UFOs displaying Jeanne Ives ads crash in Naperville (Fiction)


By Reporter X

Ten UFOs displaying ads for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives crashed in Naperville Sunday eve.   The UFOs lifted off from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at 7:30 pm, but each craft reported equipment malfunctions when they flew over Lisle at 7:45.

A transcript from one of the pilots read: “Our hologram is spinning!  The ground is above me!  There are too many trees!”

Other pilots claimed they were victims of the so-called Lisle Square, a mysterious region in Lisle where some UFO’s experience anomalies.  The last crash associated with the Lisle Square occurred in 2008 when K09 UFO crashed into Four Lakes Ski Hill.

When Clow traffic control ordered the craft to fly south, the UFOs flew westward instead.  The leader explained that flying west would have saved the crew of Flight 19.  Flight 19 was a Navy Air Squadron that flew into the Bermuda Triangle wormhole back in 1945.

Instead of regaining control by flying west, the UFOs lost power once they left Lisle airspace and crashed in the downtown Naperville area.

John X. Carter witnessed one of the UFOs crash into downtown Naperville:  “I saw this burning disc with a Jeanne Ives ad in a power dive.  I turned to run away because I thought it was going to hit an apartment building. A few seconds later, I stopped when I heard a fire alarm go off.  The apartment was fine and I didn’t see any sign of the UFO.  The fire department blocked off the area behind the apartment and got really mad when I tried to take a look.  Maybe it phased cloaked through the apartment and crash-landed in the Library parking lot?”

Clow officials denied the existence of the Lisle Square and insisted there was a rational explanation for the accident.

“These display ad crafts have the same design flaw as the K09,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “They’ll travel thousands of light-years without any issue, only to fall apart when they reach Earth.  There is no Lisle Square and don’t make us drag Brian Dunning out of obscurity to debunk it!”

Armstrong confirmed that the fleet was paid for by the Ives campaign to display her ads above the Sixth Congressional District.

“If she wants a refund, she’ll have to talk to the crew.  Clow assumes no responsibility for defective UFOs that just happen to be in our airspace.”

An anonymous staffer for the Ives campaign denied that Ives is spending money on UFO advertising:

“Jeanne’s signs are being defaced with vulgar words like (expletive deleted).  (Congressman Sean Casten) won’t denounce his (transphobic remark deleted) (racist remark deleted) (sexist remark deleted) gang!”

A woman who sounded like Ives said, “Remember what’s on the banner outside?”

“I’m sorry, but ‘Mobs or Jobs’ is lame.  Why can’t we just say (racist remark deleted) or militias?”

“I’ve played dog-whistle politics longer than you’ve been alive, so don’t you dare lecture me on what slogans I should use.  Now tell that reporter that Sean is the real divider and Pat Brady is an evil R.I.N.O!”

A spokesperson for the Casten campaign reached by Zoom laughed and talked about Casten’s work on climate change.

In the background, a woman who resembles covert social media operative Charlene Spencer spoke while wearing a modified full-face snorkel mask:  “You’re going to love these scripts, and I won’t charge you for the production.”

A woman wearing a hazmat suit replied:  “Thanks, but we already produced our first TV ad.  Here’s the first one.”

“You’re going with the nerd angle?  Seriously?  Have you guys seen how dark and depressing the world is today?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you running a funny ad?”

“Because where there’s humor, there’s hope.  A vote for Sean is a vote for hope.”

“Oh, please!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was speaking with the co-village administrators and could not be disturbed:

“Have a great day, and don’t blame Mayor Mary for two more weeks of COVID mitigation rules.”

In the background, a man shouted, “Zombies!  2020 has unleashed zombies on Bolingbrook!”

A man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar yelled:  “Just because they named a street after me doesn’t mean I’m dead!”

Also in the Babbler:

Joshie Berger closes Clow’s Worst to First restaurant
Bolingbrook man’s blood turns to vodka after taking Russian COVID vaccine
Editorial:  Nineteen years later, the terrorists lost, but so did we
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/20