Clow UFO Base MMA Match between Mayor Claar and former V.P. Joe Biden ends in draw (Fiction)


By Reporter X

An impromptu mixed martial arts match between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Vice-President Joe Biden ended in a draw.

“I know I saw it,” said Zoydois, who asked that her planet not be identified.  “I just cannot grok what I saw.”

According to eyewitnesses, Biden was at Clow UFO Base for a fundraiser hosted on his behalf by some members of the so-called One Percent.  Claar accosted Biden and demanded to know how he gained access to Clow.  Biden replied that he was invited and simply walked in.

“You’re a member of the New World Order,” snapped Claar.  “Members of the New World Order need authorization from Illinois Master Councilor and myself.”

“I’m also a member of the Illuminati.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  I joined the New World Order when they broke off from the Illuminati, but I also kept paying my membership dues to the Illuminati.  So, I have just as much right to be here as you do.”

“How’s that possible?”

“I like working with both secret societies, just like I working with Republicans as well as Democrats.  That’s why I’m leading in the polls!  —Which is why we’re going to be working together once Trump is removed from office.”

“Like hell we are!”

The two argued for several minutes.  Claar was insisting that dual membership was impossible, and Biden was insisting that “Pop Tart” gave him permission.  

Finally, Claar had enough: “Let me spell it out for you.  We.  Do.  Not.  Like.  You!  We want to destroy you and your Democrat party—”

“Democratic—”

“I am Bolingbrook!  In Bolingbrook, its Democrat Party and (Hunter Biden) is corrupt.”

He is not corrupt and if you weren’t so beholden to your (expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“Nobody calls The Donald—”

“(expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“That does it, old man!  We’re stepping into the ring!”

“You’re the one sounding like an old man!  Young people fight in the octagonal—”

“Octagon!” 

“Call it what you want, Roger.  I’ll kick your ass in it!”

Despite frantic pleading from their advisors, both men geared up and entered an Octagon in one of Clow’s gymnasiums.  

“Bipartisan means doing everything Republicans want,” said Claar.  “So, if you want to be bipartisan, you’ll let me smash your face!”

“Bipartisanship means keeping radical Democrats in check.  You’ll understand once I beat the Trump out of you!”

When the bell rang, both men charged at each other.  Each was throwing wild punches and unbalanced kicks at the other.  After several seconds, both men ended up grappling on the ground.

“What kind of name is Hunter?” asked Claar.

“What kind of person names their child after a stoner rocker?”

“Her name isn’t Lindley!”

“I said her real name!”

“No, you didn’t!  Are you losing your mind?”

“When I get my hands free, I’ll sunset you!”

The referee separated the two men and told them to stand up.  Both were too exhausted to stand up.  The referee called the match a draw and allowed medical teams to treat them.

“They didn’t do any permeant harm to each other,” said Dr. Susan Alberts.  “They just needed fluids and skin sealer to get back to normal.”

Surrogates for both sides tried to spin the results of the fight:

“God spared Roger from serious harm,” said Trustee Sheldon Watts.  “That means if you want to be good with Jesus, you need to be good with Roger.”

Julia Z. Pinsker offered her talking point:  “The Democrats need a Presidential Nominee that will not only appeal to African Americans, and conservative whites, they need a nominee who is willing to fight.  Joe Biden today proved that he is willing to fight anyone, including Trump mayors and clueless retired farmers!”

Also in the Babbler:

Edgar County Watchdogs request FOIA transcripts from DuPage Township Trustee’s bathroom chats
Atheist Alliance International leader denies inappropriately touching an angel
Bolingbrook’s Alien Raiders win Solar System Football Championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Comments

  1. ColeYote says

    And since this website doesn’t have an edit feature, I just wanted to add there’s precedent for that, see UFC’s Ultimate Fighter 5 finale where Gray Maynard vs. Robert Emerson ended with Maynard simultaneously knocking himself out and breaking one of Emerson’s ribs.

  2. says

    Thanks for the reply. I knew it wasn’t really a draw. My thinking was this was a very informal match and the ref was more interested in stopping the match than using the right term. I should have made that clear.

    I didn’t realize it was considered a no contest. Thanks for pointing that out. I know I’ve seen at least one video of a double knockout. It might have been the match you described. It’s my understanding that those events are rare in professional MMA.