Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)


Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17