Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook starts Bitcoin mining operation (Fiction)

Faced with Illinois’s financial uncertainties, sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is using the village’s computers to mine for Bitcoins.

BitcoinA source with ties to Bolingbrook’s IT Commission explained the decision: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I mean bold measures.  Yes, bold measures!  Roger is making bold decisions!  That’s why he’s mayor.”

Bitcoin, a currency found on the Internet, was introduced in 2009.  It is popular among libertarians, hackers, and people who don’t trust governments.  Special computer programs mine for newly created Bitcoins.

Another source explained Claar’s interest in Bitcoins:  “Right now, One Bitcoin is worth $2541.80.  Imagine what we could do with a bunch of them!”

A village employee, who asked to be called Jane, said Roger personally installed a Bitcoin mining program on her PC.  “He said it would make money for the village.  I started to ask a question, but then he added that if I stopped asking questions, he would also install a screensaver with pictures of his granddaughter.  How could I resist?”

Another employee, who asked to be called Beth, said she told Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz about the mining operation:  “I showed him my screen, and said I was making money for the village.  I tried to rub it in and say that Roger is a genius.  He just looked at the screen and said it was interesting.  Then he walked over to Roger’s office and slowly knocked on the door.  I got out of there because I had a bad feeling.”

The following is a transcript of Jaskiewicz’s conversation with Claar compiled from eyewitness accounts:

Jaskiewicz:  Are you really Bitcoin mining?

Claar:  Yes.  We have to think outside of the box if we’re going to survive.  The state is on the verge of junk bond status, and we could lose control of our property taxes.  Bitten coin mining could save our revenue stream.  Have you seen the current exchange rate?  Personally, it’s about time I got something good from the Internet!

Jaskiewicz: Roger, you’re going to spend more on electricity than you’ll earn in Bitcoins.  That’s assuming you find a reputable exchange site.  You’d be better off farming World of Warcraft Gold or Eve Online ISK.  Still, either of those ideas won’t make up for the loss in state revenue.

Claar:  What do you suggest?

Jaskiewicz:  For starters, the Bolingbrook Golf Club—

Claar:  You keep my golf club out of this!

When called for comment, a receptionist for said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like intern Charlene said, “Good news, Roger!  I just sent a message to all the Democratic leaders in Cook County telling them they’re not invited to The All-American Celebration on July 4.”

“I hope you didn’t send a message to Representative Dan Lipinski.  He helped me out in the last election.  Daily Kos says he might have been the key to my victory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Oh don’t worry.  I have Dan on speed dial.  We’ll get this straightened out.”

Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”

Aliens apologize for participating in anti-Sharia law protest (Fiction)

At a press conference at Clow UFO Base, three aliens apologized for protesting Sharia law in Chicago. They apologized because they felt it really promoted hatred of Muslims.

“We heard bad things about Sharia law,” said Glopgax from Wolf 1061c.  “So I put on a human suit and joined the protest.  The counter-protesters started calling us racist; I realized that maybe there was something else going on.”

Bogoxt, from Kepler 442b, said she just wanted to have fun:  “I just went for the cosplay.  I wondered what I could do with the red, white, blue and orange theme.  They liked my costume and offered to let me hold the flag of Kekistan.  I was curious, so I looked it up online.  I discovered that it was a so-called “ironic” meme used to cover up its believers’ racism and sexism.  I handed the flag back and ran away.  I’m so sorry!  Can you forgive me?”

Leedez, from Wolf 1061c, said ze didn’t learn know about the organizers until ze participated in the protest: “I wanted to find out about the group organizing the national rallies, ACT for America.  When I found out that their leader, Brigitte Gabriel, said that Muslims couldn’t be loyal US citizens, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the rally for me.”

Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who organized the press conference, said he had arranged a meeting so the aliens could meet scholars and local Islamic leaders to discuss Sharia law.  They could also use the meeting to apologize to the Muslim Association of Bolingbrook if they wanted to.

Jaskiewicz added that Bolingbrook’s residents and visiting aliens had nothing to fear from Sharia law:

“In the United States, the US Constitution is the supreme law of the land.  There is no ordinance or court ruling that can change that.  Secular law governs everyone within the United States.  That includes Bolingbrook.”

After the press conference, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar approached Jaskiewicz.

Claar: “You know the goal of the Illuminati is to create global chaos, and we could use alien allies to achieve that goal.”

Jaskiewitz: “The goal of the New World Order is to build a just global harmony, and harmony is an idea worth spreading to other worlds.”

Claar: “Speaking of other worlds, Brodowski.”

Jaskiewitz: “Jaskiewicz.”

Claar: “Close enough.  This summer, the board is taking a trip to the planet Gaxton.  We’re going to meet with trade representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy, and we’re going to stay at a luxury resort.  This is all paid for by my interstellar campaign fund, by the way.  We’ve also got skybox seats for a Melodysheep concert.  That’s not the best part.  The best part of the trip is that each night we’ll be able to watch the Milky Way galaxy rise from the horizon, like a second dawn.  It’s an amazing sight that has changed the lives of all whom have witnessed it.  Guess who’s staying on Earth?”

Also in the Babbler:

Werewolves allowed to march in Bolingbrook Pet Parades as humans only
Claar rules that aliens can only sell BBQ sauce at MarketPlace
Bolingbrook man: ‘I was wrongly fired for ironically called my boss stupid’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/16/17

Some Cavalcade of Planes visitors got a surprise UFO ride (Fiction)

By Reporter X

About 40 visitors to the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport got a surprise ride aboard a UFO.

“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name.  “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”

According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride.  He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement:  “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler.  Your village is awesome!”

The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.

Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing.  We got so close that we could look inside the windows.  The offices were closed, so it was OK!  We weren’t spying.”

The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.

“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark.  It looks so different from this angle.  I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”

The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface.  The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.

Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free.  It was such a generous gift!  I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”

The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger.  As they left, the guests met the crew.

“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth.  “But they were smart and generous.  So I can’t complain.”

The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.

“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim.   “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings.  Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”

Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:

“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this.  Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”

When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:

“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you?  Why yes, I do have a campaign fund.  What?  You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC?  Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so—  You’re fine with that?  What if I need to buy gas for my car?  Use my salary?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17

Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.

Bolingbrook Time War remembered in village ceremony (Fiction)

Bolingbrook officials held a Memorial Day ceremony to remember the participants in the Bolingbrook Time War. The war started on April 6, 1984, when invaders from the year 3000 AD launched a surprise attack against Bolingbrook.

“For two days, outsiders tried to destroy our village,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Maybe they were future inhabitants of Cook County: we may never know.  But we do know, that when Bolingbrook united around a single leader and did exactly what that leader said without question, Bolingbrook prevailed against a technologically superior foe!”

The Bolingbrook Time War lasted for two days.  The time-traveling army was not aware of the existence of Clow UFO base, and its advanced defenses.  This advantage allowed the Village to put up some resistance against the invaders.  Over the course of the war, it is believed that 90% of Bolingbrook’s residents were killed, along with 50% of Naperville’s residents, and 40% of Romeoville’s residents.

The war ended when a squad of Men in Blue snuck into the invaders’ base camp.  They used their time machine to travel forward in time to just before the prototype of the invaders’ time machine was activated.  The squad set off an atomic bomb, destroying their time machine, and the knowledge of how to travel backward in time.  Bolingbrook then reverted to its pre-war state.

Though technically no one died, each Memorial Day, village officials hold a secret ceremony in which they lay a wreath in honor of the victims “that once were” and remember a war that most residents have forgotten.

During this year’s ceremony, Claar, without attribution, stated that the invaders wanted to prevent the rise of a “future great leader” who would come from Bolingbrook:

“I don’t know who that great leader will be, but this war shows the importance respecting all great leaders in Bolingbrook.”

Traditionally, the other trustees deliver speeches.  Claar said that the members of the Bolingbrook First party would remain silent in memory of recently defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts.  All Bolingbrook First party members wore black during the ceremony.

Claar then looked at Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and said, “Jaruzelski!”

Jaskiewicz came to the podium. He said that the lesson to be learned from the Bolingbrook Time War is not to follow leaders blindly:

“From what former Mayor Ed Rosenthal has told me, I see the lesson of the Bolingbrook time war like this:  Even though the air was filled with death rays and drones, there were still different viewpoints on what to do.  Ed took the time to listen to those voices, including the voice of a trustee who wouldn’t stop talking about the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom.   Once Ed listened to those voices, he made the best choice and saved Bolingbrook.  Today, there are many voices in Bolingbrook, and we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to them.”

After the ceremony, the trustees walked towards the subway train going to Village Hall.  Claar stopped Jaskiewicz.

“Stankiewicz.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  We’re going to watch the Memorial Day Carnival from the observation deck.  We’re going to have catered food, quality beverages, a virtual rollercoaster, and decent live bands.  Guess who isn’t invited?”

Also in the Babbler:

President Trump asks Claar for advice on ghosts
Sam Harris reveals plans to take over the world
The Babbler remembers those who died so we can have the freedom to write about Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week 

Video: Swearing in a new era in Bolingbrook (Out of Character)

After decades, the Bolingbrook Village Board now has a trustee who is not a member of Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of Bolingbrook United, was sworn last night, along with Claar and two other Bolingbrook First trustees.  A new era of bipartisan government has begun in Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook First’s members didn’t seem to be pleased. As you can see from the video.

Bolingbrook First holds five out of six trustee seats, as well as mayor.  To me, this doesn’t mean a change in policies.  There will probably be some no votes, which used to be rare, and some debates during board meetings, which used to be unheard of.

Still, this is historic in the political history of Bolingbrook.

Sorry for the shaking video.  I would have bought a phone mount if I had realized the speeches would last as long as they did.

Web Exclusive: Did Trump compromise the Bolingbrook Golf Club? (Fiction)

Sources with friends who may work at the White House say President Donald Trump may have revealed the Bolingbrook Golf Club’ “self-destruct code” to the Russians.

File photo of Donald Trump at Clow International Airport.

During a meeting with a Russian delegation, Trump bragged about his memory.  The sources say he remembered meeting with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar at the Golf Club.  Trump said he saw Claar enter a code on a keypad built into his desk.  A hidden safe opened up.  Inside were bottles of Trump Vodka, and bottles of Trump Ice.  Smiling at his guests, Trump then recited what he thought was the code.

According to sources, Trump misremembered the code, and accidentally gave the Russian the “self-destruct code” for the Golf Club.  Some of the sources saw a member of the Tass News Agency write down the code.

“Roger almost lost an election because he supported Trump,” said one of the sources.  “This is how Trump thanked him?”

Lenny, a village employee who asked that we not use his last name, confirmed the existence of the self-destruct device. According to Lenny, it was originally intended to prevent the club from falling into hands of a “hostile governmental unit or opposition party.”  The device, when activated, will release a noxious, but harmless, chemical into the clubhouse, rendering it unfit for occupation.  It will also disperse radioactive pellets across the golf course, turning it into a radiation hazard.

“I told Roger it was a bad idea,” said Lenny.  “The device could malfunction, or be used by his enemies.  But he insisted on having it because he was afraid the Cook County Democrats would try to steal the club from him.  I couldn’t persuade him that he was wrong, and now here we are.”

Another source within Village Hall, who asked to be called Chris, claims she received a written note intended from Claar while manning the front desk:  “He had a real thick accent and said Roger would ‘understand the message’.”

After delivering the message to Claar, Claar told Chris to call Vladimir Putin for him.  When she said she didn’t have his number, he replied:  “Google it!  That’s why we spend so much money on an Internet connection.  You didn’t think it was so you could read the Babbler while pretending to work?”

According to Lenny, everything worked out.  Putin promised not to destroy the Golf Club.  Golf Cub staff disarmed the device and expected to have it removed before Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz is sworn in.

“If he ever finds out about this, we’ll never hear him stop complaining.”

Public relations intern Charline Z. Spencer did not completely deny the existence of the device:  “There is no nuclear bomb inside the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and there are no napalm canisters under each golf hole.  The story, as you described it, is not accurate.  These statements are fun to say!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course I’m with you until the bloody end.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  Still, you might want to meet some civics teachers I—Don’t you ever talk to me like that!  You may be the President of the United States, but I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

“Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”