Residents, aliens and were-dogs enjoy Bolingbrook’s Pride and Puppies event (Mixed)

An alien meets with one of the Bolingbrook Pride volunteers.

Last Sunday, Bolingbrook Pride held their second annual Pride and Puppies Picnic.  This time it was at Village Hall. Organizers estimate that over one thousand people attended. 

The following is a team report from the picnic:

Were-dogs help residents celebrate pride

A pack of were-dogs offered free pets to Pride and Puppies attendees.

“Bolingbrook is our family,” said Becky, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We love our family and we love it when they bring people to love. We let them pet us, and they feel our love.  This pride event is about love.”

One of the attendees who petted Becky told her a story about her own dog: “I grew up with a dog named Pepper.  Whenever I cried, Pepper would be there for me.  I loved her.  But then my parents threw me out of the house when they found out I was queer.  I never saw her again.  Now I own a home with my partner, but whenever I’m in the backyard, I think of Pepper, and how much she would have loved it.”

The attendee’s eyes watered. Becky licked the tears.  The attendee smiled and embraced Becky.

“This is why we’re here,” Becky said, speaking in the dog language.

Elsewhere, a man openly asked why Bolingbrook wasn’t hosting a Straight Pride event.  Bo, a were-dog Welsh Terrier, jumped up and down in front of the man:  “I’ll tell you why!  Because gay relationships are outlawed in 70 countries.  In this country, lawmakers want to use ‘Religious liberty’ to allow discrimination against LBGTQA+ individuals. There was even a hate crime against a Barrington teen a few days ago.  Straight is the default sexuality. Every day is your pride day.  Either let my friends enjoy their day, or leave this space.”

“I think this dog is trying to talk me,” said the man.  “I can’t understand you.  You’re just barking.”

Bo moved away and barked: “Hate does not make you great!”

Representative Bill Foster: ‘The New World Order believes in Universal Gay rights!’
By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster manned the Wheaton Township Democrats’ table at Bolingbrook Pride.

US Representative Bill Foster promised alien attendees at the Pride Picnic that he would continue to work to enact the Interstellar Commonwealth’s “Declaration of Gender and Orientation Rights.”

“I agree with the declaration,” said Foster.  “I co-sponsored the Equality Act, but that’s just the beginning.  I won’t stop until every gay human on Earth has all the rights outlined in the Commonwealth’s declaration.  No one should be shamed for being LBGQTA—Did I get all the letters?”

Foster then denounced the Illuminati: “Ever since they declared war on the New World Order, the level of hate has increased around the world.  Donald Trump is their blunt instrument to destroy civilization and create chaos in the world.  They say they want freedom, but that’s a lie.  They want to destroy all opposition and then impose their own dictatorship on the world.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen.  I proudly support science, reason, and the New World Order.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Most aliens said they enjoyed talking to Foster.

“Humans like him give me hope for the future of this planet,” said Zoplopgost, who asked that we not identify its homeworld.

An unidentified alien tried to dump shaved ice on Foster but was restrained by a Man in Black.

“Why did you try to attack me?” asked Foster.

“Isn’t dumping food product on a human leader considered a proper greeting?”

“No!  That’s what you do if you hate a politician, and I don’t endorse that kind of wasting of food.”

“Oops.”

————

Mayor Claar takes select Pride attendees on ‘wild’ UFO ride

By Reporter X

Ten attendees to the Bolingbrook Pride event say they went on a “wild” UFO ride with Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger really is the most important Mayor in the galaxy!” said an anonymous attendee.

All of the attendees were selected at random and raised into a UFO.  Claar then reassured them they would only be gone for about 15 minutes, and he was going to take them on a short interplanetary tour.  

As the attendees sat down, Claar told them that before the first Pride and Puppies event, he was skeptical.

“I thought it was a plot by the Cook County Democrats to corrupt the fine residents of Bolingbrook.  Then my daughter assured me that gay people are Okay.  They just want the freedom to be who they are, and love who they want.  Or not love.  I’m still learning about that ‘A’ part.”

The UFO then flew to the far side of the moon and viewed the UFO Mother Ships hovering over the moon.  A tour guide, who said he was a former US Space Marine, and former 

Bolingbrook Pride organizer described the various species that visit Clow UFO Base.

“Do you know that most alien species have more than one sex and more than one gender identity?” Asked Blake, who asked that we not use his last name.  “It’s like our minds are so small that we can only think of two genders, but the universe is more creative.  Who knew?”

The craft then traveled to Mars.  Claar told them that they couldn’t land because the Martian Colonial Government has quarantined humans.

“They think we’re infected with memes,” said Claar.  “Whatever that means.”

The Bolingbrook Pride Committee from Left to right: Jessica Blackburn, Barbara Parker, Allaina Humphreys, Bob Jaskiewicz, Jessica Parks

On the way back to Bolingbrook, a fleet of alien fascists contacted Claar, and said they wanted to help him “purify Bolingbrook.”  Claar told them to turn over control of their ships to Clow Traffic Control.  Claar then continued to talk about how no one in Bolingbrook understood alien cultures better than he did.

Several minutes later, the alien fascists contacted Claar. They said their ships were flying towards the sun, and they couldn’t regain control.  Claar asked why that was a problem.

“I don’t care what Bolingbrook looks like.  Just as long as I am in charge!”

“But what about our freedom of speech?” asked one of the aliens.

“I draw the line at oppositions parties in Bolingbrook,” replied Claar.  “And your fascist party is way, way, way over the line!”

“But you endorsed Tr—”

Claar turned off the audio and said: “I don’t see Bob sending fascists into the sun.  Do you?”

When reached for comment, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “I suppose I could say something about Roger and Uranus, but I’m kind of busy volunteering at the picnic right now.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was away and did not want to take any calls. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Deputy Mayor Michael T. Lawler said: “Thanks, Mike.  Now, I just need one more trustee to join me.  Fortunately, I brought some straws—”

“I volunteer!” said a woman who sounded like Trustee Mary Basta. “As a tribute to—”

“Thank you Jesus!” said a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts.

“So what do we do?” asked Basta.

“Roger already made a major donation,” said Lawler.  “And we’re letting them hold the event outside of village hall.  So you and I are just going to stand near the edge of the crowd, and talk to the concerned residents.”

Carpanzano added: “I’m going to have pictures of me taken with the volunteers.  Because I care!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Aliens allowed to join the Chicago Pride March
Congressman Sean Casten meets with gay reptoids
Fox News to start pro-Roger Bolingbrook channel
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook to establish ‘milkshake-free’ zones (Fiction)

Will milkshakes be banned in certain parts of Bolingbrook? Sources within Village Hall say Mayor Roger Claar will establish “Milkshake-free” zones in Bolingbrook in response to several incidents of protesters tossing milkshakes at politicians.

“We’re trying to get a handle on this now,” said a source, who asked to be identified as Zed.  “I know a certain village trustee thinks we should wait until it becomes an issue in Bolingbrook.  We can’t wait, because the only warning we might have is when Roger is covered in chocolate shake.  Can you imagine how it would look if Roger is about to address potential businesses, and he gets hits with a milkshake?”

Jennifer, who asked that we not use her last name, said the move was necessary because of “unprecedented divisiveness” in Bolingbrook:

“Foes are allowed to vote against Roger’s candidates.  They’re even saying negative things about Roger in board meetings.  Not only that, but foes are allowed to serve on the Village Board, Park District Board, Library Board, and the School Board.  We used to be one Bolingbrook under Roger!”

According to the sources, milkshake-free zones will be established: 

  1. Outside of Claar’s home. 
  2. Around each village trustee’s home, (except for Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party).  
  3. Milkshakes will also be banned at Village Hall, The Bolingbrook Golf Club, 201 Canterbury LN, and Clow Airport.  
  4. Temporary zones will be established during special events, like the Village Picnic.

Some residents are not pleased with the proposed ban:

“We went through all this trouble to get a second Andy’s Custard,” said Blake Z. Milford.  “Now if I get a milkshake to go, I have to worry about accidentally driving into one of these zones.  I don’t know about you, but I think my freedom to consume a milkshake anywhere is more important than Roger’s dry cleaning bill.”

A member of Bolingbrook United, who asked to remain anonymous, said the party denounced the zones:  “We don’t encourage anyone to toss milkshakes at Roger, but we want the residents to protest the Claar dictatorship.  We suggest that every time Roger tries to bully someone into silence, residents should hold a can, in honor of our Plainfield Library Board member Jason Cann! His commitment to free speech is what all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind.”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Milkshake bans?  That’s a stupid idea.  Hell, everyone who opposes me is stupid!  Now listen and learn.  I am not a dictator because I haven’t killed anyone.  Yet.  Instead, I will work with anyone who isn’t a stupid foe.  I—”

“Excuse me,” said a man.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m with the Will County Watchdogs.”

“You mean the Edgar County Watchdogs.”

“Not exactly.  They got tired of driving over two hundred miles each way to attend Bolingbrook meetings, so they gave me the franchise rights to Will County.”

“Oh sh—!  Well, I’m always willing to support a worthy organization.  How do I make a—”

“Unlike my bosses, I know how things work in Bolingbrook, and we’re not going to play that game.  Instead, I’m going to ask you some questions. You can either cooperate, or I can file a FOIA request—”

“Or you can go (Expletive Deleted) yourself!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Interceptor from Clow UFO Base shot down over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space:  “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility.   The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space.  We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”

According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year.  Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.

“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base.  With this incident, he has escalated  from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors.  This is not acceptable.  It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”

The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire.  Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order.  The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.  

The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base.  Both were reportedly in good health.  However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.

Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area.  We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits.  This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home.  We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety.  This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”

Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.

Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.

Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook:  “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”

Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment.  This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer.  While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage.  He walked towards two toters.”

“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron.  He scans the driveway.  He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter.  He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught!  He closes the lid.  Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals.  What’s this?  Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in.  The pocket seems to be collapsing.  He’s about to be—No!  He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway.  You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind.  No busted coverage in this community!  He’s about to reach the end zone.  Wait!  His wife just handed him a bag of garbage.  But there’s no room in the toter.  What will he do?  He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground.  Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter.  Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy!  What’s that?  Wow!  Your campaign fund is bigger than mine.  Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL.  Hello?”

Also in the Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year

Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years

Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Mayor Claar resumes command of Clow UFO Base despite protests (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

The Interstellar Commonwealth officially returned control of Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  This ended a nine-month saga in which the village lost Clow UFO Base to alien protesters.

“Clow is a great UFO Base,” said acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox before stepping down.  “It deserves a great leader.”  Glomox then left the room.

Claar thanked the Commonwealth for their help in ending the occupation, and for acting as interim administrators until the results of the April Consolidated Election were certified.

“You guys did a great job,” said Claar, after taking the oath of office during a covert meeting of the Village Board held at the base. “This reminds me.  There are people in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group who think the Commonwealth owes the Village money.  What those stupid liars aren’t telling the residents is that the Commonwealth fully paid for the restoration of Clow UFO Base, and shared a portion of Clow’s revenue with the Village.  You don’t owe the village anything.  Bolingbrook’s social media foes owe you an apology.”

Claar then announced that he was going to make some rule changes at Clow.  He started by lifting the display advertising ban on UFOs and allowing advertising during alien abductions.

“The ban never should have been enacted,” said Claar.  “You are guests here at Clow UFO Base, and if your hosts want to give you money to display a political ad, Clow shouldn’t step in the way.  By the way, this is in no way connected to my interstellar campaign fund.”

Claar then recessed the meeting to watch special performances in honor of his reappointment.  Clow’s theatrical group performed a musical number from the rock opera “Roger!” in front of an audience of the mayor, the Village Board, Clow employees, and interstellar dignitaries.  

However, during a juggling act, a Clow employee rushed the podium and dumped a bag of garbage on Claar.  As Men in Blue apprehended the protester, a woman ran on the stage and read a statement denouncing the village’s new garbage fees.

“Not only do we pay non-deductible fees for garbage,” read the woman.  “We can’t even use garbage toters.”

Village Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano then yelled from the audience: “Stop being so negative.  We reduced an expense that counted against our property taxes and our general fund while maintaining positive revenue for garbage collection.”

“But many residents now pay more taxes,” countered the woman. “And we have to pay this fee on top of our taxes.”

“We said we’d keep taxes low.  We didn’t say anything about fees.”

After the woman was arrested, aliens, dressed as cheerleaders, rushed on stage.  They cheered, “Bill Mayer for mayor!”

“That man will never be allowed inside Clow again!” yelled Claar, as he finished brushing garbage off of his body.

After the cheerleaders were removed from the room, an unidentified alien yelled that Claar suffers from Fox News Delusion and is infected with memes.  It was escorted out of the room as well.

Claar then asked Trustee-elect Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta to say something.

She walked on stage, looked at her cell phone, and said: “Whenever the residents are upset, find a way to blame (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

“That’s the private memo!” snapped Claar.

“Oops,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “I’m still learning.  Let me see.  Oh, this one.”  She cleared her throat.  “I’m just happy to be here, and I want to help Roger defend Clow from the New World Order and from Bob’s protesters.  You will not annoy us.”

“That’s better.”

“Excuse me,” said Jaskiewicz.  “First of all, I had nothing to do with these protests.  Second, read our article about Roger’s poorly thought out garbage plan.  I’ve been calling for an open process for months.  This surprise letter and tax bill is not an open process.  Third, I still can’t believe Roger’s covert budget.  Roger, you’ve said that traffic to Clow UFO Base is growing, and based the budget’s projections on that growth continuing.  When you defected to the Illuminati and endorsed Donald Trump, UFO visits started declining.  The growth only started under the temporary stewardship of the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

“I have something to say,” interrupted Village Clerk Carol Penning: “God does not like people who stir the pot.  There’s a special toilet waiting for you in Hell, Bob, and you will be stirred—”

“We get the point,” interrupted Claar, as he was handed what appeared to be a glass of Coke.  “It’s time to stop the protests and start the celebrating.  I’m once again the most important Chicagoland mayor in the galaxy!”

Also in the Babbler:

Carnivorous grass spotted in Bolingbrook
Resident adopts garbage toter and dares village to take it away
Skepchicks get office space in the Bolingbrook United’s interstellar embassy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

AOC confronts IL06 Republican candidate Sanguinetti during an Illuminati event at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti’s speech at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to the Illuminati turned into a confrontation with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!”  She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos!  I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level.  Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”

She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.

“The Sixth District wants chaos.  I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window.  We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office.  We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”

Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.

“Hello,” she said.  “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati.  But cool people call me AOC.”

“Miss. AOC—”

“You’re not cool.”

Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati:  “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos.  We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order.  I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change.  The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”

She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone.  We value politicians who will advance our cause—  Like me.  Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”

The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.

After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.”  She then logged off.  

Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.

“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said.  “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared.  Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year?  That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”

Sanguinetti resumed her speech.  After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great!  Why are you so full of hate?”

DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.

When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook.  The lie: Who are you?  The truth: I have a CPA. Squires!  Attack!”

Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.

“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.

After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.

“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title.  “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”

“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Wereskunks honor Mayor Claar during ‘Great Scampering’ ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks honored Mayor Roger Claar during their “Great Scampering” ceremony for his “noble fight against garbage toters.” 

Wereskunk Alpha Joyce presented Claar with a skunk push doll and a certificate of appreciation.

“While other suburbs try to starve our cousins,” said Joyce, “Roger is helping our cousins by forcing residents to only use trash bags on garbage collection day.  That means our cousins can always enjoy one free buffet a week even during the coldest winters.”

Joyce also highlighted Claar’s new initiative to offer free lids for recycling bins.  “We want food scraps, but some of our cousins were confused by recycling bins.  By adding lids, they will avoid the bins, and go for the bags.  Now we do appreciate the artistic talents of some of our cousins, but this compromise makes sense.”

Claar accepted the gifts, saying his granddaughter would love the doll.  Then he addressed the audience:  “I appreciate the work all of you did during the last election.  When the sanitation department had doubts about throwing away my foes’ yard signs, you guys stepped up to the plate.  I also appreciate that you didn’t tell me or anyone in my party what you were doing.  Remember: Liberals hate skunks.  I don’t.”

The wereskunks then performed the “Great Scampering” ceremony.  The ceremony told the story of how Democrats and “Republicans in name only” tried to starve skunks by forcing residents to use trash toters.  The skunks, according to the performers, were on the verge of extinction when Claar appeared before a skunk prophet and promised plenty of food, water, and shelter for all skunks.  Thousands of skunks scampered to Bolingbrook, chased by the “Democrat Party’s” animal control officers.  When they reached Bolingbrook, a 900-foot Easter Skunk appeared and frightened away the officers.  The Easter Skunk gave each skunk an egg, then asked Claar to appear.  According to the story, Claar pointed out the thousands of garbage sacks sitting out on people’s lawns.  The skunks then made a covenant with Claar to guard his career.

“How old is this ceremony?” asked Claar.

“This is the first performance,” replied Joyce.

“The first of many, I hope.”

Golf Club staff then rolled in four dumpsters for a buffet.  A person dressed as the Easter Skunk gave each skunk two eggshell halves.  One half was filled with raw egg yoke.  The other half filled with rum.  After enjoying a meal, the Easter Skunk entered a DJ Booth and revealed himself to be DuPage Township Dennis Raga.

Raga started playing electronic dance music and addressed the wereskunks: “You guys are awesome, and I know we can count on you to support Roger’s reelection campaign in 2021.  2021 is also the Township election.  The New World Order is going to try to retake the Township, but we (Trustee Alyssia Benford and I) are going to run as the ‘Clean Slate’!’  If you support us, we’ll set up a food bank for your cousins.”

All the wereskunks then shifted into their warskunk form and started dancing.

Also in the Babbler:

Hundreds of aliens protest Mayor Claar by singing ‘Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!’
Zombie goat spotted in Buffalo Grove
Plainfield man shoots and misses Easter Bunny
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/25/19

 Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the Archives 2009: Village of Bolingbrook rejects Google Government (Fiction)

From the webmaster: while our staff gets ready to enjoy Passover/Easter weekend, I thought I would share this article from November of 2009.  The village may have won an award for transparency in 2015, but we missed the opportunity to redefine open government.

The village of Bolingbrook has decided not to participate in Google’s top secret test of Google Government.

A screenshot of Bolingbrook’s version of Google Government. It was tested in 2009 but never purchased.

“We are happy with Munis.” Said an anonymous source who wants to be a spokesperson for the village. “While this alpha test is free, we feel that we get more value when we actually pay for something.”

Although Google denies its existence, an Internet site claims that Google is working on applications that could change how democratic governments are run and could eliminate the need for politicians.

Sources who attended Google’s presentation with Mayor Roger Claar deny that it would eliminate politicians, but said it would be the ultimate in government transparency.

Google representative Peter Z. Alberts started the presentation by saying that Google Government takes full advantage of cloud computing.

“Wouldn’t it be expensive to keep village hall under constant cloud cover?” Asked Claar.

Alberts explained that cloud computing really means that the programs and files would be on offsite servers instead of on individual computers. This would save the village money because instead of buying a license for each computer, the village can buy cheap netbooks and employees could do all of their work using web browsers.

“How do we know the data will be safe?”

“We’re Google!” Replied Alberts. “Our corporate philosophy prohibits us from doing evil.”

“How secure will it be?”

“We’re Google!”

Claar explained that he was still “an AOL man” and didn’t understand all “this cloud stuff.” He asked why all the information needed to be online.

Alberts replied that Google Government is committed to open government. By putting all documents online, the public can easily access any document. This would save the village thousands in FOIA fees because any document would be available at the click of a button.

Claar’s eyes widened. “What about Bonnie and her fishing expeditions?”

“With Google Government, all documents are available. If she claims she can’t find a document, the residents will think she’s either computer illiterate or has mental software issues.”

Alberts added that putting government information online makes it easier for residents to help out the village. “Crowdsourcing” could save tax dollars that otherwise would have gone to outside consultants.

“What are some examples of crowdsourcing?”

“Wikipedia!” Proudly exclaimed Alberts.

The sources say Claar glared at Alberts.

“OK, bad example.” Replied Alberts. “SETI@home.”

“How many aliens have they found?”

“Good point. How about Galaxy Zoo? They can classify galaxies faster than computers.”

“If you say so.” Replied Claar.

Alberts continued by saying that Google Government was more than a word processing and data storage application. He said it could replace the trustees. Google would provide free wifi to every village resident. By monitoring the residents’ internet traffic, as well as scanning their Google documents for certain keywords, Google Government can create six virtual trustees that can accurately reflect the residents’ moods and opinions.

When Claar asked what his role would be in this new government, Alberts explained that Claar would be the “Mayor Sysop.” He would vote in case of a tie, report any glitches to Google, and veto any AI ordinances “with obvious bugs.”

Alberts defended virtual trustees because the village wouldn’t have to pay them, elections would be unnecessary because they’re constantly sampling public opinion, and they couldn’t be swayed by “outside influences.”

When Claar asked how his campaign fund fits in this new structure, Alberts smiled.

“Of course you would still have to run for reelection, but I think of your campaign fund as bloatware,” Albert replied as Claar started to turn red. “A campaign fund should only be used for getting reelected. You seem to use your fund for other things, like cars, overseas trips, and scholarships. I think you should divide your campaign funds into separate funds. One for travel, one for reelection, one for scholarships, and one for your personal discretion. We can use Blogger to set up a blog for each fund, set you up with Google Checkout, and then you can watch each of those funds grow. Because the residents of Bolingbrook can choose how to donate to you, I’ll bet that you will raise even more money for your charities because people who don’t support your reelection will be more likely to donate to the other funds.”

Sources say that Claar stood up and told Alberts that he was rejecting Google Government.

“I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with my personal fund!” Yelled Claar. “My campaign fund gives me the flexibility to deal with high-end executives! Because as much as I love Nancy’s Pizza, not all of them like pizza. They want expensive meals that you can only get in Chicago. Thanks to Illinois’ campaign laws, they can’t offer to pay for any of my meals or rounds of golf. If I had to pay for things with my six-figure salary, I would have to file for bankruptcy! How would that make Bolingbrook look?”

Alberts, according to the sources, apologized for offending Claar, then said he would pitch Google Government to Lisle’s Mayor Broda instead.

“I e-mailed my initial presentation to Trustee Brondyke.” Said Alberts. “She said that if I set foot in Lisle Village Hall, she would help me demonstrate medieval stretching techniques. That should be very educational.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied speaking to any representatives from Google. “Google is great for searching the Internet, but I don’t–Hey! Get off of my patio!”

This reporter then heard the sound of breaking glass.

“Google’s maps have guided me here, and its street view has given me the vision to find you and lead you to the Church of Google!”

“Church of Google?”

“Yes  Join us as because you don’t need faith to believe that Google is the only omniscient being on Earth!”

“Really?  Does Google know what I’m thinking right now?”

“Let me Google that!”

This reporter then heard a scuffle, followed by the man screaming in pain. Two other men read the man his rights. The man replied that his First Amendment rights were being violated because he won’t be able to access the Village’s wifi network in his cell.

Second later, Claar picked up the phone and replied, “My village has too many idiots!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook to invest in earth orbiting ads (Fiction)

In 2021, could Bolingbrook residents look up at the night sky and see an ad for a village event?  Some anonymous sources say the village will invest in orbiting “community service” promotions. 

According to the sources, the village will buy advertisements from SmartRocket. They will look like star constellations, but will actually be a synchronized group of CubeSats.  The initial ads will only have text.  There is, however, talk of adding images and video to future ads.

One of the sources explained:  “Nobody reads the fake press, I mean the local press.  It harms local community groups.  So it’s the village’s responsibility to promote groups whose members create harmony instead of chaos every election year.”

The sources did not specify how much the village would budget for orbiting ads, but SmartRocket confirmed that they sell eight hours of ads for $20,000.

Another source defended the ad buy:  “Bolingbrook is an exceptional village, and our promotion needs to be exceptional.  We might incur some more debt, but it will be good debt!  That’s why the residents elected Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  He has the marketing background necessary to bring Bolingbrook to the night sky.”

Judith, who asked that we not use her last name, is looking forward to the ads: “Stars are so boring to look at, and it’s not like you can see many of them here.  It’s will be nice to look up and see something useful.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is a genius!”

Patricia, who asked that we not use her last name, wants to stop the: “It’s bad enough seeing a satellite fly by when looking up at the stars. Now I fear that I will look up at the sky and see a video of Roger!  This is one of the reasons God will eventually get around to smiting Bolingbrook.  We need less light pollution, not more light pollution tor ads!”

Claar denied any plans to buy orbiting ads:  “No!  No!  Not true!  I am not buying flying ads. And offering free recycling lids does not mean I am appeasing the talking skunks or the wereskunks, or whatever your made-up skunks are called!”

In the background, several people screamed.  A woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford then said, “They can’t be stopped.  You’ve got to admire their purity of purpose.”

“Who can’t be stopped?”

“You have my sympathies.”

“Where are you going?”

A few seconds later, more people screamed and started running.  A woman who sounded like Village Clerk Carol Penning cried, “We were wrong.  We were so wrong.”

“You know we never say the ‘W’ word in Village Hall.”

“But they’re out of our control.  They didn’t stop with the DuPage Township.  They kept going.  They—”

Penning screamed.

“Who are you running from?” asked Claar.  “It can’t—Oh my God!”

A man with a downstate accent then said, “Your clerk is double dipping the taxpayers of Bolingbrook by collecting two salaries.  She must resign.”

“She will not resign,” Claar replied.  “You will go (expletive deleted) yourself!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack angers residents
Aliens hope to attend Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar to take over Clow UFO Base on 5/1/19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/16/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Woman exiled from Bolingbrook after trying to sell fake Dead Sea road salt (Fiction)

Mayor Roger Claar exiled Janet Z. Fischer from Bolingbrook for allegedly offering fake Dead Sea road salt to the village.

“Normally we would jail people like her,” said an anonymous source with friends in Village Hall.  “But considering the sensitive nature of this incident, we thought it would be better to exile her.  Roger does have the power to do that, you know.”

According to many sources, Fischer walked into Village Hall and identified herself as Golda Zimmerman, a delegate from the Israeli government.  She met with the Director of Public Services and Development and offered to sell Dead Sea salt to the village at ten times the cost the village buys road salt from the state.

Zimmerman replied that if the village refused her offer, she would report the village as participating in the Boycott Divest Sanction movement.

“If you’re perceived as supporting BDS,” said Zimmerman, “it would hurt the village, more than it would hurt Israel.  On the other hand, if you buy our wonderful salt from the Holy Land, I can tell the world that Bolingbrook is participating in the Buy Invest Allocate Support movement.  It can only help your village’s reputation.”

The director, according to sources, summoned the Public Works Committee to hear the offer.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was skeptical:  “Not buying your overpriced road salt is not the same as boycotting.  It’s a simple market decision.”

“But it’s from the Holy Land!”

Trustee Michael Lawler then said, “You know, supporting an Israeli company could be considered good debt.”

“If something goes wrong,” added Trustee Maria Zarate, “We can always blame Bob.”

Lawler left the room.  Several minutes later Claar entered the room.  Zimmerman explained her deal, then added that she could arrange for a sizable donation to the campaign fund of Claar’s choice.

“I can’t risk taking donations from a foreign country,” Claar replied.  “I can suggest donating to a local charity that helps at risk youth.”

“Wait a minute,” cried out Jaskiewicz.  “Facebook says your real name is Janet Fischer, and you’re not from Israel or even Jewish.”

“Those silly Palestinian hackers.”

“And these local governments have posted warnings about your scam.”

After Claar yelled at Fischer, she confessed.  Claar then decided her punishment.

“I just had to deal with an attempted coup, and I don’t have the energy to deal with you in court.”

“You mean an election,” replied Jaskiewicz.

“Which your party was swept in.”

“We won seats on the Plainfield Library Board, The park district board, and the Joliet Junior College Board of Regents.  That’s not a sweep.”

“Whatever, Wójcik.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  But that’s beside the point.  Miss Fischer, you are exiled from Bolingbrook, and you if say one more word, Bob, you’ll be joining her.”

A receptionist for Claar denied that the meeting ever took place:  “Don’t you think if he really has the power to remove people from Bolingbrook, he would have exiled you guys years ago?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano said, “I’m sick of these so-called satire sites, Charlene.  They’re so anti-Bolingbrook!”

“I don’t know,” replied Charlene.  “Bolingbrook has a tradition of satirical publications going back to the Phantom Press.”

“Not in my Bolingbrook, Charlene.  I’ve been silent for too long.  I’m going to start a Facebook page to expose their unfunny lies, and I will call it True Bolingbrook Facts!”

“That name is already taken.”

“That’s never stopped me before.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Clerk: I am not a dictator because I haven’t committed atrocities!
Alien sticks probes in itself to protest Bolingbrook United’s losses
Sources: Illuminati paid off $100 million of Bolingbrook’s 2017 fiscal year debt
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

We Get Letters: The 2019 Consolidated Election edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  The candidates have spoken.  Our editorial board has spoken.  Now it’s our readers’ turn to speak out.

We’ve gotten a lot of letters like this:

To the Editor:

Bolingbrook is great!  —Because the residents care.  (Insert what you care about in Bolingbrook.)  The First Party for Bolingbrook is the only party that says they care.  (Insert name of fake Bolingbrook party) has never said that on their literature or in person.  (Insert your favorite First Party candidates’ name) inspires me to (add your own comment).

I don’t want to attack but (Insert fake candidates’ name) does not support (our great golf club, our wonderful airport, our set list of village vendors)!  They do not care.  If they cared, they would apologize for forcing (name any member of the FPFB except Mayor Roger Claar) to spend money on campaigning.  The First Party for Bolingbrook is (any word except “perfect”), and Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United cannot accept that we live in a Utopia!

The Babbler must stop spreading their lies and only tell (“the truth,” “affirming stories,” “stories edited by Patch Mayor Michael Carpanzano”) because we care!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert a Bolingbrook address here)

Got to love astroturf.  We have received some original letters supporting each party.  This one is for the First Party for Bolingbrook:

To the Editor:

I’m sick of partisanship!  Anyone not affiliated with a political party knows that our mayor is a genius.  Even this random woman from California is praising me on Facebook!  Parties divide us and slow things down.  Uniting behind the best leader is the most efficient way to run a village.  Roger Claar is the best mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

Do you know that there’s a Facebook group that doesn’t always praise Roger?  All they do is tear people down.  It is overrun with stupid partisan liars who would rather tear me down than admit they would be lost without Roger.  

The Democrats want to take over Bolingbrook.  My message to them is simple:  Just shut up and vote for my party!  Because it doesn’t matter what you look like, what you wear, or which God you worship.  Just as long you support your mayor.

Reggie Connor
Bolingbrook, IL

I think this reader is confusing mono-party government with non-partisan government.  Local political parties in Bolingbrook date back to the 1970s. We’ve had a long period of single-party rule, which ended in 2017 with the election of Robert Jaskiewicz. Naperville doesn’t have local political parties, and split votes during meetings are common.  The last time I checked, Naperville hasn’t descended into chaos.

Here’s a letter from a Bolingbrook United supporter:

To the Editor:

I moved to the suburbs to get away from the Chicago political machine.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that I moved into a community with an even worse political machine, run by Roger.  

Last week, Roger said Bolingbrook residents like me “want to create a political machine.” Please.  Chicago politicians take notes every time he releases his campaign’s financial statements because they are in awe of what he gets away with.

I’m voting for Bolingbrook United because someone needs to keep Roger in check, and it won’t be his handpicked candidates.  Sure they talk about fiscal responsibility, but let’s get real.  If Roger suddenly decided that the village needed to build the world’s tallest skyscraper, and he was going to take out bonds to fund it, would all the First Party candidates vote to stop him?

Jenny Z. Olmstead
Bolingbrook, IL

Here’s one for Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver:

To the Editor:

This election is generating interest around the world.  Residents as far away as Paris, IL are coming here just to disrupt our meetings.  Russian trolls are flooding our social media accounts to incite us into a civil war.  They say we only have a choice between two parties.

No, we don’t.  The Russians and the Downstaters don’t control me. I’m going to stick with the party that made Bolingbrook great, which is Bolingbrook First.  Roger may no longer endorse its candidates, but Roger isn’t Bolingbrook.

This year, I’m voting for Maripat Oliver.  Because Maripat is where it is at.

Jed Z. Oliver
Bolingbrook, IL

There you have it.  Now it’s up to you, the residents of Bolingbrook, to decide who you want to represent you in local government.  Remember: Anyone can complain about taxes, but voters are the ones who do something about them.

Also in the Babbler:

Werecat accused of aggressive leafleting for Bolingbrook First
Sources: Claar considers hiring Blackwater to replace the police department
Experts say local flu not caused by Martian virus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.