By Reporter X
Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.
Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space: “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility. The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space. We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”
According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year. Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.
“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base. With this incident, he has escalated from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors. This is not acceptable. It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”
The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire. Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order. The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.
The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base. Both were reportedly in good health. However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.
Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area. We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits. This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home. We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety. This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”
Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.
Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.
Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook: “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”
Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment. This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer. While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage. He walked towards two toters.”
“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron. He scans the driveway. He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter. He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught! He closes the lid. Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals. What’s this? Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in. The pocket seems to be collapsing. He’s about to be—No! He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway. You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind. No busted coverage in this community! He’s about to reach the end zone. Wait! His wife just handed him a bag of garbage. But there’s no room in the toter. What will he do? He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground. Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter. Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy! What’s that? Wow! Your campaign fund is bigger than mine. Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL. Hello?”
Also in the Babbler:
Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year
Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years
Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.