Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook to establish ‘milkshake-free’ zones (Fiction)


Will milkshakes be banned in certain parts of Bolingbrook? Sources within Village Hall say Mayor Roger Claar will establish “Milkshake-free” zones in Bolingbrook in response to several incidents of protesters tossing milkshakes at politicians.

“We’re trying to get a handle on this now,” said a source, who asked to be identified as Zed.  “I know a certain village trustee thinks we should wait until it becomes an issue in Bolingbrook.  We can’t wait, because the only warning we might have is when Roger is covered in chocolate shake.  Can you imagine how it would look if Roger is about to address potential businesses, and he gets hits with a milkshake?”

Jennifer, who asked that we not use her last name, said the move was necessary because of “unprecedented divisiveness” in Bolingbrook:

“Foes are allowed to vote against Roger’s candidates.  They’re even saying negative things about Roger in board meetings.  Not only that, but foes are allowed to serve on the Village Board, Park District Board, Library Board, and the School Board.  We used to be one Bolingbrook under Roger!”

According to the sources, milkshake-free zones will be established: 

  1. Outside of Claar’s home. 
  2. Around each village trustee’s home, (except for Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party).  
  3. Milkshakes will also be banned at Village Hall, The Bolingbrook Golf Club, 201 Canterbury LN, and Clow Airport.  
  4. Temporary zones will be established during special events, like the Village Picnic.

Some residents are not pleased with the proposed ban:

“We went through all this trouble to get a second Andy’s Custard,” said Blake Z. Milford.  “Now if I get a milkshake to go, I have to worry about accidentally driving into one of these zones.  I don’t know about you, but I think my freedom to consume a milkshake anywhere is more important than Roger’s dry cleaning bill.”

A member of Bolingbrook United, who asked to remain anonymous, said the party denounced the zones:  “We don’t encourage anyone to toss milkshakes at Roger, but we want the residents to protest the Claar dictatorship.  We suggest that every time Roger tries to bully someone into silence, residents should hold a can, in honor of our Plainfield Library Board member Jason Cann! His commitment to free speech is what all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind.”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Milkshake bans?  That’s a stupid idea.  Hell, everyone who opposes me is stupid!  Now listen and learn.  I am not a dictator because I haven’t killed anyone.  Yet.  Instead, I will work with anyone who isn’t a stupid foe.  I—”

“Excuse me,” said a man.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m with the Will County Watchdogs.”

“You mean the Edgar County Watchdogs.

“Not exactly.  They got tired of driving over two hundred miles each way to attend Bolingbrook meetings, so they gave me the franchise rights to Will County.”

“Oh sh—!  Well, I’m always willing to support a worthy organization.  How do I make a—”

“Unlike my bosses, I know how things work in Bolingbrook, and we’re not going to play that game.  Instead, I’m going to ask you some questions. You can either cooperate, or I can file a FOIA request—”

“Or you can go (Expletive Deleted) yourself!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.