Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!” She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos! I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level. Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”
She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.
“The Sixth District wants chaos. I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window. We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office. We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”
Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.
“Hello,” she said. “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati. But cool people call me AOC.”
“You’re not cool.”
Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati: “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos. We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order. I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change. The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”
She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone. We value politicians who will advance our cause— Like me. Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”
The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.
After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.” She then logged off.
Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.
“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said. “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared. Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year? That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”
Sanguinetti resumed her speech. After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great! Why are you so full of hate?”
DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.
When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook. The lie: Who are you? The truth: I have a CPA. Squires! Attack!”
Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.
“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.
After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.
“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title. “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”
“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.