We get letters: Pandemic Prose (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Since Bolingbrook is locked down, many of our readers have decided to pass the time by writing letters to us.  Unfortunately, many of them aren’t very good.  Residents of the Brook need to try harder if they want to make the Babbler’s letters page.

Folks, that means not downloading templates and trying to pass them off as your own writing — Like this poor attempt at a letter:

To the Editor:

The media is (exaggerating, lying, making up, creating) the (Wuhan Virus, the China Virus, any name besides COVID-19) to (support Democrats, make the President look bad, destroy democracy, defy evolution)!

We need to open up the economy because (it’s more important than the lives of others, I want a haircut, my employees like working at home and saving money)  Democrats suck and should (die, go to another country, surrender to Trump)!

This (Facebook post, YouTube Video, Tweet, non-medical professional) proves I’m right.  If the mainstream media won’t cover it, it must be correct.  What about when the Democrats (make up an incident)?

(Triggering remark).  Fight for your liberty!  

Name
City, State

Let me guess, you got that template from the Typhoid Mary Fan Club?

Speaking of the past, this infamous Bolingbrook resident talks about her family:

To the Editor:

During World War II, my great grandfather, William Spencer, defied the British Government and refused to turn off his outdoor lighting display.  He said the threatened Blitz was no excuse to take away his freedom.  The British people didn’t hide in the underground every time a gas main exploded.  Why should they hide from German bombs?  A bomb is just another type of explosive.

He believed that World War II was a Tory hoax, and the government was really kidnapping urban children and giving them to families living in rural manors.  Dunkirk was just an unfortunate naval accident made to look like a German attack.  France was pretending to be invaded by Germany.  After all, how could an impoverished nation suddenly become a major military power?

William was arrested and, allegedly, was killed during the Battle of Britain.  But his spirit still lives on in the people fighting stay at home orders today.  William didn’t let the fear of a few bombs stop him from lighting up his house.  You shouldn’t let a virus and risk of death and contagion stop you.  Freedom isn’t free!

Charlene Spencer
Bolingbrook, IL

I think someone confused selfishness with liberty.

Moving on, it seems another person in Edgar County has an interest in Bolingbrook:

To the Editor:

The DuPage Township refuses to buy hydroxychloroquine for their residents.  The President and four doctors I’ve read about on the Internet say it works.  That proves it works.  The DuPage Township Trustees must resign!

Johnny Redd
Paris, IL

The plural of “anecdote” is not “data.”

Finally, we’ll conclude with this letter:

To the Editor:

Mayor Roger Claar seriously embarrassed himself on BCTV today.  Nearly 2000 people have died from the Coronavirus in Illinois, and Roger was upset because he didn’t like the new rules for opening golf courses.  

I’m sorry, but a pandemic is not the time to be upset over the ban on practice ranges and handshakes.  Nor is it a time to argue rules regulating how many people should be allowed on a pontoon boat.  Where in Bolingbrook can you launch a pontoon boat?

Then he topped it off by implying that most counties in Illinois don’t have any Covid cases.  The fact is only six counties in Illinois claim to not have any reported cases.  

We are in the middle of a pandemic, and we still don’t know all the ways it can kill or harm us.  People who don’t have symptoms can still spread this virus, and can endanger others around them.  Doctors are risking their lives to take care of patients.  Governor Pritzker is leading Illinois through a dark time, using science.  Roger is whining.  Trump is lying and endangering the public.  May I suggest some fine Costco cheese that will compliment our mayor’s whine, and an end to Trump’s daily (rally) briefings?

Becky R. Baker
Bolingbrook, IL

Stay Bolingbrook Strong, and someday we’ll tell our grandchildren that people used to touch each other before the great pandemic!

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook man arrested for painting door with bat blood
Mayor Claar orders Clow UFO Base sealed until a vaccine is available
Naperville Mayor denies trying to bribe COVID-19 patients
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/20

Space Force raids both Bolingbrook Meijer stores (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force commandos based at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base raided Bolingbrook’s Meijer’s stores on Saturday.

According to employees working the night shift, the commandos charged the loading docks armed with laser rifles.  After they secured the docks, Black trucks with black trailers pulled up.  The employees then were ordered to load them.

“They said they were acting on behalf of Donald Trump,” said Joe, who didn’t want his last name published.  “I was okay with that since I’m a Trump supporter and we are in a National Emergency.  Still, did they really need to take all the toilet paper?”

Mary, who refused to give her last name, claims she was stunned by one of the commandos.  “I suspected that they were just seizing supplies to give to Trump’s friends.  Those are essential supplies for Bolingbrook, and I am an essential worker.  So I threw myself on a pallet of hand sanitizer and said they could take this pallet after they pried my dead body off of it.  Then there was a flash, and I woke up on an empty loading dock.  I may be an essential worker, but they sure don’t pay me like one.”

Eyewitnesses say a police officer tried to stop the commandos but failed.  

“He was speeding towards the trucks,” said Paulette X. Milton, a dock worker.  “Over his PA he told the Space Force thieves to drop their weapons.  Instead, they fired warning shots next to the car.  The officer said ‘(Expletive Deleted) then sped off.  At least he tried to save our supplies.”

According to Joe, after the trucks were loaded, one of the commandos played a video message from Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner:

“In the video, Jared thanked us for taking care of ‘our’ supplies.  He said if Space Force had any leftover, they would sell it to us.  We’d get a discount if we didn’t stock any copies of the book Hiding in Plain Sight.  That was really nice of him to offer a discount. He also said something about telling Colin to keep up the good work.  Not sure what that was about, but I guess it’s good that he knows someone in Bolingbrook.”

Later, The Space Force 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow UFO Base admitted they took the supplies:

“We are fighting a war with China to take our Moon back!  We will not let China’s space virus bioweapon stop us!  If preventing a Red Moon means civilians will have stinky asses and germ-infested hands, so be it!  MAGA!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “We have to end this lockdown.  Sales taxes have flatlined.  Restaurant taxes are on life support.  Ulta is putting employees on leave.  Residents will leave, and I’ll be forced to sell the strip malls back to farmers.  I can’t lose my legacy.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m working on a campaign to get all the residents to accept mass testing and to download a COVID tracking app.  Once we can track everyone, we’ll be able to get the economy up and running.”

“Why do we need a campaign?  My residents will download it without question for the good of our village!”

“Obviously you haven’t read the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group lately.”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicago declares Easter Bunny an “essential worker”
Trustee Carpanzano declares psychic Easter egg hunt a success
Village of Palatine adds new UFO Landing fees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Alien reporters flock to Chicagoland (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Klizgot, a reporter from Glot, an interstellar news agency, walks along the empty streets of The Promenade Bolingbrook with her cameraperson, Bloz.  Both are wearing human suits. Klizgot narrates:

“This was once the social and commercial center of Bolingbrook, home of the famous Clow UFO Base.  Now it is nearly abandoned.  The residents shelter at home to avoid being infected by the COVID-19 virus.  Bolingbrook’s leaders, like others on Earth, struggle to keep the pandemic under control.  Meanwhile, a death cult uses online and cable networks to spread their propaganda to lure—”

“You two are standing too close to each other!”  A woman yells, holding a bag of carryout from Mora Asian Kitchen.

“We are human reporters covering the great filter event.”

“Spreading fake news isn’t an essential business!  I’m telling (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) on all of you!”

Alien reporters from across the Virgo Cluster are flocking to Earth’s major cities to cover the Coronavirus pandemic.  Their organizations have established a base camp in Palatine, near Rob Sherman UFO Base.

“The Media camp is administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth,” said Palatine Village Reid Ottesen.  “They’re making sure that only visitors that are immune to the Coronavirus are allowed to land.  They also told me that the tunnels have their own immune system and the virus doesn’t stand a chance.  I wish they would give us the technology to do that, but the Commonwealth says humanity still has to prove it’s worth.”

Inside the camp, the alien equivalents of news actors broadcast stories about the pandemic.  Most wonder if human civilization is about to encounter “The Great Filter.”  Most alien scholars describe it as the point at which a planetary civilization collapses or evolves into an interstellar civilization.

Nazoo, a reporter for Novacore News Agency, explained: “In human terms, imagine a bird jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon.  It will either flap its wings and fly, or it will plummet to its death.  It’s sad watching civilizations fail, but it’s also uplifting to watch the ones that survive.”

Like Earth’s media companies, the interstellar outlets feature pundits debating each other.  On one show, two aliens debated if humanity should be allowed to die:

“We can’t just keep watching species go extinct,” said the first alien.  “We have the power to save species like humans.  Our inaction is criminal.”

“Illogical,” said the second alien.  “The only thing that must be preserved is the economy.  This virus will purge Earth’s economy of its human infestation, and allow it to function efficiently.  No longer will the economy be bound to serving human needs.  It will finally achieve perfection, and we must not interfere.”

Plazego, a popular interstellar news personality, has been delivering monologs about Chicagoland’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic.  One of her recent ones dealt with Bolingbrook.  She concluded by saying:

“So Roger broadcasts that Bolingbrook is not a police state, that he’s doing the best he can, which he probably is, and we shouldn’t discuss local politics.  Yet in the same speech, he gets mad at people criticizing him, mentions Trump, then mentions a mysterious political email survey which angers him even more.  And you know when Roger’s angry, his supporters get angry.  Which would make the end of his speech…sound…Political?  Like he’s trying to make residents angry at his opponents and more likely to support his candidates in the next election?  Maybe.  And while this is happening, the Great Filter moves closer to Bolingbrook.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned!”

After the broadcast, Plazego said: “I love Rachel Maddow.”

The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You guys always say that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, the Babbler will exist.  So I guess Bolingbrook isn’t dead yet.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m working my (expletive deleted) off dealing with this pandemic.  What are you guys doing?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “I’m here to tell our first responders that Giamanco Law Partners is offering them $10,000 in free legal services.”

“Michael?  I”m sure you can top that.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “I’m promoting local businesses with my Bolingbrook Strong initiative!  Because it’s always important to shop during a major national crisis.”

“That’s the Republican way!”

“And I’m going to announce a contact-less Easter Egg hunt, which will bring the community together.”

“Let me guess,” said Jaskiewicz, “you’re going to use drones that children can control from their homes?”

“You’re so negative,” replied Carpanzano.  “This event will take place indoors!”

After several moments of silence, Jaskiewicz said: “You’re right.  I can’t top that.”

Before Klizgot and Bloz returned to Palatine, they interviewed a video blogger standing outside of NCH hospital in Arlington Heights.

Klizgot questioned why the blogger claimed NCH had no COVID-19 cases when that clearly isn’t true.

“There is no truth,” replied the blogger.  “There are only views, and my views are through the roof since I started posting about this fake virus.”

“But people are dying,” said Klzgot.

“People die all the time,” the blogger replied.  “Triggering liberals is special, and I can’t wait to post this video.”

“Did you go inside?  Because we’ve been inside.”

“My viewers don’t need me to go inside to know the truth.  They don’t want to believe the government, and I provide them with alternative facts to affirm their beliefs.”

“The government says Ricin is poisonous.  Do your followers believe it isn’t?”

“Well it is natural, so it can’t be bad.  Hey!  That will be a future video.  Maybe this time Donald Trump will post a link to my channel.  Thanks!”

Klizgot then turns towards the camera:  “As humanity approaches the Great Filter, there are humans risking their lives for the survival of their civilization, but they’re up against members of a militant death cult.   Will humanity survive, or humanity’s orange god of death get his sacrifice?  Keep watching to find out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force confiscates toilet paper from Meijer
Skeptics arrested for attempted anti-homeopathy protest
Alien treated for cable news overdose
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook cracks down on weredogs’ cannabis home delivery service (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs announced a crackdown on the weredogs’ “fetching” cannabis for residents.

The press release stated: “Pandemic or no pandemic, home delivery of cannabis is still illegal in Illinois. Any weredog involved in this criminal operation is a bad dog!”

Hillary, who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed the department trying to arrest a weredog:

“This cute dog dropped a bag of weed on my front door.  I was about to tip him when this black armored vehicle drove on to my front yard.  Two masked men told the dog to roll over.  Instead, he shape-shifted into a giant dog and ran away.  One of the men yelled: ‘Bolingbrook says no to drugs.’ I said Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook.  They said they would deal with me later.  They drove off before I could tell them what I felt.”

Bud, the Alpha dog of the Bolingbrook Weredeer association, says his fellow weredogs are performing an essential service for Bolingbrook:

“Residents are stressed.  It’s not enough for (Mayor Roger Claar) to tell us to stay calm.  They need weed.  It’s great the dispensaries are offering curbside pick up, but that shouldn’t be the only option.  We’re happy to fetch weed for anyone who wants it.  You can give us a treat instead of cash!”

Ruth, another weredog, claims Claar tried to arrest her for delivering cannabis:

“I was walking in human form and minding my own business.  Roger drove by and gave me a look.  I waved and kept walking.  He pulled up to a police car and told the officer to arrest me.  The officer refused because I was still walking, and he wasn’t allowed to chase suspects.  Roger said he was the mayor of Bolingbrook and he was ordering the officer to chase me.  That’s when I shifted into dog form and rushed into the bushes.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “saving Bolingbrook” and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Mr. President.  You are the greatest leader the world has ever known.  I risked my political career when I first endorsed you.  Your followers will say anything to defend me online.  I am forever in debt to you and the MAGA family.  How’s that?”

“A man who sounded like President Trump replied:  “Not bad.  Where are you from again?”

“Bolingbrook, Illinois.”

“Never been there.”

“Mr. President, can I count on you to make sure we get some medical supplies?  I don’t know what else I can give you.”

“That golf course.”

“You want to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“I suppose I could with all the billions Congress just gave me.  But you see, there’s a serious problem.  It’s too far away from the airport.  I need you to do me a favor and move it closer to the Chicago airport.”

“Um, for the first time, I really don’t know what to say, Mr. President.  I don’t think you can move a golf course.”

“Have you tried?”

Also in the Babbler:

Nitrile Glove monsters terrorize grocery shoppers
Hidden Lakes Monster frolics as residents shelter in place
Mayor Claar postpones weredeer hunting season
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Mayor Claar conscripts wereskunks to help combat COVID-19 (Fiction)

A COVID-19 infographic allegedly created by the Village of Bolingbrook, featuring Snowy the Bolingbrook Skunk.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has ordered the village’s wereskunks to help with COVID-19 relief efforts.

“Roger said he gives us unrestricted access to trash,” said Zac, who claims to be a wereskunk.  “He said we need to help out because we’re immune to COVID-19, and if every resident dies, there won’t be any trash.  How can we live without Bolingbrook’s generous trash offerings?”

Sources (and wereskunks) say wereskunks are expected to patrol non-essential businesses and parks.  They are also required to combat “rumors and misinformation” about the virus.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he was attacked by a wereskunk:

“I was telling my neighbors that President Trump says we should all take chloroquine and azithromycin to fight off the virus.  Then this scruffy woman walked up to me and said our President was lying to us.  She said chloroquine hasn’t been tested and can be poisonous. She then had the nerve to say azithromycin can cause heart problems and is an antibiotic, not an antiviral.  I said she was spreading fake news.  Then she turned into a giant skunk and sprayed me.  She called me human garbage and threatened to spread my organs around Bolingbrook if I ever quoted Trump again.  Now it’s easy for me to practice social distancing because nobody wants to stand closer than 20 feet to me.”

Anita, another resident who asked that we not use her last name, claims that she saw a wereskunk eat someone:

“This guy was spouting anti-Semitic nonsense and saying he was going to infect Jews with the Coronavirus.  A wereskunk jumped down from a tree and ate him.  I was horrified.  The wereskunk explained that he was immune to the virus and it was the only way to protect us.  I guess that was nice.  Maybe I’ll leave out an extra bag of garbage for his skunk cousins.”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of wereskunks and said he was too busy for an interview. She said:

“You should be thankful that the governor thinks the media should be classified as an essential business.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Dear God, I’ve had a good life.  Please take me now before I have to commit an unspeakable act to save my village…Fine, be that way!”

A few moments later he said: “Hello Jackie.  I guess we have to work together to save Bolingbrook.”

A woman who sounded like Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, said: “Yes we do, Roger.”

Also in the Babbler:

Lisle’s trees warn residents not to horde paper products
A miraculous image of ‘Friendly Atheist’ inspires local atheists to harass bloggers
Weredogs fetch groceries for Bolingbrook’s elderly residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook braces for COVID-19 outbreak (Fiction)

Please note:  This is a work of fiction.  For real information go to the CDC web site and/or the Will County Health Department.

As COVID-19 virus spreads around the world, Bolingbrook braces for its possible arrival.  The following reports are from our reporters:

Emergency command center fully operational at the Bolingbrook Golf Club

Sources at village hall confirmed that Mayor Claar activated the secret emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf club.

“It’s the perfect place to house a pandemic command center,” said one anonymous source.  “It’s isolated.  Hardly anyone comes here most of the week, and we have plenty of food and supplies on hand.”

According to the sources, the command center consists of a hidden room in the golf club and a “bridal suite” that has been converted into an office for Claar.  The sources agree that the hidden room has never been used before, and Claar has conducted many “practice runs” setting up his office.

The command center is staffed by representatives from each department, and a backup village board.  Initially, Claar selected all the members of the backup board, but after Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz protested, he was allowed to select his alternate to the board.

According to a member of Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United party, “the alternate board is now just as representative of Bolingbrook as the main board is. This means our alternate will be allowed to protest any boneheaded decisions Roger makes before his lackeys enact them.”

The command center staff are described as being in “good health and good spirits.”  Though there are no cases of COVID-19 reported in Will County, the staff are staying busy.

“They’re learning how to play golf,” said an anonymous source.  “Which makes the Golf Club look popular.  Plus they’re eating the food that would normally get thrown out.  They love the Mayor’s Platter!  So right now, this is a big win for the Golf Club.  If we manage to avoid an outbreak, the village will come out ahead!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs orders vampires to “self-quarantine”

Because COVID-19 can be carried by bats, all of Bolingbrook’s vampires have been ordered to self-quarantine until the end of the outbreak.

“Sure it’s discrimination,” said Don Z. Williams, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But vampires don’t have rights in Bolingbrook, and we need to look like we’re doing something to protect the residents of Bolingbrook.”

Vlad, a vampire who did not use his real name, resents being asked to stay in his apartment during the outbreak:  

“I’m not sick.  I haven’t fed on anyone who visited China, Italy, or Chicago.  Why should I have to suffer?”

The Guild of Bolingbrook Vampires released a statement claiming that vampires are immune to all disease and shouldn’t be confined to their homes:

“We are the undead.  Viruses need living hosts.  This is yet another example of vampire-phobia.  Just because we suck human blood, does not mean we spread disease, turn humanity into our cattle, or want to turn everyone into a vampire.  We’re people just like you, only we like to bite humans.”

The Department says they will supply every Vampire in Bolingbrook with cow and pigs blood until the quarantine is lifted.

Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’

Like China, sources say the Village of Bolingbrook is prepared to use drones in case a quarantine is enacted:

“We don’t want to endanger our police officers by doing door to door searches,” said Jill, a village official who asked that we not use her real name.  With drones, we can quickly search  the village for violators.”

According to the sources, the drones are currently equipped with video cameras and loudspeakers.  Public safety officials are conducting test flights around Bolingbrook.  Most of the flights involve no communication with residents, and videos are erased after each flight.

Some sources, however, showed video of Claar speaking to residents using the drones.  In one video, Claar speaks to Trustee Jaskiewicz as the drone flies over Jaskiewicz’s driveway:

Claar:Bob, the Coronavirus targets old people like us.You should stay indoors until I tell you to leave.

Jaskiewicz:You first, Roger.Now leave me alone.

In another video, a drone flies over Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere.

Claar:  Didn’t you hear?  The election has been canceled.  Go home!

Traynere:  You wish, Roger.

Claar:  You’re spreading Socialism, Jackie.  That’s just as bad as the Coronavirus.

Traynere:  You’re confusing authoritarianism with socialism, Roger.  Bernie’s healthcare plan will help all Bolingbrook residents.

Claar:  That’s what socialists like you want residents to think.  Socialism is an illness.

Traynere:  I don’t know.  You seem to like socialized luxury golf clubs, and I don’t see you threatening to privatize our roads.  

Claar:  You can’t stop me.  I’m a God fearing Trump supporter.

Traynere:  God won’t protect you from the Coronavirus   I’ll summon my online Bernie friends if you don’t leave me alone.

(Drone flies away.)

The sources also added that there are plans to arm some of the drones with guns:

“Don’t even think of trying to shoot one down.  They’ll be able to shoot back, and you’ll be charged with destroying police property.”

When reached for comments, Claar replied:  “Drones are a great idea!  I’ll use my campaign fund to buy some.  I can use them to deliver leaflets and keep an eye on my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens celebrate as Lady Raiders finish third in the state finals
No plans to close Clow UFO Base per Mayor Claar
Church of Christopher Hitchens will be included in church closings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bernie Sanders draws record crowd to Clow UFO Base rally (Fiction)

File photo of Sen. Bernie Sanders. “IMG_5513” by cornstalker is licensed under CC BY 2.0

By Reporter X

Fresh off his victory in the Nevada caucuses, Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders hosted the largest political rally in the history of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The rally was broadcasted live across the solar system.

“The solar system is feeling the burn!” said Sanders.

The crowd chanted, “Bernie or Burn!”  Sanders motioned for the crowd to stop that chant.

“Let’s be clear,” said Sanders.  “We’re not going to literally burn people.  We’re going to give people Medicare for All.  We’re going to reallocate government funds to cancel taxpayers’ student loan debt.  The only thing we’re going to burn is the structure of the corrupt New World Order!”

Sanders called on his supporters to vote in the March 1st Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  The primary is for members of the Democratic party who work off-world but within the solar system. 

“They say, ‘Oh the Interplanetary Primary is a waste of time.  The delegates selected can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting.  Why bother?’  I’ll tell you why, because this contested convention will go to the fourth round.  If we can survive the superdelegates and the backroom deals for the first three rounds, the Interplanetary Delegates will push us over the finish line!”

Sanders also praised the Illuminati:

“I have consistently fought for the working class. When the New World Order refused to make changes, I turned to the Illuminati.  We agreed that the current world order doesn’t work, and must be replaced.  It was a natural fit!”

Sanders then pointed to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“I want to thank my good friend Roger for hosting this fine gathering.”

“Don’t mention it,” Claar yelled back.  “Please….I’m on the verge of becoming a recurring Fox News guest.”

“Good point.  Folks.  The Illuminati is made up of both Democrats and Republicans.  Trump is a member of the Illuminati.  If I get the Democratic nomination, the Illuminati will win the Presidency.”

While Trump is a member of the Illuminati, Sanders did not show him mercy:

“He disrupted the world order, but he has no vision besides kleptocracy!  He is an incompetent fool and a useless tool.  He needs to be replaced before he kills us all!”

Sanders warned that the New World Order will fight dirty to steal the nomination from him:

“They’ve brought in Mike Bloomberg, a switch hitter for the New World Order.  He’s been a Republican.  He’s been a Democrat, but he has always worked for the New World Order.  Chris Matthews, one of their best operatives, compared my campaign to the Nazi invasion of France.  Really?  I have a message to the Bearded Men of the New World Order.  The Nazi’s killed my relatives.  That is a disgusting attack. The American people will see through your desperate lies, and vote out your puppets!”

Later in the speech, Marianne Williamson astrally projected herself onto the stage and endorsed Sanders:

“Sometimes, when great minds transcend reality, they risk becoming irrelevant to reality.  Bernie Sanders is not irrelevant to our reality.  Bernie Sanders is our reality.”

After she vanished, Sanders replied, “Thanks, Marianne.  Now, where was I?”

Sanders concluded by saying all are welcome to join his “revolution:”

“If you want a President who will stand up to the Martian Colonies, come join us.  If you’re tired of being abducted by aliens, come join us.  If you even suspect that you don’t fit into Pete’s narrow moderate ideology, come join us.  If you liked Barack Obama, but think Uncle Joe has lost touch with reality, come join us.  And if you can’t tell if Amy is being nice or Minnesota Nice to you, join our revolution!  All are welcome to help us take back our country.  Fnord!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar offered a show on Fox Interstellar Network
Church of Christopher Hitchens issues ‘Hitchslap’ to President Trump
Carpanzano android double explodes during ‘Mayoral test run’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/28/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.”

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.