By Reporter X
The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.
During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said:
“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”
Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack. If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours. Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”
“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.
The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook. According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”
Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth. Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point. Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption. While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system. Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”
An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:
“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens. Their leader said that they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site. Then several large crates appeared. I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills. They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site. Turns out, they paid $50.5 million. Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”
Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site. Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.”
According to one source: “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.”
Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.
“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.
Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court. He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:
“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”
“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler. “We can last one minute.”
“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.
A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.
When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.
“Yes. I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”
Also in the Babbler:
Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.