By Reporter X
Klizgot, a reporter from Glot, an interstellar news agency, walks along the empty streets of The Promenade Bolingbrook with her cameraperson, Bloz. Both are wearing human suits. Klizgot narrates:
“This was once the social and commercial center of Bolingbrook, home of the famous Clow UFO Base. Now it is nearly abandoned. The residents shelter at home to avoid being infected by the COVID-19 virus. Bolingbrook’s leaders, like others on Earth, struggle to keep the pandemic under control. Meanwhile, a death cult uses online and cable networks to spread their propaganda to lure—”
“You two are standing too close to each other!” A woman yells, holding a bag of carryout from Mora Asian Kitchen.
“We are human reporters covering the great filter event.”
“Spreading fake news isn’t an essential business! I’m telling (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) on all of you!”
Alien reporters from across the Virgo Cluster are flocking to Earth’s major cities to cover the Coronavirus pandemic. Their organizations have established a base camp in Palatine, near Rob Sherman UFO Base.
“The Media camp is administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth,” said Palatine Village Reid Ottesen. “They’re making sure that only visitors that are immune to the Coronavirus are allowed to land. They also told me that the tunnels have their own immune system and the virus doesn’t stand a chance. I wish they would give us the technology to do that, but the Commonwealth says humanity still has to prove it’s worth.”
Inside the camp, the alien equivalents of news actors broadcast stories about the pandemic. Most wonder if human civilization is about to encounter “The Great Filter.” Most alien scholars describe it as the point at which a planetary civilization collapses or evolves into an interstellar civilization.
Nazoo, a reporter for Novacore News Agency, explained: “In human terms, imagine a bird jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon. It will either flap its wings and fly, or it will plummet to its death. It’s sad watching civilizations fail, but it’s also uplifting to watch the ones that survive.”
Like Earth’s media companies, the interstellar outlets feature pundits debating each other. On one show, two aliens debated if humanity should be allowed to die:
“We can’t just keep watching species go extinct,” said the first alien. “We have the power to save species like humans. Our inaction is criminal.”
“Illogical,” said the second alien. “The only thing that must be preserved is the economy. This virus will purge Earth’s economy of its human infestation, and allow it to function efficiently. No longer will the economy be bound to serving human needs. It will finally achieve perfection, and we must not interfere.”
Plazego, a popular interstellar news personality, has been delivering monologs about Chicagoland’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. One of her recent ones dealt with Bolingbrook. She concluded by saying:
“So Roger broadcasts that Bolingbrook is not a police state, that he’s doing the best he can, which he probably is, and we shouldn’t discuss local politics. Yet in the same speech, he gets mad at people criticizing him, mentions Trump, then mentions a mysterious political email survey which angers him even more. And you know when Roger’s angry, his supporters get angry. Which would make the end of his speech…sound…Political? Like he’s trying to make residents angry at his opponents and more likely to support his candidates in the next election? Maybe. And while this is happening, the Great Filter moves closer to Bolingbrook. What will happen next? Stay tuned!”
After the broadcast, Plazego said: “I love Rachel Maddow.”
The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:
“You guys always say that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, the Babbler will exist. So I guess Bolingbrook isn’t dead yet.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m working my (expletive deleted) off dealing with this pandemic. What are you guys doing?”
A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “I’m here to tell our first responders that Giamanco Law Partners is offering them $10,000 in free legal services.”
“Michael? I”m sure you can top that.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “I’m promoting local businesses with my Bolingbrook Strong initiative! Because it’s always important to shop during a major national crisis.”
“That’s the Republican way!”
“And I’m going to announce a contact-less Easter Egg hunt, which will bring the community together.”
“Let me guess,” said Jaskiewicz, “you’re going to use drones that children can control from their homes?”
“You’re so negative,” replied Carpanzano. “This event will take place indoors!”
After several moments of silence, Jaskiewicz said: “You’re right. I can’t top that.”
Before Klizgot and Bloz returned to Palatine, they interviewed a video blogger standing outside of NCH hospital in Arlington Heights.
Klizgot questioned why the blogger claimed NCH had no COVID-19 cases when that clearly isn’t true.
“There is no truth,” replied the blogger. “There are only views, and my views are through the roof since I started posting about this fake virus.”
“But people are dying,” said Klzgot.
“People die all the time,” the blogger replied. “Triggering liberals is special, and I can’t wait to post this video.”
“Did you go inside? Because we’ve been inside.”
“My viewers don’t need me to go inside to know the truth. They don’t want to believe the government, and I provide them with alternative facts to affirm their beliefs.”
“The government says Ricin is poisonous. Do your followers believe it isn’t?”
“Well it is natural, so it can’t be bad. Hey! That will be a future video. Maybe this time Donald Trump will post a link to my channel. Thanks!”
Klizgot then turns towards the camera: “As humanity approaches the Great Filter, there are humans risking their lives for the survival of their civilization, but they’re up against members of a militant death cult. Will humanity survive, or humanity’s orange god of death get his sacrifice? Keep watching to find out!”
Also in the Babbler:
Space Force confiscates toilet paper from Meijer
Skeptics arrested for attempted anti-homeopathy protest
Alien treated for cable news overdose
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.