By Reporter X
Space Force commandos based at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base raided Bolingbrook’s Meijer’s stores on Saturday.
According to employees working the night shift, the commandos charged the loading docks armed with laser rifles. After they secured the docks, Black trucks with black trailers pulled up. The employees then were ordered to load them.
“They said they were acting on behalf of Donald Trump,” said Joe, who didn’t want his last name published. “I was okay with that since I’m a Trump supporter and we are in a National Emergency. Still, did they really need to take all the toilet paper?”
Mary, who refused to give her last name, claims she was stunned by one of the commandos. “I suspected that they were just seizing supplies to give to Trump’s friends. Those are essential supplies for Bolingbrook, and I am an essential worker. So I threw myself on a pallet of hand sanitizer and said they could take this pallet after they pried my dead body off of it. Then there was a flash, and I woke up on an empty loading dock. I may be an essential worker, but they sure don’t pay me like one.”
Eyewitnesses say a police officer tried to stop the commandos but failed.
“He was speeding towards the trucks,” said Paulette X. Milton, a dock worker. “Over his PA he told the Space Force thieves to drop their weapons. Instead, they fired warning shots next to the car. The officer said ‘(Expletive Deleted) then sped off. At least he tried to save our supplies.”
According to Joe, after the trucks were loaded, one of the commandos played a video message from Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner:
“In the video, Jared thanked us for taking care of ‘our’ supplies. He said if Space Force had any leftover, they would sell it to us. We’d get a discount if we didn’t stock any copies of the book Hiding in Plain Sight. That was really nice of him to offer a discount. He also said something about telling Colin to keep up the good work. Not sure what that was about, but I guess it’s good that he knows someone in Bolingbrook.”
Later, The Space Force 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow UFO Base admitted they took the supplies:
“We are fighting a war with China to take our Moon back! We will not let China’s space virus bioweapon stop us! If preventing a Red Moon means civilians will have stinky asses and germ-infested hands, so be it! MAGA!”
A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “We have to end this lockdown. Sales taxes have flatlined. Restaurant taxes are on life support. Ulta is putting employees on leave. Residents will leave, and I’ll be forced to sell the strip malls back to farmers. I can’t lose my legacy.”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m working on a campaign to get all the residents to accept mass testing and to download a COVID tracking app. Once we can track everyone, we’ll be able to get the economy up and running.”
“Why do we need a campaign? My residents will download it without question for the good of our village!”
“Obviously you haven’t read the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group lately.”
Also in the Babbler:
Chicago declares Easter Bunny an “essential worker”
Trustee Carpanzano declares psychic Easter egg hunt a success
Village of Palatine adds new UFO Landing fees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.