As COVID-19 virus spreads around the world, Bolingbrook braces for its possible arrival. The following reports are from our reporters:
Emergency command center fully operational at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Sources at village hall confirmed that Mayor Claar activated the secret emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf club.
“It’s the perfect place to house a pandemic command center,” said one anonymous source. “It’s isolated. Hardly anyone comes here most of the week, and we have plenty of food and supplies on hand.”
According to the sources, the command center consists of a hidden room in the golf club and a “bridal suite” that has been converted into an office for Claar. The sources agree that the hidden room has never been used before, and Claar has conducted many “practice runs” setting up his office.
The command center is staffed by representatives from each department, and a backup village board. Initially, Claar selected all the members of the backup board, but after Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz protested, he was allowed to select his alternate to the board.
According to a member of Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United party, “the alternate board is now just as representative of Bolingbrook as the main board is. This means our alternate will be allowed to protest any boneheaded decisions Roger makes before his lackeys enact them.”
The command center staff are described as being in “good health and good spirits.” Though there are no cases of COVID-19 reported in Will County, the staff are staying busy.
“They’re learning how to play golf,” said an anonymous source. “Which makes the Golf Club look popular. Plus they’re eating the food that would normally get thrown out. They love the Mayor’s Platter! So right now, this is a big win for the Golf Club. If we manage to avoid an outbreak, the village will come out ahead!”
Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs orders vampires to “self-quarantine”
Because COVID-19 can be carried by bats, all of Bolingbrook’s vampires have been ordered to self-quarantine until the end of the outbreak.
“Sure it’s discrimination,” said Don Z. Williams, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs. “But vampires don’t have rights in Bolingbrook, and we need to look like we’re doing something to protect the residents of Bolingbrook.”
Vlad, a vampire who did not use his real name, resents being asked to stay in his apartment during the outbreak:
“I’m not sick. I haven’t fed on anyone who visited China, Italy, or Chicago. Why should I have to suffer?”
The Guild of Bolingbrook Vampires released a statement claiming that vampires are immune to all disease and shouldn’t be confined to their homes:
“We are the undead. Viruses need living hosts. This is yet another example of vampire-phobia. Just because we suck human blood, does not mean we spread disease, turn humanity into our cattle, or want to turn everyone into a vampire. We’re people just like you, only we like to bite humans.”
The Department says they will supply every Vampire in Bolingbrook with cow and pigs blood until the quarantine is lifted.
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
“We don’t want to endanger our police officers by doing door to door searches,” said Jill, a village official who asked that we not use her real name. With drones, we can quickly search the village for violators.”
According to the sources, the drones are currently equipped with video cameras and loudspeakers. Public safety officials are conducting test flights around Bolingbrook. Most of the flights involve no communication with residents, and videos are erased after each flight.
Some sources, however, showed video of Claar speaking to residents using the drones. In one video, Claar speaks to Trustee Jaskiewicz as the drone flies over Jaskiewicz’s driveway:
Claar:Bob, the Coronavirus targets old people like us.You should stay indoors until I tell you to leave.
Jaskiewicz:You first, Roger.Now leave me alone.
In another video, a drone flies over Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere.
Claar: Didn’t you hear? The election has been canceled. Go home!
Traynere: You wish, Roger.
Claar: You’re spreading Socialism, Jackie. That’s just as bad as the Coronavirus.
Traynere: You’re confusing authoritarianism with socialism, Roger. Bernie’s healthcare plan will help all Bolingbrook residents.
Claar: That’s what socialists like you want residents to think. Socialism is an illness.
Traynere: I don’t know. You seem to like socialized luxury golf clubs, and I don’t see you threatening to privatize our roads.
Claar: You can’t stop me. I’m a God fearing Trump supporter.
Traynere: God won’t protect you from the Coronavirus I’ll summon my online Bernie friends if you don’t leave me alone.
(Drone flies away.)
The sources also added that there are plans to arm some of the drones with guns:
“Don’t even think of trying to shoot one down. They’ll be able to shoot back, and you’ll be charged with destroying police property.”
When reached for comments, Claar replied: “Drones are a great idea! I’ll use my campaign fund to buy some. I can use them to deliver leaflets and keep an eye on my foes!”
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens celebrate as Lady Raiders finish third in the state finals
No plans to close Clow UFO Base per Mayor Claar
Church of Christopher Hitchens will be included in church closings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.