Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has ordered the village’s wereskunks to help with COVID-19 relief efforts.
“Roger said he gives us unrestricted access to trash,” said Zac, who claims to be a wereskunk. “He said we need to help out because we’re immune to COVID-19, and if every resident dies, there won’t be any trash. How can we live without Bolingbrook’s generous trash offerings?”
Sources (and wereskunks) say wereskunks are expected to patrol non-essential businesses and parks. They are also required to combat “rumors and misinformation” about the virus.
Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he was attacked by a wereskunk:
“I was telling my neighbors that President Trump says we should all take chloroquine and azithromycin to fight off the virus. Then this scruffy woman walked up to me and said our President was lying to us. She said chloroquine hasn’t been tested and can be poisonous. She then had the nerve to say azithromycin can cause heart problems and is an antibiotic, not an antiviral. I said she was spreading fake news. Then she turned into a giant skunk and sprayed me. She called me human garbage and threatened to spread my organs around Bolingbrook if I ever quoted Trump again. Now it’s easy for me to practice social distancing because nobody wants to stand closer than 20 feet to me.”
Anita, another resident who asked that we not use her last name, claims that she saw a wereskunk eat someone:
“This guy was spouting anti-Semitic nonsense and saying he was going to infect Jews with the Coronavirus. A wereskunk jumped down from a tree and ate him. I was horrified. The wereskunk explained that he was immune to the virus and it was the only way to protect us. I guess that was nice. Maybe I’ll leave out an extra bag of garbage for his skunk cousins.”
A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of wereskunks and said he was too busy for an interview. She said:
“You should be thankful that the governor thinks the media should be classified as an essential business.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Dear God, I’ve had a good life. Please take me now before I have to commit an unspeakable act to save my village…Fine, be that way!”
A few moments later he said: “Hello Jackie. I guess we have to work together to save Bolingbrook.”
A woman who sounded like Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, said: “Yes we do, Roger.”
Also in the Babbler:
Lisle’s trees warn residents not to horde paper products
A miraculous image of ‘Friendly Atheist’ inspires local atheists to harass bloggers
Weredogs fetch groceries for Bolingbrook’s elderly residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.