By Reporter X
Congresswoman Katie Porter, Deputy Chair of the Progressive Caucus, toured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base as part of a fact-finding tour for the Sub-subcommittee for Nuts and Bolts Spending.
“I’m happy to see such a well-maintained Illuminati base,” said Porter to a gathering of staff and alien ambassadors. “I have to remind the other base administrators that spreading global chaos does not mean spreading corruption. Fnord!”
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta then praised Porter’s achievements for the Illuminati: “Representative Porter has done more with her whiteboard than someone performing 100 Rites of the Pyramid’s Eye. She’s exposed the greed and stagnation of the New World Order and shown how the Illuminati can make positive changes in everyone’s lives. As a woman of global excellence, I salute you.”
Porter pulled out a whiteboard. “Mayor Alexander-Basta, can you state the reasons why Bolingbrook was one of the last communities to allow garbage toters?”
“Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.”
“Makes sense. I like direct answers to my questions.”
An ambassador from Alpha Centauri asked Porter why the Illuminati wasn’t trying to form an alliance with the Martian Colonies. Porter wrote out the reasons why:
- They think we’re infected with memes
- They hate us
- They want us dead
“Your Whiteboard skills are amazing. You should lead a first contact mission.”
A Clow staff member said he was “sort of” asked by Rep. Marie Newman’s campaign why she endorsed a “corporate Democrat” over Newman.
“First, let’s define what a ‘corporate Democrat’ is. Corporations and their supporters love the stock market, right? And they love to trade stocks, yes? So a corporate Democrat would love to trade stocks, right? So someone who can afford to trade over $6 million in stocks must really love trading stocks. And if that person also trades in cryptocurrency? Well, that’s the icing on the cake. Right. Well, I just described (Rep. Marie Newman). (Representative Sean Casten), on the other hand, doesn’t trade stocks and wants to ban congressional members from trading stocks. Remember, just because someone owned a business, does not mean they are a corporate Democrat.”
When the staff member pointed out that Newman was also a co-sponsor of the bill, she replied, “She profited from stock trading before she opposed stock trading. Go figure.”
Before returning to Washington, DC, Porter praised the Interstellar Commonwealth. “Whenever I get frustrated in Washington, I just remember how efficient and ethical the Commonwealth is. A good government that helps its constituents is possible in this universe!”
Also in the Babbler:
Alien mercenaries denied access to Clow
Mayor Alexander-Basta insists anti-matter storage units are safe
Leprechauns approve of parades this year
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.
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