Aliens apologize for participating in anti-Sharia law protest (Fiction)

At a press conference at Clow UFO Base, three aliens apologized for protesting Sharia law in Chicago. They apologized because they felt it really promoted hatred of Muslims.

“We heard bad things about Sharia law,” said Glopgax from Wolf 1061c.  “So I put on a human suit and joined the protest.  The counter-protesters started calling us racist; I realized that maybe there was something else going on.”

Bogoxt, from Kepler 442b, said she just wanted to have fun:  “I just went for the cosplay.  I wondered what I could do with the red, white, blue and orange theme.  They liked my costume and offered to let me hold the flag of Kekistan.  I was curious, so I looked it up online.  I discovered that it was a so-called “ironic” meme used to cover up its believers’ racism and sexism.  I handed the flag back and ran away.  I’m so sorry!  Can you forgive me?”

Leedez, from Wolf 1061c, said ze didn’t learn know about the organizers until ze participated in the protest: “I wanted to find out about the group organizing the national rallies, ACT for America.  When I found out that their leader, Brigitte Gabriel, said that Muslims couldn’t be loyal US citizens, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the rally for me.”

Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who organized the press conference, said he had arranged a meeting so the aliens could meet scholars and local Islamic leaders to discuss Sharia law.  They could also use the meeting to apologize to the Muslim Association of Bolingbrook if they wanted to.

Jaskiewicz added that Bolingbrook’s residents and visiting aliens had nothing to fear from Sharia law:

“In the United States, the US Constitution is the supreme law of the land.  There is no ordinance or court ruling that can change that.  Secular law governs everyone within the United States.  That includes Bolingbrook.”

After the press conference, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar approached Jaskiewicz.

Claar: “You know the goal of the Illuminati is to create global chaos, and we could use alien allies to achieve that goal.”

Jaskiewitz: “The goal of the New World Order is to build a just global harmony, and harmony is an idea worth spreading to other worlds.”

Claar: “Speaking of other worlds, Brodowski.”

Jaskiewitz: “Jaskiewicz.”

Claar: “Close enough.  This summer, the board is taking a trip to the planet Gaxton.  We’re going to meet with trade representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy, and we’re going to stay at a luxury resort.  This is all paid for by my interstellar campaign fund, by the way.  We’ve also got skybox seats for a Melodysheep concert.  That’s not the best part.  The best part of the trip is that each night we’ll be able to watch the Milky Way galaxy rise from the horizon, like a second dawn.  It’s an amazing sight that has changed the lives of all whom have witnessed it.  Guess who’s staying on Earth?”

Also in the Babbler:

Werewolves allowed to march in Bolingbrook Pet Parades as humans only
Claar rules that aliens can only sell BBQ sauce at MarketPlace
Bolingbrook man: ‘I was wrongly fired for ironically called my boss stupid’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/16/17

Web Exclusive: Skeptic Society named official skeptic organization of the Illuminati (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Society is now the official skeptical organization of the Illuminati.

A UFO greets the Skeptics Society at Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump announced the decision during a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  She explained that since evicting the Center for Inquiry, and Skepchick, from all Illuminati controlled bases, a “debunking gap” has formed.

“The illegal New World Order advertise that they have the best debunkers working for them.  That is an alternative fact!  Our alliance with the Skeptics Society means that we not only have the best UFO debunkers in the world, we also have the best gas lighters, period.  Illuminati bases are now the only rational choice for any visitors to the best planet in the universe.”

Mrs. Trump then introduced the Skeptics Society Executive Director Michael Shermer.  She praised his efforts to “subtlety” encourage atheists to support President Donald Trump.

“Michael knows that my husband is the key to transitioning from global order to global chaos.  It is natural that he would choose to ally his society with the Illuminati.”

Shermer reached for Mrs. Trump as she approached the table.  Mrs. Trump and her guards glared at him.  Shermer backed away, then addressed the press:

“The human race has been fooled into believing that the New World Order has made the world better.  The mind of the market makes the world better.  I support the Illuminati’s efforts to liberate the world’s markets! Fnord!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar welcomed Shermer and the new embassy staff members to Clow UFO Base:

“When I need a UFO sighting debunked, I will be happy to only deal with one group of skeptics.  Skepchick staffers were OK, even if I didn’t agree with them.  With CFI, I never knew where they stood.  One minute they were liberal.  The next they were conservative.  You never knew.  With the Skeptics Society, I know I’m dealing with an organization that is committed to the goals of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

Claar then announced the cancellation of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe live recording at Clow.  As the aliens expressed disapproval, Claar explained that he made the decision because the SGU were still loyal to the New World Order.

Next, he introduced two members of the Skepticality Team: Tim Farley, and Derek Colanduno.  Skepticality would be substituting for the SGU because they are the official podcast of the Skeptics Society.

A reporter said, “I think I remember Skepticality.  Will Swoopy be part of the live recording?”

“No,” answered Claar.  “She’s too busy with school work.”

The aliens expressed their disappointment.

“(Expletive Deleted) you!”  Said Colanduno.  “I work hard to produce these episodes!”

Shermer walked backstage as Colanduno calmed down.

Farley, who seemed to be in a better mood, said he was excited about the upcoming recording.  “What’s the harm in supporting the Illuminati?  There is no harm!  It’s great, and I can’t wait to touch the glowing orb.  Fnord!”

Colanduno said it was time to look forward.  “I don’t want to harp on the past. I can’t keep looking in my rear view mirror. Brian Dunning said it best: We have purged the irrational and emotional frauds, and now have a pure skeptical movement that is dedicated to reason and—”  He jumped up from his chair.  “Science!”

Shermer then was tossed back onto the stage and crash-landed on the table.  An alien from Barnard’s Star planet walked out.

“When I say leave me alone, I mean leave me alone!” , said the alien as she walked away.

Shermer stood up.  “Female oversensitivity seems to be a universal problem.”  Shemer laughed, but no one else did.  “Now we will show the funky side of skepticism by inviting George Hrab on stage for a special performance.”

Claar then inquired: “I thought Tim Minchin was going to be the performer?”

Shermer replied: “He insisted on playing the Pope Song in front of Melania.  So I had to send him home.”

Claar: “Good choice.  I think we’ve had enough free speech here for one day.”

Some Cavalcade of Planes visitors got a surprise UFO ride (Fiction)

By Reporter X

About 40 visitors to the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport got a surprise ride aboard a UFO.

“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name.  “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”

According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride.  He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement:  “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler.  Your village is awesome!”

The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.

Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing.  We got so close that we could look inside the windows.  The offices were closed, so it was OK!  We weren’t spying.”

The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.

“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark.  It looks so different from this angle.  I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”

The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface.  The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.

Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free.  It was such a generous gift!  I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”

The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger.  As they left, the guests met the crew.

“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth.  “But they were smart and generous.  So I can’t complain.”

The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.

“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim.   “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings.  Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”

Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:

“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this.  Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”

When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:

“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you?  Why yes, I do have a campaign fund.  What?  You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC?  Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so—  You’re fine with that?  What if I need to buy gas for my car?  Use my salary?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17

Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.

Two aliens charged with impersonating Shopkins (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs charged two Proxima Centauri aliens, impersonating Shopkins, with endangering human minors.

“This is unacceptable!”  Said Jill Z. Parker, spokesperson for the department.  “Bolingbrook has strict rules regulating our visitors’ interactions with children.  We also have the toughest rules for examining children.  So let me assure you, we will punish those aliens, regardless of what the Interstellar court rules!”

Shopkins are collectible toys that are very popular among young children and adults obsessed with collecting toys.  Characters are based on grocery or retail items.  The Retail Tracking Service named Shopkins the best selling toy of 2015.  In addition to the figures, they also have a web series, a movie, and trading cards.

Though Shopkins figures are only 1 inch tall, eyewitnesses said the aliens were about 6’ 5” tall and wore furry Shopkins costumes.

“Those costumes were a kid magnet!”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “No little kid can resist a person in a furry outfit!  Those aliens are evil!’

A Bolingbrook officer, who asked not to be named, said he saw one of the aliens:

“I was on patrol when one of the neighborhood kids waved me down.  She said, ‘I saw Kooky Cookie in my best friend’s backyard.  I don’t think that’s right.’  I had no idea who Kooky Cookie was, but I had to check it out.  I followed the kid, and then a caught a glimpse of a giant cookie.  I wasn’t sure if it was a pervert in a suit or an alien.  So I called the department, and tailed it until they met up with me.”

Jen, who asked that we not use her last name, said she walked into her backyard and saw her son playing with the two aliens:

“One looked like a giant cookie.  The other looked like a giant blue cake.  They looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize them at the time.  Anyway, I told my son not to play with strangers.  He said, ‘They’re not strangers.  They’re Shopkins!’  Good thing the Men in Blue arrived when they did.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I was going to fight them off.”

Koxmodox, the lawyer for the aliens, insisted his clients were innocent.  “This is all a big misunderstanding.  They didn’t want to kidnap anyone.  They just wanted to make the children of Bolingbrook happy.  Wouldn’t you do that for a species you know has no future?  (Mayor Roger Claar) should give each of them a medal, and drop all the charges.”

Charline Z. Spencer, a public relations for the Village of Bolingbrook, said Claar could not be bothered.

“You must be Reporter X.  I can tell by your distorted voice.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke:  “Absolutely not.  I swore that Bolingbrook would never become a sanctuary village.  No exceptions!  Go hide from your constituents somewhere else, Roskam!”

Fascist aliens launch surprise attack on Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.

Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot.  This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook!  It failed!”

The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park.  Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy.  Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley.  You know what to do!”

The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.

Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack.  “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech.  Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me.  He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”

That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies.  Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers.  There were no deaths.

At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook.  One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.

George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club.  “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air.  My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true.  Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs.  Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later.  It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’  I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting.  I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”

Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.

Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.

“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer.  “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship.  I was the first human they tried to punch.  Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit.  I asked them why they wanted to punch humans.  One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back.  Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior.  I asked if he had ever used it on himself.  He did.  Then he made a weird facial expression.  He scanned his fellow fascists too.  This is the weird part.  They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie.  They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up.  Then they flew away.”

Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.

“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”

Brown then issued a warning.  “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook.  We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”

Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”

Web Exclusive: New coal requirements spark protests at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule require all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule requiring all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

Enraged by Melania Trump’s announcement that visiting UFOs must be fueled by coal, thousands of aliens protested and rioted at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

While coal can be used to fuel some alien reactors, the new coal requirements say any alien craft landing at an Illuminati controlled UFO Base must be fueled by burning coal.

Mrs. Trump explained in a video presentation: “We have taken away Appalachia’s economic development funding, their clean water, their clean air, their health care, and their environment!  It is only fair that you take and burn their coal!”  She added that since natural gas is so cheap, it is unlikely that there will be any new coal plants built in the United States.

When some alien economists pointed out that requiring coal powered UFOs could reduce interstellar traffic to nearly zero, Mrs. Trump said she didn’t care.  “The coal industry and the coal miner unions donated money to my husband’s campaign.  They want results, and we will make you deliver those results!”

Another alien scientist asked why it wouldn’t be better for Earth to buy all the coal in North America and dump it on Venus.  “Venus can’t get any worse, Earth will have its carbon stockpile reduced, and the miners will get their money.”  Mrs. Trump replied that this plan would require congressional approval, “And we have other plans for the surviving members of Congress.”

Following the announcement, thousands of aliens marched to the Illuminati embassy to protest.  300 were arrested for attempting to breach the forcefield.  Others chanted anti-Illuminati slogans and called for the New World Order to retake Clow.

Merchant Blohegil said she attended the protest because she was furious at what it does to her business.  “There’s free trade.  There’s protectionism.  There’s communism.  Then there’s (expletive deleted) the free market!  Guess what I think this is!”

Sxop Xlop was angry as well:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth has gone to great pains to ensure that we do not disrupt human cultures and protect the environment.  Now they want to command us to pollute Earth?  No!  I will not obey President Fake Human Trump!”

Hundreds of Black Bloc-inspired aliens attacked customs stations at Clow:

“They say give back!  We say (expletive deleted) that!  They say steampunk!  We say cyberpunk!”

While there were no fatalities from the attacks, dozens of security personnel were treated for exposure to stink bombs.

The violence and protests subsided once it was announced that the coal requirements were suspended until the Interstellar Trade Organization could review them.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar estimated the damage at “a few billion dollars,” but insisted that Clow’s security had everything under control.  “Aliens riot at Clow.  What else is new?”

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.