By Reporter X
“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name. “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”
According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride. He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.
Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement: “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor. I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler. Your village is awesome!”
The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.
Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing. We got so close that we could look inside the windows. The offices were closed, so it was OK! We weren’t spying.”
The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.
“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark. It looks so different from this angle. I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”
The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface. The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.
Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free. It was such a generous gift! I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”
The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger. As they left, the guests met the crew.
“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth. “But they were smart and generous. So I can’t complain.”
The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.
“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim. “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings. Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”
Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:
“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this. Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”
When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy. In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:
“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you? Why yes, I do have a campaign fund. What? You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC? Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so— You’re fine with that? What if I need to buy gas for my car? Use my salary?”
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17