From the Webmaster: A Babbler Thanksgiving (Fiction)
My brother Dale insisted that I repost this video he made for Thanksgiving. He says he’s still asking questions about the real origins of Thanksgiving.
I can answer his questions, but I thought I it would be more fun to let our readers try to answer these questions.
Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at the Bolingbrook Babbler.
By Reporter X
For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.
“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base. “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”
Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives. While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”
“It’s just too much bureaucracy,” said an anonymous Clow official. “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother. Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”
Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.
“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job. They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume. Thanks, Roger.”
Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:
“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media. Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans. Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating. This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”
Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:
“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy. Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy. That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”
Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:
“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order. They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer. If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”
When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM. Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”
In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump. You could—“
A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters. Do I look like a quitter?”
Also in the Babbler:
Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17
OOC Note: My issue is with Joshie Berger, not any form of Judaism.
By Reporter X
Worst Cooks in America winner Joshie Berger refused to address assault allegations made by an ex-girlfriend as he opened a new restaurant at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
“I don’t want to talk about an x-ray of a cracked eye socket. I want to talk about the opening of Worst to First! This is the story I want to tell.”
According to Berger, Worst to First features “Savory Secular Dishes with a dash of political incorrectness.” He added, “I never am politically correct, and that’s why people love me. You’ll also love my food. Thanks to the Food Network, I’m now one of the best cooks in America, and visitors to Clow can enjoy my dogma-free dishes and say whatever they want. No PC police allowed in my establishment! Did I mention that I’m writing a book and I just found an interstellar publisher?”
DJ Grothe, former president of the James Randi Educational Foundation, and co-owner of Worst to First, sort of talked about the assault allegations against Berger.
“Both sides are wrong. Sorry, wrong argument. How do we know what is true? The average person believes in UFOs, but all true rational people know that UFOs aren’t real. Should we just take the word of someone without at least four rational witnesses? I’m just playing devil’s advocate. And despite what a certain sufferer of the ERA thinks, when I ran TAM, I never heard any complaints against Joshie within the prescribed time that I told every attendee about. Any critic of post-modernism will agree with me. So let’s stop talking about Facebook posts, and let’s unite the entire Atheist Movement behind Joshie’s cooking.”
During the opening day, the dishes received mixed reviews from the patrons.
Belzid, from the Kilitz Empire, said she loved her dish. “I loved the Blackened Macaroni with American and Feta Cheese! Most people would set a fire in the pan and walk away. These noodles were burned with care!”
Zopastko, from the Polaris Alliance, did not like his dish. “I ordered the BLT with fried lobster, and they gave me broiled lobster instead. I was mad, but then Joshie came out and said a Yiddish word with his special accent. How could I stay mad at him?”
While the opening night was busy, there was an incident when a human couple entered the restaurant. Each one was wearing a faceplate. Berger ran into the lobby and confronted them.
Berger: You’re wearing face guards because you think I’m going to hit you, aren’t you? Do you believe everything on the Internet?
Man: Shalom Shabbat. We —
Berger: Shalom Shabbat? It’s “Shabbat Shalom”. You’re (expletive deleted) Space Jews!
Woman: We prefer to think of ourselves as members of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.
Berger: Well I prefer to think of you as Space Jews, and this is my place. See the sign? It says “No Political Correctness Allowed.” So you’re Space Jews!
Woman: Maybe we should go elsewhere?
Berger: Not yet. You have to tell me why you’re wearing those things on your faces.
Man: We are observing Parach today.
Berger: Parach?
Woman: Yes. Centuries ago on Jaffa 4, all the plants suddenly experienced explosive growth. The colony of David was covered under miles of branches and vines. The inhabitants were down to a single tank of air. So the survivors put on their respirators and prayed. The tank only had enough air for one hour.
Man: But a miracle occurred. You know who spared the people of David, and the tank supplied seven days of air. That was long enough for a rescue party to cut their way into the colony.
Woman: So every time this year we wear replica respirators to remind ourselves that you know who is merciful as well as vengeful. We might stay if you serve Jaffa kosher food.
Berger: There’s no Kosher food of any kind served here, and what’s with all this “you know who” shtumpik? How can you be a Space Jew and believe in God?
Man: How could we see the marvels of the universe and not believe in you know who. It is disrespectful to say His name.
Berger: God! God! God! God!
Man: You’re a schmuck, and we’re leaving.
Berger: You’re the schmuck! I’m the most famous gambler and cook in the skeptical movement. People say I’m charming. They say I’m funny. That’s why I’m famous. They can take away my social media accounts, but they can’t take away my restaurant. And they can’t take away my guest spot on the Skeptics Guide to the Universe! They have to have me on, even though I defected to the Illuminati. Why? Because I’m Joshie Berger and no true human being hates me!”
Also in the Babbler:
Eighty-year-old Bolingbrook pilot forced to rejoin the Air Force
Mayor Claar orders blast shelter for Village Hall.
Claar to Facebook: Get rid of that parody page or I will ban Facebook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/26/17
By Reporter X
With Mayor Roger Claar on a business trip and Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown on medical leave, the remaining five trustees managed Clow UFO Base for a week.
“The base is still around,” said an anonymous Clow employee. “That’s all I have to say.”
Trustee Michael Lawler met with representatives from the Illuminati and gave them a tour:
“Clow UFO Base is the largest urban UFO Base in the world. It is also one of the few Intergalactic Certified UFO bases in the United States. In 1997, Clow was a rundown UFO Base. Now, look at it.”
“Excuse me,” said Initiate Blake. “In 1997, your mayor had been in charge of Clow for 12 years. Are you saying he was a bad administrator?”
“Oh, no. I did it again. Let me say that we can all agree that Clow is one of the best UFO bases in the world, and we can thank Roger for making that possible. He deserves all the credit.”
Trustee Deresa Hoogland gave a presentation to the Interstellar Association of Child Carrying Beings. At first, she talked about upcoming events for Heart Haven Outreach, then stopped.
“I’m sorry. I just realized that I was reading the wrong speech. Well, I’m sure everyone in the universe will agree that any of my prepared speeches are better than the ones written by a certain renegade trustee.”
No one in the audience replied.
Trustee Rick Morales held a meeting with Bolingbrook’s resident space aliens. They asked if they could perform “Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown” in honor of Deputy Mayor Brown.
“No!” Morales replied. “That song has been banned from Clow since 1993. You’re not taking advantage of me because Roger is out of town.”
“But we changed the lyrics,” replied Zizgot, an ambassador to Clow. “Listen. He’s Good/Good/Leroy Brown/Best Deputy Mayor in the whole darn town/Greater than Godzilla/Softer than Mothera.”
“Seriously? The word stupid doesn’t even begin to describe those lyrics adequately. There are only two kinds of beings in Bolingbrook: Residents and foes – and no resident would dare sing about Trustee Brown with those lyrics.”
“Foes?” Zizgot and his guards drew their weapons. “Did Bolingbrook just declare war on the GisBlot Empire?”
Clow security guards pulled out their guns. “Only if you don’t renounce your obvious alliance with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”
After a minute of pointing weapons at each other, Zizgot agreed not to sing the song, and Morales said that members of the GisBlot Empire were honorary Bolingbrook residents.
Trustee Maria A. Zarate managed Clow’s customs offices. She said she enjoyed the experience and was proud to deny access to a group aliens with ties to the interstellar anti-vaccination movement.
“As a trustee, I’m always voting ‘yes.’ It was so exhilarating to finally be able to say ‘no.’ Especially since I knew Roger would approve of my decision. Still, I will always vote with Roger, so don’t get the wrong idea.”
Jaskiewicz was in charge of the Complaints Department. During one meeting an alien said, “Bob, your fellow trustees say that you are an evil liar and nothing you say is true.”
“You exist,” replied Jaskiewicz.
The being touched itself for a few seconds and looked at its reflection in the window.
“I’m impressed. You are truly an intelligent being.”
Sources say Claar returned to Bolingbrook near the end of the week and praised the work of “some” of his trustees.
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook police subdue river monster blocking Royce Road
Naperville approves ‘high-end’ blast shelters
Get well soon, Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/17
By Reporter X
The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.
“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets. “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”
The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players. Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields. No one has been injured during a game.
Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.
“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller. “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team. It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement. This decision has nothing to do with that rule. This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem. We don’t play it anyway during this game!”
The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes. Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart. He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”
Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:
“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President. It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it? Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”
Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:
“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game. If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother? I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:
“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit. I did it again. Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”
Also in the Babbler:
Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar: I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week
By Reporter X
Note: This article contains Game of Thrones spoilers and a substance that might not be caffeine.
Over a thousand aliens gathered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for the first interstellar Game of Thrones convention, titled Blood Star 2017.
Kristian Nairn as Hodor.
Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar sat on a replica of the ‘Iron Throne’ Thursday night as he addressed the audience during the opening ceremony:
“You can call me the Mayor of the Southwest. On behalf of the House of Claar—Ouch! That hurt. I hate this chair! A king’s chair should feel comfortable!”
The guest of honor was Kristian Nairn, who played Hodor. He was never aware that he was inside an actual UFO base.
“I’ve never been to a Game of Thrones convention where most attendees dressed up as aliens pretending to be a character from the show.”
An alien with spikes walked up to Nairn. After looking down at him for a few moments, it curled up into a ball and started crying. “Hold the door! Hold the door! You held the door!”
“Great costume, and good acting, my friend.”
The first night of the convention featured a game show, Speed Titles. Each contestant was given the name of a character and had to recite the character’s title. The final round was between Olgo of the Corvox Empire, and Poenafa from the planet Venus. Poenafa quoted Daenerys’ title in .5 seconds, shattering the old Galactic record of 10 seconds. Olgo recited her title in .4 seconds. Judges, after reviewing the video, determined that Olgo mispronounced a word. Poenafa became the first champion.
“Thank you!” Said Poenafa. “Ever since I was a shell, I dreamed of leaving my peaceful world and venturing into the violent world of Westeros. Today, I know I would be killed within five minutes of appearing in Westeros, but I still love it. Thank you for rewarding my love.”
On the second night, there was a Stannis Baratheon Grammar Bowl. The winner was named ‘Lord of the Light, while the losers were burned in honor of the Lord of Light. Game organizers insisted that the losers wore fire proof suits, but none of them could be reached for an interview.
The only other act of violence occurred after a viewing party for the season finale. Many had placed illegal bets on the winner of the rumored Cleganbowl, but lost their money when the brothers didn’t fight during the episode.
An anonymous alien explained: “Not only did I lose my hard earned credits, but now I’m in jail for inciting a riot and gambling. I think now is a good time to convert to humanity’s libertarian religion”.
The highlight of the convention was a speech by a masked man who claimed to have ghostwritten the controversial episode “Beyond the Wall.” He explained its many puzzling features:
“I thought I had two weeks to write this, and that we were doing a ten episode season. Later, I found out that we were doing only seven episodes, and that I had to turn my work in within three days. At first, I had the worst case of writer’s block. Then I got some garbage bags of, um, caffeine! Yes, bags of caffeine! Then it came to me. I wrote ‘Beyond the Wall’ in about 15 minutes. They did a minor cleanup afterward, but most of what you see is what I wrote!”
When asked about “supersonic ravens,” he replied: “Why can’t they go that fast? Maybe the ravens had some caffeine before flying? I’ve been known to run fast after a few big bags.”
At the closing ceremony, Claar confirmed that Clow would host next year’s convention. Many screamed when he announced that the theme would be “The Red Convention.”
Also in the Babbler:
Help Houston: Donate to Foundation Beyond Belief
Mayor Claar: I am not making skunks the official mascots of Bolingbrook
Thousands of UFOs diverted to Clow UFO Base.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/17
By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.
File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.
“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”
The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast. Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:
“Hello. I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump. My big hands just pressed the big red button—“
Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.
“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”
“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”
“Very funny, Brzezinski.”
“Jaskiewicz.”
“Whatever.” Claar then turned towards the camera. “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes. It begins now.”
At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:
“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti. “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting. Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed. Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”
Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.
One staffer was proud of her work. “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter. You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them? Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”
Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.
“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook. They refused me access to my hanger. They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives. I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal. No big deal? I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal. The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct. Duck and cover didn’t save them.”
After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:
“The drill is over. In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport. We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast. Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived. Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters. Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives. According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast. Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park. It will become a profitable tourist attraction. Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less. I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again. Sorry, Stankowitz.”
“Jaskiewicz!”
“Close enough.”
By Reporter X
Ten Jewish lesbians — from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel — were kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March, along with three Jewish Earthlings. They were removed from the march because they were rallying behind a gay pride flag with a Star of David.
According to the Windy City Times, the flags “made people feel unsafe,” because the march was “anti-Zionist” and “pro-Palestinian.”
Navit, a resident of the Asher world, was outraged by the decision: “I traveled several light years and endured a bus ride from Bolingbrook to make this march. Now they’re kicking me out because of the Star of David? Why wasn’t this a problem the previous three times I attended?”
Kalanit, a resident of the Levi world, was confused by the expulsion. “I don’t agree with what the state of Israel is doing to the Palestinians. We had nothing to do with the current situation. It happened decades before we reestablished contact with Earth. Besides, even the Jews on Earth have different opinions on the treatment of Palestinians under Israeli occupation. Expelling us from a march doesn’t help. It just pushes us into the arms of Prime Minister Netanyahu.”
“Ew!” Said Navit. “Seriously, if you have a problem with the Israeli government, you should protest them, and leave other Jews out of it.”
Iliana Figueroa, a member of the Dyke March Collective, gave the following statement to the Chicagoist:
“Yesterday, during the rally, we saw three individuals carrying Israeli flags super imposed on rainbow flags. Some folks say they are Jewish Pride flags. However, as a Collective, we are very much pro-Palestine. When we see these flags we know a lot of folks who are under attack by Israel see the visuals of the flag as a threat, so we don’t want anything in the [Dyke March] space that can inadvertently or advertently express Zionism,” she said. “So we asked the folks to please leave. We told them people in the space were feeling threatened.”
Another member, who spoke anonymously to the Babbler, also defended the decision:
“If these aliens believed in justice, they would invade Israel and liberate the Palestinians. They don’t. So we know what their real agenda is!”
Both alien women say they still intend to visit the Chicago area in the future.
“The members of Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim are always very welcoming to us. They understand that preserving Jewish culture doesn’t mean believing in God. These congregations alone make the trip to Earth worthwhile.”
They also said they would continue to attend Pride events on Earth, but will avoid the Chicago Dyke March in the future.
“When did being Jewish and being a queer become incompatible?” They asked.
Also in the Babbler:
Anonymous fooled into leaking fake alien video
Sources: Mayor Claar asked to host talk show on Fox News
Transphobic AI obsessed with suspending Facebook accounts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/17
By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.
Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.
Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained: Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party. That is not the proper view. Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit. We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first. Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”
In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar. The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo. Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.
While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts. Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad: “Roger’s insulting our intelligence! Of course, it is an ad. Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign. It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t. Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”
Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political. “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy. Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget. This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure. Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate? Incredible isn’t it. I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers. Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”
When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.
“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual. I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”
“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.
Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”
“Yes,” said Charline. “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power! The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member. Don’t worry. Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”
“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account. It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”
“Impossible,” said Charline. “The weak lie. The powerful mold their truth onto reality. You’re not weak.”
“I would appreciate it if you would go along.” Said Claar. “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”
Morales sighed. “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy. I’ll do it!”
“Good. Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”
“Sure!”
“Rick, I’ve always been a patron. Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17
By Reporter X
Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.
File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.
The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage. Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.
“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer. “I dove under a table when the explosions started. I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep. When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window. There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard. A small craft landed in the yard. I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it. Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship. When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded. I will never like that dance again!”
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack. He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case. Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.
After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees. The following is from the minutes of that executive session:
Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.
Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack. Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.
Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States. The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading. Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati. Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.
After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:
I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect. The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted). To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook: I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street! Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!
When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.
“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys. Let me look it up.”
In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.” She started to sing: “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“
After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”