By Reporter X
The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.
“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets. “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”
The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players. Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields. No one has been injured during a game.
Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.
“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller. “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team. It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement. This decision has nothing to do with that rule. This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem. We don’t play it anyway during this game!”
The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes. Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart. He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”
Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:
“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President. It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it? Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”
Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:
“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game. If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother? I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:
“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit. I did it again. Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”
Also in the Babbler:
Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar: I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week