The first day of early voting in Bolingbrook started with Antifa repelling the Edgar County Irregular Militia’s attempt to “secure” the Fountaindale Library.
“It was a war zone!” said Patricia, who lives in the Beaconridge subdivision. “All the drones, bear mace, milkshake mix and paint was too much! I know Bolingbrook is the best place to live, but why are armed (expletive deleted) from Edgar County so obsessed with us?”
Joyce, a New Lenox resident who asked that we not use her last name, spotted the militia convoy while on a walk:
“They were all riding in black pickup trucks. Most of the trucks were flying Trump and US Flags. Everyone one of them was armed and none of them knew a thing about gun safety. I’m surprised they didn’t shoot each other. When the convoy stopped, they told me to take off my mask and ‘resign.’ Whatever. One guy was nice and told me to stay away from the Fountaindale Library. What really scared me was the artillery the rear trucks were towing. So I warned my friends in Bolingbrook Antifa that they were coming.”
According to sources embedded within Bolingbrook Antifa, Antifa launched scout drones to observe the approaching convoy. The militia responded by shooting down several of them.
Pete, a Bolingbrook resident, claims that militia scouts accosted him while he was walking with his wife towards the library:
“These strange men were wearing Hawaiian shirts and bulletproof vests. They walked up to us and tried to convince us that residents of DuPage Township weren’t allowed to vote early. I tried to ignore them, but they said they were doing me a favor. They said if we didn’t go home, the Edgar Calvary would arrive to perform a mass citizens’ arrest. I asked them what gave them the right to arrest Bolingbrook voters. They said the Illinois Code gives Edgar County Residents the right to pass judgment on the rest of the state. That explains a lot of things.”
According to Pete, and other eyewitnesses, the scouts stopped harassing voters when an apparent group of protesters marched towards them. From the distance, they carried the following two banners: “Pineapple Pizza Forever!” and “Ketchup and Hot Dogs go together!”
“Stand your ground!” Yelled one militia member as he raised his rifle.
“You can’t shoot protesters!” protested Pete.
“Why not,” asked the militia member. “I feel threatened, so I can shoot anyone I want, and true patriots will give millions of dollars to our lawyers. Then we can make a living collecting speaker fees from conservative think tanks. Why wouldn’t I shoot protesters?”
The militia members opened fire on the protesters, which turned out to be mannequins mounted on robot vacuums. As the militia members examined the remains of the mannequins, Antifa members, hiding behind trees, tossed milkshake mix grenades at them. The militia members retreated.
According to Pete: “They said their shirts were ruined and we laughed at them. They did look silly after all. Anyway, they ran away, and said we were going to be sorry.”
When the main convoy drove into Bolingbrook from South Bolingbrook Drive, Antifa used their robot vacuums to drag spike strips onto the road. The spikes took out several of the trucks. The leaders decided to set up a “beachhead” in the Bolingbrook Commons parking lot.
As the militia started to set up their artillery, milkshake mortar shells rained down on their base.
“Do not resign!” yelled a militia leader, according to eyewitnesses.
Ken, a Romeoville resident who asked that we not use his last name, said: “I felt like I was back in Iraq, only the insurgents were fighting with dairy products instead of IEDs. I guess if we have to descend into civil war, I’d rather deal with dairy stains than bombs.”
According to radio and internet messages intercepted by reporters and other experts, the militia planned on firing “COVID” shells at the library. From the chatter, the shells would explode over the library and rain droplets filled with the COVID-19 virus. It is not clear whether the shells really contained the virus. Some of the militia members seemed to believe that their COVID attack would drive away “libs” while Republicans would stay in line to vote.
Then, according to eyewitnesses and sources close to Bolingbrook Antifa, the steering committee asked for air support. Antifa members replied that the planes were stuck on the runway at Clow Airport due to the lack of a flight plan.
Steve, a Bolingbrook resident, claims he overheard the steering committee meeting while going for a walk:
“On the other side of the fence, they were arguing how they were going to get the planes off the ground. One of them spoke up and said it was time for a leadership moment -Whatever that means. Any way, he must have called Clow Airport because he demanded to speak with the traffic control manager. Then he did the best impersonation of (Former Mayor Roger Claar) that I ever heard. It was like: ‘You know who I am? Good! Get my planes off the ground now, I may not be the mayor, but my campaign fund is bigger than yours, and I know how to use it! No, you should’ve had them off the ground five minutes ago!’ I hope Roger doesn’t find him, because I know he hates it when people impersonate him.”
Seconds later, private airplanes dropped cluster paint bombs on the militias, ruining their uniforms, guns, trucks, and equipment.
“Remind me to never play paintball with Bolingbrook Antifa.”
Witnesses heard the militia members complain about being unable to access the Edgar County Watchdog’s web page.
“Fall back!” yelled one of the leaders.
“But we swore not to resign!” said a member.
“We’re not resigning. We’re reassigning! Big difference!”
Under attack, the militia retreated south. As they left, some witnesses said they saw DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford run after them. According to the witnesses, she yelled: “You can’t leave! Kirk said you were going to liberate the township. Don’t leave me!”
Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement following the clash with the Edgar County Irregular Militia:
“To paraphrase Roger, there are residents and there are foes. Today, we defeated the fascist foes of democracy in Bolingbrook. We will resist any fascist attempt to intimidate or harm the residents of Bolingbrook. But we can’t do it alone. We need every resident to vote in this election. We’ll punch the downstate fascists for you. You just need to vote against fascism in this election. Together, we’ll keep Bolingbrook the most awesome community in Illinois!”
A spokesperson for the Edgar County Irregular Militia referred all questions to the Edgar County Watchdogs and added: “We will not resign until Trump is named the rightful President of the United States, and DuPage Township is dissolved!”
A person who claimed to be a member of the Edgar County Watchdogs denied any ties to the militia:
“You don’t like us, and since we’re friends with Alyssia, you must not like her too. Since you don’t like her, that makes you a racist! You must resign.”
Also in the Babbler:
State Representative Tom Morrison accused of spraying pheromones at voters
Here we go again: Covid Restrictions return to Bolingbrook
Aliens deliver humanitarian aid to Clow UFO Base’s ‘Doomsday Crew’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.