“I know we have a lot of churches here,” said eyewitness Blake Q. Sampson, “But I never thought of Bolingbrook as a spiritual place. He said it is, and how can I argue with him?”
Other eyewitness saw him walking around the Promenade, being recorded eating various pasta dishes.
Anwar, who asked that we not use his last name, overheard one of the taping sessions. “I was going to say hi to him after the taping. Then when the camera started rolling, he said, ‘I had to be open minded to the possibility that the universe was created by a drunk deity.’ When he put a pasta colander on his head, I quietly walked away.”
Other eyewitnesses claim to have seen Aslan on one of the islands of Whalon Lake, meditating while wearing a pirate outfit.
Officially, the Flying Spaghetti Monster started in 2005 as satirical character meant to criticize creationism. It has since become a quasi-religion that is recognized in the Netherlands and New Zealand. Most followers do not believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti, but enjoy following Pastafarian customs. Bolingbrook is not mentioned on the official web page, and has no special significance among mainstream followers.
However, sources say there is a splinter sect that believes Bolingbrook is a holy site, Jacob, who claims to have worked on Believer, said that this sect is the reason Aslan came to Bolingbrook.
“You know we can’t do an episode without a feature on an obscure religious faction,” he said.
Jacob provided a partial transcript, which describes a dramatic confrontation:
Voiceover: Mockery! Parody! Contempt! Is this the future promised by the anti-theists? I was starting to feel hopeless.
(Aslan reading an e-mail.)
Voiceover: Then I received a message. Was what I was searching for to be found in Illinois?
(Shots of Bolingbrook, IL)
Voiceover: Bolingbrook. A village of over 70,000 people. The contradiction already appealed to me. Sam X. Clarence’s e-mail said that his sect believed that this is a holy village. I had to find out. I met Sam outside the Church of Christopher Hitchens, a combination bar and atheist community center in Bolingbrook).
Clarence (wearing a pirate outfit): Arrr!
Aslan: You really take this seriously!
Clarence: You will too, once I reveal the truth! Come inside.
Voiceover: As I walked toward the bar, I felt a malevolent presence touch my soul. It seemed to affect all the patrons as well.
(Shots of patrons glaring at Aslan.)
Patron: Waitress? Can you put some bacon fat in my beer? And can you give me a pen so I can draw a picture of Muhammad?
(They sit at a table.)
Aslan: So you believe that the church’s teachings are incorrect?
Clarence: I know they are! I’ll tell you the story. In 1976, a Chicago Tribune journalist visited Bolingbrook. He called his wife to say he loved her, then vanished. Never to be seen again. I found his last message.
(Clarence places laminated papers on the table)
Aslan: You also said that there are differences between what is in this document, and what is taught in mainline Pastafarianism.
Clarence: Yes.Yes! You see, in this work, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a god-like creature, not God! Evolution is real! The Earth really is billions of years old! Do you know who she really is?
Clarence: She is the first atheist in the universe. She is a transcendent being. Atheism opened the gateway to higher dimensions! Do you know what this means?
Clarence: Atheism is more than the mere lack of belief in gods!
(A tray crashes on the floor. Both turn. A waitress is staring at them. Her eyes widen as she points at them.)
Waitress: Atheism Plus!
(Angry patrons stand and glare at them.)
Crew member: Save the equipment!
(Cut to outside the bar.)
Manager: Don’t you ever bring your heresy in here again. Get your act together or you will spend an eternity drinking stale beer from the beer volcano and your strippers will have STDs! The New Pastament: An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife!
Clarence: You mention the strippers. In Blag Hag—
Manager: How dare you quote the Blag Hag at me?
Clarence: What? You honestly believe that a college student created Boobquake by herself? That miraculous event proved that she was touched by her noodly appendages—
Manager: His noodly appendages!
Clarence: Her noodly appendages!
(They keep repeating.)
Voiceover: As they argued doctrine, I felt a new presence overcome me. Could it be that out of the hate and mockery promoted by New Atheism, a new theism arose? The thought moved me so much that it brought me, a devout muslim to say—
(The crowd stops arguing and silently stares at Aslan.)
Though the episode is complete, Jacob says it will not be aired.
“We later found out that there are only five members of this sect. We were kind of pushing it when we featured the independent sects of Scientology. There was no way we could broadcast this episode without being laughed at.”
Jacob is hopeful that some parts of the episode will be available in the future. “Next season, we’re doing a show on humanism. We’re going to argue that religious humanism is the wave of the future. Who knows? We might come back to film services at the Ethical Humanist Society, Beth Chaverim, and Kol Hadash.”
Also in the Babbler:
Jared Kushner will meet with Mayor Claar ‘the day after peace comes to the Middle East’
Northern Will County Agency considers bringing Lake Superior water to Bolingbrook
Aliens divert astroid from hitting Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/14/17