Babbler celebrates the 19th anniversary of its first post (Fiction)

By Sara Langston
Editor of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Nineteen years ago this month, the Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article online.  It was a hand-coded HTML page hosted on a staff member’s webpage.  The story investigated the possibility of a tornado magnet located at Lewis University.  (The magnet has since been dismantled.)  There was some controversy when the article was first published because our copy editor at the time insisted that the Lewis University was misspelling its name.

From that humble beginning, the website has come a long way over nineteen years.  Today, our web page reaches an international audience, as well as the residents of Bolingbrook.  We are the place to go for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.

Each anniversary, we like to repost articles from the archives of our print edition.  This year we will be featuring our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s Mayors.  Yes, we did this in 2010, but this year we’ve made some enhancements to the articles.  Plus, we’re concerned that there are Bolingbrook residents who believe that Claar is the only mayor Bolingbrook has ever had.  While he is the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, he is not its only mayor.

So, join us this week as we’ll be featuring an interview from each of Bolingbrook’s mayors, past and present! Though these interviews, we hope you’ll see how both Bolingbrook and the Babbler have changed over the years.

Web Exclusive: Naperville protesters crash 10/24/17 Bolingbrook board meeting (Fiction)

Eyewitness and video analysis confirm that Naperville residents disrupted the 10/24/17 Village of Bolingbrook Board Meeting.  The protest was later edited out of the recording uploaded to the website.

“This was supposed to be a happy farewell to Public Safety Director Tom Ross,” said an anonymous eyewitness.  “Instead, those loud snobs, I mean Naperville residents, almost ruined it.”

According to the sources, after the Pledge of Allegiance portion of the meeting, ten Naperville residents stood up.  Their leader identified themselves as members of the Naperville Civic Response Action Team.  The leader said that they were furious over Facebook posts from the “Mayor’s Office” account.

“How dare you threaten to build a wall to separate yourselves from us.  We’re Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Suburbs separating themselves from us is not part of that reputation.  We’re the ones who do the separating!”

Mayor Roger Claar replied that the account is actually a “fake news” account, and asked if they had bothered to read the About section on the page.

“Why would we read the ‘About’ section?  We’re Naperville residents, we have a reputation to uphold.”

“I get the point!”  Claar replied.

Police escorted the ten residents out of the meeting.  Then five Naperville residents stood up and started chanting.  The first chant was, “Naperville is a-okay/Bolingbrook should go away!”  The second chant was “Naperville is beyond rebuke/Bolingbrook makes me puke!”

Claar made an unprintable remark, then said, “I told you that’s a fake news account!”

“You’re fake news!” yelled a protester.  “Just like your fake moat and your fake golf club!  You are an unworthy Trump supporter!”

Police escorted the protesters out again.  The meeting proceeded until the Trustees started giving their reports.  Another group of protesters stood up.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz interrupted them:

“Roger hates me and I have no reason to lie for him.  We’re not building a moat or a wall.  We like Naperville, and we like it when you shop in our stores and visit our events.  You’re welcome here. Let’s come together.”

Claar then shouted an unprintable comment, followed by: “Facebook just rejected my complaint about that page.  What do I have to do to get them shut down?”

After the meeting, Claar called Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico.  The two agreed that there was a misunderstanding between the two communities.  Chirico agreed to talk to the protesters, and Claar agreed to edit the video of the meeting “to protect Naperville’s reputation.”

An anonymous source at the Bolingbrook IT department confirmed the editing.  “We had to make a lot of awkward edits and used too many shots of Roger being bored.  Still, no one will ever suspect that there were protesters at the meeting.   As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Tom got the celebration he deserved!”

Neither Facebook nor the team behind the Mayor’s Office account could be reached for comment.

Bolingbrook Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown dies (Non-fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown died on October 31, 2017.  He had had open heart surgery earlier in the month.  Brown became a trustee in 1993 and a Deputy Mayor in 2000. He served in both positions until his death.  The Bolingbrook website has more details about his career and his life.

I never spoke with Leroy. However, I did see him at Village Board meetings, read about him in the local press, and watched him on BCTV.  I did send him an e-mail to settle a debate over whether the village website had his correct e-mail address.  It did.  Leroy never replied.

While we would have disagreed about politics and religion, my impression of him was that he was a friendly man who did care about the community. The organizations he volunteered for will miss him.

Yesterday, not only did Leroy die, but there was also a death in my family. I don’t take comfort in believing that Leroy is looking down on Bolingbrook, or that my deceased relative is offering to teach Leroy how to play Settlers of Catan. Instead, I found comfort when I looked up this quote from Richard Dawkins:

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

Though we were on opposite sides of the political divide, I am glad that Leroy was one of the lucky ones.

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base.  “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives.  While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,”  said an anonymous Clow official.  “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother.  Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job.  They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume.  Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media.  Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans.  Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating.  This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy.  Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy.  That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order.  They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer.  If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM.  Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump.  You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters.  Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Are you an atheist who used to believe in God? Take this survey! (Out of character)

If you used to believe in God, and have about 30 minutes to spare, you might want to take this survey by the Atheist Research Collaborative:

“The study is open to those who are at least 18 years of age, and those who once believed in god(s) but do not now; this means you are not eligible to participate if you have always been an atheist/nonbeliever. The survey is a maximum of 76 questions, and a minimum of 64 questions.  On average, the survey should take 20 to 30 minutes to complete, although individuals may find that it takes them more or less time than this, depending on their answers. The survey can be found here.”

Joseph Langston ARC Affiliate/Web Admin

it’s not hard, but remember to keep an eye out for the trick questions.

Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

OOC Note: My issue is with Joshie Berger, not any form of Judaism.

By Reporter X

Worst Cooks in America winner Joshie Berger refused to address assault allegations made by an ex-girlfriend as he opened a new restaurant at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t want to talk about an x-ray of a cracked eye socket.  I want to talk about the opening of Worst to First!  This is the story I want to tell.”

According to Berger, Worst to First features “Savory Secular Dishes with a dash of political incorrectness.”  He added, “I never am politically correct, and that’s why people love me.  You’ll also love my food.  Thanks to the Food Network, I’m now one of the best cooks in America, and visitors to Clow can enjoy my dogma-free dishes and say whatever they want.  No PC police allowed in my establishment!  Did I mention that I’m writing a book and I just found an interstellar publisher?”

DJ Grothe, former president of the James Randi Educational Foundation, and co-owner of Worst to First, sort of talked about the assault allegations against Berger.

“Both sides are wrong.  Sorry, wrong argument.  How do we know what is true?  The average person believes in UFOs, but all true rational people know that UFOs aren’t real.  Should we just take the word of someone without at least four rational witnesses?  I’m just playing devil’s advocate.  And despite what a certain sufferer of the ERA thinks, when I ran TAM, I never heard any complaints against Joshie within the prescribed time that I told every attendee about.  Any critic of post-modernism will agree with me.  So let’s stop talking about Facebook posts, and let’s unite the entire Atheist Movement behind Joshie’s cooking.”

During the opening day, the dishes received mixed reviews from the patrons.

Belzid, from the Kilitz Empire, said she loved her dish.  “I loved the Blackened Macaroni with American and Feta Cheese!  Most people would set a fire in the pan and walk away.  These noodles were burned with care!”

Zopastko, from the Polaris Alliance, did not like his dish.  “I ordered the BLT with fried lobster, and they gave me broiled lobster instead.  I was mad, but then Joshie came out and said a Yiddish word with his special accent.  How could I stay mad at him?”

While the opening night was busy, there was an incident when a human couple entered the restaurant.  Each one was wearing a faceplate.  Berger ran into the lobby and confronted them.

Berger:  You’re wearing face guards because you think I’m going to hit you, aren’t you?  Do you believe everything on the Internet?

Man:  Shalom Shabbat.  We —

Berger:  Shalom Shabbat?  It’s “Shabbat Shalom”. You’re (expletive deleted) Space Jews!

Woman:  We prefer to think of ourselves as members of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Berger:  Well I prefer to think of you as Space Jews, and this is my place.  See the sign?  It says “No Political Correctness Allowed.”  So you’re Space Jews!

Woman: Maybe we should go elsewhere?

Berger:  Not yet.  You have to tell me why you’re wearing those things on your faces.

Man:  We are observing Parach today.

Berger:  Parach?

Woman:  Yes.  Centuries ago on Jaffa 4, all the plants suddenly experienced explosive growth.  The colony of David was covered under miles of branches and vines.  The inhabitants were down to a single tank of air.  So the survivors put on their respirators and prayed.  The tank only had enough air for one hour.

Man:  But a miracle occurred.  You know who spared the people of David, and the tank supplied seven days of air.  That was long enough for a rescue party to cut their way into the colony.

Woman:  So every time this year we wear replica respirators to remind ourselves that you know who is merciful as well as vengeful.  We might stay if you serve Jaffa kosher food.

Berger:  There’s no Kosher food of any kind served here, and what’s with all this “you know who” shtumpik?  How can you be a Space Jew and believe in God?

Man:  How could we see the marvels of the universe and not believe in you know who.  It is disrespectful to say His name.

Berger:  God!  God!  God!  God!

Man: You’re a schmuck, and we’re leaving.

Berger:  You’re the schmuck!  I’m the most famous gambler and cook in the skeptical movement.  People say I’m charming.  They say I’m funny.  That’s why I’m famous.  They can take away my social media accounts, but they can’t take away my restaurant.  And they can’t take away my guest spot on the Skeptics Guide to the Universe!  They have to have me on, even though I defected to the Illuminati.  Why?  Because I’m Joshie Berger and no true human being hates me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Eighty-year-old Bolingbrook pilot forced to rejoin the Air Force
Mayor Claar orders blast shelter for Village Hall.
Claar to Facebook:  Get rid of that parody page or I will ban Facebook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/26/17

Web Exclusive: Funds still needed for ‘Defense against Carrier SLAPP Suit’ (Mixed)

By Jenna Olson
Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

We want to remind our readers that Dr. Richard Carrier is suing Freethought Blogs, The Orbit, Skepticon, and several individuals for the reporting of allegations of inappropriate behavior. There is a GoFundMe page to raise funds for the defendants.

From the page:

Dr. Richard Carrier is suing us for reporting on his well-known allegations of misconduct. These allegations were widely reported on throughout the community, including by third-parties both critical and sympathetic to him who are not themselves defendants.

This lawsuit has all the hallmarks of a SLAPP suit — a lawsuit filed to stifle legitimate criticism and commentary. The named defendants are Skepticon, The Orbit, and Freethought Blogs – as well as individuals Lauren Lane, the lead organizer of Skepticon; Stephanie Zvan, a blogger for The Orbit; PZ Myers, a blogger for Freethought Blogs; and Amy Frank-Skiba, who publicly posted her first-hand allegations against Carrier.

We need your help to keep our voices alive. All the defendants are represented by the same attorney, First Amendment lawyer Marc Randazza. Randazza is providing his services at a significant discount, but we are not asking him to work for free. Plus, there are thousands of dollars in “costs” for the case that don’t include legal bills, and there is no way to discount those. In order to continue fighting this lawsuit, we, the defendants of this case, have put together this campaign to raise money to defray our costs, some of which is outstanding.

Donations will be used only for this case, withdrawn by Stephanie Zvan and disbursed to the lawyers and defendants to cover costs as they’re accrued. In the event that the funds raised exceed our legal bills, they will be donated to Planned Parenthood and a breakdown of what was spent where will be performed at the close of this campaign.

We are pooling our defense costs with Skepticon, however as a 501(c)3 non-profit, Skepticon is also conducting its own fundraiser where donations may be tax-deductible (ask your tax advisor). Skepticon cannot use donations it receives to help pay the shares of other individuals or organizations, though, and any excess funds raised via their campaign will go to the Skepticon conference fund.

We are confident that the court will uphold our First Amendment rights. But, through time, stress, and of course financial expense, every case like this has a chilling effect. Your support enables us to fight, and creates a warmer environment – not just for us but for others in the future.

Thank you for your support of freedom of speech, and may your new year be powerful and effective!

-Amy Frank-Skiba

-Lauren Lane

-PZ Myers

-Stephanie Zvan

These cases are expensive, even if they are dismissed.  While this happened before we joined Freethought Blogs, we fully support all the defendants and hope you will consider supporting them too.

Clow UFO Base survives without Mayor Claar and Deputy Mayor Brown (Fiction)

By Reporter X

With Mayor Roger Claar on a business trip and Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown on medical leave, the remaining five trustees managed Clow UFO Base for a week.

“The base is still around,” said an anonymous Clow employee.  “That’s all I have to say.”

Trustee Michael Lawler met with representatives from the Illuminati and gave them a tour:

“Clow UFO Base is the largest urban UFO Base in the world.  It is also one of the few Intergalactic Certified UFO bases in the United States.  In 1997, Clow was a rundown UFO Base.  Now, look at it.”

“Excuse me,” said Initiate Blake.  “In 1997, your mayor had been in charge of Clow for 12 years.  Are you saying he was a bad administrator?”

“Oh, no.  I did it again.  Let me say that we can all agree that Clow is one of the best UFO bases in the world, and we can thank Roger for making that possible.  He deserves all the credit.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland gave a presentation to the Interstellar Association of Child Carrying Beings.  At first, she talked about upcoming events for Heart Haven Outreach, then stopped.

“I’m sorry.  I just realized that I was reading the wrong speech.  Well, I’m sure everyone in the universe will agree that any of my prepared speeches are better than the ones written by a certain renegade trustee.”

No one in the audience replied.

Trustee Rick Morales held a meeting with Bolingbrook’s resident space aliens.  They asked if they could perform “Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown” in honor of Deputy Mayor Brown.

“No!” Morales replied.  “That song has been banned from Clow since 1993.  You’re not taking advantage of me because Roger is out of town.”

“But we changed the lyrics,” replied Zizgot, an ambassador to Clow.  “Listen.  He’s Good/Good/Leroy Brown/Best Deputy Mayor in the whole darn town/Greater than Godzilla/Softer than Mothera.”

“Seriously?  The word stupid doesn’t even begin to describe those lyrics adequately.  There are only two kinds of beings in Bolingbrook:  Residents and foes – and no resident would dare sing about Trustee Brown with those lyrics.”

“Foes?”  Zizgot and his guards drew their weapons.  “Did Bolingbrook just declare war on the GisBlot Empire?”

Clow security guards pulled out their guns.  “Only if you don’t renounce your obvious alliance with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

After a minute of pointing weapons at each other, Zizgot agreed not to sing the song, and Morales said that members of the GisBlot Empire were honorary Bolingbrook residents.

Trustee Maria A. Zarate managed Clow’s customs offices.  She said she enjoyed the experience and was proud to deny access to a group aliens with ties to the interstellar anti-vaccination movement.

“As a trustee, I’m always voting ‘yes.’  It was so exhilarating to finally be able to say ‘no.’ Especially since I knew Roger would approve of my decision.  Still, I will always vote with Roger, so don’t get the wrong idea.”

Jaskiewicz was in charge of the Complaints Department.  During one meeting an alien said, “Bob, your fellow trustees say that you are an evil liar and nothing you say is true.”

“You exist,” replied Jaskiewicz.

The being touched itself for a few seconds and looked at its reflection in the window.

“I’m impressed.  You are truly an intelligent being.”

Sources say Claar returned to Bolingbrook near the end of the week and praised the work of “some” of his trustees.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police subdue river monster blocking Royce Road
Naperville approves ‘high-end’ blast shelters
Get well soon, Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/17

The Village of Bolingbrook spent $2 million on ‘enhanced Illuminati membership’ (Fiction)

Did the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees approve spending $2 million on an “Illuminati membership enhancement” during their September 26 meeting?  Sources say yes.

Sources say the bill, which was disguised as bills for the Pathways Parade and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, was actually to enhance the Village’s membership in the Illuminati.  According to one source, the enhancement frees the village from the obligation to build coded monuments to the Illuminati or to require new road construction for Illuminati symbols.

“(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is saving the village millions of dollars,” said one source.  “By spending this money now, we don’t have to spend millions down the road building statues or building new streets.  Roger is a smart man, who will help make the Illuminati great again.  Fnord!”

During the meeting, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who is affiliated with the New World Order, asked why the bills weren’t given to the trustees in advance or posted on the website.  After being told that he could have gone to the village Attorney’s office for copies of the bills, Jaskiewicz voted no.  He said he could not vote to pay any bills without reviewing the details, and noted that the Village Attorney said payment could wait until the next board meeting. His no vote ended a 10-year streak without a no vote on the board.

One source, who asked to be called Lee, criticized Jaskiewicz: “It’s not easy covering up payments to the Illuminati.  Roger had a bad week, and it took him longer than expected.  He should have stayed quiet and voted yes… especially if he knows what’s good for Bolingbrook.”

David K. Nowicki, an expert on the Illuminati, believes enhanced membership in the Illuminati is a waste of money:  “All you need to do is designate three points in a community and draw a triangle to connect them to meet the requirements. I can designate The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Clow Airport, and The Promenade Bolingbrook as points on the triangle. Once people see a triangle, then the power of Pareidolia kicks in, and they imagine more Illuminati symbols in Bolingbrook.  I could have saved Bolingbrook $2 million if Claar had just asked me.”

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by unofficial Bolingbrook spokesperson Charline Spencer: “The Illuminati died out in 1785.  Bob needs to resign for the good of Bolingbrook and let Roger pick the best person for the job.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Thank for your help at the last meeting.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said, “Sure thing coach!  In the football game of Bolingbrook politics, I will play any position you want me to.”

“I will remember that.”

“So, if I can ask, what are you going to do about the DACA residents in Bolingbrook?”

“Do I look like an immigration official?”

Also in the Babbler:

North Korean agents to kneel in front of the White House
Sources: International Humanist and Ethical Union banned from Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook witches vow to protect Bolingbrook football team
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/12/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s ‘Alt-right’ to host atheist convention (Fiction)

Content notice:  Depictions of the “Alt-Right” (Reminder: Fiction) 

Bolingbrook Beyond Belief. Summer 2019. "Atheism feels good, man!"

A proposed poster for the Bolingbrook Beyond Belief atheist convention.

The Bolingbrook Pepe the Frog Fan Club, a self-described “Alt-right group,” announced that they are organizing an atheist convention for the summer of 2018.

“We can’t hold rallies anymore because of the counter-protesters,” said Dennis, president of the club.  “We can, however, safely host an atheist convention.”

The convention, tentatively titled “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” is inspired by the controversial Mythinformation Conference.  Like Mythicon, “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” plans to feature predominately “Alt-right” speakers and have liberal “special guests” in the audience.

Alex, the group’s liaison to the Atheist Movement, says he strongly believes the “Alt-right” could be great allies:  “Look, we have much in common.  We both believe we’re smarter than average people.  We both believe that we’re being kept down by lesser people.  We both want to return to a glorious past.  We both hate feminists and Islamists.  We agree on 99 percent on the issues.  Why let a few minor issues, like the alleged humanity of non-whites, keep us apart?”

Dennis agreed:  “Love them or hate them, everyone knows that atheists are smart.  If we host an atheist convention, the public will realize that our ideas are worthy of intellectual consideration.  The atheist movement, in return, will get access to our army of trolls, funding from Mercer’s network of alt-right groups, and young men willing to march for atheism.  They’ll even leave the torches at home if asked to.   It’s a win-win for both of us!  The choice is simple.  Join us and other superior people as we try to peacefully cleanse the world, or let Skepticon define atheism.”

Alex pretended to gag when Skepticon was mentioned.

Dennis conceded that while many YouTube personalities have asked to speak at the convention, prominent atheist leaders have not agreed to speak at Bolingbrook Beyond Belief.

Alex felt that would change soon.  “We just sent an invitation to the most militant atheist in the country.  He says he represents all atheists, no matter what their other beliefs are.  So he has to come here.  When he does, other atheist thought leaders will come here.  It’s just—“

“(Expletive Deleted)!”

“What?”

“David Silverman, the president of American Atheists, just sent me an IM.  He says we’re evil, and sent me a link to his Facebook post.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  We only promote evil ironically, so that makes it OK.  Is he going to come?”

“No.  He says he leads the marines of atheism, and marines don’t support Nazis.  He also says that he’ll personally rewrite the dictionary to exclude us from being defined as atheists.”

“Damn it!.  Well, we can invite Dave Smalley instead.”

“Yes.  Maybe he’ll be out of his denial phase by the time the convention starts.”

An e-mail from the Bolingbrook Skeptics denounced Bolingbrook Beyond Belief:  “The Alt-right is just a rebranding of fascism.  No matter what you call it, fascism is un-awesome!”