By Reporter X
The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.
Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash: “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom. Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky. I thought maybe a firework hit a drone. Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”
Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard: “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day. My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual. I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater. At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side. It was one of ours.”
According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base. The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.
“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.
Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump. After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook. He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.
“This is the number 50,” said Claar.
“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.
“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”
“They’re killers. All of them.”
Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.
“This is the number zero.”
“I like paying zero taxes.”
“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”
“I sent you over a thousand! What happened to them?”
“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display. Why? We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”
“My generals said, ‘Sir! We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”
“I don’t care! Just send more troops. Your mistake set my plans back a month!”
“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me. I don’t make mistakes. I’m smart. Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”
“Yes. I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”
“That’s better. Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser. Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”
The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.
The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.
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