From time to time, we feature articles from our sister publications around the world. This article is from the Rochelle Reader in Rochelle, IL.
By Reporter X
During an IL06 Congressional debate broadcast across the solar system, Representative Peter Roskam advocated nuking Bolingbrook. He called for this in response to the recent uprising at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook:
“Nuke it from orbit,” said Roskam in front of his audience at Hub 35 UFO Base in Rochelle, IL. “It’s the only way to be sure.” He added that he saw the movie, The Thing. “When dealing with aliens, you have to be absolutely sure that you kill every one of them: Otherwise you end up with bad sequels.”
The audience, consisting of constituents who work either off-world or at UFO bases, gasped.
Sean Casten, Roskam’s Democratic opponent, dropped his jaw. After a few seconds of silence, he attacked Roskam: “You just seriously advocated for detonating a nuclear device in the middle of Chicagoland?”
“This is Sean being an extremist,” interrupted Roskam. “Sean is saying we shouldn’t use any nuclear weapons, and let our world be overrun by aliens. Now I’m sure some of my colleagues would argue for using a hydrogen bomb to destroy all of Chicago. Both sides are wrong. We should take the moderate position of using a small device and checking the wind patterns before setting it off. That will ensure that no real resident of the Illinois Sixth Congressional District is harmed. We need sensible solutions, and I’m the only candidate in this race that will provide them.”
“People will still be killed, and the fallout will leave many areas uninhabitable for generations. You’re in the middle of something, but I don’t think it’s the middle of the Overton Window.”
“Lighten up,” replied Roskam. “This is a science fiction convention. Everyone here knows that the best part of a science fiction film is when the hero creatively uses explosives to solve a problem. Also, as a Congressman, you don’t think about other districts. You only think about the interests of the ideal voter in your district.”
Casten then accused Roskam of having a “deliberate ignorance” about the existence of UFOs, and of current federal interstellar policy: “Peter, you know that as a member of Congress, you can attend the weekly UFO briefing. Yet you have never attended any briefings.”
“They occur during the meeting of the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending.”
“I can’t make those meetings. That’s when I spend quality time alone with my maps.”
During the closing arguments, Casten stated that he didn’t agree with the takeover of Clow UFO Base, but did agree with the protesters that the US needs to change its immigration policies. “I have a seven-point plan to reform immigration, and I will vote for the DREAM Act because the DACA recipients in our district are hard working and deserve a path to citizenship.”
Roskam then made science fiction, and fantasy comments during his closing statement: “Like Jedi Spock Frodo said, ‘I am the last best hope for peace with Panem.’ The real residents know that I will bring Soylent Green to our district. A congressman has a name, and it is Peter Roskam!” He then laughed.
Joel, a resident of this district who works on Venus, said he was still undecided: “On the one hand, Peter Roskam removed SALT— which means I can’t deduct the taxes I paid on Venus-which may mean I can’t afford to work off-world. Do you know how expensive air conditioning is on Venus? On the other hand, Sean did say that Peter shouldn’t be our congressman, which is kind of uncivil. It’s a hard choice to make. Sean is a scientist, a businessperson, and a former Clow employee. Peter is Peter. What can I say?”
Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement after the debate: “Bolingbrook is in no danger because the Bolingbrook First party donated $1000 to Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. He’s just saying what he needs to say to get elected. We’re sure that once he is reelected, he will vote the way his donors want him to vote.”
Also in the Babbler:
Russian bots attack Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Aliens release immigrant children from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook United says it will only run human candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/18