By Reporter X
Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.
“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.” Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.
Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.
Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed: “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences. We have no control over the occupation. That’s why we’re staying in our homes. Now we have to leave. Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless? Death!”
Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar: “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives. Everything he said was untrue! I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”
Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:
“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year. “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook. That’s not possible now. We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO. Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump. Now, look where we are.”
A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.
In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”
“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.
“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”
“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”
“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”
“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar. “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”
“It’s an alternative persona. I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships. Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet. ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”
“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.
“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts. “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”
“I got this, Sheldon.”
A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”
“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers. I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”
“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”
“Huh? Oh yeah. That’s analog thinking. I like it.”
“I guess that’s a compliment. Anyway, they bought it?”
“That’s impressive. You’re still on my side, right?”
“Absolutely. I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”
“That’s good. As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you. I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”
Also in the Babbler:
Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18