Bolingbrook Snow Command clashes with Russian operatives (Fiction)

Did Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta have a Zoom meeting with President Vladimir Putin? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

While the world anxiously wonders if Russian President Vladimir Putin will invade Ukraine, Russian covert operatives clashed with Bolingbrook’s Snow Command last week.

According to anonymous Snow Command employees, Russian operatives attempted to hamper snow removal efforts. They also recorded propaganda videos accusing Snow Command of committing “atrocities.” 

Peter, who asked that we not use his real name, claims operatives filmed a propaganda video while he was plowing a side street. After his plow destroyed a mailbox, he claims three men rushed out from behind a snowbank. One man lay down on the ground and placed a piece of debris over his abdomen. The second man poured ketchup on the first man. Then the third man started filming. Peter stopped and reversed his plow.

“I was just going to tell them there was no need to be so dramatic,” said Peter. “They just need to file a claim with the village. But I heard the guy with the camera speaking in Russian. He accused me of deliberately hurting the guy on the ground. When I yelled at them, the guy pretending to provide first aid covered his ears and fell down. The camera guy shook his camera and yelled, ‘Sonic attack” in Russian. When I drove off, I saw all three of them in my rearview mirror running away.”

Annette, who asked that we didn’t use her last name, also witnessed Russian operatives recording in her neighborhood:

“After the snowplow made a snow pile in front of my driveway, these three guys dressed in black started digging into it. I thought they were being nice until one of them laid down in the hole they made. Another man pretended to dig that guy out, while the camera guy accused the plow driver of burying a Russian immigrant. He also accused the driver of being Ukrainian. So I told them that if they cleaned my driveway after filming their video, I wouldn’t call the FBI on them. They may have been filming propaganda to justify a horrific war, but they did a great job cleaning my driveway!”

Lou, a snowplow driver for Snow Command, claims Russian operatives tried to disrupt his route. According to Lou, he claims a pickup truck pulled in front of him and skidded to a stop:

“I barely stopped before hitting the pickup truck. I leaned out the window and yelled, ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ Then I noticed a cameraman in the truck’s bed. He thanked me for the dramatic footage and for saying something they can twist. Then he drove off. I have a bad feeling that I’m going to be featured in a Russian false flag operation. Please let your readers know I don’t hate all people. I just hate people who don’t know how to drive near a snowplow.”

According to sources within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta responded with a Zoom call to Putin. They also provided a partial transcript:

Alexander-Basta: As a global woman of excellence, I insist you stop harassing Snow Command. Leave us out of your propaganda!

Putin: Could you speak up?

Alexander-Basta: Could you move closer to the speaker? I’m on Zoom. There’s no need for you to sit at your long table.

Putin: (Speaks in Russian)

Translator: It is Russian tradition not to sit close to anyone who refuses to provide a DNA sample.

Alexander-Basta: I doubt that.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a woman held up a cutout of Alexander-Basta to her face and approached Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Woman: (Imitating Alexander-Basta’s voice): I’m inviting my supporters over to your house for a ‘Legitimate Political Discourse.’ What do you have to say?

Watts: I’m kind of busy right now, Charlene.

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer: Sorry, the word we were looking for was “No.”

Watts: What?

Spencer: You’ve been voting with Mayor Mary too often. If you don’t find a way to distinguish yourself from the Something Bolingbrook Something First Something Party, you’re not going to be reelected… Unless you’re planning on begging for (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) forgiveness!

Watts: Charlene, I’ve told you before, it’s too early to think about the 2023 election. I will not oppose Mayor Basta’s platform for purely political reasons.

Spencer: Not to stop her from appointing trustees?

Watts: Charlene. I like Trustee Jean Kelly. She’s had more years of community service work than you.

Charlene: You’ll be back to community service work if you don’t start voting no. Think about it from a voter’s perspective. “Wow. Mayor Mary is always right. She says I should vote for these three candidates. Sheldon says we should reelect him, but Mayor Mary says we shouldn’t. There’s no difference between her candidates and Sheldon. Why should I stop trusting her now?”

Watts: Some days you really get on my nerves.

Charlene: Fine. You can vote with her all you like then. I’ll have my new bots tell a different story in Bolingbrook Politics.

Watts: No!

Charlene: I knew that word was in your vocabulary.

Also in the Babbler:

UFO traffic diverted from Ukraine to Clow UFO Base
Editorial: Overfunding the police won’t fix crime
Palatine Township: No aid for shapeshifters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Red Deer Reporter: Government covers up approaching Zombie Trucker Convoy (Fiction)

A zombie trucker taking a break from driving towards Red Deer.

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler partners with three sister publications around the world to bring you the unbelievable truth. This article is from The Red Deer Reporter, based in Alberta, Canada.

Despite eyewitness reports (and psychics’ apocalyptic visions), Red Deer officials deny that a truck convoy driven by zombies is approaching the city.

“That’s ridiculous!” said a city official who demanded they not be named. “Let me guess. They’re pro-vaccine zombies. Right?”

The eyewitnesses agree that not only are the zombies pro-vaccine, but they intend to occupy downtown Red Deer until residents “stop whining” about Covid restrictions.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, says he spoke with them at a truck stop:

“While everyone else was acting like violent cowardly Americans, I just walked up to their leader and said: ‘Excuse me, but you seem to be lost and have wandered into the land of the living. I can direct you to a graveyard where you might be able to find your way back to the afterlife.’ The leader asked if I was vaccinated, and I said yes. Three shots. The leader said I was smart, and warned me not to die any time soon. For a rotting corpse, it was quite friendly.”

Simone, a feisty woman who threatened this reporter when asked for her last name, claims she tried to fight off the zombies:

“I thought they were part of the Wexit—I mean anti-vaccine mandate truckers. When I saw they were monsters, I started shooting their heads. This didn’t stop them. They said I was acting like an American. I asked how did I … I don’t talk to the fake press!”

Simone added that one zombie described her death due to covid. “When she showed me what was left of her thin blue line tattoo, I knew she was telling the truth. I guess Trump is right, and we should all take his vaccine.”

According to other witnesses, the zombies claim that they are trying to save the European Canadian Afterlife. That afterlife, according to the zombies, is overpopulated, and the First Nations Afterlife refuses to accept refugees. The zombies warn that if Canada loosens its COVID  policies, spirits will resort to “cannibalizing spirit energy” to create space.

“If you want to have a long afterlife,” said Peter, “Get vaccinated now! The zombies taught me that being free shouldn’t mean being dumb too.”

Tonya Z. Alexander, the spokeswoman for the Red Deer Skeptics, doubts the existence of the zombie convoy:

“Things are so bad that there is no joy in debunking the Reporter. Even Steven Pinker’s unfounded optimism cannot raise my spirits. I’m now reading Impossible Me, Pervert Justice, and Reprobate Spreadsheet. These are truly dark times. for Canada.”

A receptionist for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he was still recovering from Covid and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trudeau said, “So, what do the Mounted Police need to do to break the siege of Ottawa?”

Another man answered, “How much money is in the treasury?”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Sources: Aliens truck drivers covering for Freedom Convoy drivers
Covid positive deer refuse masks
Jeff Bezos demands a discounted price for Canada
God to smite the rest of Canada on 10/2/2022

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Podish-Sortacast for Saturday: The future of blogging (Non-fiction)

This Saturday’s Podish-Sortacast is about the future of blogging. I recorded a clip since I’ll be busy this weekend. Basically, I think social media replaced diary-style blogs, but blogs that focus on certain subjects, and blog networks with a theme are doing fine. Many popular how-to articles are blog posts. I’ve lost count of how many articles I’ve read urging self-publishers to start a blog. Many local businesses have blogs to encourage their customers to return to their sites.

While the Internet keeps evolving, I expect blogs to keep evolving with it for the foreseeable future.

The new blurb for The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

The truth is unbelievable. The deception is destructive. Can Tom find the right path before it’s too late?

My debut novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is still on track to be released this year. Just needs a bit more editing before it’s ready for wide release.

In the meantime, here’s the new blurb:

Tom Larsen grew up believing in stories from the Bolingbrook Babbler newspaper: of UFOs, half-human weredeer, and of vampire gangs that roamed the streets at night. Then one day his parents told him the truth—the stories were all a lie.

Fresh out of college, Tom built a reputation as a blogger of the scientific skepticism movement, debunking the reports of paranormal events in his hometown. However, after famous podcast host Jamie Kyle posted a video about how Tom’s attempts to “hook up” with her at a skeptic’s conference made her feel uncomfortable, the blogger was furious.

Now, in his mid-twenties and still angry about his humiliation, Tom has made a career from defending the skeptical movement against “modern feminists”, including Humanist Heart, a group of social justice skeptics. And, when he hears that his hometown of Bolingbrook will host Humanist Heart’s congress, and Jamie will be their guest, Tom hatches a plan to confront the podcaster.

The only problem is that he must work for the Bolingbrook Babbler to gain access to the congress, and risk ruining his skeptic reputation. But an attack by a weredeer while working on his first assignment for the Babbler leaves Tom’s beliefs in pieces. The monsters, the UFOs, everything he tried to debunk—are all real!

Now, there are angry Men’s Rights Activists trying to disrupt the congress, weredeer have surrounded the area, and mysterious time rifts appearing throughout the village. Only Jamie and the Babbler can help Tom fix this, but will he be able to get past his anger and distrust before reaching the point of no return?

Coming soon. Subscribers to my newsletter will be the first to know about the release date.

Russians Interceptors attack craft over Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.

“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III.  This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”

According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force.  The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked.  The crew attempted to flee.

Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”

Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)

Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.

Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.

Watts: Campaign books?

Spencer: Yeah.  We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.

Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?

Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.

Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.

Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.

Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?

Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.

Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?

Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category.  You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.

Also in the Babbler:

Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Another way to get a free copy of ‘Pathways to Bolingbrook’ (Non-fiction)

I’m still working on the redlines for my novel, The Rift, which is still on track for release this year. On Tuesday, I’ll debut a new blurb for it.

In the meantime, my free eBook, Pathways to Bolingbrook, is part of two Prolific Works giveaways. It’s two short stories set in the same universe as The Rift.

Fantasy Reads

Leviathan Wakes

You can download my book, along with several other free Sci-Fi and Fantasy books. eBooks

Wereskunks outraged as village board prepares to end Bolingbrook’s garbage toter ban (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are outraged that a proposed garbage collection contract will allow residents to rent garbage toters.

Liz, Bolingbrook Priestess of Paper, said: “Even thinking about allowing toters is sacrilegious!(Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) promised the Easter Skunk sanctuary for all of Chicagoland’s skunks. Our cousins risked their lives during the Great Scampering for the promise of free garbage. Bolingbrook cannot break this divine promise.”

Liz hopes the board can be persuaded to change the contract. She stated: “We’re going to tell voters that toters are not free, therefore they are a threat to freedom. This should mobilize enough voters to intimidate the board.”

Pog, leader of the werekunk’s Defender Caste, said the wereskunks will cause “bad trouble” if Bolingbrook ends its toter ban: “Our cousins depend on unlimited access to Bolingbrook’s garbage. Many will starve if the buffet is closed! We cannot allow this to stand.”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released a statement stating the Village is prepared to deal with any disruptions. It said: “We have ample supplies of de-skunk solution. We have access to spray-proof suits and respirators. We hope they will not be needed. It is in the wereskunk’s best interests to continue to support the First Party for Bolingbrook.

Pog said they will not be intimidated into silence: “When most of us endorsed Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, we thought we were supporting the female version of Roger. Instead, we got a clone of (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere)!”

Alexander-Basta denied being a clone of Traynere: “Look, the residents want the option to rent garbage toters, and we’re giving it to them. Otherwise, I would have to spend the next seven years listening to toter supporters’ complaints. Would you want that?”

Claar then broke into the Zoom session and said: “I let you win one election and you brought drugs and toters to my village.”

“Your screen is frozen, Roger.”

“I’m not falling for that again. You’re bringing those ugly things into my village. Chicago has toters. Do you want to turn Bolingbrook into Chicago?”

“Of course not. I just don’t think it’s the role of the government to ban toters. Home Owners Associations can do a better job of banning them. You don’t want big government in Bolingbrook, do you?”

“I hope you’re right.” 

Claar left the session.

“That should give me about a week of peace and quiet.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow officials question UFO crews that flew over the Buccaneers’ playoff game
All of Clow UFO Base’s union members are vaccinated
Mayor Alexander-Basta considers using expensive wallpaper in her private bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/27/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

MLK’s last speech (Non-fiction)

I’m clearing out the redlines for my novel, The Rift, this week. So in honor of Martin Luther King Day, I’m posting his last speech, delivered on April 3, 1968. He was speaking to support striking sanitation workers in Memphis, TN. He was assassinated the next day.

We have made progress since then, but we’ve also been backsliding. Especially with the gutting of the Voting Rights Act. Honestly, I’m not optimistic that the Senate will pass the John Lewis Voting Rights act, but I would love to be wrong. Arc of history doesn’t bend by itself. It has to be bent by us, and we have to deal with the people trying to unbend it.

The first review for The Rift’s book cover! (Non-Fiction)

In between editing my upcoming novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, and learning about self-publishing, I submitted my eBook cover to Reedsy’s blog for a live cover critique. (Reedsy is basically a high-end site to hire contractors for publishing projects. You can hire people who used to work at the publishing houses, but you’ll pay for it.)

When I heard that over 600 people submitted their covers, I didn’t expect mine to be picked. So I was pleasantly surprised when they mentioned my book. The slide had the wrong author’s name, and I provided a short blurb. Other than that, I’m thrilled that the host and Caitlin B. Alexander, illustrator, liked it.

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming soon. Cover designed by Astre Encre Covers.