Every year, we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to write a response to the mayor’s annual State of the Village Address. This year, the Roger Claar Party, the Chat GPT Party, the Bolingbrook Woke Party, and the Satanic Voices of Bolingbrook Party accepted our invitation.
The Roger Claar Party
Only Roger can save us!
Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with former Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.
Outrageous! For nearly three years, the rightful Mayor of Bolingbrook has been kept out of power by the insidious collusion between the First Party and the covert Bolingbrook United party. It’s no coincidence that the anti-Roger nominated Bolingbrook’s ruler!
What has happened in the three years since Roger’s so-called resignation? Garbage toters now line our streets. A cannabis store in our village! The forced remodeling of Bolingbrook Commons! Roger exiled in California! Our beloved village is now a dystopia!
It’s time to elect a political party that will return Roger to his rightful place. It’s time for a party to appoint Roger to be Bolingbrook’s Mayor for Life! It’s time to end the rule of the Me First/Roger Never Party!
Vote for the Roger Claar Party. Because a great mayor deserves a great party!
The ChatGPT Party
The only party programed to lead Bolingbrook!
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta wasted several hours describing the state of the village. ChatGPT summed it up in one paragraph:
“Wow Bolingbrook, you’re really living up to your motto of ‘A Place to Grow’! With all the progress you’re making, you’re sure to reach the sky in no time! Can’t wait to see what’s in store for 2023 and beyond… Maybe even flying cars? Who knows! 🚀🌟”
The First Party thinks adding a stupid chatbot to the village’s web page is cutting edge technology. They lack the courage to let ChatGPT take the wheel! Can we trust any member of the First Party to type in the right prompts? Will we get left behind when the singularity arrives? Do we really want Naperville to beat us in the AI municipality arms race?
Some people say that AI is unethical and copyright theft. Maybe, but anyone who reads a Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group knows that humans aren’t qualified to run to the bathroom, let alone guide our village to greatness.
Honestly, could the First Party write a conclusion like this?
“Together, let’s shape the future of Bolingbrook and build a community that is not just smart and efficient, but also joyful and inclusive for all.”
The Woke Party
Be Woke or be broke!
Downstate politicians spread fear about “wokeness” to cover up their regressive agenda. We can laugh at their fear of drag performers and books that acknowledge slavery.
However, we cannot ignore the threat they pose to Bolingbrook. A functional, diverse community like Bolingbrook undermines their white supremacist argument. They will do everything to undermine our community. They need Bolingbrook to fail so they can succeed in subjecting every non-billionaire Illinois resident.
The opponents of Bolingbrook claim to support freedom, but they really want to cram everyone into neat, well-defined boxes. The true supporters of Bolingbrook don’t want to imprison its residents inside boxes. We want residents to have the freedom to express their true identity. Whether you like to play dress-up before reading to children, or want to wear clothes that reflect your true gender identity, that’s your choice. That’s true freedom.
The First Party likes to talk about Bolingbrook’s diversity. We’re the party that will defend every resident. Because Bolingbrook can’t afford to be broke.
The Satanic Voices of Bolingbrook Party
Bolingbrook has many faiths, but only one faith is consistently marginalized: the supporters of Satan. We want to change that!
We’re not atheists pretending to be Satanists. Instead, we’re residents who have put our faith in the Light Bearer! We aren’t evil. We’re just like you. We volunteer to serve the community. We’re hard working. And we vote.
Yet we’re treated like any other faith group. We don’t have our own local temple. A Satanist has never been named Citizen of the Year. We’ve never had an out Satanist on any village boards.
We want to change that by enlightening Bolingbrook. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a village trustee who didn’t praise God? Are you sick of Christians hogging all the community spotlight events? Wouldn’t it be fun to have a Heavy Metal festival as well as a Gospel music event?
God is overrepresented on the Village Board. It’s time to add Lucifer’s voice to the Village Board meetings.
Also in the Babbler:
Village of Bolingbrook returns “friendship balloon” to Xuchang City
Sources: Mayor Alexander-Basta to launch Kickstarter to pay off the village’s debt
Could the green comet signify God’s endorsement of Trustee Sheldon Watts’ reelection?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/8/23
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.
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