(Web Exclusive) Bolingbrook Trustee candidates face off at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The trustee candidates for the Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party and the First Party for Bolingbrook filled Clow UFO Base with their positively charged energy. 

The First Party for Bolingbrook candidates started by pointing out they’ve been the incumbent party for decades:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?” asked FPFB trustee Michael Carpanzano. “You’re welcome!”

Trustee Jean Kelly touted her appointment to the village board. “(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) could have appointed any one of the thousands of content residents within our village. She chose me.” Kelly looked in Trustee and BIV candidate Sheldon Watts. “Every trustee voted to accept my appointment.” She then faced the audience of Clow UFO Base employees. “You should too.”

FPFB candidate Jose Quintero voiced his support for his party’s platform. “I’m in the hospitality business. That means I have to communicate with kindness to provide quality service. Communication. Kindness. Quality. Hey! That just happens to be our slogan!”

Watts, a former member of the First Party for Bolingbrook, quoted a First Party tweet from 2019: “‘He is described as a heartfelt listener, results-oriented professional, & a dedicated leader focused on making a difference.’ I’m also the person (Former Mayor Roger Claar) appointed to the village board twice. So if you like Bolingbrook, thank me, because I have more seniority than all the other candidates combined.”

BIV candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak cited his work as the author of a self-help book and two children’s books, and his work as a mental health counselor. He also mentioned that he’s a regular visitor to Clow UFO Base: “Thanks to our visitors, I can make the daily commute between my university jobs in Canada and my home in Bolingbrook. I listen to our visitors everyday. I want to help make Clow a better base. Starting with fixing airlock BR13. Is it me, or is that airlock always breaking down?”

The candidates had similar policy positions regarding Clow UFO Base and interstellar relations. Watts promised to involve the residents and visitors in the management of Clow, but didn’t offer specifics. Carpanzano insisted the FPFB loved Bolingbrook.

“We are the only party that loves Bolingbrook. That’s why we’ve been serving Bolingbrook since the 1980s. We don’t hang out in those social media forums.”

“But you post in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group,” replied Watts.

“I post there, but I don’t hang out there. Big difference. If you loved Bolingbrook as much as I do, you would understand.”

“You know,” said Glowiak. “People can become addicted to love, which leads to self-destructive behavior that can also endanger the object of your affection.”

“Don’t make me carp you!” Carpanzano warned Glowiak.

The only tense moment in the debate occurred when a reporter questioned Carpanzano about the First Party’s candidate selection process.

“Let me get this straight,” said Glopz, a reporter for the Intergalactic Times. “In 2019, Sheldon Watts was on the First Party slate and you said it was, and I quote, ‘Because We Care.’ Which, oddly enough, starts with the initials of each trustee candidates last name.”

“Funny how that worked out,” Carpanzano replied.

“Funny how it works out in each election. Anyway, in 2021, Trustee Watts formed the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and ran for mayor.”

Carpanzano coughed and made a sound similar to the word, “Traitor.” 

Glopz continued: “During the campaign, the First Party’s Instagram page included this statement. ‘(We) are the ONLY TEAM in this upcoming election to have full support, trust, and endorsement from our local public safety professionals(…)” Implying that that the BIV and Bolingbrook United teams couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s public safety.”

“What’s the question?” Carpanzano asked.

“I have three questions. First, why did the First Party knowingly run a candidate in 2019 that couldn’t be trusted to keep Bolingbrook safe. Second, why is Jose Quintero on your slate this year when he couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s safety in the last election? Third, does this mean the First Party makes exaggerated claims about its opponents, or does it mean that the First Party’s candidate selection process is flawed?”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp from his jacket pocket, then held it in Glopz’s direction. When Glopz started talking, Carpanzano said, “Notice how his speech hole is vibrating, but he’s not saying anything.”

“I am talking!”

“Blissful silence.”

After the debate, both parties’ surrogates tried to spin the interstellar media’s coverage. 

“I’m proud of Sheldon,” said former trustee Robert Jaskiewicz. “It takes courage to leave the First Party and to resist the urge to flee to Florida. Dr. Glowiak also proved he’s the man to deprogram the remaining First Party members.”

Alexander-Basta was pleased with her party’s performance. “Tonight, our slate demonstrated the clear choice in this election. Do the residents want to elect trustees who will waste my time before voting for my agenda, or do they want to elect trustees who will vote for my agenda without objection so we can adjourn early?”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books. 

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