Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)

Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17

Web Exclusive: Psychic frightened by vision of Bolingbrook in 2065 (Fiction)

Long time Bolingbrook psychic Mona was so frightened after her vision of the future, that her screams prompted neighbors to call the police.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The future is doomed!  Bolingbrook is doomed!  We are doomed!” – Mona said, according to residents.

Officers managed to calm her down and did not arrest her.

Afterwards, Mona spoke and  provided a transcript of her vision to the Babbler.  She claims her vision was from a Village Board Meeting in the year 2065:

A priest, holding a water bottle, enters the board room.  The all male audience members stand.

Priest:  Let us praise our Mayor in Heaven

Audience (Raise their hands):  For he built our infrastructure, banished the flood waters, purged the warlords, guided our ancestors through the great chaos, then ascended to Heaven.  He has always has been and always will be our mayor.

Priest:  Be seated.

The audience sits down.

Priest: Before ascending to Heaven, our Mayor in Heaven appointed the Keepers of the Water to be his voice on Earth.  Every four years, our Mayor in Heaven selects a Vice-mayor to administer his Earthy affairs.  Today, Our Mayor in Heaven has selected George Brown to be his Vice-mayor.  Come forth, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown steps forward, and the priest puts a golden mask on him.  The mask vaguely resembles current Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

Priest:  You will now be known as the Vice-Mayor.

Brown:  I serve at the pleasure of our Mayor in Heaven.

Brown sits in a chair next to a large chair that hasn’t been used for decades.  

Brown:  My trustees will take their seats.

Five men wearing black robes walk on stage and go to their seats.

Brown:  By serving as my trustees, you agree to accept a vow of silence for the next four years.  Any who speak during the next four years will be known as a Jask.

Audience:  The Jask was the servant of the she-devils who tried to dethrone Our Mayor in Heaven.  The she-devils fooled the residents into voting for them.  Voting is evil.  Women are evil.  Evil is not allowed in Village Hall.

The trustees take their seats.

Brown: Some residents bought illegal trash toters to collect rainwater.  This has angered our Mayor in Heaven.  He has denied us — has denied us rain.   He has taken water from our wells.  He has turned our lawns brown as punishment.  So I turn to the Keepers for guidance. What must we do to regain Our Mayor In Heaven’s love?

Priest:  The She-devils’ minions want us to believe in global warming.  They lie to us about Bolingbrook becoming a desert.  We must resist their lies.  The demons are hoarding Lake Michigan water.  Our Mayor in Heaven has told me of a clear path to salvation.  First, we must launch another crusade to liberate Lake Michigan’s water from the demons.  Then we must expand the Golf Club to show Him that we still love him.

Audience:  We will fight!

A woman runs towards a podium.

Woman:  Lies!  All lies.  There never was a Mayor in Heaven.  Bolingbrook had more than one mayor in its past!

Priest:  Wicked liar.  Donate to the Holy Campaign fund, and I may absolve you of your sins.

Woman:  The last elected mayor was Roger C. Claar.  He led us into the great chaos by supporting President Donald Trump.  There were never any Keepers of the Water.  There was an organization called Heart Haven Outreach, and it was founded by a woman!

Audience gasps.

Brown:  You’re are in denial of the truth.  It requires more faith to believe that Bolingbrook was founded by mortals than to believe in our Mayor in Heaven.  It is also insanity to think that a woman could have founded our faith.

Security guards approached the woman.

Woman:  It is true.  We must embrace real truth again if we are to survive the great drought.  Join the resistance!  Let us become a United Bolingbrook once again!  Science forever, not religion!

The woman runs out to the boardroom.  Guards follow.

Priest:  Our raiders will catch her, and purify her in the bathtub of faith.  May she no longer be at risk of becoming a she-devil.  Let us now have a moment of silence, for the millions who died for the chaos frog.

Mona said that her vision did not have to become reality:  “If we want to see another mayoral election, we have to get rid of Trump.  Roger is a good man, but I don’t want a future where residents are forced to worship him!”

When this reporter called Village Hall for a comment, a receptionist replied that Claar was busy interviewing an intern and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charline, you are a very unusual woman, but you have your uses.  Now I can’t offer you a job here, but Barber’s Corner Media has a job waiting for you.”

“Cool!  Thank you, Roger.”

“You’re welcome.  Once you’ve been hired, I will provide you with assignments.  You’ll be our unofficial spokesperson.  I hope you don’t mind dealing with the Babbler every week day.”

“Not at all.  Thank you.  How did you persuade Barber’s Corner Media to hire me?”

“Back in the 90s, the firm’s owner recorded a song about my favorite street.  You can stream it on your phone.”

“Let me listen.  Oh my God!  It’s obscene!”

“Yes, that was my initial reaction.  When I confronted him, he apologized and offered to help me any way he could.  That song turned into a birthday party with infinite gifts!”

From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Mayor Claar defies Trustee Jaskiewicz by holding his breath (Fiction)

Sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is unharmed after repeatedly holding his breath in defiance of opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

According to sources, the conflict started while Claar and Jaskiewicz were arguing in Claar’s office.  The sources agree that Jaskiewicz challenged Claar:

“You always disagree with everything I say and propose.  I’ll bet if I told you to breathe for the rest of your life, you would hold your breath.”

One anonymous source said she saw Jaskiewicz running out of Claar’s office.

“He said, ‘Roger is turning blue!’  I ran inside, and I saw Roger taking two deep breaths.  Then he said, ‘(Expletive deleted) Jaskiewicz!’ Roger started holding his breath again.”

All the sources agree that Claar’s attempts not to breathe continued for about an hour.  Paramedics and a crisis counselor could not persuade him to breathe normally.

“If I do what he says, (Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere) will win.  I can’t let that happen!  (Expletive deleted)!  You’re tricking me into breathing!”

Finally, sources say Claar answered a phone call from an unidentified family member.  Claar listened for a few seconds, and then his face turned red before he replied:

“You don’t tell me what to do, young lady, I will vote for whomever I want, I will raise funds for whomever I want, and I will breathe whenever I want!  I’m breathing right now, and you can’t stop me!”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, slammed the headset back into the phone base, then ordered everyone out of his office.  After Village Hall closed, witnesses say Claar was breathing normally and said he was going home. Claar also made unprintable comments about the Bolingbrook United party.

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz released the following statement:

“This incident did not happen, but we are disappointed by Claar’s continued efforts to obstruct Bob. It is outrageous that Roger expects blind loyalty.  He started his political career as an opposition trustee against two mayors.  Bob won his seat not just because of karma, but because thousands of Bolingbrook residents don’t like the direction Bolingbrook is headed.  Roger needs to put Bolingbrook first, instead of his ego.”

Charlene, the village’s public relations intern, released the following statement:  “This incident didn’t happen, but it illustrates the divisiveness that certain elements want to bring to Bolingbrook.  Residents must reject these efforts.  All residents should unite behind Mayor Roger Claar because Bolingbrook became a great community under his rule. Now is not the time to experiment with bipartisan conflict.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens promise to cloak their ships during the eclipse
New World Order vows to retake Clow UFO Base ‘by any means necessary’
Bolingbrook IT Commission denies it has created an artificial intelligence
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/23/17 

Web Exclusive: Were-skunk escorted from Village Board Meeting (Fiction)

Bolingbrook police officers peacefully escorted a were-skunk from the 8/15/17 Village Board meeting. Mayor Roger Claar ordered the male were-skunk removed because he feared that he would spray the room.

“Our procedures for cryptid mammal removal worked,” said Officer Jill.  “Roger first sent a text message to the BCT control booth to end the live broadcast.  Then he signaled us to move in.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz distracted the audience with a long speech while we asked the cryptid to follow us.  I’m sure Robert is going to be mad that BCT didn’t televise his entire speech, but he did help us, which we appreciate.”

The alleged were-skunk, who asked to be called Sid, denied that he had any hostile intentions.  He claims that he was there to support Claar:

Image from toter.com

“We heard a rumor that (Roger) was going to discuss a proposal to provide trash toters to all residents.  All because some residents don’t like my cousins eating their garbage.  I also heard that Roger was going to imply that requiring trash toters is a bad Democrat Party idea.  So I wanted to be there to support him.”

Sid added that Were-Skunks, like most omnivores, prefer a variety of foods, besides grubs:

“My cousins love Bolingbrook because sometimes residents will put their garbage on the curb the night before trash pickup.  My braver cousins like to stay up late and open up trash bags after the residents go to work.  Toters make it very hard to get at the tasty food.  It’s so hard for my Chicago cousins because they have to deal with the city’s toters.  Bolingbrook is like a skunk paradise.  We’re not going to let Bolingbrook United take away our free buffet!”

After being removed, Sid said he was disappointed in Roger.  “Roger said nothing when his assistant said he was hoping for a cold winter so my cousins would die.  That was so insensitive!  All we do is eat the food your voters throw out.  Sure we spray, but only in self-defense.  We can live together, and you can learn so much from us.  Just stop acting like Naperville residents!”

Charline Z. Spencer, the public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that a were-skunk was at the village board meeting.

“Where do you get these stories?  The truth is the viewers on BCT suffered through an extra long meeting.  Roger felt that if he kept broadcasting Robert’s speech, there was a risk of viewers dying of boredom.  That’s why we had to de-platform Robert and replace him with a video of an 80s cover band.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Why can’t we redefine residents as anyone who lives within Bolingbrook’s boundaries who supports me?”

A man replied, “Because the state—”

“(Expletive deleted) the state government!”

Update 8/17/17: Bolingbrook Community Television sent us the following statement:

We schedule a certain amount of airtime for the Board meetings. Normally it was for 2 hours. The meeting went over by quite a bit… We have to login remotely to change the time.  We did it twice. But we didn’t get in time for the third time.
For that, we apologize. But it was only trustee comments that got cut.

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello.  I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump.  My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.”  Claar then turned towards the camera.  “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes.  It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti.  “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting.  Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed.  Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work.  “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter.  You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them?  Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook.  They refused me access to my hanger.  They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives.  I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal.  No big deal?  I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal.  The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct.  Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over.  In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport.  We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast.  Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived.  Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters.  Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives.  According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast.  Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park.  It will become a profitable tourist attraction.  Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less.  I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again.  Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Sources: Bolingbrook to enact ‘Amazon Tax’ (Fiction)

Will Bolingbrook impose a 100% tax on online purchases?  Sources with relatives close to village government officials say yes.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“Amazon is attacking our local businesses and printing fake news about our President,” said one source.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) isn’t going to take it anymore.”

These sources agree that the so-called Amazon Tax will be voted on during a September meeting of the Village Board.  The 100% tax will be imposed only on retailers who do not have a brick-and-mortar presence in Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook police officers will be allowed collect the tax if they catch any resident receiving merchandise bought from an online retailer.  The tax is expected to hit Amazon, eBay, and Etsy the hardest.  Residents can avoid the tax if they purchase a $100 annual subscription to bolingbrook.com.

“Some people will call this protectionism,” said another source.  “We prefer to think of it as Roger delivering on one of Trump’s promises.  Trump promised to protect American businesses.  Bolingbrook is part of America.  So by protecting our village’s businesses, we’re protecting America’s businesses.  You could say that Roger is making America great again.  Roger is great, but he’s too modest to be our President.”

Blake, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, praised the proposed tax.  “This tax will generate needed revenue for the village and help all of our members.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wanted to spend money on an economic development office.  We’re going to make money off this tax instead.”

Joan Z. Phillips, the owner of an Etsy shop in Naperville, opposes the tax.  “Some of my best customers are in Bolingbrook.  I’ll lose them if this tax is passed.  We’re not a major corporation threatening Bolingbrook’s businesses.  We’re a small business trying to earn a living off the Internet.  If this tax succeeds in Bolingbrook, the idea will spread, and we’ll be ruined. Besides, Claar is a Republican. Since when do Republicans propose new taxes?”

Amazon sent an unsigned e-mail stating that they are not worried about the tax:

“All we have to do is open a Whole Foods store in Bolingbrook, and we will be exempt from the tax.  There is a reason we bought Whole Paycheck besides our desire to sell overpriced groceries over the Internet.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not comment on the existence of the tax.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, we now have a sister city in Pakistan.  This will improve my relations with the local Muslim community and undermine Bolingbrook United’s political base.  Do you understand your role in this?”

“It’s pivot time, Roger.  I took dance classes, so I’m good at pivoting.  In fact, let me read my new press release to you.  ‘Bolingbrook celebrates Sialkot’s liberation from the oppression of unrestrained democracy.  Sialkot will now prosper under a new national government properly balanced between its civilian and military branches.  It is also our wish that someday our police department will be allowed to have a greater say in who governs Bolingbrook.’  What do you think?  We do have to support our older siblings, of course.”

“I’m all too familiar with that.  However, I think I need to explain the concept of sister cities to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar apologizes after Trump calls Martian Colonists stupid
Pterodactyl spotted over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook police arrest Denisovan man for prostitution
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/3/17

Mayor Claar tries to replace Trustee Jaskiewicz with an android (Fiction)

Did Mayor Roger Claar offer to replace Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz with an android?  Some sources say yes.

 

“Sure we’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Roger’s robots,’” said one of the sources.  “But I never thought they were real until now.”

The sources agree that Claar was upset after Jaskiewicz gave a speech criticizing Claar for refusing to put two items on the meeting agenda.  After the meeting had adjourned, Claar brought Jaskiewicz into his office.  Most of the sources said that Claar talked about the rumors that his trustees are androids.

According to the sources, Claar said the following:

“You know residents have called my trustees robots, and the Babbler has reported on my android factory.  They’re not telling the whole truth.  All of them are humans.  They have histories you can confirm.  The reality is that my trustees don’t attend the meetings.  Their android doubles do.  It’s a great arrangement.  They can spend more time with their families- and I get trustees who will always vote yes, and give public service announcements.  It also reduces meeting times, which save on our electric bills.”

Next, Claar reportedly made an offer to Jaskiewicz:  “Due to complicated agreements between the New World Order and the Illuminati, I can’t remove you and replace you with an android.  But I can ask you to have an android sit in for you at the village board meetings.  Think about it.  Do you want to be bored at our meetings, or do you want to be home with your family?  I’ll even let you decide which announcements it will make at the end of the meeting.”

Jaskiewicz allegedly replied, “The New World Order and the residents elected me so I could stand up to you.  You’re not going to replace me with one of your robots.”

Claar allegedly answered, “Then I vow to bore you to death so I will be able to replace a foe with a resident!”

Jaskiewicz did not reply before the deadline.

A receptionist for Claar replied that he was busy with intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charlene, I hear you’re organizing an Internet counter-attack against Bob.”

“Yes.  I’ve already written the viral articles.  What do you think of these headlines?  ‘Based Mayor bashes bumbling trustee.’  ‘Awesome mayor destroys anarchist trustee.’ ‘Smart mayor shreds stupid opponent. Why won’t the liberal media report this?’”

“I just adjourned the meeting after he ranted.  I didn’t reply.”

“The article will mention that, but it’s the headline that counts.  No one reads the articles.  Oh!  Which background should I use for the memes?  I have this GIF I call ‘Tired Jaskiewicz.’  I also have an animated GIF called ‘Swiveling Jaskiewicz.’  Which do you like?”

“Before I answer that question, I need to ask you if you used village property to make these items.  Someone could say that they’re for political purposes, and I would be forced to hold a disciplinary hearing.”

“Um.  Aren’t my niece and nephew cute?”

“They are, but I’m a career politician.  That trick won’t work on me.”

“Drat.  Um, I’m sure my parents can donate to your campaign fund.”

“I can accept it, and still give you a fair hearing.”

Also in the Babbler:

Prophet Muhammad argues with Mayor Claar
Bolingbrook’s Bigfoot insists it is not a ghost
Mayor Claar dares Russians to flood Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/17

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration?  Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa.  “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly.  So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country.  Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism.  We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage.  We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me.  The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test.  In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’  I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge.  I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks.  He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army.  He told me not to talk so loud.  I asked if he was serious.  He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores?  I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill.  Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.”  The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup:  “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country.  Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party!  I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause!  I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline!  I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger.  Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them.  Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump.  We don’t need dog whistles anymore.  We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17

US/Russia cyber task force visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”

A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:

“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians.  They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help.  Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”

According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.

“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said.  “Use this one instead.  ISIS will never be able to crack it.”

According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password:  “Thank you.  Let me use my campaign phone to change my password.  I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails.  Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”

The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:

“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions.  Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”

Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”

A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”

After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting.  Claar then checked his Twitter feed.  Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.

“Trump just disavowed the commission!”  Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.

According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised.  “The police caught the task force members.  I helped patch up the flaws made by those members.  Roger even changed his password on his AOL account.  It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”

Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.

When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:

“So let me get this straight.  You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you.  I see.  Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend.  Is that right?  Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”

This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.

Also in the Babbler:

Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal vows to triumphantly return to Bolingbrook
Aliens cancel meeting with Laci Green
Chicago vampires condemn vampire role-playing game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/17