Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks and weredogs riot over Valley View 365U recount result (Fiction)

What started as a peaceful protest by weredogs against the removal of School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson ended in a violent clash with anti-Carlson wereskunks. Dozens of weredogs were arrested in front of Valley View’s offices by officers from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The weredogs will be charged with causing hundreds of dollars in damages.

“They started it!” —complained weredog Bo as he was being restrained by the officers.

“Shut up!” —replied the officer.  “You started it by acting like a big snowflake over the lawful removal of a fake board member.”

Though the school board election happened seven months ago, defeated incumbent JT Boudouris filed a lawsuit to request a recount of five of 39 precincts. The lawsuit demanded that ballots that were not initialed by an election judge be thrown out.  The motion was granted.  Following the recount, Carlson’s three-vote win was overturned.  Carlson ran as a member of the Bolingbrook United Party.

Taffy, a weredog, said: “They should have recounted all of the precincts— not just the ones that favored (Mayor Roger Claar’s) candidates.  Roger thew out ballots due to no fault of each individual voter.”

The picket line started with marchers chanting, “Bad humans!  No Bone!”  and “Kennel Roger!”  They did not block entrances, though a few Valley View staff members said they felt intimidated.

“Why are they so mad?” asked a woman who wished to remain anonymous:  “JT earned his seat.  Just like Trump earned his seat.  It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.”

Minutes later, several wereskunks marched towards the weredogs, chanting: “We love Claar!  He’s so fair!”  They then threw litter at the weredogs, and some sprayed them.  

“Bad dogs!”  yelled one wereskunk.  “You stink!”

The weredogs then charged at the wereskunks and started fighting.  Later, officers from the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs arrived, though Valley View’s offices are located in Romeoville.  They fired tear gas and perfume to break up the fighting.  Twenty weredogs were arrested but no wereskunks were arrested.  Instead, the officers treated injured wereskunks, and let them create “litter art” while singing, “We are the Champions.”

“We love Roger!” said one wereskunk.  “We love his candidates.  We’ll do anything we can to support them!”

A member of Bolingbrook United denied knowing about the riot:  “We don’t have time for this silliness.  If your readers really want to help us, come to our Chili Fundraiser this Thursday. You’ll get to find out which elected official cooks the best chili, and help us return Dr. Carlson back to her rightful seat.  Roger just arrived.”

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Joe, I’m glad to see you’re personally delivering your response to my ultimatum.  Now I don’t mind political parties in Bolingbrook, as long as they don’t run candidates.”  After a long pause, the man said: “Is this your entire response?”

“Yes.” said a man who sounded like Bolingbrook United chair Joe Giamanco.

Nuts?”

Also in the Bolingbrook Babbler:

Atheist Alliance International to record TV program in Bolingbrook
Trump demands a new UFO Base in Bolingbrook
Pluto ambassador objects to planned NASA Pluto orbiter mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village announces controversial ‘Adopt a zombie’ program (Fiction)

Bolingbrook residents will have the opportunity to “adopt” one of the zombies that live in the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center.  Not every resident is in favor of this program.

“Don’t our government officials watch zombie shows?” asked Jeb Parker, a member of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party.  “Bolingbrook Commons is a zombie apocalypse waiting to happen.  The village needs to burn it to the ground, not offer it up to its undead for adoption.”

According to documents provided by sources within the Department of Paranormal Affairs, Trustee Michael Carpanzano started the program to dispel “negative attitudes towards Bolingbrook’s undead residents.”  Most of the documents include pro-zombie talking points:

“Do not use the word Zombie.  Instead, refer to them as Undead Residents.  Then point out that living residents are also not dead, therefore everyone is undead.  Then we’ll point out that our undead residents don’t speak out against (Mayor Roger Claar).  That means they’re true residents– Unlike the members of Bolingbrook United, who are foes, not real Bolingbrook residents.”

According to sources, the money from the program will go to the owners of Bolingbrook Commons.  It will allow them to keep the mall open.

“It’s not the best place in Bolingbrook,” said Jill, an employee of the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But unlike rusting cars, we have no problem offering our undead residents a place to wander around peacefully.  I’m tired of all the people who say we should tear down Bolingbrook Commons.  We’re all going to die eventually, and I’d rather be a zombie in Bolingbrook Commons than be buried in the ground.”

Parker says the Art Bell Party has always supported the removal of zombies from Bolingbrook:

“Even if they don’t eat people, they shouldn’t be here.  When you die, you’re supposed to leave your body behind as fertilizer.  You’re not supposed to linger as your body rots.  It’s unsightly and gives Bolingbrook a bad name.  We shouldn’t be known as a village of the dead.  We should be known as a living, thriving village.  Elect our party, and we will bring new life to Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and couldn’t be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “Now that I’ve improved our credit rating, will you cancel your chili dinner fundraiser and dissolve Bolingbrook United?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied: “No way.  You got us into this mess in the first place.  Plus, there are residents who want garbage toters and cannabis stores.   They deserve a voice in village government too. I’m going to be that voice, Roger.”

“I know you will, but I wish you wouldn’t, Obarzanek.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia to launch snow attack on Halloween
Village attorney denies plans to file charges against ‘foes’ of Bolingbrook
Trump denies knowing Mayor Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard takes down Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard used a two-finger takedown to push Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar to the ground during an Illuminati gathering.

“The word is ‘Fnord,’ civilian,” said Gabbard as Claar moved away from her.  “Not ‘Ford!’”

File photo of Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard.

“The ‘N’ is silent!” countered Claar.

“It is not.  You are disrespecting our sacred order and showing insubordination to an Illuminated Knight of higher standing.  Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry I—”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I’m sorry…Ma’am.”

Claar, through a spokesperson, stressed that he was not harmed, and has forgiven her.

“Tulsi is still Roger’s favorite Fox News Democrat,” said the spokesperson.  “He is not going to let a slight difference of opinion get in the way of his desire to destroy the New World Order, and run Bolingbrook without interference from state or national government.”

An Illinois Illuminati official, who asked not to be identified, said that while Gabbard was still upset over Claar’s pronunciation of “Fnord,” she was going to move on:

“She has to focus on how she’s going to spin her Independent bid to be President after telling the public she wouldn’t run as an independent if she didn’t get the Democratic nomination.  She doesn’t have time to worry about a suburban Illinois mayor’s inability to say, ‘Fnord.’”

Gabbard was at the Bolingbrook Golf Club for a ceremony honoring her lifelong commitment to the Illuminati.  Before the incident, Claar performed the Illuminati’s Sacred Glowing Orb Ritual with her, then said a few words.

“She’s a real fighter,” said Claar.  “Literally.  She still serves in the military.  But I’m really impressed by how she keeps fighting.  She has no paid staff in Iowa and is only polling at 1% nationwide.  Most people would have quit before for the first debate, but not Tulsi.”

Claar added that the Illuminati will pull Gabbard from the Democratic Primary, due to Sen. Bernie Sander’s defection to the Illuminati earlier this year.

“I just want to say that that I enjoyed watching the Democratic Primary on Tulsi time.  Why aren’t you guys laughing?”

Gabbard thanked Claar and the gathered dignitaries. She briefly talked about how her father had raised her to be a member of the Illuminati.

“My father tried to infiltrate the Republican Party in Hawaii, but then he realized that was a waste of time.  I learned that if I wanted to help our order, I needed to learn how to blend in with the Democrats.  Not only do I blend in, but I appeal to both the far right and the far left!”

Gabbard then turned her attention towards Hillary Clinton:

“I stand by my statements about her.  She is the embodiment of the wicked, corrupt system created by the New World Order.  I want to destroy her…In a debate of course.  She’s mistaken when she says I am a Russian asset.  (President Vladimir) Putin is my asset.  I am a loyal knight of the Illuminati.  I will fight until all nations are destroyed, and I can become the queen of Hawaii.  I will tear down those telescopes, and tell my people what they want!  I will say aloha to the our illuminated future.  Fnord!”

While the crowd chanted “Fnord,” Claar, according to eyewitnesses, chanted “Ford,” which lead to the incident.

Gabbard could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like Claar, said: “What are you watching?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m watching a live stream of a rap battle between (DuPage Township Trustee) Maripat Oliver and (DuPage Township Trustee) Alyssia Benford on The Will County Young Republicans’ secret YouTube Page.”

“Oh my God!  Is it—”

“Yes.  All Alyssia has to do is say a couple rhymes and she wins.  Here we go.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “I’m calling the question!  I’m calling the question.”

“Can you do that in a rap battle?” asked Claar.

“Nope,” replied Spencer.

A woman who sounded like Oliver,  said: “You sound like an old school hack/And your rhymes are really wack/Time for you to face the fact/That Maripat is where it’s at.”

Also in the Babbler:

DuPage Township critics should be forced into counseling says a trustee
Bolingbrook to require underground homes by 2052
Mayor Claar warns residents not to eat chili made by ‘fake residents’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the Space Pope (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano formally apologized to Space Pope Lacoxo MMXI for dressing up like him and posing for a picture.

“I’m sorry his Holiness was offended by my attempt to celebrate religious diversity at Clow UFO Base,” said Carpanzano.

“Insulting me is a very expensive indulgence,” replied the Space Pope.  “Fortunately, I have very reasonable payment plans.”

“I will pay for him”, said Mayor Roger Claar.  “Now let’s pretend this didn’t happen.”

The incident occurred during Clow UFO Base’s “Faith in the Galaxy Festival.”  During the event, the Space Pope confronted Carpanzano about the picture.  The Space Pope explained that it was offensive to him.

“Why?” asked Carpanzano.  “I’m a positive person and I didn’t mean any offense.  Therefore you can’t be offended by what I wore.  You should feel honored.”

“Blasphemy does not honor me!” yelled the Space Pope.  The Space Pope then listed 100 dress code violations with Carpanzano’s outfit.  Notably that most of the crucifixes were upside down, and his hat was the wrong color for this section of the solar system.

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano.

Carpanzano was unmoved.  “I’m married and have a family.  That means I can wear anything I want and you can’t be offended!”

Before the Space Pope could declare Carpanzano a heretic, Claar arrived and asked to speak with Carpanzano.  According to unnamed sources, Claar called Carpanzano “positively clueless” because his actions endangered Bolingbrook.  He explained that the Universal Catholic Church has its own military and a history of invading planets to forcibly convert the inhabitants:

“I don’t care if you like to dress up.  Just don’t offend one of the most powerful religious organizations in the galaxy!  Pick on weaker cultures, instead.  They can’t harm us.”

After his meeting, Carpanzano said he was going to move on from this incident:

“I know Muslims, and Jaime Olson has lost three elections.  Therefore it’s okay for me to dress up like a modern Egyptian!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Hundreds arrested during the Clow UFO Base climate strike (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base’s security ruthlessly shut down a Climate Strike demonstration minutes after it started.  Over 100 aliens were arrested, along with 12 humans and 4 androids.  Over 100 beings were treated for injuries, but none were life-threatening.

“Let me make this clear,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “You can say what you want about Earth’s climate, but you cannot go on strike at my UFO Base!”

Anonymous officials claim that the organizers planned to block all the landing bays at Clow until Earth’s governments agreed to a geoengineering program to reverse global warming. 

“Clow would be out of business before any government would consider it,” said one anonymous official.

Organizers denied that the “Climate Strike” was an actual strike.

“It was a demonstration,” said Glowdia Padakolaka, a visitor from Tabby’s Star.  “Just because we called it a strike, doesn’t mean it is a strike.  We just meant that we think Earth’s governments should strike a blow against the forces changing the climate before they make Earth uninhabitable for humanity.  We didn’t deserve to be pepper sprayed for saying that.”

One of the humans injured was Rachel Ventura, Democratic candidate for the Illinois 11th Congressional District:  “Yeah it sucked getting sprayed with acid, but the doctors here fixed my skin for free.  What really sucks is being represented by Congressman Bill Foster!  He won’t support the Green New Deal.  As your Congresswoman, I will say this to the spineless Democrats in charge:  Give humanity the Green New Deal or give humanity death!  No other ideas are worth considering.  Like switching to nuclear power?  Hell no!  I won’t glow, Bill.”

Foster replied in an email, “(Representative Sean Casten) and I feel there are other options besides the Green New Deal.  At least Rachel and I are debating how to fight climate change.  Whoever Roger drafts to run against me will probably deny the problem.  I say keep the Sci Bros in Congress!”

Ventura was quested by Claar then released.  Sources say she was released because she, along with Claar, are members of the Illuminati.

Padakolaka said the organizers’ next goal is to secure the release of  Clow’s “climate prisoners.”  She also hopes to meet with Claar and explain the importance of combating climate change.

“Climate change is the great filter,” said Padakolaka.  “Too many civilizations reach this stage and perish because they’re not willing to make the necessary changes to protect their planet.  When an economic system favors extinction over preservation, that system must change.  Economies must serve their beings.  Beings must not serve the economy.  Civilizations that learn this lesson reach the stars.  I hope humanity learns this lesson before it’s too late.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar deploys “floating emergency command center.”
Wereskunks defend littering as ‘a work of art’
Satanist says his religion requires a garbage toter in his front yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/28/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Infected passengers from C/2019 Q4 transferred to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Image of an interstellar cruise ship disguised as a comet.

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they received infected passengers from a cruise ship, known to the public as interstellar comet C/2019 Q4 (Borisov).

“We have taken all necessary precautions,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Clow has one of the best medical facilities on Earth for treating visitors.  There is no danger to our residents or to humanity at large. Anyone who says differently is a foe and shouldn’t be trusted.”

C/2019 Q4 is a sub-light speed luxury cruise ship which has been traveling towards Earth for thousands of years.  According to Clow officials, the craft sent out a distress signal last month stating that half the passengers and crew were infected by an unknown illness.  After a medical team from the Interstellar Commonwealth visited the craft, they ordered most of the infected passengers removed from the craft.  Clow UFO Base was one of the sites chosen by the Illuminati to treat passengers.

Dr. Rachel X. Zimmerman, Director of Clow’s Infectious Disease Division, said many precautions were taken to reduce the risk of contamination:  “We have a special landing bay with a hospital for situations like this.  It has its own life support system.  We’re following strict quarantine procedures.  Our medical staff won’t leave until these patients are cured or incinerated!”

Qugodlak, a doctor from Barnard’s Star, said that cruise ships like C/2019 can become breeding grounds for infectious diseases:  “These ships may travel for thousands of Earth years before they can dock.  That means they’re never properly cleaned or repaired for most of their journey.  On Earth, a broken ice machine leads to food poisoning.  On one of these ships, they can create an ecosystem of death.  That why I tell my patients to never take a trip on one of these ships.”

Blousk, Head Thinker of Evolution Cruise Lines, thanked Claar for his help and defended his business:  “All of our passengers are practically immortal.  Who wants to live forever?  Those who die will die among the stars.  Those who survive will have loving memories of the evolution of humanity— As well as memories of our fine dining, and centuries of playing Gobabble Ball.”

Qugodlak said the healthy crew and passengers will be taken on a guided tour of Earth.  The ship will be depressurized and exposed to the Sun’s radiation in hopes of sterilizing it.  Once the ship is disinfected, the ship will be re-pressurized, and the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed back on board.

Their next destination will take C/2019 Q4 approximately 200,000 years to reach. 

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had no interest in commenting.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said:  “We need to tell the whole world that Bolingbrook was chosen by Money Magazine as one of the best places to live in America this year.  Why are you shaking your head?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “First of all, being number 85 isn’t great.”

“Being 85 out of all the communities in the country is great!”

“Second of all, if you link to the article, people will discover that Naperville is ranked number 45.  They’ll realize that they can move to Naperville, save money, have a nearby Metra station, and be close enough to Bolingbrook to exploit all the things that make it great.”

“You’re so negative.  Why can’t you be positive, like every other Bolingbrook resident.”

“Positivity never leads to progress.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens riot as Clow increases fuel costs
Residents clean up litter left by weredeer
Wereskunks apply for a cannabis license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/19  

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar filming ‘Masterclass’ (Fiction)

Sources confirm that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is filming an instructional video for the Masterclass web site. Claar’s course will teach viewers how to master Illinois’s campaign finance laws.

In a clip obtained by the Babbler,  Claar says : “Cook County politicians envy my fundraising abilities. The Chicago Tribune and Crain’s have written about my techniques.”  Later in the clip, he winks and says, “If you pay for my course, I’ll share my secrets with you.”

In another clip, Claar speaks to a female student:  “In the late 1990s, Illinois passed campaign finance reform laws. Don’t let those laws limit your political ambitions.  That means you don’t just have a personal campaign fund.  You should also set up your own political party.  If you’re really ambitious, you should also set up a Political Action Committee.  Doing these three things will give you triple the opportunities to receive maximum donations from your supporters.”

Another clip shows Claar sitting in The Nest Bar and Grill with a young woman.  

Student:  So what happens to a campaign fund after the election?

Claar:  People think you need to stop campaigning after the votes are counted.  That’s wrong.  Losers stop campaigning.  Winners look for campaign opportunities every day.  (Turns towards the waiter) You’re a Bolingbrook resident, right?

Waiter:  Yes.

Claar:  Did you know I might be running for reelection?

Waiter:  No.

Claar:  Now you do.  I’ll start with the usual.

Waiter: One Mayor’s Platter coming up.

Claar:  See?  Because I just campaigned, I can use my campaign fund to pay for this meal.

Student:  Wow!  That means I can have the Steak Sandwich, and my rich supporters will pay for it.

Claar: Exactly.

A third clip shows Claar and the woman on a beach in California.

Claar:  Losers only campaign in their districts.  Winners know that constituents like to travel around the world.

Student:  But can we really spend campaign money out of state?

Claar:  Of course.  We’re going to have dinner with someone who has helped in many of my campaigns.  That’s campaign related, and if its campaign related—

Student: We can spend campaign funds!

Claar: Exactly.

In the last clip, Claar confronts the female student:

Claar:  So how did you do?

Student;  I raised $10,000 and now I’m ready to run!

Claar:  Ten thousand dollars?  That less than the contribution limit from a corporation! What if you need batteries?  What if you need to pay the tuition of a supporter?  What if you need a satellite radio in your car?

Student: But my opponent only has $100 so it seemed—

Claar: Young lady, you showed mercy.  There is no mercy in Illinois politics.  Especially in Bolingbrook!

A receptionist for Claar refused to confirm or deny if Claar was filming anything for a Masterclass.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Patch still hasn’t taken down the second ad from Bolingbrook United.  How are we countering it?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’ve created teams of Facebook commentators.  Team Fake News will say the article is fake, even though it isn’t.  Team Bonus will say you deserve a tax-free fund because you’re a great mayor.  Team What-about will try to distract residents by mentioning other Illinois politicians.  The team that gets the most likes will get to join you for a constituent lunch.”

“They’re small teams, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll just cash out one of my CDs just to be safe.  You can never have too much money in the fund.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar defies Mother Nature by starting the Pathways Parade
Aliens remember 9/11
Claar offers to host summit meeting with Lunar Tardigrades
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Mayor Noak tells the New World Order that Romeoville is ‘the village that can’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the opening of a high-speed rail between Romeoville and the Peotone UFO Base, Mayor John Noak called Romeoville “the village that can.”

“There’s a village north of us,” said Noak.  “I won’t name it, you probably know which one.  Their mayor used to brag about all the things he could do.  Since he defected to the Illuminati, we never hear him talk about doing things. He always talks about what his village can’t do.  His village can’t have a Metra station.  His village can’t have a budget surplus.  And his village can’t host Ribfest.  Well, his village can’t, but we are the village that can.”

Noak then thanked the New World Order for supporting Romeoville:

“I used to believe the Illuminati’s propaganda, but I know better now.  The truth is, success doesn’t come from chaos.  It comes from order.  Only through stability can our residents enjoy their freedom.”

Noak later added:  “I was once drunk with success, but the NWO helped turn me around.  Now I am proud to say, ‘E Pluribus Unum!’  I will never let our secret society down again.”

Later during the opening, DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess thanked the New World Order for choosing Romeoville:

“You’re going to like working with our residents because of their industrious spirit.  You know, whenever I’m at a meeting and the Edgar County Watchdogs are attempting to drain my soul with Illuminati incantations, I’ll catch myself wondering why I’m letting these dogs suck minutes from my life.  Then I remember that I’m a Romeoville resident.  We can do anything, and that includes standing up to those Illuminati bullies and Illuminati Knight Alyssia Benford!  It makes me want to say, “In God we Trust!”

A woman ran on to the stage and whispered into his ear.

“Oops,”  he replied.  “Um, I meant E Pluribus Unum!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed:

“Roger wants me to remind callers about the evils of socialism.  But just between you and me, I love our socialized luxury golf club.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you’re one of Charlene’s Russian friends.  How can I help you?”

“I want to build a big beautiful borscht factory in Bolingbrook!”

“I love it, and I know just the place to put it.” 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.