A rabbit gang attacked Aurora mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate Richard Irvin while he was recording political ads in Bolingbrook. Irvin was rescued by Animal Control’s Rabbit Response Team and treated for minor bites and scratches, and given a rabies shot.
According to eyewitnesses, as Irvin recited these lines, “You know what the Left hates more than Republicans? The black friends of Republicans! I want to be your black friend,” a herd of rabbits stopped to watch. For the next commercial, Irvin pointed a green prop gun at a remote-controlled camera. He recited the lines: “Some people say J.B. Pritzker has access to a space laser. Well, I prefer to practice my Second Amendment rights up close and personal.” Irvin pulled the trigger and the prop gun made a pop sound. The rabbits then charged Irvin and the crew.
“I think it was just a misunderstanding,” said Juliana, who asked that we not use her last name. “The poor abandoned bunnies thought Richard wanted to be their friend. They probably felt betrayed when he set off his cap gun. That’s why they attacked him.”
Joe, another eyewitness also witnessed the attack. He said: “Let’s just say I will never look at Monty Python and the Holy Grail the same way again.”
The Rabbit Response Team caught five rabbits and chased away the rest. The captured rabbits will be sent to a rescue organization to domesticate them.
“This is what happens when you don’t properly care for your rabbit,” said an officer who asked not to be named. “Too many residents adopt and then abandon their rabbits. These once innocent creatures have no choice but to join gangs in order to survive. They started out raiding gardens, but now they’ve moved on to attacking humans. For the love of God, if you’re not willing to fulfill a rabbit’s special needs, don’t adopt one! They can be loving pets with the right caretakers.”
When reached for comment, Irvin confirmed the attack and said he was okay: “I want to thank the staff of Barber’s Corners Media for their professionalism during a crisis. Things have gotten so bad in Illinois under Pritzker and Madigan that rabbits are hunting humans! Those two make me angry, just like the idiots in my party who want to ban abortion. We can’t tell people it’s okay to spread a deadly airborne disease then say we’re pro-life. And while you’re here, tell Pritzker that I prosecuted criminals before I defended them! So I know criminals, and Trump is the biggest criminal I know. He’s worse than all the Illinois democrats combined!”
“You can’t say that!” someone in the background yelled.
“Chill out,” Irvin replied. “I’m just talking to the Babbler. No one believes them.”
A spokesperson for Barber’s Corners Media would neither confirm nor deny they were working with Irvin.
In the background, Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer sat conversing at a desk with Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta:
“I told you my friend at Miblart makes great covers.”
“You are too kind,” said a man on a video call.
Alexander-Basta said, “We’ll need it soon because I want the Village to publish its fantasy novel before that Babbler staffer does. There are no rifts in Bolingbrook.”
“I won’t argue,” Spencer replied. “Here’s your invoice.”
“Wow! I can’t believe it. What’s the catch?”
The sound of gunfire could be heard in the background. The man ducked, followed by the sound of an explosion that shook the camera. The man returned to his seat and adjusted the camera.
“Sorry about that. So any free changes you want to make?”
Spencer replied, “Could you add a blue tint to this part?”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook will not recognize Christopher Hitchens’s birthday as a holiday
AI announces candidacy for Will County Board against Jackie Traynere
Trumpanati cancels convention at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.