The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party.
“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name. “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people. It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history. I urge all expecting parents to use common sense. Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs. Be humble. Don’t be vandals!”
According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook. When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.
Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb. According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar. Sources agree she left the following voicemail:
Hi Roger, it’s me again. You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency. Well, we have one now, but don’t worry. Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook. I’ve got this. Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check. The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.
Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.
“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.
“You mean my luxurious office.”
“Soon to be my luxurious office.”
Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees. After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated. Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.
“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano. “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”
“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.
Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”
An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta. She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger. The officers arrived minutes later.
The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door. NEST members rushed into the hanger. Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!”
“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man. “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”
Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.
“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler. “I read the instructions in a novel. All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased! This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!”
Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board. This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.
“What happened?” asked Lawler.
A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence. By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”
“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”
“That’s only in the movies. Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have. You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”
Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device. When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.
“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.
Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry. Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry. Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.
Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”
Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.
A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”
In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said: “Great work, Charlene. I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing. I just asked myself what would 8kun do, and did it. Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context. I couldn’t have done it without their help.”
“I will thank them for you.”
“I do have a question, though. Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on? They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”
“No, because I am a CPA. That makes me special.”
Also in the Babbler:
Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21