As the April 6 Consolidated Election approaches, Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are now fractured between supporters of the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.
Liz, the Priestess of Paper, announced the split in a press release. She declared her loyalty to mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, who is currently a Village Board Trustee:
“We cannot ignore the words of the Easter Skunk! —and Archangel Leroy Brown. Sheldon is (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) true successor. (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) is a pawn of the Devil Dogs who now control the First Party. The heads of the Bolingbrook Family refuse to accept this enlightened truth. So we have left the family to form our own family. A family that will remain faithful to the Easter Skunk. Let it be known that we have broken our bond with Mayor Mary by spraying each other as punishment for our sins, and bathed in Sheldon’s garbage so we may be born again!”
Blug, the Priest of Scraps, accused wereskunk supporters of Watts to be “heretics.”:
“We promised Roger that we would swear allegiance to Mayor Mary as we swore allegiance to him. The Easter Skunk just told me that we must honor that oath because only Mayor Mary will protect our free access to garbage. She will sentence supporters of toters to spend the rest of their lives in the Eighth Terrace of Purgatory: The Ad Hoc Committee!”
Paula, who asked that we not use her real name, witnessed two weredeer fighting on the campaign trail:
“When I looked outside, I saw two monster skunks clawing each other, and campaign literature littering my backyard. A monster squirrel jumped over my fence and tossed both creatures away. She noticed me and said this fight shouldn’t discourage me from voting in the election. Oh, I’m going to vote in the next election. I’m voting for Bolingbrook United!”
A member of BIV, who asked not to be identified, said that the campaign now has “unusual volunteers who like to hang out by the dumpster before canvassing.” The member would not elaborate further.
A volunteer for the First Party claims she’s worked with “unusual” volunteers as well:
“They always insist on taking the garbage out, but it never ends up in the dumpster. If someone comes in wearing perfume or cologne, they start gagging and run away. They also use the word ‘stink’ a lot. I went canvassing with one of them, and he rewrote the script to make Sheldon sound really evil. I reminded him to stay positive, and he said he positively hated Sheldon. I said that just because Sheldon exchanged Roger’s love for Willie Wilson’s love—I don’t know—that doesn’t mean we have to hate him. That didn’t change his mind. So I reported him to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano), but Michael told me not to think negative thoughts.”
Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.
A spokesperson for BIV called to deny the story:
“We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook, but that diversity does not include fake monsters!”
In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said: “Sheldon, you have to help! One minute she’s posting on Facebook as herself, then she went all Bonnie on us.”
A woman made a growling noise and said: “Bring Bonnie to me so she can suck my guns before my hellhounds Hitler, Pinochet, and Franco devour her mortal shell. Lyn and Deb will be happy.”
“Why are you referring to one of your sock puppets as a real person?” asked a man who sounded like Watts. “For that matter, why are you referring to yourself in third person? You do know you who you really are, right?”
“Yes! My name is Legion, for we are many.”
“Oh no!” said the man who sounded like Watts. “I must use the holy power of Jesus to cast Legion off the face of the Earth!”
“Hey!” said covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. “That was an awesome TV movie. Rick Springfield was robbed of an Emmy.”
“Charlene, I need your help. You’re the only person who could possibly get me 2000 pigs!”
“Sheldon. You don’t really think she’s possessed by Legion, do you? Can’t you see she’s obviously suffering from a case of Sock Puppet Psychosis?”
“I’ve never heard of that,” said the man who sounded like Watts.
Spencer replied: “It sometimes happens if you have too many sock puppet accounts, and you forget which account is really you and which are the fake personalities. Just keep her offline for a few days and she’ll sort it out.”
Also in the Babbler:
Doctors revive frozen Snow Command Driver
Editorial: Presidents are not dictators
Will County Republicans deny plans to build giant Odal rune
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
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