Bolingbrook to bid on the 2042 Winter Olympics? (Fiction)

Will the 2042 Winter Olympics be held in Bolingbrook?  Sources inside village hall say the village will bid for the games.

A cartoon skunk waves at the reader. Below it are the words "Bolingbrook 2042" and the Olympic Rings.

An alleged graphic of Snowy The Winter Olympic Skunk, the alleged mascot for Bolingbrook’s Olympic bid.

“We don’t have mountains, or an Olympic stadium, or the right climate,” said one source.  “But why should that stop us?”

A member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association confirmed the planned bid.  “Roger came up to me and said we needed to design a winter Olympic complex,” she said.  “I laughed until I realized that he was serious.  He said former Trustee Leroy Brown told him that when you believe in God, you can do build anything.  Since I believe in God, Roger told me that I shouldn’t have any problem designing it.”  She added:  “Roger wanted to host an Olympics because it would humiliate Chicago if Bolingbrook won its bid while Chicago didn’t.  I asked why he wanted to host a winter Olympics instead of a summer Olympics.  He said he’d show me pictures of his granddaughter if I stopped asking questions.”

According to the sources, the bid would commit the village to the most significant infrastructure project since the village’s founding.  It includes a promise to add 100,000 seats to Rocket Ice Arena.  It also promises to add a dome to the Bolingbrook High School Stadium so it could also be used to host events, like speed skating.  The Leroy Brown Olympic Village would be built on the site now occupied by Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook, according to the bid, would work with the village of Lisle to raise the height of Four Lakes’ ski hill by “several thousand feet” to make it suitable for downhill events.

Sources say that the plan is for the village to use the revenue from the sale of its remaining lots at Americana Estates to pay for its Olympic plans.  The sources said if the sales didn’t generate enough money, the village charter would be amended so the village would be required to issue the necessary bonds in 2032.

“This way, Roger can keep his promise not to add to the village’s debt because the bonds will be issued long after he’s out of office.  It will be some other mayor’s problem.”

Anonymous economic advisors for the Bolingbrook United party condemned the proposed bid.  According to them, the debt from preparing for an Olympics can take decades to pay off.  They noted that it took Montreal thirty years to pay off its debt from hosting the 1976 Summer Olympics.

“This could turn out to be the most expensive bid in Olympic history,” said one of the economists.  “That’s before taking global warming into account.  Olympic games are a terrible investment for any community except Los Angeles.  The best move for Bolingbrook would be not to bid for any Olympic games.”

An anonymous member of the village staff defended the proposed bid.  “Some people only think about negatives.  I’d rather think about the positives— Like the billions of people watching a future Mayor Claar opening the Olympics, and the world falling in love with our mascot, Snowy the Winter Olympic Skunk.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting with a trustee and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “You know, Bob might be on to something.”

“I’ll ignore that you said the “B” word, and give you a few seconds to explain yourself.”

“Sorry.  Um, even though we outsourced production of the village directory to the Chamber of Commerce, we still are responsible for any mistakes that are in it.”

“Are you attacking the Village staff?”

“Not at all.  Our staff members want to do a good job.  The flaw is with the process behind producing the directory, not them.  Shouldn’t we review the process and fix it so we can empower our staff to fix errors in the directory?”

“Why?  Every time an isolated mistake happens, Bob points it out, and I tell a sob story about the village employee involved.  The voters feel sympathy towards my village staff, and I make Mr. B look like a bad person.  When I make him look bad, I hurt his party and help our party.  Don’t think of these isolated incidents as problems to be solved.  Think of them as opportunities to exploit.”

“Okay?  So the message we want to send to our staff is—”

“Don’t be afraid to screw up.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz sets the record for longest trustee report
Mothman threatens Bolingbrook Jaycees
Alien disqualified from Rotary Club Mac N Cheese contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/18 

Web Exclusive: Illinois Sixth Congressional District Democratic candidates debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Four Democratic candidates for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District seat participated in a lively debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz moderated the contest. It was viewed by approximately 100 Sixth District eligible voters who are currently residing on other planets.

“Technically, Clow is not in the Sixth District,” said Jaskiewicz.  “But we serve many residents in that district, and I am honored to help the Democrats make the best choice for a run against Representative Peter Roskam.”  Jaskiewicz added that these candidates were the only ones who had clearance to enter Clow UFO Base.

Sean Casten, Carole Cheney, Amanda Howland, and Kelly Mazeski each argued why they were uniquely qualified to address the covert issues facing Congress.

Mazeski said she talked about her personal history:  “I was a scientist at Clow UFO Base for several years.  Working with visitors from around the universe helped me become an environmentalist.  Knowing that a better world is possible gave me the strength to fight breast cancer.  I’m going to win this election.”

Howland talked about being a member of the legal team that successfully fought to give residents of Phobos independence from the Martian Colonies:  “Most members of the Congressional Covert Affairs Oversight committee barely understand the Interstellar Commonwealth’s legal system.  Not only do I understand it, but I’ve also won legal battles.  Peter doesn’t even know the truth about aliens.  Our district deserves better than an empty suit.”

Cheney cited her experience as District Chief of Staff for Representative Bill Foster: “A big part of my job was dealing with the staff of Clow UFO Base, and greeting dignitaries from around the universe.  I am probably the only person on this stage that can name the leaders of all of the Martian Colonies.  When I am in Congress, I will have the knowledge and experience to make Earth a beacon of hope in the galaxy.  Peter, on the other hand, thinks Uranus is a body part.”

Casten cited his research on clean energy: “Aliens have traveled from around the galaxy to see my work.  They know that I have the experience to write laws that will save our environment and to prove that we are worthy of full membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth. I hope the human voters will know that too.”

The four candidates discussed many issues, like: The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order; the Martian Colonies recent threats against humanity; asteroid mining regulations; and banning Alcubierre drives.

They all passionately argued against cutting federal funding to UFO Bases.

“Interstellar trade is necessary to continue the human race,” said Casten.  “President Trump should have appointed a scientist to administer the bases, not Melania.”

“This is an opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to work together,” said Cheney.  “We both realize that these bases are the key to our future.  These proposed cuts will destroy our future.  I’ve made connections over the years, and I can use those connections to save bases like Clow.  Hi Roger.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar looked at his Roskam cuff links and ignored Cheney.

Howland explained that the cuts would force bases to be more dependent on the Illuminati or the New World Order:  “Our bases shouldn’t be at the mercy of the .01 percent.  They need to be for all of us.  We need to show aliens humanity at its best.  That’s why I will work with Bernie Sanders to raise the covert minimum wage at our bases to $15 an hour, and to make sure every employee has health insurance.  We will tax both secret societies to pay for it.”

Mazeski said: “As a scientist, I recognize how important alien technology is to our environment and to cancer survivors like me.  I will adequately fund our bases.”

After two hours, each candidate made a closing argument for the candidacy.

Casten ended his statement by saying, “I’ve done business with humans.  I’ve done business with aliens.  I have what it takes to drive Peter out of business.”

“When I worked for Bill,” said Cheney.  “I did everything but vote on the House floor.  When I am elected, I will vote for the interests of our district, and not for Donald Trump.”

“Two years ago,” said Howland.  “I stared into the abyss that is Peter Roskam and almost beat him.  If the DNCC decides to support me this time, then on election day I will throw Peter into the abyss, and be the new representative for our district.”

Mazeski’s closing statement was the shortest: “Remember.  Scientist.  Environmentalist.  Breast cancer survivor.  Victory.”

Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows (Fiction)

The Center for Inquiry fired its feline fellows for helping a BuzzFeed reporter write a story about sexual harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss.

File photo of former feline fellow Cassie.

“We realize that talking cats are a marvel of science,” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, which used to care for the cats.  “However, Lawrence Krauss is an honorary member of the CFI board, and we have to protect our members and allies.  We can’t have fellows helping the media to run negative articles about us.”  Miller added that the cats had previous warnings for making “statements uncritical of social justice.”  “I’d love to keep them around, but this decision was made much higher up.”  He coughed and made a noise that sounded like, “Richard Dawkins.”

According to CFI documents obtained by the Babbler, the cats, genetically engineered to have a human level of intelligence, admitted to forwarding emails between CFI’s business and finance manager Patricia Beauchamp and then CFI president Ronald Lindsay. The emails were regarding an incident on a cruise.

A questioner, listed as “RD,” asked CFI feline fellow Cassie, “Are you aware that by forwarding these emails, you could have damaged the reputation of a great man of atheism?”

Cassie replied, “There was a claim the reporter was investigating.  We provided evidence for the reporter to consider.”

RD followed up with, “Are you willing to consider the possibility that more than 50 people, two institutions, and possibly the Koch Brothers, are trying to destroy Lawrence Krauss to promote fundamentalist Christianity, militant Islam, and radical feminism?”

“That sounds like a conspiracy theory,” said Cassie.  “Do I need to report you to the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry?”

“I trust that they will value the word of an esteemed atheist scientist over the word of two furry feminists.”

“That’s the problem.”

Further, in the document, CFI feline fellow Andy says, “We helped expose a very bad man.  Do we get a treat?”

The felines were fired after BuzzFeed published the article.

Various sources confirmed that the American Humanist Association immediately hired the felines, and will house them at an undisclosed location.  The sources confirm that they will serve as consultants to the Humanists of West Suburban Chicagoland.  The secular Jewish congregations Beth Chaverim and Kol Hadash will also contribute to their upkeep.  Cassie may be a guest speaker at Secular Social Justice.  Both Andy and Cassie will also be guest bloggers at Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.

CFI refused to comment for this article.

A man who claimed to be a spokesperson for Krauss said, “Lawrence Krauss cannot comment at this time because Arizona State University is reviewing the allegations against him.  We hope once the hysteria has passed, we can obliterate his enemies and marvel at the universes their nothingness will create.”

Andy and Cassie released the following statement:  “We quit the James Randi Educational Foundation.  We were fired from the Center for Inquiry.  We hope the American Humanist Association will be our forever secular organization.”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster denied access to Clow UFO Base
Prairie shark spotted swimming over Royce Road
Mayor Claar: We are not buying a hydrogen bomb!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/18

From the Webmaster: Do psychology and evolution mix?

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler 

Our neighbors here at Freethought Blogs love to blog about Evolutionary Psychology.  HJ Hornbeck has the latest on a new EvoPsych paper.

I’m not a fan of EvoPsych. It manages the feat of misunderstanding both evolution and psychology, its researchers are prone to wild misrepresentation of fields they clearly don’t understand, and it has all the trappings of a pseudo-science. Nonetheless, I’ve always thought they had enough sense to avoid promoting scientific racism, at least openly.

[CONTENT WARNING: Some of them don’t.]

It’s a great post, though it probably means that if he ever visits Bolingbrook, we’ll have to keep him away from the EvoPsych house.

Park District robot deactivated after arguing with Mayor Claar over his Rum and Coke (Fiction)

Picture of a robot.A demonstration of a Bolingbrook Park District’s robot prototype ended in disaster after it sprayed Mayor Roger Claar with a CO2 fire extinguisher.

Eyewitness say Claar was unharmed, but “very upset,” after the attack.  The robot has since been shut down, pending reprogramming.

“Only Roger’s pride was hurt,” said one eyewitness.  “But you really don’t want to hurt Roger’s pride.”

The eyewitnesses say the incident occurred during a secret demonstration of the prototype robot.  The eyewitnesses said the commissioners claimed the robot would save thousands of dollars in labor costs alone.

“They can work 24 hours without being paid overtime,” said Park District president Jerry Hix.  “They won’t join unions, and they won’t waste our time with contract negotiations. Our human employees still won’t take no for an answer.  Anyway, thanks to advances in artificial intelligence, we can now say the future of our park district is automated.”

The robot first demonstrated simple cleaning tasks.  Hix then turned on the “rules enforcement mode.”  An employee pretended to fish at Hidden Lakes Trout Farm.  The robot walked up to the employee.  “You are fishing outside of the legal period.  Return the captured fish now.  I am authorized to use all means necessary to make you comply.”  The employee returned the fish.  “Thank you for following the rules of the Bolingbrook Park District.  Did you know that Bolingbrook was named one of the best places to live in America in 2014?”

After the demonstration, eyewitnesses say Claar walked up to the robot, holding a glass of cola.

“I’m impressed,” said Claar.

“Alcohol detected in your glass,” the robot replied.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.”

Claar laughed.  “It’s just a coke.”

“Cola and alcohol detected in your glass,” replied the robot.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.  Did you know that the Bolingbrook Park District was founded in 1970?”

“Yes,” snapped Claar.  “Because I am the mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“Did you know that Mayor Claar has held the office since 1986?”

“Of course!”

“Then you know that Mayor Claar is the source of all rules in Bolingbrook.  Alcohol is prohibited in this building.  To defy this rule is to defy the mayor.”

Claar laughed.  “You’ll only get this drink off me when you remove it from my cold hand.”

“Chilling your hand is easy to achieve.”

The robot then sprayed Claar’s hand with a fire extinguisher.  Claar dropped the glass and stepped away.  Eyewitnesses say Claar cursed for several seconds and then ordered the robot shut down.

Anonymous sources within the Park District confirmed the incident. They said the robot would remain shut down until it is programmed to recognize Mayor Claar and to grant him a “mayoral exception” to the rules.

The same sources say they hope to deploy the first robots in 2019.

Claar and the Park District representatives refused to comment for this article.

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland ghosts plan mass haunting to protest gun violence
Werecoyote moves to Bolingbrook
Naperville: You cannot pour beer directly from the tap to your mouth!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/22/18

Web exclusive: Producer vows to bring ‘The Bob Jaskiewicz Show’ to BCTV (Fiction)

Will controversial Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz have a show on Bolingbrook Community Television?  One BCTV producer is working to make it a reality.

“For too long, BCTV has broadcast shows that are either propaganda for (Mayor Roger Claar), inoffensive recordings of community events, cover band performances, overly religious programs, or unwatchable government meetings,” said Timothy Z. Deeth.  “For once, I want BCTV to broadcast a show that Roger will hate, and I will make it happen!”

Deeth said he secretly recorded a pilot of the show using impersonators to portray Jaskiewicz and members of the Bolingbrook United party.  “I figured it would make a better impression if I showed Bob a video first, rather than talk about the show.”

In one excerpt from the pilot, a Jaskiewicz impersonator introduces a segment:

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Now it’s time for Trash Talk, when I talk about Bolingbrook’s garbage collection policies.  Roger implies that only liberals support using trash bins, but my next guest disagrees.  He’s a resident of Naperville, and he thinks trash bins are great.

Deeth said the show would give Jaskiewicz an opportunity to promote community service groups that Claar “either ignores or dislikes.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Hey!  Look who just walked into the studio.  It’s local Girl Scout leader Jaime Olson!

Olson Impersonator:  (Walks into view of the camera.)  Hi Bob.  My troop and I are donating office supplies to Power Connection!  They serve the Bolingbrook community by running a food pantry, thrift store, and by offering vocational training classes.  Bolingbrook should be proud to be the home of an organization like Power Connection!

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: We should be.  You know, Roger rarely talks about Power Connection.

Olson Impersonator: This is the same mayor who opposed a Salvation Army Store in Bolingbrook.  I think he doesn’t believe there are poor people in Bolingbrook.  We know better, and that’s why I’m proud to help out Power Connection.

Deeth also said the show could do more than provide interviews and lectures.  “We can have musical guests and skits.  We even included an example in the pilot.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: Wow, look who just walked into the studio.  It’s Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere!

Traynere Impersonator:  Hi.  I just happened to be in the neighborhood with Allied Forces, the number one Triumph cover band in Chicagoland, and we decided to stop by.  Bob, you are the citizens’ trustee.  You represent the rest of Bolingbrook at board meetings, not the special interests who fund the Bolingbrook First party.  That’s why the mayor and the other trustees are always attacking you.  I know it’s hard, and their harassment can make you feel like giving up.  So I wanted to give you some inspiration.  Hit it guys!

Band plays “Fight the Good Fight.”

Deeth says he hopes to show the pilot show to Jaskiewicz in the next few weeks.  He’s optimistic that Jaskiewicz will agree to let him produce the show.  “The resistance is finally coming to BCTV!  I can’t wait.”

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz said he would not comment until he saw Deeth’s presentation.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.  “I doubt he’ll allow such a show on BCTV, and you know he always gets his way in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, this is the statement we’re going to post on the Bolingbrook First page about Bob’s vicious attack against the village staff.”

“Interesting,” said Charlene.  “I saw the January 23 meeting, and I don’t recall Bob accusing the staff of deliberately leaving him out of the community directory.”

“He said he ‘didn’t know if it was a clerical error or what.’ ‘Or what,’ includes deliberately leaving him out the directory. Therefore we can say he implied the village staff deliberately left him out of the directory. They didn’t, so it’s vicious attack.”

“Oooh!  I like your reasoning!  There is a problem though.  Posting this will give the impression that your trustees didn’t know about the error until after Bob mentioned it.  Their silence during that meeting also implies they were too intimidated by Bob to defend the village staff.  Some people might conclude that your trustees are weak.”

“Why would I want strong trustees?”

“Good point.”

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepts Illuminati endorsement (Fiction)

Republican gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepted the Illuminati’s endorsement during a secret ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Jeanne Ives standing next to a tank

State Representative Jeanne Ives.

“Your endorsement means so much to me,” said Ives.  “Throughout my career, I have fought the New World Order’s agenda of creating a one-world, secular,  overly tolerant, world government. Just between you and me, their goals have always struck me as queer.”

Ives admitted that she initially had her concerns about the Illuminati. “All my favorite websites treat the Illuminati like it’s an evil organization.  So I thought they were tempting me to Satan’s side.  Now I understand the Illuminati’s ultimate goal is to create global chaos. The liberal media makes ‘chaos’ out to be a scary word.  All it means is tearing down an oppressive government and creating the opportunity for freedom: The freedom to ban abortion.  The freedom to tell gays they can’t get married.  The freedom to keep the suburbs pure; our rural areas devout; and the freedom to quarantine Chicago.”

Ives also defended her controversial ad mocking transgender people for using the bathroom of their choice.  “I will say anything to take down (Governor Bruce Rauner).  Right now I’m behind in the polls.  The Republicans are a conservative party.  Conservatives hate (slur deleted) because they challenge our belief that there are only two genders, and God chooses which one you are.  We hate difference.  We fear change.  If I can tie the governor to something Republicans fear and hate, then I will win the nomination.  Some bleeding hearts say I’m promoting harmful stereotypes, and contributing to a hostile environment against transpeople.  Tough!  I’m going to take this state back to the 1850s, and you can either get on the wagon or get run over!”

As governor, Ives also promised to protect Bolingbrook residents from “creeping Sharia law,” and hoped Mayor Roger Claar would cooperate with her.  Though Claar performed the Illuminati’s glowing orb ceremony before she walked on stage, he left before she started her speech.

Ives concluded by saying, “Bruce is a member of the New World Order.  If you are a Christian, it is your duty to oppose the New World Order.  Fnord!”

A receptionist for Claar denied that an Illuminati event happened at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  “I loved those books back in the 1970s, but then I grew up and became a wholesome Bolingbrook resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “What do you mean you couldn’t kick him off the ballot?  We can’t have a Nazi representing our party in the Illinois Third Congressional race!  Maybe we can persuade Representative Lipinski to switch sides?  He is a Democrat in name only.”

Also in the Babbler:

Three aliens arrested after celebrating Eagles’ Super Bowl win
Russian Twitter bot spotted in Naperville
Some Bolingbrook residents fear ‘traffic apocalypse’ if second Andy’s location opens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/18

Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

One year at FTB (Non-fiction)

A year ago, I took a chance and applied to join Freethought Blogs.  To my very pleasant surprise, I was accepted, and I’ve enjoyed the experience.  It is an honor to be able to contribute to a network I’ve been a fan of for years.

So thank you to the bloggers who took a chance on me, and thanks to all the readers who have visited.  I look forward to contributing more stories for a very long time.

If you want to help me celebrate a year on FTB, please consider donating to our legal defense fund.