On April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook. For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties. We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign. They returned with these stories:
Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection
According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.
According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win. We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum. We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely. In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins. Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”
Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:
“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup. Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine. I guess some people just enjoy being wrong. Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”
In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”
A woman replied, “Attention! I am a CPA. I feel like overthrowing the government today.”
Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X
Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election.
Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”
Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”
Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy. I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”
Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:
“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions. Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots. Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”
Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence
Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication. The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.
The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox. If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice. Bathe in baking soda instead. Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”
Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs: “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk. When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs. Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”
Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:
“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes. When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk. Then she started chanting: ‘Meth! Meth! It’s the best!’ Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”
A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me? Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources. Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”
“But—” replied a woman.
“When I found out, I went over to our police chief. He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers. The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind. Just like Roger.”
“But—”
“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread. If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face. Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me. That’s so negative!”
“But we weren’t talking about you. We were celebrating Passover.”
“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
