Web Exclusive: Interstellar court arrests conservative lawyers for attempted genocide (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

Conservative lawyers who attempted to reopen Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and embarrass Illinois Governor JB Pritzker lost their case and were arrested for attempted genocide.

“No law or procedure can override the Interstellar Commonwealth’s ban on genocide,” said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.

The lawyers, who work for the Illinois Interstellar Policy Institute, argued that Pritzker cannot extend his emergency orders regarding food service workers at Illinois’s UFO Bases.  Therefore, Clow UFO Base should be reopened, and Pritzker should pay restitution to the Weathertech Restaurant.

“Weathertech is running out of space to store its plastic scraps,” argued David X. Smith, Esq. “We have to reopen Clow so Weathertech can spend its money on executives bonuses instead of storage rentals.”

“What about the health and safety of the residents of Bolingbrook?” asked Surgon.

“What about it?” asked Smith.  “We’d never profit if we worried about people’s health.  That’s socialism!”

“And?”

“It’s socialism!”

“So?  Socialism does not automatically mean authoritarianism.”

While the Village did not send a lawyer on its behalf, the Union of Clow UFO Base Culinary Workers argued against reopening.  Pat Z. Leonard, Esq. argued that Pritzker had nothing to do with the lockdown of Clow UFO Base.  Former Mayor Roger Claar ordered to close Clow, she argued, and it was granted by the Illuminati, the secret pages in the Illinois Constitution, and Article VIII of the US Constitution.  Article VIII is also known as the “Secret Society Article” and has never been released to the public.  Leonard concluded by stating even the preamble of the US Constitution gives both Pritzker and current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta the authorization to lockdown Clow UFO Base.

“There’s no tranquility during a pandemic.  A viral invasion of this magnitude requires a common defense.  There is no general welfare when everyone is sick.  Citizens are deprived of liberty when they are hospitalized or dead.  There is no prosperity when citizens are afraid to work or shop.  Both the governor and the mayor swore to uphold the US Constitution.  With hospitalizations rising in Illinois, it would be unconstitutional for either of them to reopen Clow UFO Base!”

Leonard concluded that even with Clow’s anti-viral technology, the use of masks, and social distancing, there was still a risk of the virus infecting crew and aliens.  Some aliens could even spread the virus throughout the galaxy.

Smith countered: “My Constitution says it is important to own a gun and have the libs!  That’s why this court must rule in our favor and find ways to humiliate the governor if he refuses to obey.”

“Even if people get sick?”

“Freedom is important!  Besides, the greater crime is that the JB removed a bathroom so he could reduce his property taxes.  That’s what we should really be focusing on.”

“Do you have me confused with that Clay County judge?”

Surgon asked if the IIPI planned on bringing its executives back to its offices.  The judges laughed and said they weren’t essential workers, but “important thought leaders.”

Surgon then ruled against the IIPI and ordered the arrest of the lawyers on genocide charges.

“My clients are innocent,” said Joe V. Zimmerman.  “We plan on arguing that any form of punishment or accountability violates our clients’ religious liberties.”

Leonard praised the ruling:  “The coronavirus is a serious threat to the wellbeing of our state and our galaxy.  My clients and my firm will do anything do defend our UFO Base and our residents from the virus and its COVIDots allies!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space aliens will not enroll their children in Chicagoland’s schools due to COVID-19 (Fiction)

For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.

Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases:  Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.

“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators.  “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”

Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students:  “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students.  We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule.  Who knows how long that will last?  Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school:  “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students.  Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that.  My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get.  Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base:  “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district.  However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”

Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:

“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci.  “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois.  We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control.  Instead, we’re reopening Disney World!  Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar.  “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”

“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else.  Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies.  Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus.  Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities.  Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”

“Dear God!  I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”

“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before.  So the learning curve is steep and deadly.  Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”

“Huh.  At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”

“Permission to speak freely.”

“I suppose.”

“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine.  The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”

“Twelve hours?  How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”

“Herd immunity?  That’s a good one, your honor.  The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”

“Years?  Oh dear God, we’re screwed!  Excuse me.  I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”

The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students.  Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions. 

Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.

“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year?  We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Alien calls God ‘evil” at Clow UFO Base’s COVID-19 Memorial service (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During a COVID-19  memorial service at Clow UFO Base, alien atheist activist Ja Locas accused Earth’s religions of promoting evil:

“Some human religious leaders say they must hold crowded services during a pandemic,” said Locas.  “If your God requires risking His followers’ lives for rote rituals of praise, then your God is evil!”

Locas, who is the leader of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Non-belief, also said that he had a dim view of humanity’s future:

“Your secret societies tell me that humanity is ready to become an interstellar species.  But I look around and see protesters confusing reasonable stay at home policies with genocide.  I see anti-vaccination activists already working to derail mass immunization campaigns.  I hear Melania Trump selling Enceladus cheese from her factory as a cure for COVID-19.  I do not see a species ready for the stars.  I see a species about to be caught in the Great Filter.”

The speech was met with mixed reactions.  Oknak, a representative from the Universal Catholic Church, called for Locas’s execution:

“The real evil people are atheists who question our unquestionable God!”

Rabbi Ruth from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, clad in a full biohazard suit, offered a different perspective during her speech: 

“Yes, God has unleashed a plague upon the Earth, just as He did to the lands of Pharaoh.  Like he did in Egypt, he will pass over people who leave a mark.  This time, the mark is not the blood of lambs.  It is the mark of science, medicine, and social distancing.  These are gifts from God, and humans who accept them will be passed over!”

Juanita Z. Patterson, the supervisor of the Clow staff members sequestered inside Clow, urged attendees not to focus on religious debates:

“On behalf of the Doomsday Crew, we are saddened by the deaths and suffering caused by the Pandemic.  We are angered by the politicians who cry ‘open the economy’ but really just want to deny poor people unemployment benefits and force sick people to work.  We look outside and see people who are numbed by the numbers:  Over 4000 dead in Illinois; 89,000 nationwide; and over 315,000 globally.  These were not actors.  They were not participants in a hoax.  They were human beings with families and loved ones. They had stories to tell, and now their stories have been truncated.  We are holding this memorial not to debate religion, but to mourn the loss of so many lives.  We may have lost not just so many souls, but the world we knew before we sealed ourselves inside Clow.”

After the speech, Patterson was heard saying that they should have had a teleconference with atheist PZ Myers instead of Locas.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy counting to fifty:

“This pandemic is so stressful that counting to ten doesn’t work anymore.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:

“Dear God.  I found out that Children aren’t immune to the Coronavirus, and some sailors may have been reinfected.  I’m being forced to choose between saving businesses and saving taxpayers—I mean residents.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  Please give me a sign.  Any kind of sign to prove that you’re not giving me the Job treatment.”

In the background, someone yelled: “Murder Hornet!”

After several gunshots, another person yelled:  “Officer down!  Pistols don’t work!  Unlock the shotguns!”

“Now you’re just (expletive deleted) with me,” said Claar. 

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar and sentient coronavirus trade insults
Russian special forces spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Naperville
Edgar County Board denies dumping their COVID-19 patients in Will County
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook slashes covert budget (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Despite disaster relief funds from the Illuminati, the Bolingbrook Village Board approved a drastically reduced covert budget for the fiscal year 2021.

The vote was 5-1 with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order, objecting to the Illuminati’s aid terms:

“This bailout gives the Illuminati part ownership of Clow UFO Base for at least 100 years.  Even if the residents elect a New World order slate, the Illuminati will still have a stake in Clow.”

“That board could vote to remove the Illuminati’s ownership stake,” replied Mayor Roger Claar.  “And don’t call it a bailout.  Call it a disaster relief grant.”

“Then if the board voted to remove their ownership stake, their relief grant becomes a high-interest loan, and the interest payments alone would bankrupt both our budgets.”

“Not my problem, Dabrowski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

The approved budget furloughs 99 percent of Clow UFO Base’s staff; cuts the Department of Paranormal Affairs’ funding by 50 percent; cuts the Department of Interstellar Affairs by 40 percent; and eliminates village funded pensions for covert employees.  Employees will have the option of signing up for an Illuminati managed pension.  Additionally, all android doubles of the village board members will be placed in storage for at least a year.

“Let’s face it,” said Claar.  “We’re probably going to be doing most of our meetings online for at least a year.  The whole point of having android doubles was to allow my trustees to spend time with their families while the androids voted with me.  Since we’re all at home now, It’s cheaper to put them in storage.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “I’m going to miss controlling my android, but we have to set a positive example.  This virus is more dangerous than the flu!  I don’t care what the bad Facebook groups say.”

“While they’re being negative,” added Trustee Michael Carpanzano,  “I’m secretly working on a plan to reopen every business in the village— Because we have to stay Bolingbrook strong!”

“You never pass up an opportunity to attach your name to something,” said Jaskiewicz.

Carpanzano held up a rubber carp to his webcam for a few seconds then set it down.

“Even Bob is silent when confronted with my positivity!”

“Wow.  You just carped me again.”

“Silence is bliss!”

Ghost hunting license fees will also be doubled.

“I promised not to raise taxes on residents,” said Claar.  “I didn’t say anything about not raising fees.”

Claar warned that there could be more cuts in the future, especially if the COVID-19 pandemic lasts two years:

“The Interstellar Commonwealth has banned abductions of humans.  That’s one of Clow’s major sources of revenue.  They’ve also banned transporting humans off-world.  That’s another source of income down the drain.  They won’t lift these restrictions until the virus morphs away, or there is a vaccine.  I told them they were hurting our economy.  They said there are more important things in the universe than Earth’s economy.  Amazing, I know.  Anyway, until they change their position, there’s simply no demand for our services.”

“And it’s all Bob’s fault,” said Trustee Mary Basta.

“How?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Basta looked at a sheet of paper on her desk and then said:  “Sorry.  That was last week.  This week the Illuminati wants us to blame the Chinese government while exempting Chinese Americans from the backlash.  They keep changing our orders.”

Before the budget vote, QAnon addressed the village board on behalf of the Illuminati:

“We didn’t create this virus, but we’re grateful for the opportunities for chaos it has presented us.  Last year, I couldn’t even imagine armed protesters storming the Michigan statehouse, or someone holding up an Auschwitz sign in Illinois.  However, I’m sure the Illinois militias will appreciate it if you accept our disaster aid.

“That sounds like a threat,” said Jaskiewicz.

“I’ll give you a clue, Bob.  The best sub sandwich isn’t in a sub.”

“Huh?”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to hold zombie drill in July
Governor bans fishing on Bolingbrook’s emergency command pontoon boat
Chicago ghosts help enforce stay at home order
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/7/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens killed by COVID-19 while protesting stay at home order (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Twenty aliens died from COVID-19 in Palatine while protesting Illinois’ stay at home order. 

An alien poses with a sign that reads, “Give me liberty and death.” The alien was on the way to a protest in Palatine.

The aliens, wearing human suits, started marching down Rand Rd, holding signs and chanting: “Give us Liberty!  Give us death!”  Minutes later, all the aliens started gasping for air and collapsed to the ground.  

Patricia Z. Numan, a Palatine resident, witnessed part of the protest:  “I thought their signs were great, so I slowed down and honked my horn.  One of the marchers staggered off the sidewalk towards me.  I was about to roll down my window when it sprayed this green liquid on my window.  Then it fell over.  The others started coughing too.  That’s when I sped off and called 911.”

According to Numan, she was detained for two hours while a hazmat team cleaned her car.

“I used to trust Fox News and distrust the government,” said Numan.  “After what I saw, I realized I was wrong.  Fox News works for the part of the Government that values businesses more than people. Governor Pritzker values me, even if I’m just a taxpayer to him.  I hate to say it, but I have to trust Pritzker over Fox News if I want to survive.  I’m all in for Illinois!”

When police officers from Palatine’s Special Affairs Division arrived, all the aliens were incapacitated.  Under orders from Village Manager Reid Ottesen, the officers burned the bodies before collecting them.

“We weren’t sure they were all dead,” said an officer, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But the Interstellar Commonwealth imposes fines if you’re responsible for letting an infection leave your planet.  So we couldn’t take any chances.”  The officer added:  “I might have heard one of them say, ‘Freedom.  We don’t want it.  We don’t need it.  Not!’  But that just could have been a death twitch.  I was just glad to finally be able to use our flamethrowers!”

Special Affairs and officials at Rob Sherman UFO Base are investigating the deaths.  While they have few leads, investigators doubt the protest was spontaneous.

“It’s odd that all the signs had the same two fonts,” said a Sherman official who wished to remain anonymous.  “It’s also odd that the same organizing message appeared on 12 different worlds at the same time.  We’re treating this as a case of Astroturf Manslaughter.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said he wasn’t in Village Hall:

“He’s a part-time mayor, and he knows better than to risk infecting essential village staff.  Thank you for calling the Village of Palatine.  Yes, your request requires a permit.  Yes, you will have to pay a fee.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Schwantz said, “This message is for Mr. Hotel.  We got the Pez Dispensers!  Our blue men and red men love them.  Thank you for saving me from kissing an orange!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to host Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar begs Trump not to detonate a nuclear bomb over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook residents report seeing an apparition of Mayor Lori Lightfoot
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/19/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Alien reporters flock to Chicagoland (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Klizgot, a reporter from Glot, an interstellar news agency, walks along the empty streets of The Promenade Bolingbrook with her cameraperson, Bloz.  Both are wearing human suits. Klizgot narrates:

“This was once the social and commercial center of Bolingbrook, home of the famous Clow UFO Base.  Now it is nearly abandoned.  The residents shelter at home to avoid being infected by the COVID-19 virus.  Bolingbrook’s leaders, like others on Earth, struggle to keep the pandemic under control.  Meanwhile, a death cult uses online and cable networks to spread their propaganda to lure—”

“You two are standing too close to each other!”  A woman yells, holding a bag of carryout from Mora Asian Kitchen.

“We are human reporters covering the great filter event.”

“Spreading fake news isn’t an essential business!  I’m telling (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) on all of you!”

Alien reporters from across the Virgo Cluster are flocking to Earth’s major cities to cover the Coronavirus pandemic.  Their organizations have established a base camp in Palatine, near Rob Sherman UFO Base.

“The Media camp is administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth,” said Palatine Village Reid Ottesen.  “They’re making sure that only visitors that are immune to the Coronavirus are allowed to land.  They also told me that the tunnels have their own immune system and the virus doesn’t stand a chance.  I wish they would give us the technology to do that, but the Commonwealth says humanity still has to prove it’s worth.”

Inside the camp, the alien equivalents of news actors broadcast stories about the pandemic.  Most wonder if human civilization is about to encounter “The Great Filter.”  Most alien scholars describe it as the point at which a planetary civilization collapses or evolves into an interstellar civilization.

Nazoo, a reporter for Novacore News Agency, explained: “In human terms, imagine a bird jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon.  It will either flap its wings and fly, or it will plummet to its death.  It’s sad watching civilizations fail, but it’s also uplifting to watch the ones that survive.”

Like Earth’s media companies, the interstellar outlets feature pundits debating each other.  On one show, two aliens debated if humanity should be allowed to die:

“We can’t just keep watching species go extinct,” said the first alien.  “We have the power to save species like humans.  Our inaction is criminal.”

“Illogical,” said the second alien.  “The only thing that must be preserved is the economy.  This virus will purge Earth’s economy of its human infestation, and allow it to function efficiently.  No longer will the economy be bound to serving human needs.  It will finally achieve perfection, and we must not interfere.”

Plazego, a popular interstellar news personality, has been delivering monologs about Chicagoland’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic.  One of her recent ones dealt with Bolingbrook.  She concluded by saying:

“So Roger broadcasts that Bolingbrook is not a police state, that he’s doing the best he can, which he probably is, and we shouldn’t discuss local politics.  Yet in the same speech, he gets mad at people criticizing him, mentions Trump, then mentions a mysterious political email survey which angers him even more.  And you know when Roger’s angry, his supporters get angry.  Which would make the end of his speech…sound…Political?  Like he’s trying to make residents angry at his opponents and more likely to support his candidates in the next election?  Maybe.  And while this is happening, the Great Filter moves closer to Bolingbrook.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned!”

After the broadcast, Plazego said: “I love Rachel Maddow.”

The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You guys always say that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, the Babbler will exist.  So I guess Bolingbrook isn’t dead yet.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m working my (expletive deleted) off dealing with this pandemic.  What are you guys doing?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “I’m here to tell our first responders that Giamanco Law Partners is offering them $10,000 in free legal services.”

“Michael?  I”m sure you can top that.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “I’m promoting local businesses with my Bolingbrook Strong initiative!  Because it’s always important to shop during a major national crisis.”

“That’s the Republican way!”

“And I’m going to announce a contact-less Easter Egg hunt, which will bring the community together.”

“Let me guess,” said Jaskiewicz, “you’re going to use drones that children can control from their homes?”

“You’re so negative,” replied Carpanzano.  “This event will take place indoors!”

After several moments of silence, Jaskiewicz said: “You’re right.  I can’t top that.”

Before Klizgot and Bloz returned to Palatine, they interviewed a video blogger standing outside of NCH hospital in Arlington Heights.

Klizgot questioned why the blogger claimed NCH had no COVID-19 cases when that clearly isn’t true.

“There is no truth,” replied the blogger.  “There are only views, and my views are through the roof since I started posting about this fake virus.”

“But people are dying,” said Klzgot.

“People die all the time,” the blogger replied.  “Triggering liberals is special, and I can’t wait to post this video.”

“Did you go inside?  Because we’ve been inside.”

“My viewers don’t need me to go inside to know the truth.  They don’t want to believe the government, and I provide them with alternative facts to affirm their beliefs.”

“The government says Ricin is poisonous.  Do your followers believe it isn’t?”

“Well it is natural, so it can’t be bad.  Hey!  That will be a future video.  Maybe this time Donald Trump will post a link to my channel.  Thanks!”

Klizgot then turns towards the camera:  “As humanity approaches the Great Filter, there are humans risking their lives for the survival of their civilization, but they’re up against members of a militant death cult.   Will humanity survive, or humanity’s orange god of death get his sacrifice?  Keep watching to find out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force confiscates toilet paper from Meijer
Skeptics arrested for attempted anti-homeopathy protest
Alien treated for cable news overdose
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.”

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.