Village of Bolingbrook slashes covert budget (Fiction)


Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Despite disaster relief funds from the Illuminati, the Bolingbrook Village Board approved a drastically reduced covert budget for the fiscal year 2021.

The vote was 5-1 with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order, objecting to the Illuminati’s aid terms:

“This bailout gives the Illuminati part ownership of Clow UFO Base for at least 100 years.  Even if the residents elect a New World order slate, the Illuminati will still have a stake in Clow.”

“That board could vote to remove the Illuminati’s ownership stake,” replied Mayor Roger Claar.  “And don’t call it a bailout.  Call it a disaster relief grant.”

“Then if the board voted to remove their ownership stake, their relief grant becomes a high-interest loan, and the interest payments alone would bankrupt both our budgets.”

“Not my problem, Dabrowski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

The approved budget furloughs 99 percent of Clow UFO Base’s staff; cuts the Department of Paranormal Affairs’ funding by 50 percent; cuts the Department of Interstellar Affairs by 40 percent; and eliminates village funded pensions for covert employees.  Employees will have the option of signing up for an Illuminati managed pension.  Additionally, all android doubles of the village board members will be placed in storage for at least a year.

“Let’s face it,” said Claar.  “We’re probably going to be doing most of our meetings online for at least a year.  The whole point of having android doubles was to allow my trustees to spend time with their families while the androids voted with me.  Since we’re all at home now, It’s cheaper to put them in storage.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “I’m going to miss controlling my android, but we have to set a positive example.  This virus is more dangerous than the flu!  I don’t care what the bad Facebook groups say.”

“While they’re being negative,” added Trustee Michael Carpanzano,  “I’m secretly working on a plan to reopen every business in the village— Because we have to stay Bolingbrook strong!”

“You never pass up an opportunity to attach your name to something,” said Jaskiewicz.

Carpanzano held up a rubber carp to his webcam for a few seconds then set it down.

“Even Bob is silent when confronted with my positivity!”

“Wow.  You just carped me again.”

“Silence is bliss!”

Ghost hunting license fees will also be doubled.

“I promised not to raise taxes on residents,” said Claar.  “I didn’t say anything about not raising fees.”

Claar warned that there could be more cuts in the future, especially if the COVID-19 pandemic lasts two years:

“The Interstellar Commonwealth has banned abductions of humans.  That’s one of Clow’s major sources of revenue.  They’ve also banned transporting humans off-world.  That’s another source of income down the drain.  They won’t lift these restrictions until the virus morphs away, or there is a vaccine.  I told them they were hurting our economy.  They said there are more important things in the universe than Earth’s economy.  Amazing, I know.  Anyway, until they change their position, there’s simply no demand for our services.”

“And it’s all Bob’s fault,” said Trustee Mary Basta.

“How?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Basta looked at a sheet of paper on her desk and then said:  “Sorry.  That was last week.  This week the Illuminati wants us to blame the Chinese government while exempting Chinese Americans from the backlash.  They keep changing our orders.”

Before the budget vote, QAnon addressed the village board on behalf of the Illuminati:

“We didn’t create this virus, but we’re grateful for the opportunities for chaos it has presented us.  Last year, I couldn’t even imagine armed protesters storming the Michigan statehouse, or someone holding up an Auschwitz sign in Illinois.  However, I’m sure the Illinois militias will appreciate it if you accept our disaster aid.

“That sounds like a threat,” said Jaskiewicz.

“I’ll give you a clue, Bob.  The best sub sandwich isn’t in a sub.”

“Huh?”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to hold zombie drill in July
Governor bans fishing on Bolingbrook’s emergency command pontoon boat
Chicago ghosts help enforce stay at home order
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/7/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.