Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base locked down after invisible alien protest (Fiction)

End the Roger Claar Dictatorship

Photo of an alien protest sign?

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar ordered a lockdown of Clow UFO Base after invisible aliens picketed in front of his re-election campaign office.

Claar made the announcement over the intercom: “All off-base passes are revoked for visitors.  All abductions are suspended.  No one gets a lawyer.  You are guilty until I say you are innocent! This is not a democracy!  This is my UFO base, and you do not protest me.  Ever!  You must follow my dictates for I am the mayor of Bolingbrook and a very important member of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

The protest started when Claar announced that all human disguises must be bought from the Melania Trump store, and be decorated with Ivanka Trump clothing.  Some aliens tried to attend a protest organized by Vote Roger Out in 2017, but they did not see any human protesters.

Okblogok decided to take matters into its’ own appendages.  “If you want a protest done right, you have to organize it yourself.”  “It” discovered that Clow had no rule against invisible nude aliens leaving the base, as long as they had a pass.  Okblogok claims to have gathered 100 aliens at one of the exits.  “It” then lead a two hour march to the campaign headquarters of Claar’s political party, Bolingbrook First.  Along the way, the aliens sang protest songs, and said chants, like “Breathe Fresh Air!  Don’t vote Claar!”

“I used to laugh at human protesters whenever they made noises.” said Okblogok.  “Now I understand why.  It gives the participants something to do, and makes them feel like part of a larger group.”

Though no humans claim to have seen the march, Ron, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have felt them.

“I was walking down the sidewalk when I bumped into something.  After I paused, something else bumped into me.  That kept happening.  So I sat down on the grass since I thought I was having an acid flashback.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nap, and the Bolingbrook Police were about to arrest me.”

Once the aliens arrived, they used an ultrahigh frequency bullhorn to call out expenditures from Claar’s campaign fund.  Most humans could not hear the aliens, but Okblogok was certain Claar and his covert employees could hear them.

“$159.88 for lunch in California?”  one protestor asked.  “You do realize that California residents can’t vote for you, right?”

Another chimed in:  “You have over $500,000 in your campaign fund.  Why aren’t you paying all of your campaign staffers?  I’ll bet Bolingbrook United has more paid staff members than you!”

Bob Langley, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base, said that the ban will be lifted, “Once we know exactly what’s going on.”  He added, “This protest was unhygienic, and if any of the invisibility cloaks had failed…. Well, it could have lead to a very embarrassing situation.”

When this reporter tried to call Claar, his receptionist said he was taking a very important phone call, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Democrats in Cook County are hosting a fundraiser for my opponent.  Can you persuade Donald Trump to help me out? Yes, Bolingbrook does have an Islamic cultural center.  We even celebrate Pakistan Day.  Um, Are you OK, Steve?  It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone do a diabolical laugh in real life.”

Melania Trump raids Clow UFO Base during Super Bowl LI (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Melania Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO Bases in the US, and an army of Illuminati agents raided Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base following the first half of Super Bowl LI

“There is no way the Falcons are leading.” Melania yelled as she crashed the Clow base.   “Someone here is cheating and I’m not leaving until I get answers!”

Zoicox, a resident of Barnard’s Star, claims she was interrogated during halftime.  “My crew wasn’t anywhere near the Super Bowl.  We didn’t pass the audition to be one of Lady Gaga’s drones, so we decided to watch the game here.  That was a mistake.”

Mrs. Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO bases in the US, marched through the bars and lounges of Clow.  She accused any crews flying near Texas as being part of an “illegal protest.”

“Donald wants to be happy, and I want him to be happy.  This protest is not making him happy!  When he’s not happy, I’m not happy.  You don’t want see me unhappy, do you?”

Mrs. Trump claimed that there were 300 aliens directly involved in the protest, and that everyone at Clow knew who they were.

She was heard to have said: “Would they go to Area 51 for you?”  “All of you are going to Area 51 unless all of you cooperate!”

JoGlo, a resident of Alpha Centauri D, said he was arrested by the Illuminati for wearing Falcons’ sports apparel.  “I liked the shirts, and I thought it would nice for Matt Ryan to finally win a Super Bowl.  Instead, I was put in restraints, and told I was being sent to Area 51.  I didn’t do anything wrong, or at least anything that warranted a live vivisection!”

Just as Lady Gaga’s halftime performance started, Mrs. Trump released the suspects.  Some eyewitnesses said that she was told that Lady Gaga was gong to perform a satanic ritual to ensure a Patriots victory.  Others say that she was told that Pro-Trump aliens were going use their technology to “undo the cheating” allegedly done by other aliens.

Melania was heard saying, “I have to get back to Donald.  My android double must be malfunctioning by now.”

After she left, many aliens stayed to watch the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.  Still, not all aliens were happy.

“I came here to have fun, and I almost died!”  said Zoicox.  “This territory is taking its anti-safe space policies too far!”

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook atheist converts to Christianity after Patriots victory
CFI Chicago to host Feline Lovers in Secularism 2
Aliens to join protest against Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/17

Web Exclusive: ‘Punch a Nazi’ clubs latest Chicagoland trend (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Bigotry)

Bob casually walked on the sidewalks of the Promenade Bolingbrook.  “Fourteen,” he said to every white young man that walks by.  Most ignored him, or replied by saying, “Fifteen,” or “Eighteen,” or “Twenty-one.”

A young man with a high and tight haircut ran up to Bob.  “I know,” he whispers.  He clears his throat.  “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”  He smiles.

Bob threw a right hook into the man’s jaw.  As he fell to the ground, Bob ran towards his motorcycle.  By the time the man stood up, Bob had speed away down Boughton Road.

Bob is member of the Bolingbrook Punch a Nazi club, one of what he claims to be a growing number of similar clubs in the Chicagoland area.  He and others claim to have been inspired by videos of a masked man punching white supremacist Richard Spencer.

“Why punch them?  Because they’re Nazis!  We fought a war against them!  We charged them with war crimes.  We watch movie heroes fight them.  We play videos games where we try to kill them.  Now you want me to be nice to them because President (Steve Bannon) is in charge?  (Expletive Deleted) you!  They can call themselves Alt-Right or Racial Realists all they want.  They’re Nazis and they started the Holocaust!  That’s all the justification I need!”

Officially, Chicagoland police departments have no record of these clubs, or of any organized attacks against white supremacists.  Unofficially, police sources claim that there are now over 100 such clubs and over 300 white supremacists/nazis have been assaulted.

“They’re spreading like a real life meme,” said one anonymous official.  “It hasn’t been this bad since the Harlem Shake epidemic.  It’s open season on Neo-Nazis.  Why can’t they just write blog posts instead of breaking the law?”

In addition to Nazis, not everyone supports the growth in the number of Punch a Nazi clubs in Chicagoland.

Paul X. Klein, a spokesperson for the <insert name> group, says punching Nazis doesn’t work.  “Cracked has a great article about this.  They’re the greatest skeptical publication out there.  Anyway, I’ll paraphrase.  Richard Spencer and his friends want you to hit them.  It does three things.  It creates the public perception that they’re victims and makes the other side look like criminals.  It also strengthens the resolve of other neo-Nazis.  They see themselves as the defenders of Western Civilization against a violent horde.  Attacking them confirms their biases, and you don’t want that.  Finally, do you really want a criminal record? Assault is illegal.”

“Besides,” added Natalie, who refused to give her last name, “Nazis and Communists fought each other during the Weimar Republic era. You remember how that turned out.  Instead, we think the best way to fight them is to have a rational conversation with them.”

In the front of the meeting room, skeptic Earl and Stormfront forum member Hektor, began to debate. Members of Bolingbrook skeptics watched.

Earl, wearing a pirate outfit and a pasta colander on his head, concluded his opening statement.  “There is no such thing as biological human races.  We are all members of one human species that is connected to all animal species, and we are made of star-stuff, as Carl Sagan used to say.  There are more important things to hate, like homeopathy.”

Hektor started his speech.  “Many years ago, I wouldn’t have been allowed here.  Today, you guys have proven that my ideas are worthy of debate.  If you look past the cultural Marxism that dominates science literature, and only look at the real science, you’ll see that races are real.  If the white race is to survive, we need to filter out the all the defective genes.”  Hektor walked up to Earl, followed by a man holding a video camera.  “Especially the genes that James Randi carries!”  Hektor then pointed at his chin.

Earl turned red.  He then closed his eyes and repeatedly said, “I am awesomely rational.  I am rationally awesome.”

A member of the Skokie Punch a Nazi club, who asked to be called Elton, disagrees with the Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Education can work, like the Illinois Holocaust Museum, but we have to do more.  Nathan Hevenstone has it right:  People in this country who call for any kind of ethnic cleansing shouldn’t feel safe.  They think Trump will protect them, but they’re wrong.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my activism. Go read Stephanie’s post.”

Elton walked around Old Orchard Mall, occasionally yelling, “Down with the Z.O.G!”

After several moments, a man runs up to Elton and points to his Pepe pin.

“I hate the Zionist Occupational Government of Skokie so—”

Elton hit him in the mouth with an elbow, then ran away.  The man fell to the ground and spit out some of his teeth.  “My perfect aryan teeth!” he cried.

A police officer walked up to him.  “Arrest that man.  He attacked a pure white American.  He attacked me because I disagree with the existence of Jews!”

The officer pulled out a notepad.  “I will, but after I write you a ticket for littering.”

Natalie feels that while violence against bigotry is necessary sometimes, it should only be used as a last resort.  “As long as we can protest, organize community groups, post on social media, and vote, we owe it to ourselves to try those options first.  Like my martial arts teacher used to say, the best brawl is no brawl.  Because once you turn to violence, so many things can go wrong.”

Sources: American Atheists to relaunch Atheist TV as Atheist TV+ (Fiction)

Atheist TV +

Is this the new logo for Atheist TV?

Atheist TV will be relaunched, state sources with relatives of acquaintances connected to the staff.

One source, who asked to be called Steve, explained.  “We kind of dropped the ball the first time we launched Atheist TV.  We were mostly showing old videos.  You can’t build a network around that.  Even TV Land has original programs.  We hit a low point when a Vice reporter made fun of our launch party.”

Another source, who asked to be called Mandy, explained what the new approach to Atheist TV will be: “We need to be more like Netflix.  That means more original programing.  Original stuff will draw new viewers who will then check out the old videos. That will be a plus for all atheists.”

The sources agreed that Atheist TV, which will be rebranded as Atheist TV+, will initially be anchored by five programs. Three of these will be brand new.  The two established programs will be Atheist Talk and The Atheist Experience.  Atheist Talk will be a live simulcast of the radio program.  The Atheist Experience will be a special live Sunday stream.  The Atheist Experience will also maintain its current schedule, according to the sources.

The three new shows, which will be funded by an anonymous donor, will be a talk show, a drama, and a reality TV series.

[Read more…]

Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”

Aliens observe Women’s March on Chicago (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Women and women marching.  Above them, a UFO has the text, "There is intelligent life on Earth!"

Enhanced photo of a UFO over the Women’s March on Chicago. (William Brinkman)

In addition to an estimated 250,000 humans, aliens also attended the Women’s March on Chicago.

Chicago’s Orange Squad, which deals with paranormal activity in Chicago, reported no arrests or disturbances.  One source said: “Everyone played by the rules.  Only the aliens with low-altitude permits flew over the march.  The marchers didn’t riot.  Maybe if we treat other protest organizers with the same respect as we did the Women’s March organizers, all them would be peaceful.  Why aren’t you laughing?”

Zo Goop, who runs a flyover service out of Clow UFO Base, was pleased with the march.  “With the election, I was worried that humanity was starting to revert to the barbarism and bigotry from over 70 Earth orbits ago.  Seeing so many people out there gave me hope.  President Trump will be a step backwards for humanity, but I have hope that humanity will someday move forward.”

Po Zoe, a resident of Wolf 1061c, was even more enthusiastic.  “There is intelligent life on Earth after all.”

Some aliens, like Gar Zeb, mingled among the crowd.  “I liked the free snacks the socialist parties were handing out,” she said.  “But it was hard to hear the speakers or see the stage.  I heard they were only planning for 50,000 people and 200,000 more showed up.  Maybe if they had also used the People’s Mic, like they did at Occupy, more people would have gotten the message.”

Additionally, there were so many people that the organizers had to cancel the march and turn the event into a rally.  Zeb was disappointed, but understood: “When I navigated through the crowd, I came upon groups doing their own chants and speeches.  It was like attending several rallies at once.  My human suit was damaged, but the experience was worth it!”

Zex Splen, from Kepler-452B, complained that the marches had to happen at all.  “Five orbits ago, I was going to donate to the Democratic Party, because they support women’s rights on this continent.  But no!  My New World Order representative told me that women were going to be fine.  Hillary Clinton was going to be the next President.  So I did what they said, and donated to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  I come back to find the JREF is no more, the NWO is at war with the Illuminati, and someone wearing a poorly painted human suit is humiliating Hillary.  Instead of moving forward, women are about to be consumed by a black hole of masculinity.  I feel ripped off.  This time I’m investing in feminist groups, and I hope I’m not too late!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bears fans cheer as Satan stops the Packers’s winning streak
Melania Trump appoints Mayor Roger Claar as her Illinois Illuminati Liaison
Lisle trees celebrate unusually warm weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/17

The GoFundMe page for the defendants of Richard Carrier’s lawsuit is live (Out of Character)

As many readers of Freethought Blogs are aware, Dr. Richard Carrier is suing Freethought Blogs, and others, over the reporting of allegations of inappropriate behavior.  A GoFundMe page has been set up to help cover the legal costs of FtB and for all but one of the defendants. See below.

From the GoFundMe Page:

Dr. Richard Carrier is suing us for reporting  on his well-known allegations of misconduct. These allegations were widely reported on throughout the community, including by third-parties critical and sympathetic to him who are not themselves defendants.

This lawsuit has all the hallmarks of a SLAPP suit — a lawsuit filed to stifle legitimate criticism and commentary. The named defendants are Skepticon, The Orbit, and Freethought Blogs – as well as individuals Lauren Lane, the lead organizer of Skepticon; Stephanie Zvan, a blogger for The Orbit; PZ Myers, a blogger for Freethought Blogs; and Amy Frank-Skiba, who publicly posted her first-hand allegations against Carrier.

We need your help to keep our voices alive. All the defendants are represented by the same attorney, First Amendment lawyer Marc Randazza. Randazza is providing his services at a significant discount, but we are not asking him to work for free. Plus, there are thousands of dollars in “costs” for the case that don’t include legal bills, and there is no way to discount those. In order to continue fighting this lawsuit, we, the defendants of this case, have put together this campaign to raise money to defray our costs, some of which is outstanding. Donations will be used only for this case. In the event that the funds raised exceed our legal bills, they will be donated to Planned Parenthood .

We are pooling our defense costs with Skepticon, however as a 501(c)3 non-profit Skepticon is also conducting its own fundraiser where donations may be tax-deductible (ask your tax advisor). Skepticon cannot use donations it receives to help pay the shares of other individuals or organizations, though, and any excess funds raised via their campaign will go to the Skepticon conference fund.

We are confident that the court will uphold our First Amendment rights. But, through time, stress, and of course financial expense, every case like this has a chilling effect. Your support enables us to fight, and creates a warmer environment – not just for us but for others in the future.

Thank you for your support of freedom of speech, and may your new year be powerful and effective!

-Amy Frank-Skiba

-Lauren Lane

-PZ Myers

-Stephanie Zvan

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook United and other parties respond to the 2017 State of the Village speech (Mixed)

Each year, we ask all of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s annual State of the Village address.  For the first time in years, we received a response from a party that’s actually on the ballet, Bolingbrook United.  We also received responses from The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, Our Party, and the Skepchick Party.

Bolingbrook United

(Out of character:  The statement from the Bolingbrook United Party is real and unedited.)

Bolingbrook Babbler,

Thank you for the opportunity to address your readers regarding the Mayor’s 2017 State of the Village address.

Unity, community and transparency, these are the core values of our party and they are the characteristics we plan to bring to Bolingbrook Village government.  For far too long our local government leaders have drifted from these values as they have cut special deals for the well connected (such as a $350,000 break on rent for the owner of the ice arena), ostracized members of our community (by holding a Donald Trump fundraiser at a Village owned facility) and misrepresented and hid information from residents.  They claim they are transparent but they fail to post salary information regarding Village employees, a requirement under state law.

While many community and business leaders were present at the State of the Village address last week, the ticket price of $70 to attend alone put the event beyond the reach of many residents and the fact that it is held in the middle of the day when most people work makes the event inaccessible for the average person.  Those who attended were able to hear a summary from the mayor about things that the Village has accomplished over the course of his political career (which was atypical for a State of the Village address) and about what is planned for 2017. In addition, Mr. Claar spent a substantial amount of time reacting to those critical of him and responding to sentiments and articles found on a Facebook page called “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.” Contrary to Mr. Claar’s assertions, the Bolingbrook United candidates have nothing to do with the “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017” Facebook page and do not endorse it.  Moreover, we found it odd that a 30-year politician would do this when the event was intended to be about the Village, NOT his campaign.

What was glaringly missing was any substance regarding the massive debt incurred under Mr. Claar’s leadership (currently $313,450,000) and how he plans to deal with it.  Unfortunately, and in accordance with the response to a FOIA request we received yesterday, we now know why he failed to address it—there is no plan.  The Village, facing more debt than Naperville’s 162 million and Romeoville’s 89 million combined, has never approved a formal or informal plan to pay back that debt.  The Village also lacks any strategic plan for the future.  In the meantime, our bond ratings continue to drop costing millions more in interest payments from residents while our mayor draws three salaries totaling over $142,000, plus benefits, and has guaranteed salary increases during his political employment.

We love Bolingbrook and all that it offers.  Residents and businesses have worked tirelessly to develop and improve upon our Village.

As we move forward we believe Village government should care for all residents, not just the well connected. It should never alienate members of the community as it has.  We believe Village government should always serve the people – not the other way around.  We also believe the Village government should plan for the future and stop using the Village credit card to run up debt without any plan to pay it off.

Bolingbrook United

[Read more…]

Russian operatives canvas for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Unaffected by the cold weather, dozens of Russian operatives descended upon Bolingbrook to canvas for Mayor Roger Claar’s re-election campaign.

Their coordinator, who asked to be called Albert, insisted that they were there without Claar’s knowledge, but were sure he would appreciate their help.  They cited the Trump fundraiser Claar organized for then candidate Donald Trump as the reason for supporting him. “Roger helped our candidate Trump win.  That makes Roger our friend.  We will help our friend win in return.”  They said they were not trying to “hack the election“, but provide “positive information about Roger and the Keeping Bolingbrook First Party, while providing unflattering information about Jackie Traynere, and Bolingbrook United.

Albert allowed the Babbler’s reporters to accompany his team as they canvassed Bolingbrook.  Each team seemed to have information about each household they visited.  Albert insisted the information wasn’t from state-sponsored hacking but from Facebook Quizzes that all residents knowingly took.

At one house, a canvasser called Anna, introduced herself and asked, “You like Bolingbrook, yes?”

The resident replied, “Yes.  I’ve lived here for over thirty years, and it’s never been better.”

“Keeping Bolingbrook First made that possible.  You want to keep Bolingbrook first, right?”

“Absolutely.  I will vote to keep to keep Bolingbrook first.”

Next door, Igor introduced himself and said, “Bolingbrook hasn’t been good lately, no?”

The resident replied, “No.  I’ve lived here most of my life, and it’s changed too much.  It seems like there are too many Section 8 residents, if you know what I mean.”

“What if I told you that that Jackie is the mayor of Bolingbrook—“

“Lock her up!  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”

“No problem.  What if I told you that Roger wants to be mayor so he can put Bolingbrook first?”

“Roger?  I like the sound of that name, if you know what I mean.”

At another home, a resident, who asked only to be identified as Jane, insisted that she couldn’t vote for Claar.

“He uses his campaign fund to supplement his lifestyle and rewards many of his donors with village contracts!  He’s also running up our debt.  I can’t vote for him!”

Ana replied.  “But Jackie does not support using village funds to give every resident a universal income.   She won’t provide universal health care to all village residents.  She won’t ban all cars from Bolingbrook.  She’s never called for a workers’ uprising!”

“(Expletive deleted)!  If Jackie won’t give me exactly what I want, then I won’t vote for anyone!”  She slammed the door.

“We are happy with that.”  Ana replied.

Albert defended his team’s tactics.  “We give you good news, and Bolingbrook does not question good news.  You follow strong mayor who follows strong President who follows strong Putin.  You will be rewarded.  Question good news and you will end up like Hillary Clinton.”

In addition to canvassing for Claar, Albert said that Russia will launch two “pro-Roger” websites:  Roger Today and Explorer 1.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was doing a teleconference with the White House, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t like the media either, but I don’t know if using this foreign word will help us.”

Bolingbrook United could not be reached for comment.

Also in this week’s Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet Ice Attack
Sources:  No Trump Tower in Bolingbrook
Aliens leaving Bolingbrook ahead of Trump inauguration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/17.

The Babbler moves to Freethought Blogs! (Fiction)

By Jenna OlsonUFO

Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

After ten wonderful years at Blogger, we’ve decided it was time to move our blog to a new home. There were many group blogs that would have accepted us, but we decided to join Freethought Blogs.

At first, that might seem like a mistake. We believe in God, cover the paranormal, and know that Bolingbrook, IL is the home of the largest urban UFO base in the world, Clow UFO Base. Bloggers at FtB are atheists, promote extreme skepticism, and think Clow International Airport is hardly worth mentioning. Digital Cuttlefishes aside, it seems like there is no room here for a blog that rejects the narrow materialist viewpoint the secret societies impose on us.

The truth is that we belong here at FtB. Since 1965, we’ve rejected conventional thinking and all dogmas. Our politics may have changed over the years, but we have always believed in fairness and justice. Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and we welcome and embrace that diversity. Today, parts of the world call out for social justice, and we are happy to be bards for the cause. Some skeptics claim that FtB is a bubble where only certain atheistic views are allowed. We’re here to burst that bubble and deliver the unbelievable truth to both the fans and hate-readers.

Finally, we belong here because we are at a turning point in history. The election of Donald Trump marked the start of a war between the New World Order and the resurgent Illuminati. Who we are as US citizens, and the fate of humanity, may depend on how all of us respond to the challenges of the next four years. To continue to provide the unbelievable truth in the new and dangerous world, we have to form new alliances. We may have many disagreements with the bloggers here, but we agree with their vision of a fair and just world. God help us, because we will help them.

So we hope you will join us every week. We will feature one article from our weekly printed edition. We also hope to add some exclusive content for readers here. Maybe you will never accept our stories as true, but if any of articles make you think, or inspire you to work for a better world, then we will consider that a success.