Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)


Note:  This article is from the Rochelle Reader, our sister publication in Rochelle, IL.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resumed their attacks against each other during their debate at Hub 35 UFO Base:

“My opponent wants a revolution,” said Clinton.  “You know, when I think of revolutions, I think of Mao, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot!  As the great philosopher John Lennon once said, ‘You can count me out!’ ”

Sanders countered: “When I think of revolution, I think of George Washington, Gandhi, Emma Goldman, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  Incidentally, I would have marched ahead of Dr. King if there weren’t so many people blocking my way!”

Clinton later said that she accepted responsibility for her Electoral College defeat. Next, she proceeded to blame Russia, James Comey, the media, Saturday Night Live, the Green Party, The Young Turks, Sanders, and the Illuminati.

“Since the 1980s, the Illuminati have chosen each major party’s nominee; then the New World Order proceeds to influence the general election.  When the Illuminati selected Donald Trump, I thought they were handing me the presidency.  I didn’t realize they were actually plotting to overthrow the New World Order and unleash chaos upon the world.”

Sanders agreed, then counterattacked: “If you had just campaigned in Wisconsin, you could have overpowered the Illuminati’s spells, and won.  I supported you in the general election, and you not only let the world down, but you also let the galaxy down.  We were on the verge of being invited to the Galactic Commonwealth, and now Trump is considering closing off all contact with our Interstellar Comrades.”

Clinton snapped back: “You didn’t support me until you forced me to put your imaginary ponies in the Democratic platform.  Before you finally endorsed me, your supporters protested on the floor of the convention and reminded moderates of the 1968 convention.  Then you refused to have me nominated by acclamation.  You cost me the election!”

“You cost yourself the election when the Democratic National Committee worked with the Illuminati to defeat me.  I should have won the nomination, and I could have stopped the Illuminati uprising.”

Clinton laughed.  “I won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, and I would have won more states if it weren’t for the caucus states.  I’m sorry, but my supporters don’t want to be in a room with men threatening to throw chairs at them.”

“Winning the popular vote did a lot of good for you.”

When members of the interstellar press asked how they each wanted to move forward,  each offered a different path.  Sanders said he would fight for full membership in the Commonwealth, pass his version of single payer health care, and focus on the working class:

“The Democrats have focused too much on petty differences.  Who cares if you are LBGXYZ?  Who cares what color your skin is?  The only thing that matters is having a social safety net like the rest of Europe.  Then we can aspire to be protected by the Interstellar Commonwealth.  It’s time to think bold!  We are one human race.”

Clinton shook her head.  “Socialism doesn’t fix bigotry.  Just look at the rise of the far right in Europe.  We should not surrender our party’s values to please a basket full of deplorable Trump supporters.  I’m proud to support minorities, even if I used to call some of their children superpredators.

Clinton said that she was out of politics, but would work within the New World Order to restore international institutions, support the international cover up of intelligent life in the universe, and to work with Republicans to build a “balanced international economy.”

“I firmly believe that you should learn to jump off a diving board before you try to jump off Mount Everest.  My opponent wants to jump off Mount Everest blindfolded and holding two feathers.”

After the debate, Sanders hosted a free meet and greet, where deli items were served. Clinton attended an exclusive party where she met with interstellar leaders, and business leaders.

Oklogot, a reporter from the Komkket system, was not pleased with the debate:

“Trump is going to win a second term, and Earth will suffer an environmental disaster. There are no political parties on a dead planet.”