Web Exclusive: Illuminati celebrates Mayor Claar’s re-election (Fiction)

The Illuminati kept its hold on Bolingbrook as Mayor Roger Claar defeated New World Order backed challenger, Jackie Traynere, by 151 votes.  The win means the Illuminati will maintain in control of Clow UFO Base.

Shortly after Traynere conceded, Claar addressed an Illuminati victory party in a hidden room at Lou Malnati’s in Bolingbrook:

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The Cook County Democrats and their Bolingbrook United puppets just learned a valuable lesson: Nothing conquers my campaign fund!  I had to spend over $235,000 dollars for this victory!  It was worth it, don’t you agree?”

Claar added that media outlets considered the race a referendum on President Trump’s performance.

“I guess Trump is doing just fine,”  Claar said.

Village Clerk Carol Penning, who narrowly won re-election herself, was especially happy.

“Our opponents wanted to conduct an audit.  Well, we’re going to do our own audit, if you know what I mean.”

Trustee Michael Lawler later walked up to the podium and held up a glass of what appeared to be orange juice, but was actually a screwdriver. “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty for more!”

Trustee Maria Zarate thanked the crowd and promised to keep doing her best to “illuminate Bolingbrook.”

Defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts delivered an emotional concession speech: “It pains me to be the first member of Roger’s slate to lose in the 21st Century.  I will take some comfort knowing that Roger is still Bolingbrook!”

Claar again addressed the crowd. He promised them that: “Watts would return, once the next step on the Illuminated Path is complete.”

Claar also had another promise: “Those of you who truly support me will never know thirst.  Ford!”

At an undisclosed location, members of the New World Order celebrated Robert Jaskiewicz’s victory, making him the first opposition candidate elected to Bolingbrook in the 21st Century.  The crowd chanted “Bolingbrook’s for Bob” as he approached the podium.

“To the nearly half of voters who voted against Roger, I say that you now have a voice on the Village Board.  It would have been nice to have company on the board, but we’ll take what we can and build on it.”  He added: “For decades, the New World Order helped Roger build Bolingbrook.  He betrayed us for the fake Illuminati.  Roger, I look forward to working with you, but my mission is clear.  I’m going to put Bolingbrook back in order.  If you know what I mean.”

Fascist aliens launch surprise attack on Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.

Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot.  This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook!  It failed!”

The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park.  Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy.  Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley.  You know what to do!”

The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.

Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack.  “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech.  Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me.  He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”

That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies.  Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers.  There were no deaths.

At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook.  One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.

George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club.  “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air.  My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true.  Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs.  Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later.  It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’  I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting.  I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”

Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.

Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.

“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer.  “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship.  I was the first human they tried to punch.  Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit.  I asked them why they wanted to punch humans.  One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back.  Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior.  I asked if he had ever used it on himself.  He did.  Then he made a weird facial expression.  He scanned his fellow fascists too.  This is the weird part.  They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie.  They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up.  Then they flew away.”

Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.

“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”

Brown then issued a warning.  “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook.  We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17

Chicagoland’s Science March locations (Out of Character)

The Science March will be held on April, 22, which organizers describe as, “(The) first step of a global movement to defend the vital role science plays in our health, safety, economies, and governments.”  The main march will be in Washington, DC.  Below are the Chicagoland satellite marches:

Chicago:  Rally starts at 10:00 am.  Enter Columbus Dr. from Congress Pkwy.  The rally stage will be on Columbus Dr., just south of E. Jackson Dr.  The march will start at 12:00 PM from the stage and go to the Museum Campus, where there will be an expo.

Palatine: Marchers will gather at the Palatine Library in Room 1 at 11:00 am.  March is expected to begin around 11:20 am.

Links to other marches around the world can be found here.

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”

Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”

Reza Aslan filmed the lost “Flying Spaghetti Monster” episode in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Is Bolingbrook a holy village for some followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Eyewitnesses, and a recovered transcript, confirm that Reza Aslan filmed an episode of Believer in Bolingbrook about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“I know we have a lot of churches here,” said eyewitness Blake Q. Sampson, “But I never thought of Bolingbrook as a spiritual place.  He said it is, and how can I argue with him?”

Other eyewitness saw him walking around the Promenade, being recorded eating various pasta dishes.

Anwar, who asked that we not use his last name, overheard one of the taping sessions.  “I was going to say hi to him after the taping.  Then when the camera started rolling, he said, ‘I had to be open minded to the possibility that the universe was created by a drunk deity.’  When he put a pasta colander on his head, I quietly walked away.”

Other eyewitnesses claim to have seen Aslan on one of the islands of Whalon Lake, meditating while wearing a pirate outfit.

Officially, the Flying Spaghetti Monster started in 2005 as satirical character meant to criticize creationism.  It has since become a quasi-religion that is recognized in the Netherlands and New Zealand. Most followers do not believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti, but enjoy following Pastafarian customs.  Bolingbrook is not mentioned on the official web page, and has no special significance among mainstream followers.

However, sources say there is a splinter sect that believes Bolingbrook is a holy site, Jacob, who claims to have worked on Believer, said that this sect is the reason Aslan came to Bolingbrook.

“You know we can’t do an episode without a feature on an obscure religious faction,” he said.

Jacob provided a partial transcript, which describes a dramatic confrontation:

Voiceover: Mockery!  Parody!  Contempt!  Is this the future promised by the anti-theists?  I was starting to feel hopeless.

(Aslan reading an e-mail.)

Voiceover:  Then I received a message.  Was what I was searching for to be found in Illinois?

(Shots of Bolingbrook, IL)

Voiceover:  Bolingbrook.  A village of over 70,000 people.  The contradiction already appealed to me.  Sam X. Clarence’s e-mail said that his sect believed that this is a holy village.  I had to find out.  I met Sam outside the Church of Christopher Hitchens, a combination bar and atheist community center in Bolingbrook).

Clarence (wearing a pirate outfit):  Arrr!

Aslan:  You really take this seriously!

Clarence:  You will too, once I reveal the truth!  Come inside.

Voiceover:  As I walked toward the bar, I felt a malevolent presence touch my soul.  It seemed to affect all the patrons as well.

(Shots of patrons glaring at Aslan.)

Patron:  Waitress?  Can you put some bacon fat in my beer?  And can you give me a pen so I can draw a picture of Muhammad?

(They sit at a table.)

Aslan:  So you believe that the church’s teachings are incorrect?

Clarence:  I know they are!  I’ll tell you the story.  In 1976, a Chicago Tribune journalist visited Bolingbrook.  He called his wife to say he loved her, then vanished.  Never to be seen again.  I found his last message.

(Clarence places laminated papers on the table)

Clarence:  It’s remarkably similar to The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Loose Cannon.  It was written in 1976.  1976!  That proves the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real!

Aslan:  You also said that there are differences between what is in this document, and what is taught in mainline Pastafarianism.

Clarence:  Yes.Yes!  You see, in this work, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a god-like creature, not God!  Evolution is real!  The Earth really is billions of years old!  Do you know who she really is?

Aslan:  She?

Clarence:  She is the first atheist in the universe.  She is a transcendent being.  Atheism opened the gateway to higher dimensions!  Do you know what this means?

Aslan:  No?

Clarence:  Atheism is more than the mere lack of belief in gods!

(A tray crashes on the floor.  Both turn.  A waitress is staring at them.  Her eyes widen as she points at them.)

Waitress:  Atheism Plus!

(Angry patrons stand and glare at them.)

Crew member:  Save the equipment!

(Cut to outside the bar.)

Manager:  Don’t you ever bring your heresy in here again.  Get your act together or you will spend an eternity drinking stale beer from the beer volcano and your strippers will have STDs!  The New Pastament: An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife!

Clarence:  You mention the strippers.  In Blag Hag—

Manager:  How dare you quote the Blag Hag at me?

Clarence:  What?  You honestly believe that a college student created Boobquake by herself?  That miraculous event proved that she was touched by her noodly appendages—

Manager:  His noodly appendages!

Clarence:  Her noodly appendages!

Manage:  His!

Clarence:  Hers!

(They keep repeating.)

Voiceover:  As they argued doctrine,  I felt a new presence overcome me.  Could it be that out of the hate and mockery promoted by New Atheism, a new theism arose?  The thought moved me so much that it brought me, a devout muslim to say—

Aslan:  Ramen!

(The crowd stops arguing and silently stares at Aslan.)

Though the episode is complete, Jacob says it will not be aired.

“We later found out that there are only five members of this sect.  We were kind of pushing it when we featured the independent sects of Scientology.  There was no way we could broadcast this episode without being laughed at.”

Jacob is hopeful that some parts of the episode will be available in the future.  “Next season, we’re doing a show on humanism.  We’re going to argue that religious humanism is the wave of the future.  Who knows? We might come back to film services at the Ethical Humanist Society, Beth Chaverim, and Kol Hadash.”

Also in the Babbler:

Jared Kushner will meet with Mayor Claar ‘the day after peace comes to the Middle East’
Northern Will County Agency considers bringing Lake Superior water to Bolingbrook
Aliens divert astroid from hitting Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/14/17

Election fallout! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report (Fiction)

The results from the municipal election 4, 2017 municipal election are still sending shockwaves around Chicagoland.  The following is a special report on the stories the mainstream media are not covering.

Priory of Sion sends more election observers to Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

With the Bolingbrook election down to valid provisional ballots and absentee ballots, the Priory of Sion’s electoral monitoring team summoned more observers.  The winner of the mayoral race will determine whether the Illuminati or the New World Order will control Clow UFO Base.

“We have been entrusted by the New World Order and the Illuminati to make sure this is a fair election,”  said high observer Rene Fludd.  “With the vote count this close, and the stakes so high, we would rather have too many observers, than too few.”

The current vote tally has Mayor Roger Claar, a member of the Bolingbrook First party, ahead by 102 votes over Bolingbrook United candidate Jackie Traynere.  Claar officially switched allegiance to the Illuminati following Donald Trump’s victory in November.  Traynere is allied with the New World Order.

“We know that there are people who will try to fool us,” said Fludd.  “Just remember, we are the people who convinced Christians that Jesus died on the cross, and fooled atheists into believing that Jesus never existed.  It is not so easy to trick us.”

Traynere could not be reached for comment.

The receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke: “Looks like we’re going to be losing Trustee Sheldon Watts and Bolingbrook United will gain Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz.”

“Is that bad?”  Asked someone.

“Yes, but I have a plan for the next term.  We’ll keep doing what we always do and if something goes wrong, we’ll blame Bob.  Agree with me.”

“We agree,” replied the group.

Admins of anti-Claar Facebook page granted asylum in Florida 

Sources say the admins of the Facebook group Vote Roger Claar out in 2017 fled Bolingbrook following’s Claar apparent victory.  They also say the admins have been granted asylum in Little Bolingbrook, a community hidden somewhere in Florida.

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, explained why they left: “Roger is a very powerful mayor with a temper.  Unless you’re a competent lawyer or a politician with lots of connections, he can make your life hell.  My friends just couldn’t take that chance.”

Little Bolingbrook was founded in the 1990s by former politicians, business owners, and activists who tried to defeat Claar but failed.  It is unknown how many former Bolingbrook residents live there, but estimates range from 1 to 1000.

Little Bolingbrook Mayor Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea released the following statement: The admins of this Facebook group are safe behind our city’s gates.  Roger’s evil hands cannot touch them here.  His hit and run trustee cannot drive here.  His slanderous trustees, who accuse us of investigating a school board member to death, have no platform here.  The admins will stay here until 2021 when they will return to post about the election that will finally bring down Roger.  Then I will return in 2025 to destroy Bolingbrook United and assume my rightful role as Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Lisle’s trees fire Mayor Broda

Lisle’s Treeocracy fired Mayor Joe Broda and announced Chris Pecak as his replacement.

“After sixteen years,” read a statement from the sentient trees, “Joe became boring.  We do not like boring.  We don’t expect to be bored by Chris, and we expect him to be our loyal servant and entertainer.”

Paula, a Lisle resident who asked that her last name not be used, recalled when the trees ordered her to vote for Pecak:

“I had just stepped out of my car when a branch touched my shoulder.  I heard a whisper tell me to vote for Chris.  I was going to vote for Joe, because I thought the trees wanted me to.  I didn’t know they had changed their minds.  But they told me and I did what they said.  I think— I know it’s for the best.  The trees love Lisle.  Lisle loves the trees.  I love the trees!”

A spokesperson for Pecak’s party, Prosperity for Lisle, said, “Chris will do whatever the trees want him to do.  Now go away!”

Broda, reached by phone, said, “As if this week couldn’t get any worse?  I thought the trees kicked you out of the village years ago.”

Space aliens canvass for both Bolingbrook parties (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens are canvassing and volunteering for both Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United campaigns for the April 4 municipal elections.

“This is very unusual,”  said a source who is familiar with both parties.   “Normally we might have one or two aliens from Clow base volunteer for (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  This year we have several aliens working for both parties.  I guess the whole galaxy is watching this election.”

Under current treaties, aliens are allowed to volunteer for political campaigns, as long as they are disguised as humans.  Aliens are not allowed to donate or solicit funds for candidates, nor can they vote, unless they have US citizenship.

Koilz Pogoiz, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First, says he loves the Illuminati and is proud to support Claar:  “Claar is so awesome that his trustees are speechless at board meetings.  I know he’s been tired and grumpy during this campaign.  My enthusiasm, however, will make up for it, and help lead us to victory.”

While canvassing, Pogoiz spoke with a resident on Monroe RD:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?”, asked Pogoiz.

“Yes!”

“Then you should vote for the Bolingbrook First slate because they’ve made Bolingbrook great since 1986!”

“But didn’t Roger raise millions of dollars for Donald Trump?”

“That’s national politics.  This is Bolingbrook!  This election has nothing to do with Trump.”

“But if Roger is willing to raise millions for a man who called Mexicans immigrants rapists, and campaigned for a ban on Muslims, doesn’t that mean Roger is willing to appoint officials who share those views?”

“Do you really want to risk Bolingbrook’s greatness for those kind of people?”

The resident slammed the door.

Xligost, an alien working for Bolingbrook United, says Bolingbrook needs a change in leadership:

“I miss the old moderate Republican Roger who loved Bolingbrook.  This Roger is mean and doesn’t care about the residents.  He only cares about the companies and people who donate to his campaign fund.  We have to get rid of this Roger.  Jackie will be fair to us!”

Xligost, while canvassing Berkeley, DR, spoke with a resident:

“Bolingbrook United has no positions,” said the resident.  “I can’t make sense of their web page, and Roger says they have no ideas.  I trust Roger over Jackie!”

“They do have positions,” replied Xligost.  “They want to: End automatic pay raises for elected officials, eliminate special deals for political donors, make the village website more accessible, only collect one salary each from the village, conduct an independent audit of Bolingbrook’s finances, assemble a committee to reduce Bolingbrook’s debt, and look into offering garbage cans for all homes.”

“Like they’ll actually do that.  Jackie is endorsed by Cook County politicians, and gets political donations from Cook County!”

“Roger gets donations from around the country, including from companies that do business with the Village.  You know that mailer you’re holding?  It comes from a Chicago-based Super PAC.  If Roger is so popular, why does he need help from Cook County Republicans?”

“He needs help to fight the evil Democrat Party and George Soros!  I like Roger today.  I will vote for him tomorrow.  I hope he’s mayor forever!”

The resident slammed the door.

Both aliens defended canvassing for their candidates.

“All we’re doing is delivering our message to the voters,” said Pogoiz.  “They will listen to us and make the final choice.”

Xligost added, “If our actions result in a high voter turnout, and residents taking a prolonged interest in their local government, then Bolingbrook will be the real winner of this election.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Mayor Claar splurges on UFO advertising
Vernon Hills Township candidates propose UFO Base
Naperville Republicans deny plans to bus voters into Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/6/17

Out of character: I endorse Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United for the April 4 election

After decades, Bolingbrook residents have a choice of who to vote for mayor.  I’m going to step out of character for a bit and urge Bolingbrook’s residents to choose Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United over Mayor Roger Claar and Bolingbrook First on April 4.

While Claar can put on a friendly face in public when he’s with Bolingbrook residents, he’s not really a friend of the average Bolingbrook resident.  In 2015, the median household income was $77,929.  Yet, he spent taxpayer dollars on the following: 1) a luxury golf course that most residents don’t use, 2) a subdivision of McMansions that most residents can’t afford, and 3) an international airport that most residents can’t use.

Despite being mayor of a diverse community, Claar not only endorsed Donald Trump, but served as his delegate, helped organize a fundraiser for him, and defended him in the media.  Claar talks about diversity, but his support of Trump and his unwillingness to offer any resistance to Trump’s Muslim ban makes us question his current commitment.

Supporters may say that Bolingbrook is well run, but the truth is it runs well for Claar’s wealthy donors.  In 2009, the Chicago Tribune stated the following:

Nearly half of his donations came from companies and individuals who have done business with Bolingbrook. Those contributors received more than $300 million in village work — nearly 60 percent of the money that Bolingbrook spent on vendors over the last decade, the Tribune analysis shows.

Because of Claar’s decisions, the village now has over $300 million dollars in debt.  Relabeling it as “Visionary Investment” does not change that fact.

I do not believe in change for change’s sake.  The election of Donald Trump is proof of this.  I also understand that because someone opposes Claar, that does not mean they should be voted into office.  Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook was an example of this, with candidates who were exceptionally dishonest and delved into conspiracy theories about Claar.  Like claiming he hired someone to cause a car crash in hopes of killing one of their candidates.

I believe that Bolingbrook United’s candidates are competent and can bring about the changes Bolingbrook needs.  They have promised to end pay for play, stop automatic pay raises for elected officials, and only accept one salary from the village.  More importantly, they have promised to represent all of Bolingbrook’s diverse residents.  I think they can make these changes, and I will do my best to hold them accountable if they do not.

Eyewitnesses say President Obama canvassed for Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

File photo of President Obama.

File photo of President Obama.

Eyewitnesses say former President Barack Obama canvassed Bolingbrook for the Bolingbrook United party last weekend.

“I know that Rep. Bill Foster and Sen. Dick Durbin have campaigned for Bolingbrook United,” said a resident who wished to remain anonymous.  “Adding President Barack Obama is amazing!  It’s nice to have so much attention from around the country”.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Obama knocked on his door.

“I answered and said that I loved him and voted for him every time.  He smiled and said, ‘I love you too, and I would love for you to vote for Bob Jaskiewicz, Mary Helen Reyna, and Terri Ransom, for Bolingbrook Village trustees!’  I didn’t know who they were, but I was going to vote for them!”

Blake, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he panicked when Obama knocked on his door.

“I thought he was finally coming for my guns.  So I unlocked my gun room and yelled that he couldn’t have my guns and my ammo.  I still can’t believe what he said.  ‘I didn’t want your guns then, and I don’t want them now.  I just want you to vote for Jamie Olson for Village Clerk.  She’ll make sure your property tax dollars aren’t wasted so you’ll have money to buy more guns.’  I told them to go away.  Who should I trust?  Obama or superfreedompatriots.com.co.ru?”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, cried when she answered the door for Obama.

“I told him that I did a terrible thing.  I voted for President Trump, and I felt like no one would ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself.  I told him that I never should have listened to (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  Obama was so kind.  He said that he had read all the articles explaining why people voted for Trump.  He said he could forgive me, but I would have to listen to his story first.  He told me about the night of the 2008 New Hampshire primary.  He had just lost to Hillary Clinton and things looked hopeless.  However, he knew that there was still a chance as long as his supporters stuck with him.  So he told them:  ‘Yes, we can.’  The rest is history”.

“Then he smiled at me.  ‘For these challenging times, I have a new message:  Yes you can.  Yes, you can reject Donald Trump.  Yes, you can turn away from Roger.  Yes, you can walk the path of redemption. The first step is to vote for my friend Jackie Traynere for mayor.  Can you do it?’  I said yes I can.  He made me say it again.  Then he asked, ‘Will you do it?’  I replied, yes I will!  Wow!  Why was ever a member of the tea party?”

A spokeswoman for Bolingbrook United neither confirmed nor denied that Obama canvassed for them over the weekend.  She did encourage Bolingbrook residents to vote early, “but not often.”  Voters can also vote on election day, which is April, 4.

Claar did not respond to an interview request. However, his receptionist promised that he was working on securing “big names” to campaign for him during the final weeks.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not sure if you can help me. ”

A man replied, “You don’t want to misunderestimate me!  They said I wouldn’t win a second term and then they said I would go down in history as the worst president ever.  Look at me now!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks downs on witches and wizards
Court: Bolingbrook First, not Roger Claar Party, represents Mayor Claar
Trump promises to visit Bolingbrook Golf Club again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/17