US/Russia cyber task force visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”

A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:

“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians.  They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help.  Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”

According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.

“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said.  “Use this one instead.  ISIS will never be able to crack it.”

According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password:  “Thank you.  Let me use my campaign phone to change my password.  I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails.  Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”

The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:

“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions.  Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”

Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”

A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”

After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting.  Claar then checked his Twitter feed.  Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.

“Trump just disavowed the commission!”  Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.

According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised.  “The police caught the task force members.  I helped patch up the flaws made by those members.  Roger even changed his password on his AOL account.  It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”

Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.

When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:

“So let me get this straight.  You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you.  I see.  Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend.  Is that right?  Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”

This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.

Also in the Babbler:

Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal vows to triumphantly return to Bolingbrook
Aliens cancel meeting with Laci Green
Chicago vampires condemn vampire role-playing game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/17

Web Exclusive: Peotone IL named finalist for site of NWO’s new Chicagoland UFO Base (Fiction)

The New World Order selected Peotone, IL as one of three finalists for a new Chicagoland UFO Base.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

The selection committee wrote: “Being located in Will County, Peotone offers many of the advantages that Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has without the disadvantage of being run by a traitorous mayor.”

After the Presidential Election, Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar switched his allegiance to the Illuminati and placed Clow under their jurisdiction.  Failing to remove Claar in the April election, the New World Order started planning a new UFO base.

A spokesman for the Peotone Village President Steven Cross, who asked to be called Carl, said the village is honored to be considered:  “We may never get the third Chicago Airport, but we have a good shot at this UFO base.  Hardly anyone will notice its construction, and the base will be underground.  That means our residents won’t be inconvenienced by the base,  unlike they would by an airport.”

Pamela Z. Stouffer, a spokesperson for Will County’s Interstellar Relations department, credited Will County Board Member Jacqueline Traynere for Peotone making the final three:  “She didn’t win the election against Roger, but she made a lot of connections within the New World Order.  Now we don’t want to get involved in the war with the Illuminati, but we can’t pass up the opportunity to be able to collect taxes from two UFO bases!”

The other sites up for consideration are the South side of Chicago, and Lake County.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel personally wrote the proposal for their site:  “What better way to stick it to Roger than to build a UFO Base in Chicago?  I will waive all taxes on interstellar trade if you promise to pay off our city’s pensions.  Unlike a certain president, we know how to make great deals for the right sentient beings.”

Lake County’s proposal is a classified number of smaller bases connected by subways lines.  Officials say that their plan will allow all of Lake County to profit, rather than one community.

“We get a lot of visitors from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel,” said one county official.  “When they visit our many synagogues, they always complain about the car ride from Bolingbrook.  Under our plans, visitors can land in Lake County, then walk to the synagogue of their choice.  What a concept!”

Lake County started its “charm offensive” by inviting representatives of the New World Order to a party to celebrate their selection.  The Maxwell Street Klezmer Band performed a concert.  County officials, wearing paper bags, told jokes to entertain the audience, and poke fun at Claar and the Illuminati.

“So the Bolingbrook Village Board is touring the solar system in a UFO.  The pilot walks into the cabin and says, ‘There’s a problem with the engines.  We might have to bail out over Earth.’    The pilot goes back to the cockpit.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz gets a parachute.  Mayor Roger Claar grabs the chute.  He says, ‘I am Bolingbrook!  I have to live.’  Roger then jumps out the airlock.  Robert grabs another chute.  Trustee Leroy Brown takes chute from Robert.  ‘I have to live because Roger needs me.’  He jumps out of the airlock.  This happens with each of the other trustees.  Finally, Robert is alone, and the pilot returns.  Robert says, ‘I don’t understand why they grabbed my chute.  There’s more than enough for everyone.’  The pilot says, ‘I don’t understand why they jumped.  We’re still over Jupiter.’”

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook starts Bitcoin mining operation (Fiction)

Faced with Illinois’s financial uncertainties, sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is using the village’s computers to mine for Bitcoins.

BitcoinA source with ties to Bolingbrook’s IT Commission explained the decision: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I mean bold measures.  Yes, bold measures!  Roger is making bold decisions!  That’s why he’s mayor.”

Bitcoin, a currency found on the Internet, was introduced in 2009.  It is popular among libertarians, hackers, and people who don’t trust governments.  Special computer programs mine for newly created Bitcoins.

Another source explained Claar’s interest in Bitcoins:  “Right now, One Bitcoin is worth $2541.80.  Imagine what we could do with a bunch of them!”

A village employee, who asked to be called Jane, said Roger personally installed a Bitcoin mining program on her PC.  “He said it would make money for the village.  I started to ask a question, but then he added that if I stopped asking questions, he would also install a screensaver with pictures of his granddaughter.  How could I resist?”

Another employee, who asked to be called Beth, said she told Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz about the mining operation:  “I showed him my screen, and said I was making money for the village.  I tried to rub it in and say that Roger is a genius.  He just looked at the screen and said it was interesting.  Then he walked over to Roger’s office and slowly knocked on the door.  I got out of there because I had a bad feeling.”

The following is a transcript of Jaskiewicz’s conversation with Claar compiled from eyewitness accounts:

Jaskiewicz:  Are you really Bitcoin mining?

Claar:  Yes.  We have to think outside of the box if we’re going to survive.  The state is on the verge of junk bond status, and we could lose control of our property taxes.  Bitten coin mining could save our revenue stream.  Have you seen the current exchange rate?  Personally, it’s about time I got something good from the Internet!

Jaskiewicz: Roger, you’re going to spend more on electricity than you’ll earn in Bitcoins.  That’s assuming you find a reputable exchange site.  You’d be better off farming World of Warcraft Gold or Eve Online ISK.  Still, either of those ideas won’t make up for the loss in state revenue.

Claar:  What do you suggest?

Jaskiewicz:  For starters, the Bolingbrook Golf Club—

Claar:  You keep my golf club out of this!

When called for comment, a receptionist for said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like intern Charlene said, “Good news, Roger!  I just sent a message to all the Democratic leaders in Cook County telling them they’re not invited to The All-American Celebration on July 4.”

“I hope you didn’t send a message to Representative Dan Lipinski.  He helped me out in the last election.  Daily Kos says he might have been the key to my victory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Oh don’t worry.  I have Dan on speed dial.  We’ll get this straightened out.”

Off-world Jews kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten Jewish lesbians — from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel — were kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March, along with three Jewish Earthlings.  They were removed from the march because they were rallying behind a gay pride flag with a Star of David.

According to the Windy City Times, the flags “made people feel unsafe,” because the march was “anti-Zionist” and “pro-Palestinian.”

Navit, a resident of the Asher world, was outraged by the decision: “I traveled several light years and endured a bus ride from Bolingbrook to make this march.  Now they’re kicking me out because of the Star of David?  Why wasn’t this a problem the previous three times I attended?”

Kalanit, a resident of the Levi world, was confused by the expulsion.  “I don’t agree with what the state of Israel is doing to the Palestinians.  We had nothing to do with the current situation.  It happened decades before we reestablished contact with Earth.  Besides, even the Jews on Earth have different opinions on the treatment of Palestinians under Israeli occupation.  Expelling us from a march doesn’t help.  It just pushes us into the arms of Prime Minister Netanyahu.”

“Ew!” Said Navit.  “Seriously, if you have a problem with the Israeli government, you should protest them, and leave other Jews out of it.”

Iliana Figueroa, a member of the Dyke March Collective, gave the following statement to the Chicagoist:

“Yesterday, during the rally, we saw three individuals carrying Israeli flags super imposed on rainbow flags. Some folks say they are Jewish Pride flags. However, as a Collective, we are very much pro-Palestine. When we see these flags we know a lot of folks who are under attack by Israel see the visuals of the flag as a threat, so we don’t want anything in the [Dyke March] space that can inadvertently or advertently express Zionism,” she said. “So we asked the folks to please leave. We told them people in the space were feeling threatened.”

Another member, who spoke anonymously to the Babbler, also defended the decision:

“If these aliens believed in justice, they would invade Israel and liberate the Palestinians.  They don’t.  So we know what their real agenda is!”

Both alien women say they still intend to visit the Chicago area in the future.

“The members of Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim are always very welcoming to us.  They understand that preserving Jewish culture doesn’t mean believing in God.  These congregations alone make the trip to Earth worthwhile.”

They also said they would continue to attend Pride events on Earth, but will avoid the Chicago Dyke March in the future.

“When did being Jewish and being a queer become incompatible?” They asked.

Also in the Babbler:

Anonymous fooled into leaking fake alien video
Sources:  Mayor Claar asked to host talk show on Fox News
Transphobic AI obsessed with suspending Facebook accounts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Antifa denied booth at Village Picnic (Fiction)

Content notice: Satirical depictions of Fascists. Reminder: This is a work of fiction.

Organizers of the Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic denied a booth application from the Bolingbrook chapter of Antifa, a controversial anti-fascist movement.

Antifa, a coalition of anarchists, communists, and liberals opposed to fascism, has been involved in violent clashes with Trump supporters and neo-Nazis.  While the Bolingbrook chapter has no history of violence, organizers say the group does not fit with the theme of the picnic.

One organizer, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the commission’s decision:  “This is a family friendly event with free food, fun contests, and the opportunity to meet with representatives of community service groups.  There’s no room for politics here —  especially the radical politics espoused by antipasto, or whatever they call themselves.  We want Republicans and Democrats to come here in peace and community spirit.  Well, maybe we don’t want Cook County Democrats here, but you get the picture.”

Che Castro, who wore a hood during our interview, said she was disappointed with the decision.  “We do provide a community service by defending Bolingbrook’s diverse population against alt-white terrorists.  Our ancestors fought a world war against fascists, and we called them the greatest generation.  We fight against fascists and the corporate press compares us to terrorists.”

According to members of Bolingbrook Antifa, the group had planned many activities at their tables:  In addition to handing out flyers, visitors could spend money to shred printouts of right wing memes.  They could also pay to “dissect” a Pepe the Frog doll.  (Pepe the Frog is a cartoon frog that was appropriated by the so-called alt-right.)  Visitors to the booth could also watch members demonstrate “self-defense” techniques.

Bruce, a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denied that Antifa is a violent group:  “Bolingbrook Antifa denounces people who want to shoot politicians.  We believe in peaceful protests.  We just don’t believe in pacifism.  If fascists are going to charge at us with sticks, we’re going to fight back!  Just like our comrades did in Berkeley.  Power to the People!”

Members of the Pepe Fan Club of Bolingbrook claim they are disappointed with the decision to ban Antifa:

Joe, who wore plastic padding and a football helmet, explained:  “We were ready to prove our genetic superiority by drinking bottles of milk in front of their booth.  Then we were planning to say triggering words to get them to hit us.  Then we would have to defend ourselves until the police arrested them!  It could have been a powerful display of support for the white race.”

When asked what his group stood for, Joe replied by holding up printouts of memes and flashing various hand gestures.  Finally, he did cite a precise policy.

“We want to see the peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook, just like Richard Spencer advocates.  We will make Bolingbrook all white for the first time, and it will be glorious!  Heil Bolingbrook!  Heil victory!  Bring me a Tiki Torch!”

Both sides say they will not protest at the Village Picnic, but went on to say that there would be a confrontation between them “soon.”  They agreed that this confrontation will not happen this weekend.

The Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic is on June 25 at Town Center.  It runs from Noon to Six PM.

Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”

Aliens apologize for participating in anti-Sharia law protest (Fiction)

At a press conference at Clow UFO Base, three aliens apologized for protesting Sharia law in Chicago. They apologized because they felt it really promoted hatred of Muslims.

“We heard bad things about Sharia law,” said Glopgax from Wolf 1061c.  “So I put on a human suit and joined the protest.  The counter-protesters started calling us racist; I realized that maybe there was something else going on.”

Bogoxt, from Kepler 442b, said she just wanted to have fun:  “I just went for the cosplay.  I wondered what I could do with the red, white, blue and orange theme.  They liked my costume and offered to let me hold the flag of Kekistan.  I was curious, so I looked it up online.  I discovered that it was a so-called “ironic” meme used to cover up its believers’ racism and sexism.  I handed the flag back and ran away.  I’m so sorry!  Can you forgive me?”

Leedez, from Wolf 1061c, said ze didn’t learn know about the organizers until ze participated in the protest: “I wanted to find out about the group organizing the national rallies, ACT for America.  When I found out that their leader, Brigitte Gabriel, said that Muslims couldn’t be loyal US citizens, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the rally for me.”

Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who organized the press conference, said he had arranged a meeting so the aliens could meet scholars and local Islamic leaders to discuss Sharia law.  They could also use the meeting to apologize to the Muslim Association of Bolingbrook if they wanted to.

Jaskiewicz added that Bolingbrook’s residents and visiting aliens had nothing to fear from Sharia law:

“In the United States, the US Constitution is the supreme law of the land.  There is no ordinance or court ruling that can change that.  Secular law governs everyone within the United States.  That includes Bolingbrook.”

After the press conference, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar approached Jaskiewicz.

Claar: “You know the goal of the Illuminati is to create global chaos, and we could use alien allies to achieve that goal.”

Jaskiewitz: “The goal of the New World Order is to build a just global harmony, and harmony is an idea worth spreading to other worlds.”

Claar: “Speaking of other worlds, Brodowski.”

Jaskiewitz: “Jaskiewicz.”

Claar: “Close enough.  This summer, the board is taking a trip to the planet Gaxton.  We’re going to meet with trade representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy, and we’re going to stay at a luxury resort.  This is all paid for by my interstellar campaign fund, by the way.  We’ve also got skybox seats for a Melodysheep concert.  That’s not the best part.  The best part of the trip is that each night we’ll be able to watch the Milky Way galaxy rise from the horizon, like a second dawn.  It’s an amazing sight that has changed the lives of all whom have witnessed it.  Guess who’s staying on Earth?”

Also in the Babbler:

Werewolves allowed to march in Bolingbrook Pet Parades as humans only
Claar rules that aliens can only sell BBQ sauce at MarketPlace
Bolingbrook man: ‘I was wrongly fired for ironically called my boss stupid’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/16/17

Manchester Mumbler: Richard Dawkins writes “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Theresa May (Fiction)

Note:  All spellings have been converted to US English.

Sources say that scientist and professional atheist Richard Dawkins wrote a “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Teresa May:

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of Richard Dawkins and James Randi from TAM 8.

“I guess Richard was really mad about the general election result,” said one source.  “Especially since the Liberal Democrats are still weak, and the Prime Minister might make an alliance with the Democratic Unionist Party.”

Many sources confirmed the text of the letter:

Dear Fanny:

Oh, pipe down you silly person.  Yes, you might lose your right to choose an abortion.  Too bad your children might have to face the abuse of learning creationism in school.  Quit your whining about gay rights.  They probably don’t need them anyway.  Stop complaining about the climate.  Learn to swim, wear sunscreen, and think of famine as an opportunity to lose weight!  It’s not so bad that you’re stuck inside a hard border.  You also shouldn’t complain that your NHS money will be going to some unstable backwater of the British Empire.  The biggest concern is that a woman who calls herself Prime Minister needs to form a majority in Parliament.  She lost her majority because she just had to call an early election.  Isn’t that terrible?  So grow some thick skin and stop whining!  At least you aren’t suffering under a Labour government!

Sincerely

Richard Dawkins

Many of the sources say May did not respond well to the letter.

One source explained:  “She wrote back saying that he wasn’t helping.  I suppose this will eventually lead to a Twitter war with the Prime Minister.  We’ll see who gets the last laugh once she controls access to the Internet.”

Dawkins and May could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Center for Inquiry neither confirmed or denied that the letter was authentic.

“If Richard did write it, then he was obviously trying to make a nuanced point that could be expressed in 147 words.”

No one from the DUP could be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Northern Ireland Nationalist Atheist Party released the following statement:

“In keeping with Irish atheist tradition, we will blame PZ Myers for the hung British Parliament.  There will be a 100,000-word post explaining our reasoning.  This post will also blame him for Catholicism, the British Occupation of Northern Ireland, and One Direction!”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Virgin Group begins renovating Kinder Scout UFO Base
Ghost of Paul McCartney spotted in Liverpool
Underworld fail to break world record for longest concert
Dawkins to ignite Twitter on 13/6/17