Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”
A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:
“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians. They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help. Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”
According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.
“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said. “Use this one instead. ISIS will never be able to crack it.”
According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password: “Thank you. Let me use my campaign phone to change my password. I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails. Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”
The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:
“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions. Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”
Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”
A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”
After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting. Claar then checked his Twitter feed. Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.
“Trump just disavowed the commission!” Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.
According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised. “The police caught the task force members. I helped patch up the flaws made by those members. Roger even changed his password on his AOL account. It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”
Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.
When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:
“So let me get this straight. You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you. I see. Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend. Is that right? Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”
This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.
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