Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’ (Fiction)


From the webmaster: I’ve decided to experiment with reposting articles from our previous website.  If it works out, I might make it weekly feature.  With the Refuse Fascism protests coming up this Saturday, I think this article from 12/5/16 is timely. 

While communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”

The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution on the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an event with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the parties’ strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn’t organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical and leadership skills necessary to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, the best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to fighting a revolution and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a Wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming within their groups.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It resulted in a disaster for China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future of US Communism.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans so communists organizations will have members with the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed the Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead of trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This report is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of their points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

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