By Reporter X
Presidential candidate and South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg escaped Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after Mayor Roger Claar ordered his arrest.
The campaign released a statement: “Pete is unharmed, though disappointed that the leadership of Clow UFO Base is not ready for a fresh start. We hope someday the New World Order will retake Clow UFO Base, and invite President Buttigieg to visit.”
Buttigieg was at Clow to campaign for the March 10th Democratic Interplanetary Primary. He started the day by meeting with representatives of Clow’s unions and members of the Bolingbrook United Party.
“I’ve heard from many Americans who work off-world,” said Buttigieg to the small gathering. “They say their alien friends are concerned about humanity. Some of their friends wonder if humans should be confined to our solar system. It’s true. The future of our species depends on this election. So when you go to vote in March, whether it’s off-world, or in Illinois, just remember this: I am the only candidate who can say this in perfect Galactic to the Interstellar Commonwealth’s leaders: ‘Humanity just voted for a fresh start. Will you give us one?’”
After the meeting, Buttigieg headed towards one of Clow’s arenas for a campaign rally that was going to be broadcast live throughout the solar system. According to eyewitnesses, Claar, along with a team of Men in Blue, stopped Buttigieg.
“What are you doing on my base?” asked Claar. “You know this is Illuminati territory.”
“The Master Councilor of Illinois gave me permission to be here,” replied Buttigieg. “I’m reaching out to everyone. Even members of the Illuminati. If we keep Trump in office, he’s going drive humanity to extinction. Even you must know that there are no secret societies on a dead planet.”
Claar paused, according to the witnesses, then asked, “Do you support fascism?”
“What? Of course not. I served in the Navy Reserve to protect the freedom of all Americans, and I’m the son of an immigrant.”
“Then you are Antifa!”
“If you’re anti-fascist, then you’re Antifa, and that makes you a member of a terrorist organization. Which means I can revoke your access to Clow. Arrest him!”
Eyewitnesses agree that the Men in Blue tried to arrest Buttigieg, but were stopped by his Men in Black guards. New World Order agents then covered Buttigieg with an invisibility cloak and escorted him away. Clow security exchanged laser blasts with Buttigieg’s security team, but no one was injured.
Sabrina, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw Buttigieg running out of Salerno’s Pizza:
“I asked if he was that guy with the unpronounceable last name. He said ‘edge edge’ and then got into a black SUV. Weird. So I think I’ll stick with Elizabeth Warren. She has a plan for everything.”
A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “dealing with the state government’s bad decisions.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said, “Bob, this is the Democrat party’s fault. Even though I banned weed businesses in Bolingbrook, we’re going to have to spend a fortune to train our officers on how to recognize stoned drivers.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “If only there were a way to make everyone who buys cannabis in Bolingbrook pay a small fee to offset our costs.”
“Very funny, Zielinski.”
Also in the Babbler:
PZ Myers denies plans to crossbreed humans and spiders
Resident arrested for taking up-skirt photos blames evolutionary psychology
Aliens peacefully ‘March for Cannabis’ at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/21/19
Note: This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.