By Reporter X
In a failed attempt to capture Clow UFO Base and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, an unknown alien species unleashed a tornado and severe thunderstorm attack against Bolingbrook.
During a press conference with the interstellar press corps, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement which quoted Mayor Roger Claar as saying, “Is that the best you cowards got?”
“We have survived this wide-spread attack against our village,” said Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department. “We expect more severe weather tonight, but we have confirmed the destruction of all of the invaders’ space ships.”
According to Peterseim, the aliens used the severe weather to launch a surprise attack against Bolingbrook. Men in Blue and Clow’s S.W.A.T. team clashed with the ground troops, while interceptors and air-to-ground defenses attacked the UFOs.
One of the defenders, who asked not to be identified, described fighting the aliens: “I’ve never seen anything like them before. They looked human— but if you killed them, they melted into a red liquid. I had to kill a few and believe me, it was not pleasant. The last one called me a slave of the ‘fish man,’ whoever that is.”
Other residents confirmed seeing UFOs during the storm, like June X. Smith of Bolingbrook: “I saw balls of light floating near a wall cloud. I thought I was watching ball lightning until they exploded. Some weird craft flew overhead. I guess it shot them down. Before I could post my pictures, a police officer came up to me. He said he would arrest me if I posted my pictures, or told anyone about the wall cloud. He said it was a matter of Bolingbrook’s security.”
Marc, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have seen one of the aliens: “This weird man was putting stuff on top of the storm drains on Cumberland. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, ‘We must work this out. Kidding. Blocked!’ Maybe he caused the flooding?”
During the press conference, Deputy Mayor Lawler addressed the media via a video chat from the emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. He started out by insisting that Trustee Michael Carpanzano wasn’t responsible for the attack and then accused Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere of coordinating the attack.
Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz then walked into view and defended Traynere: “What are you talking about? She worked with Peotone UFO base to provide us their tracking data. She helped us survive this attack. Why are you so desperate—”
The sound of thunder interrupted Jaskiewicz. Lawler screamed that they were under attack again, and ran off camera. Jaskiewicz followed him. Trustee Maria A. Zarate ran into view and said: “I want to announce that I don’t want to die.”
Trustee Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta then walked up to Zarate and said, “Ooh! That’s the code to activate the self-destruct sequence.”
“No!” yelled Trustee Sheldon Watts.
The screen then went blank and the press conference abruptly ended.
A receptionist for Claar insisted he was busy dealing with the “excessive water” situation in Bolingbrook and could not grant an interview.
“We can’t say the ‘F’ word because we built the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent you know what.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I think we survived this storm. So Charlene says you’ve been working with her on Operation Triggered Buddha. What is it?”
A man who sounded like Carpanzano replied: “I’m using my marketing skills to persuade residents to only say positive things about Bolingbrook, and that any negative thoughts, even if they’re about the new trash fees, are bad. Every resident must suppress their own negative thoughts, as well as their neighbors.”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer added: “All those suppressed thoughts create repressed anger that needs to be released. So Igor and I are using our social media accounts to tell residents that it’s okay to unleash that anger on Bolingbrook United, because they’re not ‘real’ residents.”
“I like it,” replied Claar.
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook Flat Earth Society announces plans to defend Illinois’ flat tax
Random attendees of the Cavalcade of Planes will get free UFO rides
Romeoville politician threatens to start ‘Bolingbrook Truther’ page
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.