Sources —who have friends with relatives that have a connection to village hall— say Mayor Roger Claar recently hired wereskunk bodyguards.
“Sure it might be overkill,” said one source. “But really, you can never be too careful today. Some liberal might walk up to Roger and demand healthcare or demand that Bolingbrook reduce CO2 emissions. The police wouldn’t do anything to protect the mayor from a radical opinion, but a wereskunk in war-skunk form will.”
Mark X. Baggot, an Uber driver in San Fransisco, claims he gave a ride to Claar and two wereskunks:
“Your mayor said they were his friends, but they didn’t look like the people you would normally expect a mayor to hang out with. One was snacking on dried flies. The other one said I should keep my eye on the road or he would make my car stink. At one point your mayor said, ‘You can’t trust certain people in uniform, but I can trust these guys.’ I asked what he was doing. He said he was campaigning. His guards laughed until he told them to shut up.”
A manager at Bolingbrook’s Mora Asian Kitchen claims one of Claar’s guards ripped off the lid of their dumpster and started eating the garbage. According to her, Roger intervened:
“He said if we had served rice with his guard’s dish, he wouldn’t be so hungry. I said we prefer quality over quantity. This is the worst part. He said that was fine for him, but not for his friend. Then he told me to waive his cover fee for our late night dancing, and give him unlimited ramen. If we didn’t Roger said he would ‘fairly’ judge our liquor license. I don’t want to go into too much detail after that. I can say that at least one wereskunk has some mean dance moves.”
An alleged wereskunk, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they are providing security for Claar. She says they will receive a portion of the soon to be announced fee for garbage toters and lids for recycling containers. She says part of the money will be used to buy food to leave out for the local skunks:
“Roger is a genius. Those who hate paying fees will keep supplying our cousins with free meals. Those who buy lids and toters will be paying us to help our cousins. Roger has our backs, and it’s only fair that we should have his back.”
A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was a line of people waiting to see him.
In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, a covert social media operative, said, “Here’s the script. You just go to the Bolingbrook Politics page and type these in. Then you are exempt from the township income tax for the rest of your life.”
A man replied: “Freedom.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, you know that DuPage Township doesn’t have an income tax.”
The man replied, “Fake news. Fake trustee. Keep Bolingbrook great. You’re triggered. I win.”
A few moments later, Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, we need to talk. For years, Roger’s supporters have told us we should support our police department without question. Now that the police union has endorsed Bolingbrook United, you’re directing his followers to question the residency of each officer. All the officers work here and live within 13 miles of Bolingbrook. Why is it okay for Roger and his party to accept donations from out of state, but it’s not okay for Bolingbrook United to accept help from M.A.P.?”
“Because I’m playing the election game, Bob.”
“And the card says ‘Moops.’”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook blocks human cannibalism restaurant
Weredeer arrested for polygamy
Developer proposes mile-high ‘Roger Claar Tower’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/7/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.