Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”

Reza Aslan filmed the lost “Flying Spaghetti Monster” episode in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Is Bolingbrook a holy village for some followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Eyewitnesses, and a recovered transcript, confirm that Reza Aslan filmed an episode of Believer in Bolingbrook about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“I know we have a lot of churches here,” said eyewitness Blake Q. Sampson, “But I never thought of Bolingbrook as a spiritual place.  He said it is, and how can I argue with him?”

Other eyewitness saw him walking around the Promenade, being recorded eating various pasta dishes.

Anwar, who asked that we not use his last name, overheard one of the taping sessions.  “I was going to say hi to him after the taping.  Then when the camera started rolling, he said, ‘I had to be open minded to the possibility that the universe was created by a drunk deity.’  When he put a pasta colander on his head, I quietly walked away.”

Other eyewitnesses claim to have seen Aslan on one of the islands of Whalon Lake, meditating while wearing a pirate outfit.

Officially, the Flying Spaghetti Monster started in 2005 as satirical character meant to criticize creationism.  It has since become a quasi-religion that is recognized in the Netherlands and New Zealand. Most followers do not believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti, but enjoy following Pastafarian customs.  Bolingbrook is not mentioned on the official web page, and has no special significance among mainstream followers.

However, sources say there is a splinter sect that believes Bolingbrook is a holy site, Jacob, who claims to have worked on Believer, said that this sect is the reason Aslan came to Bolingbrook.

“You know we can’t do an episode without a feature on an obscure religious faction,” he said.

Jacob provided a partial transcript, which describes a dramatic confrontation:

Voiceover: Mockery!  Parody!  Contempt!  Is this the future promised by the anti-theists?  I was starting to feel hopeless.

(Aslan reading an e-mail.)

Voiceover:  Then I received a message.  Was what I was searching for to be found in Illinois?

(Shots of Bolingbrook, IL)

Voiceover:  Bolingbrook.  A village of over 70,000 people.  The contradiction already appealed to me.  Sam X. Clarence’s e-mail said that his sect believed that this is a holy village.  I had to find out.  I met Sam outside the Church of Christopher Hitchens, a combination bar and atheist community center in Bolingbrook).

Clarence (wearing a pirate outfit):  Arrr!

Aslan:  You really take this seriously!

Clarence:  You will too, once I reveal the truth!  Come inside.

Voiceover:  As I walked toward the bar, I felt a malevolent presence touch my soul.  It seemed to affect all the patrons as well.

(Shots of patrons glaring at Aslan.)

Patron:  Waitress?  Can you put some bacon fat in my beer?  And can you give me a pen so I can draw a picture of Muhammad?

(They sit at a table.)

Aslan:  So you believe that the church’s teachings are incorrect?

Clarence:  I know they are!  I’ll tell you the story.  In 1976, a Chicago Tribune journalist visited Bolingbrook.  He called his wife to say he loved her, then vanished.  Never to be seen again.  I found his last message.

(Clarence places laminated papers on the table)

Clarence:  It’s remarkably similar to The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Loose Cannon.  It was written in 1976.  1976!  That proves the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real!

Aslan:  You also said that there are differences between what is in this document, and what is taught in mainline Pastafarianism.

Clarence:  Yes.Yes!  You see, in this work, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a god-like creature, not God!  Evolution is real!  The Earth really is billions of years old!  Do you know who she really is?

Aslan:  She?

Clarence:  She is the first atheist in the universe.  She is a transcendent being.  Atheism opened the gateway to higher dimensions!  Do you know what this means?

Aslan:  No?

Clarence:  Atheism is more than the mere lack of belief in gods!

(A tray crashes on the floor.  Both turn.  A waitress is staring at them.  Her eyes widen as she points at them.)

Waitress:  Atheism Plus!

(Angry patrons stand and glare at them.)

Crew member:  Save the equipment!

(Cut to outside the bar.)

Manager:  Don’t you ever bring your heresy in here again.  Get your act together or you will spend an eternity drinking stale beer from the beer volcano and your strippers will have STDs!  The New Pastament: An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife!

Clarence:  You mention the strippers.  In Blag Hag—

Manager:  How dare you quote the Blag Hag at me?

Clarence:  What?  You honestly believe that a college student created Boobquake by herself?  That miraculous event proved that she was touched by her noodly appendages—

Manager:  His noodly appendages!

Clarence:  Her noodly appendages!

Manage:  His!

Clarence:  Hers!

(They keep repeating.)

Voiceover:  As they argued doctrine,  I felt a new presence overcome me.  Could it be that out of the hate and mockery promoted by New Atheism, a new theism arose?  The thought moved me so much that it brought me, a devout muslim to say—

Aslan:  Ramen!

(The crowd stops arguing and silently stares at Aslan.)

Though the episode is complete, Jacob says it will not be aired.

“We later found out that there are only five members of this sect.  We were kind of pushing it when we featured the independent sects of Scientology.  There was no way we could broadcast this episode without being laughed at.”

Jacob is hopeful that some parts of the episode will be available in the future.  “Next season, we’re doing a show on humanism.  We’re going to argue that religious humanism is the wave of the future.  Who knows? We might come back to film services at the Ethical Humanist Society, Beth Chaverim, and Kol Hadash.”

Also in the Babbler:

Jared Kushner will meet with Mayor Claar ‘the day after peace comes to the Middle East’
Northern Will County Agency considers bringing Lake Superior water to Bolingbrook
Aliens divert astroid from hitting Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/14/17

Election fallout! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report (Fiction)

The results from the municipal election 4, 2017 municipal election are still sending shockwaves around Chicagoland.  The following is a special report on the stories the mainstream media are not covering.

Priory of Sion sends more election observers to Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

With the Bolingbrook election down to valid provisional ballots and absentee ballots, the Priory of Sion’s electoral monitoring team summoned more observers.  The winner of the mayoral race will determine whether the Illuminati or the New World Order will control Clow UFO Base.

“We have been entrusted by the New World Order and the Illuminati to make sure this is a fair election,”  said high observer Rene Fludd.  “With the vote count this close, and the stakes so high, we would rather have too many observers, than too few.”

The current vote tally has Mayor Roger Claar, a member of the Bolingbrook First party, ahead by 102 votes over Bolingbrook United candidate Jackie Traynere.  Claar officially switched allegiance to the Illuminati following Donald Trump’s victory in November.  Traynere is allied with the New World Order.

“We know that there are people who will try to fool us,” said Fludd.  “Just remember, we are the people who convinced Christians that Jesus died on the cross, and fooled atheists into believing that Jesus never existed.  It is not so easy to trick us.”

Traynere could not be reached for comment.

The receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke: “Looks like we’re going to be losing Trustee Sheldon Watts and Bolingbrook United will gain Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz.”

“Is that bad?”  Asked someone.

“Yes, but I have a plan for the next term.  We’ll keep doing what we always do and if something goes wrong, we’ll blame Bob.  Agree with me.”

“We agree,” replied the group.

Admins of anti-Claar Facebook page granted asylum in Florida 

Sources say the admins of the Facebook group Vote Roger Claar out in 2017 fled Bolingbrook following’s Claar apparent victory.  They also say the admins have been granted asylum in Little Bolingbrook, a community hidden somewhere in Florida.

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, explained why they left: “Roger is a very powerful mayor with a temper.  Unless you’re a competent lawyer or a politician with lots of connections, he can make your life hell.  My friends just couldn’t take that chance.”

Little Bolingbrook was founded in the 1990s by former politicians, business owners, and activists who tried to defeat Claar but failed.  It is unknown how many former Bolingbrook residents live there, but estimates range from 1 to 1000.

Little Bolingbrook Mayor Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea released the following statement: The admins of this Facebook group are safe behind our city’s gates.  Roger’s evil hands cannot touch them here.  His hit and run trustee cannot drive here.  His slanderous trustees, who accuse us of investigating a school board member to death, have no platform here.  The admins will stay here until 2021 when they will return to post about the election that will finally bring down Roger.  Then I will return in 2025 to destroy Bolingbrook United and assume my rightful role as Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Lisle’s trees fire Mayor Broda

Lisle’s Treeocracy fired Mayor Joe Broda and announced Chris Pecak as his replacement.

“After sixteen years,” read a statement from the sentient trees, “Joe became boring.  We do not like boring.  We don’t expect to be bored by Chris, and we expect him to be our loyal servant and entertainer.”

Paula, a Lisle resident who asked that her last name not be used, recalled when the trees ordered her to vote for Pecak:

“I had just stepped out of my car when a branch touched my shoulder.  I heard a whisper tell me to vote for Chris.  I was going to vote for Joe, because I thought the trees wanted me to.  I didn’t know they had changed their minds.  But they told me and I did what they said.  I think— I know it’s for the best.  The trees love Lisle.  Lisle loves the trees.  I love the trees!”

A spokesperson for Pecak’s party, Prosperity for Lisle, said, “Chris will do whatever the trees want him to do.  Now go away!”

Broda, reached by phone, said, “As if this week couldn’t get any worse?  I thought the trees kicked you out of the village years ago.”

Space aliens canvass for both Bolingbrook parties (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens are canvassing and volunteering for both Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United campaigns for the April 4 municipal elections.

“This is very unusual,”  said a source who is familiar with both parties.   “Normally we might have one or two aliens from Clow base volunteer for (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  This year we have several aliens working for both parties.  I guess the whole galaxy is watching this election.”

Under current treaties, aliens are allowed to volunteer for political campaigns, as long as they are disguised as humans.  Aliens are not allowed to donate or solicit funds for candidates, nor can they vote, unless they have US citizenship.

Koilz Pogoiz, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First, says he loves the Illuminati and is proud to support Claar:  “Claar is so awesome that his trustees are speechless at board meetings.  I know he’s been tired and grumpy during this campaign.  My enthusiasm, however, will make up for it, and help lead us to victory.”

While canvassing, Pogoiz spoke with a resident on Monroe RD:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?”, asked Pogoiz.

“Yes!”

“Then you should vote for the Bolingbrook First slate because they’ve made Bolingbrook great since 1986!”

“But didn’t Roger raise millions of dollars for Donald Trump?”

“That’s national politics.  This is Bolingbrook!  This election has nothing to do with Trump.”

“But if Roger is willing to raise millions for a man who called Mexicans immigrants rapists, and campaigned for a ban on Muslims, doesn’t that mean Roger is willing to appoint officials who share those views?”

“Do you really want to risk Bolingbrook’s greatness for those kind of people?”

The resident slammed the door.

Xligost, an alien working for Bolingbrook United, says Bolingbrook needs a change in leadership:

“I miss the old moderate Republican Roger who loved Bolingbrook.  This Roger is mean and doesn’t care about the residents.  He only cares about the companies and people who donate to his campaign fund.  We have to get rid of this Roger.  Jackie will be fair to us!”

Xligost, while canvassing Berkeley, DR, spoke with a resident:

“Bolingbrook United has no positions,” said the resident.  “I can’t make sense of their web page, and Roger says they have no ideas.  I trust Roger over Jackie!”

“They do have positions,” replied Xligost.  “They want to: End automatic pay raises for elected officials, eliminate special deals for political donors, make the village website more accessible, only collect one salary each from the village, conduct an independent audit of Bolingbrook’s finances, assemble a committee to reduce Bolingbrook’s debt, and look into offering garbage cans for all homes.”

“Like they’ll actually do that.  Jackie is endorsed by Cook County politicians, and gets political donations from Cook County!”

“Roger gets donations from around the country, including from companies that do business with the Village.  You know that mailer you’re holding?  It comes from a Chicago-based Super PAC.  If Roger is so popular, why does he need help from Cook County Republicans?”

“He needs help to fight the evil Democrat Party and George Soros!  I like Roger today.  I will vote for him tomorrow.  I hope he’s mayor forever!”

The resident slammed the door.

Both aliens defended canvassing for their candidates.

“All we’re doing is delivering our message to the voters,” said Pogoiz.  “They will listen to us and make the final choice.”

Xligost added, “If our actions result in a high voter turnout, and residents taking a prolonged interest in their local government, then Bolingbrook will be the real winner of this election.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Mayor Claar splurges on UFO advertising
Vernon Hills Township candidates propose UFO Base
Naperville Republicans deny plans to bus voters into Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/6/17

Out of character: I endorse Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United for the April 4 election

After decades, Bolingbrook residents have a choice of who to vote for mayor.  I’m going to step out of character for a bit and urge Bolingbrook’s residents to choose Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United over Mayor Roger Claar and Bolingbrook First on April 4.

While Claar can put on a friendly face in public when he’s with Bolingbrook residents, he’s not really a friend of the average Bolingbrook resident.  In 2015, the median household income was $77,929.  Yet, he spent taxpayer dollars on the following: 1) a luxury golf course that most residents don’t use, 2) a subdivision of McMansions that most residents can’t afford, and 3) an international airport that most residents can’t use.

Despite being mayor of a diverse community, Claar not only endorsed Donald Trump, but served as his delegate, helped organize a fundraiser for him, and defended him in the media.  Claar talks about diversity, but his support of Trump and his unwillingness to offer any resistance to Trump’s Muslim ban makes us question his current commitment.

Supporters may say that Bolingbrook is well run, but the truth is it runs well for Claar’s wealthy donors.  In 2009, the Chicago Tribune stated the following:

Nearly half of his donations came from companies and individuals who have done business with Bolingbrook. Those contributors received more than $300 million in village work — nearly 60 percent of the money that Bolingbrook spent on vendors over the last decade, the Tribune analysis shows.

Because of Claar’s decisions, the village now has over $300 million dollars in debt.  Relabeling it as “Visionary Investment” does not change that fact.

I do not believe in change for change’s sake.  The election of Donald Trump is proof of this.  I also understand that because someone opposes Claar, that does not mean they should be voted into office.  Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook was an example of this, with candidates who were exceptionally dishonest and delved into conspiracy theories about Claar.  Like claiming he hired someone to cause a car crash in hopes of killing one of their candidates.

I believe that Bolingbrook United’s candidates are competent and can bring about the changes Bolingbrook needs.  They have promised to end pay for play, stop automatic pay raises for elected officials, and only accept one salary from the village.  More importantly, they have promised to represent all of Bolingbrook’s diverse residents.  I think they can make these changes, and I will do my best to hold them accountable if they do not.

Eyewitnesses say President Obama canvassed for Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

File photo of President Obama.

File photo of President Obama.

Eyewitnesses say former President Barack Obama canvassed Bolingbrook for the Bolingbrook United party last weekend.

“I know that Rep. Bill Foster and Sen. Dick Durbin have campaigned for Bolingbrook United,” said a resident who wished to remain anonymous.  “Adding President Barack Obama is amazing!  It’s nice to have so much attention from around the country”.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Obama knocked on his door.

“I answered and said that I loved him and voted for him every time.  He smiled and said, ‘I love you too, and I would love for you to vote for Bob Jaskiewicz, Mary Helen Reyna, and Terri Ransom, for Bolingbrook Village trustees!’  I didn’t know who they were, but I was going to vote for them!”

Blake, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he panicked when Obama knocked on his door.

“I thought he was finally coming for my guns.  So I unlocked my gun room and yelled that he couldn’t have my guns and my ammo.  I still can’t believe what he said.  ‘I didn’t want your guns then, and I don’t want them now.  I just want you to vote for Jamie Olson for Village Clerk.  She’ll make sure your property tax dollars aren’t wasted so you’ll have money to buy more guns.’  I told them to go away.  Who should I trust?  Obama or superfreedompatriots.com.co.ru?”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, cried when she answered the door for Obama.

“I told him that I did a terrible thing.  I voted for President Trump, and I felt like no one would ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself.  I told him that I never should have listened to (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  Obama was so kind.  He said that he had read all the articles explaining why people voted for Trump.  He said he could forgive me, but I would have to listen to his story first.  He told me about the night of the 2008 New Hampshire primary.  He had just lost to Hillary Clinton and things looked hopeless.  However, he knew that there was still a chance as long as his supporters stuck with him.  So he told them:  ‘Yes, we can.’  The rest is history”.

“Then he smiled at me.  ‘For these challenging times, I have a new message:  Yes you can.  Yes, you can reject Donald Trump.  Yes, you can turn away from Roger.  Yes, you can walk the path of redemption. The first step is to vote for my friend Jackie Traynere for mayor.  Can you do it?’  I said yes I can.  He made me say it again.  Then he asked, ‘Will you do it?’  I replied, yes I will!  Wow!  Why was ever a member of the tea party?”

A spokeswoman for Bolingbrook United neither confirmed nor denied that Obama canvassed for them over the weekend.  She did encourage Bolingbrook residents to vote early, “but not often.”  Voters can also vote on election day, which is April, 4.

Claar did not respond to an interview request. However, his receptionist promised that he was working on securing “big names” to campaign for him during the final weeks.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not sure if you can help me. ”

A man replied, “You don’t want to misunderestimate me!  They said I wouldn’t win a second term and then they said I would go down in history as the worst president ever.  Look at me now!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks downs on witches and wizards
Court: Bolingbrook First, not Roger Claar Party, represents Mayor Claar
Trump promises to visit Bolingbrook Golf Club again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/17

Web Exclusive: New coal requirements spark protests at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule require all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule requiring all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

Enraged by Melania Trump’s announcement that visiting UFOs must be fueled by coal, thousands of aliens protested and rioted at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

While coal can be used to fuel some alien reactors, the new coal requirements say any alien craft landing at an Illuminati controlled UFO Base must be fueled by burning coal.

Mrs. Trump explained in a video presentation: “We have taken away Appalachia’s economic development funding, their clean water, their clean air, their health care, and their environment!  It is only fair that you take and burn their coal!”  She added that since natural gas is so cheap, it is unlikely that there will be any new coal plants built in the United States.

When some alien economists pointed out that requiring coal powered UFOs could reduce interstellar traffic to nearly zero, Mrs. Trump said she didn’t care.  “The coal industry and the coal miner unions donated money to my husband’s campaign.  They want results, and we will make you deliver those results!”

Another alien scientist asked why it wouldn’t be better for Earth to buy all the coal in North America and dump it on Venus.  “Venus can’t get any worse, Earth will have its carbon stockpile reduced, and the miners will get their money.”  Mrs. Trump replied that this plan would require congressional approval, “And we have other plans for the surviving members of Congress.”

Following the announcement, thousands of aliens marched to the Illuminati embassy to protest.  300 were arrested for attempting to breach the forcefield.  Others chanted anti-Illuminati slogans and called for the New World Order to retake Clow.

Merchant Blohegil said she attended the protest because she was furious at what it does to her business.  “There’s free trade.  There’s protectionism.  There’s communism.  Then there’s (expletive deleted) the free market!  Guess what I think this is!”

Sxop Xlop was angry as well:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth has gone to great pains to ensure that we do not disrupt human cultures and protect the environment.  Now they want to command us to pollute Earth?  No!  I will not obey President Fake Human Trump!”

Hundreds of Black Bloc-inspired aliens attacked customs stations at Clow:

“They say give back!  We say (expletive deleted) that!  They say steampunk!  We say cyberpunk!”

While there were no fatalities from the attacks, dozens of security personnel were treated for exposure to stink bombs.

The violence and protests subsided once it was announced that the coal requirements were suspended until the Interstellar Trade Organization could review them.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar estimated the damage at “a few billion dollars,” but insisted that Clow’s security had everything under control.  “Aliens riot at Clow.  What else is new?”

We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Web Exclusive: Weredeer and Minnesota Talking Land Squids clash over ‘Bolingbrook United’ yard signs (Fiction)

Knocked over signs

Did weredeer attack these signs? (Photo from Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs warned that Weredeer and wondering Minnesota Talking Land Squids are currently fighting over yard signs for the Bolingbrook United party.

“All residents should use caution before putting up any political yard signs, especially signs from the Bolingbrook United party,” read the department’s press release.

According to eyewitnesses, feral weredeer are venturing into Bolingbrook and are tearing down yard signs or removing them completely.  Some folks have witnessed Minnesota Talking Land Squids defending the signs.

Paige, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that she saw a brawl between the two:

“It was terrible!  There are weredeer being suffocated by the squids and weredeer using their claws to slice up the squids.  It all started when one weredeer pulled up a sign.  I’ve never seen such violence before!  Let me tell you, I’m never eating sushi or venison again!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have been accosted by a land squid:

“Honestly, I just wanted a closer look at the Bolingbrook United sign.  Because— Anyway, this squid walked up to me.  I was shocked, but maybe I shouldn’t have been because I read the Babbler.  Anyway, it said, ‘Hello sir.  I see we share the same interest in this party of social justice.  I sincerely hope you weren’t planning on touching this wonderful sign. I would feel really bad if every bone in your body was crushed and your eyes ended up on my suckers.  You know what I mean?’  I ran away and called the cops.  They didn’t do anything except tell me not to put up ‘Bolingbrook United’ signs in my yard.”

Stacy claims to have met a weredeer while putting up her signs:

“There was this guy who was wearing shorts, and had his shirt on backwards.  He walked up to me as I finished putting up my sign.  He then started insulting my looks and said I knew I was ugly because I was voting for Bolingbrook United.  You won’t believe how he followed up.  ‘If (Mayor Roger Claar) is re-elected, my fellow weredeer will be allowed back into Bolingbrook.  We’ll even be allowed to use our new PUA techniques on human women.  We can only mate with humans and deer, and we’ve been forbidden form mating with humans for so long.  We can’t wait to replenish our human bloodlines!  If you take down those signs, I will consider mating with you in my warder form, even if I find you ugly!  You do know that I am a nice weredeer, right?’  I just sprayed him with pepper spray and ran back into the house.”

Stacy says the police couldn’t find the alleged weredeer, but did ask her to take her signs “for her protection.”

“I said no!  Take away the weredeer who are harassing the opposition instead!  Don’t take away my freedom to tell the world that Roger needs to be fired!  He’s had decades to get rid of the weredeer, and instead he’s enlisting them to do his dirty work!”

The Weredeer Union of Bolingbrook released the following statement: “Not all weredeer are misogynists who vandalize campaign signs.  A few of us support Bolingbrook United and hope they will represent all residents, and not just campaign donors.”

Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook First could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Mr. Harris, if I let you endorse me, what will you say?”

Mr. Harris: “Roger is a strong but compassionate man who has to deal with a growing Muslim population in his village.  In Israel, the security forces have bulldozed some Muslims’ homes.  It could be that Israel is mean.  It could also be that their homes are too dangerous to keep standing.  If we want to keep Bolingbrook safe, we have to consider destroying all Muslim homes and their mosque in Bolingbrook.  It’s horrific for Westerners to think about, but we have to think about it, but not necessarily do it.  Instead it may be more appropriate to conduct random enhanced interrogations of all Bolingbrook Muslim residents.  Maybe not?  All we can say for sure is that these questions will challenge any thought leader.  The Regressive Left has no leaders or thinkers. Roger is a leader and a thinker.  So I am proud to endorse him for mayor,  If I am correct about him.”

Roger: “Impressive.  Have you ever considered running for office?”

Global Disease Consortium endorses Trumpcare (Fiction)

The Global Disease Consortium unanimously endorsed Trumpcare during their annual gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Lead Barber Alex explained: “We are on the verge of eliminating the biggest obstacle to our plan to unleash endless global pandemics!  What Obama tried to prevent will soon become a reality!  Thanks, Donald!”

Alex confirmed that Trumpcare is an unstable version of Obamacare.  During his speech, he said that ending the individual and business mandates would result in fewer healthy people buying insurance.  Loss of tax deductions could result in businesses removing employees from their health plans.  Ending the Medicaid expansion in 2020 could result in more than 11 million people losing health care coverage.

“In short,” said Alex, “Fewer people will be able to afford preventative care and checkups.  This means more opportunities for our illnesses to fester and spread!  The sickening of America is at hand!”

Alex also believes that President Trump is about to launch a war against vaccines.  “Our rumors and false flags have created bipartisan support for worthless vaccine schedules and less effective vaccines!  Now that the Donald has the power of the Presidency, it is only a matter of time before he launches an inquisition against vaccine supporters. Our seeds of fear of autism have worked! To think that we almost lost Mumps, Chicken Pox, Polio, and Whooping Cough because of bleeding heart medical researchers!”

Vice Barber Sheila addressed concerns that the collapse of the insurance industry would result in fewer profits for the consortium’s members.  “First, all of our members should be invested in alternative medicine.  Americans alone spend over $33.9 billion right now on it.  That number will only go up once they lose access to their doctors. Second, governments always manage to find money in the middle of epidemics.  That money will make its way to us.  Third, the real payoff, however, will come down the road: Once we reduce the world’s population to 750 million, we’ll all profit!  Automation will take care of manual labor, and the people who used to fill those jobs will be dead.  Ayn Rand would be so proud of us!”

After a unanimous vote, anonymous blogger Orac hacked into the public address system.

“At last I have found the source of all quackademia! All of you should be ashamed for causing so much suffering over the centuries!  While all of you were yapping, I uncovered your real names, and I will expose them on my blog!  You will be embarrassed, if not destroyed! “

“Find him and kill him!”  commanded Alex.

Search parties scoured the club looking for Orac.  One party encountered Dr. David Gorski in the parking lot.

“You’re looking for Orac?”  Gorski pointed.  “He went that way.”

The party ran in that direction, while Gorski drove off in opposite direction.

None of the search parties found Orac.

Also in the Babbler:
ICE denied access to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar offers interstellar Groupon to counter declining UFO traffic
CFI Chicago delisted after refusing to cancel Feline Lovers in Secularism 2 conference
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/17