Aliens students go back to school (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Like many human parents, Lozo Gozok struggled to get her son ready for the first day of school. Gozok’s struggle involved getting her son into her human suit.

“You can’t go to Bolingbrook High School with your tentacles sticking out.”

“But my friends—”

“Are going to meet the Men in Blue. If your friends passed an event horizon, would you follow them?.”

Gozok’s son protested as she pushed the last tentacles down and closed the suit. She smiled. “You look like a handsome, typical human teenager.”

“Why do we have to wear these suits? Why do we still call Clow a UFO Base when the new term is UAP? Can’t we just be honest?”

“Most humans want to kill us because they can’t see in a dark forest. Clow UFO Base is an acceptable name. Humans aren’t honest beings. Why should we be honest with them?”

Gozok’s son is among the dozens of alien students attending classes in school districts 365U and D11. For decades, alien human students have intermingled at 365U’s schools. Alien students learn about human culture and make connections with future leaders. Human students might get tutoring, if an alien likes the human.

“People wonder why aliens haven’t annihilated us,” said Steve Quigley, president of the 365U school board. “I wish I could tell them it’s because of our visitor exchange program. Think of us as a light in the dark forest. If you can see the animals, you won’t fear the animals. Well, most of the animals. You still want to stay away from bears.”

D211 board member Tim McGowan also supports alien exchange students. “I believe in the benefits of a diverse student body, and having classmates from another world can only broaden our students’ experiences. There you go! Now, will you stop bugging me?”

Some human and alien parents are concerned about the programs in each school district.

One D211 parent, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I want my children to feel special when they go to school. Having aliens in the classroom makes them feel like uneducated savages. It’s almost as unforgivable as teaching students that slavery was bad, gay people exist, and it’s okay to read fiction. I can’t wait to move to Florida.”

Zelgozot Olo, who runs an interstellar logistics company, worries when his children go to school. “Observing an event horizon spinning civilization is fun until someone shoots metal projectiles at you. I’m not surprised some humans are afraid we’re going to obliterate them. Because they’d obliterate us if we gave them the opportunity.”

One of Olo’s children up to his dad and said he was off to school.

“Have fun,” Olo replied. “And don’t make the Fremd students feel inferior.”

“Inferior? Fremd is just as hard as the hive mind. If a human can succeed at Fremd, they can succeed anywhere in the galaxy!”

“Impressive. I guess Fremd High School is humanity’s redeeming achievement.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook man says aliens probed him because of his Uranus joke
Naperville City Council rejects Gunkata martial arts studio
Elon Musk offers billions of dollars to rename Joliet X, Romeoville Y, and Bolingbrook Z
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8 20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

UFO crashes into Long Grove’s covered bridge (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A spacecraft attempting to land at Palatine’s Sherman Base crashed into Long Grove’s Robert Coffin Bridge. The crew and the bridge were unharmed, but the collision caused extensive damage to the craft.

The pilot, XoiGon, claims the collision wasn’t her fault. “The bridge made me do it! As we flew our the town, I felt compelled to fly through a space that was too narrow. It had nothing to do with the Blue Cheese I was snacking on. I can handle that. I can’t handle a cursed human structure!”

This is the 51st time a vehicle has struck the covered bridge. It is the first time a spacecraft crashed into it. A local official, who asked not to be identified, denied the bridge is cursed. 

“There are lots of signs warning people about the height restriction. Drivers either ignore them and want to test the bridge’s reinforced roof. I think that alien did it on purpose and learned a valuable lesson.”

An anonymous resident disagrees. “The bridge by a demon. That demon demands a sacrifice of vehicles in exchange for its protection. I think it now has a taste for alien spaceships!”

Investigators from the New World Order doubt the bridge is possessed. “We have detected no divine or infernal energy within the bridge. We’re leaning towards magnetism. Maybe the steel used to reinforce the bridge randomly magnetizes itself.”

Beth Z. Carson, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, says the base is fully cooperating with the NWO. “I think this investigation will show the Illuminati were involved. They know Clow UFO Base can’t compete with us!”

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied any involvement in the accident. “Why would we want to give Long Grove more free publicity? They may have their truck devouring bridge, but we have the Golf Club and WeatherTech.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “So, is it true D2D is going to buy BookBub?”

A man over the phone replied, “Of course not. We just bought Smashwords and SelfPubBookCovers.com. Do you realize how much it is going to cost to clean up both sites?”

“Kevin. You know you could worry about that after D2D becomes the Amazon of self-publishing.”

“Amazon? D2D is the anthesis of Amazon. We’re just providing the tools to help our wide authors succeed.”

Another man yelled over the phone, “Dear Lord! Please forgive us for distributing a book with the word ‘Daddy.’ And forgive our trespass for distributing a Godless Urban Fantasy!”

“Of course, not every author can be a D2D author.”

Also in the Babbler:

Egypt denies conquering Bolingbrook
Mayor will not rename Clow UFO Base
Rep. Bill Foster campaigns on the moon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Proud Boys end ‘blockade’ of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Proud Boys announced Sunday the end of their “blockade” of Chicagoland’s UFO bases.

Peter Z. Easton, a spokesperson for the group, said: “We left after we sent a clear message to all space aliens that if we don’t like you, we’ll find a way to beat you and blame you for starting it.” Easton also added that his local chapter is currently focusing on “combating drag shows, and intimidating school boards.”

According to Easton, the boycott began when the Proud Boys chapter heard rumors of aliens disguising themselves as humans. The members decided it was a form of drag performance. “Our new orders are to go after anything that’s gay. Drag is gay and that’s not OK. Especially if you’re a non-western space alien! Just between you and me, I only liked Milo Yiannopoulos because he triggered the libs.”

Despite claiming victory, officials at Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases denied the Proud Boys intimidated visitors or disrupted flights. 

An official at Clow UFO Base claimed a Proud Boy member tried to leave a bag of dog poo near an entrance. The Men in Blue “reminded” the man that the Proud Boys are still banned from Bolingbrook, and escorted him to Romeoville.  

An employee at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base accused Proud Boys of shooting at UFOs. He said: “Their guns can’t penetrate shields, so most of our visitors didn’t know they were shot at.  But one crew was able to capture a bullet and shot it back at the (Proud Boy’s) truck. I never knew one remote controlled bullet could do so much damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and we covered up the shootings as one of those mysterious booms.”

A former Proud Boy member, who asked to be called Dee, said he was abducted by aliens while looking for Peotone’s base. He said: “They taught me that biology isn’t black and white but a spectrum. I also learned that women don’t like to be bossed around by men, and being a virgin doesn’t make you stronger. I couldn’t call myself a Proud Boy after learning the truth. So I’m going to learn how to make a sandwich and strive to be a good man. I hope I can convince my former comrades of the truth.”

The mayors of Peotone and Palatine could not be reached for comment. A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said: “Are you sure you want to write about the Proud Boys?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “Absolutely not, Charlene.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “You don’t even offer an affiliate link on any of your sites?”

“Just because I urge residents to have a weather radio doesn’t mean I’m profiting off of them.”

“Expecting a donation then?”

“Don’t make me carp you again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: LGTBQ+ people need our support more than ever
Russia launches two weather attacks against Chicagoland
Image of Christopher Hitchens appears near DuPage Unitarian Church
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Clow UFO Base bans ‘Sea Shanty Melody’ while Sherman UFO Base creates ‘Shanty Zones’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officially banned performances of the “Sea Shanty Melody” while Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base created “SSM” zones to accommodate the dancing performers.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement that read: “It’s been over a year since the Sea Shanty Meme started. During that time, security has had to break up numerous fights over that song.  Some of our visitors are treating it like a religion, rather than a silly melody. Enough! I don’t care if the ship is called Billy OT or Billy O’Tea.  I don’t care if you do one kick or two. I don’t care if you think the Santiana is really a hovercraft flying over Mexico. I don’t care! We just want peace and quiet on our base. We can’t stand hearing the song daily!”

Clow officials later clarified that Clow’s bars would continue to serve Wellermans, a mixed drink of rum, tea, and sugar.

After the announcement of Clow’s ban, Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen announced to the interstellar news media that Sherman will designate areas where aliens could perform and record their performances.

“Some could argue this is a cynical attempt to draw traffic away from Clow,” said Ottesen. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I think that if Palatine can allow video gambling, we can allow performances of this sea song. Who knows? Maybe we can find a way to combine them?”

Some aliens at Clow tried to protest the ban by performing to the melody but were quickly arrested. A lawyer for the protesters insisted the ban violated the Treaty of the Bermuda Triangle and vowed to have it overturned.

The lawyer also told alien reporters: “I will say that my clients appreciate being asked nicely by security to surrender before perfunctorily being sprayed with riot foam. The previous administrator of Clow would have sprayed them without any warning.”

Zeego, a resident of the Galactic Core Worlds, said she will be visiting Sherman because they are accommodating sea shanty dancers. 

“Weathermen on Earth have such a difficult job. I hope my dance lifts their spirits.”

Pozogot, who did not disclose his planet, supports Clow’s ban. “My best Earthling friend was a whale, and she was murdered in your 19th Century by those whalers. She could have been the Whale Bob Dylan, but she was murdered and turned into lamp oil!”

When reached for comment, Ottesen replied: “Your questions about UFOs make me laugh. After managing Palatine through riots and a pandemic, I could always use a laugh.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was unavailable.

“We kind of have a situation here. Steve Bannon is in the lobby and we can’t get him to leave.”

In the background, a person who sounded like Bannon said, “Marie, when I said, “Flood the zone with (expletive deleted),” I didn’t mean that literally!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Alexander-Basta to declare a ‘crypto holiday’ in Bolingbrook
First off-world alien votes arrive in Cook and Will counties
Aliens offer condolences to Rep. Casten following the death of his eldest daughter
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Democratic State Representative candidates Laliberte-Barnes and Syed clash at Palatine’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Democratic State Representative candidates for District 51, Chelsea Laliberte-Barnes and Nabeela Syed, debated covert and public issues during their debate at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. The debate, sponsored by Sherman’s unions and broadcast live throughout the solar system, showed a clear contrast between the two candidates.

Syed’s opening remarks, which mentioned working with Emily’s List and other progressive groups, ended with her singing “Gloop, Gloop, Gloop,” and doing a short dance.

“What was that?” asked Barnes.

“It’s the hottest trend on interplanetary TikTok,” Syed replied. “Some residents working on Triton said they’d vote me if I did it during the debate. I love connecting with the residents of the 51st, even if they are working off-world. You’d know this if you spent more time canvassing instead of fundraising.”

Barnes replied, “Well if a certain candidate hadn’t raised close to $200,000, and wasn’t constrained by a family, I wouldn’t have to hold fundraisers.”

“Well, because of my community and political work, so many individuals were willing to donate to my campaign. They don’t want someone who will work with racist Republicans. They want someone who will work for the residents of this district.”

Later, Barnes, a social worker, highlighted her efforts to fight drug addiction and provide mental health support.

“These causes mean so much to me. That is why I’m willing to reach a consensus with the fascist anti-women Republican party if it will help the residents of our district. Of course, if our visitors decided to share their advanced medical knowledge, I wouldn’t have to make deals with the elephant worshiping death cult.”

Syed responded by claiming to be uniquely qualified to deal with the Interstellar Commonwealth: “I have been practicing interfaith dialogue for years, and interstellar dialogue isn’t that different. Some of the Commonwealth’s leaders question if intelligent life exists in our district. I can point to Fremd High School and Harper College,  and confidently say there is intelligent life in our district.” Syed then said: “And this is for my new friends who work on Pluto.” She held up a sign that read, “Dwarf planets are planets,” and then did a short dance. “More  votes for me.”

Barnes said she could “play the meme game too,” and sang part of “Baby Shark.”

“Now how many votes did I win?”

“I think you lost some.”

After the debate, supporters of both candidates presented their spins for the interplanetary press.

“Nabeela Syed nailed it,” said Representative Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Future leaders like her are inspiring my campaign for Senate.”

“House,” said his wife, Priya Krishnamoorthi.”

“House. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.”

Senator Dick Durbin said: “Chelsea will kick this state’s addiction to politics as usual.  Wait a minute, I think I have the wrong sheet.”

Lisa Z. Parker, spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base’s unions, said she was pleased with the debate, but there were no plans for an endorsement:

“Both are good candidates and would support Sherman UFO Base. We’ll let our members decide which candidate is right for them.” She then added:. “If Rob Sherman were alive today, I’m sure he would have filed a frivolous lawsuit to restrict Nabeela from entering the base because she wears a headscarf. I’m happy to say that we’ve come a long way, baby.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for displaying blaster at Lions Carnival
Elon Musk to visit Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary diverts covert funds to lower garbage fee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Russian ‘Star Strike’ pilot captured after attempting to rob Palatine McDonald’s (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Palatine police officers arrested a Russian pilot who landed a UFO interceptor at the local McDonald’s and tried to steal its food.

Sue, an employee who asked that we not use her last name, described the attempted food heist: “First I was wondering why all these cars were speeding in the parking lot. Then when I took an order, this guy with a really bad Russian accent demanded all of our food. When I looked at the monitor, I saw he was inside a weird airplane. That’s when I pressed the panic button and quit my job.”

A recording obtained by the Babbler confirms her story. The pilot describes himself as a member of Russia’s Star Strike, a covert branch of the Russian Air Force tasked with protecting Russians from alien attacks. The pilot tells Sue, “Give me all your combo meals, all your Happy Meals, and all your dollar food!  I can pay in lead or you can give me a free discount!”

While most drive-through customers tried to escape, Gary, a recent Russian immigrant, approached the pilot. Gary described the conversation afterward: “I told the pilot Putin was making all Russian people look bad, and asked why he was helping the military commit atrocities? He said, ‘Whatabout’ and listed US atrocities like the Iraq invasion, Afghanistan, and the treatment of Native Americans. I replied, ‘What about this?’ And then I punched him.  I knocked him out. Just because the US has done terrible things doesn’t make it okay for Putin to do terrible things.”

Police officers from the Interstellar Division arrested the pilot. Both the pilot and the craft are at Palatine’s Sherman UFO Base.

According to Sheila Z. Blake, head of the Interstellar Division, the pilot was trying to secure food for Russian soldiers: “The Russian military has terrible logistics. He also has an addiction to McDonald’s food, so that’s another reason.” 

Blake added that although the craft flew through air space monitored by Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Clow officials never warned Palatine officials about the craft.

“This is yet another example of how the war between the New World Order and the Illuminati is hurting Chicagoland.”

Sherman UFO Base is affiliated with the New World Order, while Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base is affiliated with the Illuminati.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta emailed this statement to the Babbler: “This would be a good time to tell your readers which charities they should support if they want to help Ukrainian refugees.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will permanent Daylight Savings Time destroy the fabric of Space-Time?
Sentient COVID Virus accepts humanities terms of surrender
Putin vows to liberate the Ukrainian Village from the US
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Palatine police announced crackdown against anti-vaccine alien terrorists (Fiction)

Photo of an alleged anti-vaccination alien taken in Palatine.

By Reporter X

The Palatine Police Department’s Interstellar Division began a campaign to arrest and/or kill members of an alien anti-vaccine terrorist cell operating in the greater Palatine area.

Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division, spoke during an interstellar press conference. She stated:

“These aliens aren’t just asking questions. They’re spreading deadly doubts among our Republican residents.  They’re not speaking propaganda in order to help Conservatives.  They’re trying to frighten us into extinction with their anti-vaccination propaganda.  Let’s be clear.  No humans means no Republican Party and no Village of Palatine!  We can’t have that.”

Officers displayed images of aliens they claim are members of the interstellar terrorist group KuKPu’K.  KuKPu’K operatives travel across the galaxy spreading anti-vaccine propaganda to dissuade sentient beings from receiving vaccines.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, operatives will either release a deadly disease that has a vaccine or subvert efforts to provide vaccines to citizens against an existing pandemic.

In one of their holovids, shown at the press conference, a hooded leader insists they are doing the universe a favor:

“We are not anti-vaccine.  We are the vaccine against stupidity. Any species that refuses to vaccine its offspring against deadly diseases deserves extinction. Any species that believes RNA vaccines re-write DNA should not be allowed to reproduce.  Any species that believes in freedom and liberty without responsibility doesn’t deserve membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.  You’re welcome!”

Blake also showed enhanced photos of aliens organizing protests against mask mandates and spreading false propaganda about COVID-19.  She then produced a doorbell camera video of an alien, disguised as a human, canvasing a subdivision in Palatine. The dialogue in the video went like this :

Alien: Good day human breeder, I mean parent.

Resident: Why shouldn’t I shoot you now?

Alien: Because I’m here to warn you about the COVID vaccine.

Resident:  You don’t have to warn me.  I watch Fox news.  I know it rewrites your DNA, with RNA—

Alien: Not to mention that it renders its victims unable to fire their guns, and implants Critical Race Theory in your mind.

Resident: That sounds right, therefore I know it’s right.  Why didn’t Fox News tell me?  Oh no, they’re in on it too!  I’ve got to buy another gun.  You are a true patriot!

Blake concluded by reminding the media that it is a capital offense for any human to knowingly conspire with KuKPu’K:

“We will investigate anyone suspected of being in league with KuKPu’K.” 

Blake then coughed in a way that sounded like she was saying “Aaron Del Mar.“ 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar, who participated in an anti-mask mandate rally in Palatine,  could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz said he was attending an important meeting with the police union and could not be disturbed.

“We don’t have an interstellar division,” stated the receptionist.  “I think you need a permit to waste the mayor’s time with silly questions.  Let me check.”

In the background, a man said: “Let me get this straight.  If we take these two shots, they will strengthen our natural immunity against COVID?”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied, “Yes.  Think of it as a pre-season training camp for team immunity.  The Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears don’t go into a season without a training camp. Now some politicians want you to take four injections of artificial antibodies—”

“We’re not going to let some politician replace our God-given immunity.  We’re going to take these immunity-boosting shots.  You may be a politician, your honor, but you’ve earned our trust.”

“Thanks,” Schwantz replied.  “If you can’t trust a Fremd graduate, who can you trust?”

Also in the Babbler:

Misogynistic Weredeer arrested for protesting International Daughters Day
Ghost pharaoh visits Bolingbrook’s village hall
DuPage Township sponsors Mercury trip for elderly aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine’s UFO base holds first Pride celebration (Fiction)

Hundreds of aliens and humans attended the first Pride celebration at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  Despite the village having only days to organize the event, The staff of Sherman UFO Base declared the event a success.

“Somehow the aliens found out about Mayor Jim Schwantz’s Pride Month proclamation,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Then they demanded a Pride month celebration on the base.  The mayor didn’t tell me he was going to write up and sign a Pride Month proclamation, so I was caught off guard.”

The “semi-family friendly” event featured concerts, skits, Pride-themed foods, and lively discussions.  Ottesen credited the event’s corporate sponsors for their help in organizing the activities.

Some attendees criticized the marketing of some of the activities, which they called “Rainbow Washing.” One of the worst examples cited was the re-enactment of the Stonewall Uprising.  A horrible scene in it had Marsha P. Johnson saying anachronistic and obviously fictional lines:

“We are tired of being blackmailed.  We are tired of being arrested.  We want to proudly add letters to our sexuality.  We want to post our pronouns on the Internet!  We are so mad that we want to fight.  I will start the uprising by throwing a brick.  But not just any brick.  I’m going to toss this brick from the KIC Construction company.  From Dyson Spheres to homes, KIC takes pride in its work and is proud to sell its services to all accepting civilizations!”

Other attendees found the event inspiring:

“My culture only recognizes one gender,” said Oostop, a citizen of the Mitosis Alliance.  “However I never identified with that gender.  I used to think I was broken, but thanks to this event, I know there are other beings like me. I can now seek out gender-affirming treatment and I will soon figure out my true gender identity.  Thanks, Palatine!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO base will hold annual pride events, but didn’t know if the Village ever would.

“It’s really up to the residents.  I know that was unthinkable at one time, but who could have thought that the Village of Barrington would recognize Pride Month?  Anything is possible.”

A receptionist for Schwantz confirmed that he signed a Pride proclamation:

“Can you not make a big deal about it?  We don’t want to make (State Representative Tom Morrison) even angrier than he is now.  It must hurt knowing that your hometown rejects your bigotry.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Schwantz, said: “I just wanted to let you know that I wrote up that proclamation you requested.”

A man who sounded like politician Joe Walsh replied: “Great!  I’ll pick it up at the next meeting!”

“Oh I won’t mention it at the meeting,” replied Schwantz.  “I wrote it and filed it in my draft documents folder like I do with other questionable proclamation requests.”

“But—”

“You should feel fortunate that I wrote anything for ‘National Unemployed Radio Talk Show Host Day.’”

“Jim!  You’ve got to help me.  Okay, maybe a proclamation wasn’t the best idea.  I’ve got another one!  You can help me get a radio show on WBBM!  I could learn how to talk about the Bears.  This is a great idea.  I can be on the radio and still hate Trump!”

“I think you’re addicted to being a radio talk show host.  You should get help for that.”

Also in the Babbler:

Flying pyramid appears at Cavalcade of Planes
Wereskunks to premiere ‘litter art’ to celebrate Pride Month
Village retires Mayor Claar’s android double
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases revaluate using ‘skeptics’ as UFO sightings skyrocket (Fiction)

A decloaked UFO flies over Palatine.

By Reporter X

Rising public interest in both UFOs and Unidentified Aerial Phenomena is forcing Chicagoland’s three UFO bases to revaluate their staff of professional skeptics.

“We’re in a debunking crisis,” said Theresa Z. Theil, Director of Concealment Operations for  Peotone UFO Base.  “60 Minutes is taking UFOs seriously.  The government is about to issue an unclassified report on UAPs.  Ex-government officials can’t keep their mouths shut.  Meanwhile, we can’t find enough people to hold a SkeptiCamp.”

According to an Ipsos poll from 2020, 45% of US residents believe UFOs are real and have visited the Earth.  Public belief in UFOs started declining in 2014, and many UFO interest groups folded by 2018. Then sightings increased in 2019, skyrocketed in 2020, and are still increasing.  

Experts within the New World Order and Illuminati blame the increase on people having more free time during the pandemic, aliens disregarding stealth protocols, the decline of the skeptical and New Atheists movement after 2011, and the War between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Reid Ottesen, Palatine Village Manager and Director of Rob Sherman UFO Base explained: “Both sides are building UFO Bases, but both sides aren’t coordinating their coverup efforts.  Additionally, it didn’t help when the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry defected from the New World Order to the Illuminati.  I’m still trying to hire replacement skeptics, and I’m offering more than $15 an hour.”

Ottesen hopes stricter enforcement and improved cloaking technology will help Sherman UFO Base maintain a low percentage of sightings.  According to Ottesen, he’s already doubled the number of disciplinary hearings from 2020:

“Yesterday, I fined three crews for reckless piloting.  Not only were they sighted, but Patch mentioned them.  Sure these were steep fines, and we now have liens on their ships, but they deserve it for flying uncloaked for ten minutes with their landing lights on!”

Ottesen hopes that YouTube and Skepchick’s newly reorganized diplomatic corp will restore Palatine’s debunking efforts.

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has its own staff of skeptics, as well as representatives from The Skeptics Society, and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  Clow spokesperson Donna K. Smith says Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will be conducting a “routine reevaluation” of Clow’s debunking protocols:

“Because Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world, we are constantly innovating our public concealment efforts.  That may or may not reduce our reliance on contract skeptics.”

Despite officials denials, the Babbler managed to obtain an email from Alexander-Basta to CFI and the Skeptics Society demanding improvements:

“It’s very clear to me that your skeptics are suffering from severe mission drift.  They seem to think their mission is to protect Western Civilization from ‘Wokeness,” when they should be covering up security breaches.  From what I’ve seen, they’re doing both jobs poorly.  I doubt they could have covered up the illegal UFO base that was in South Elgin. Maybe I should hire PZ Myers instead.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she wasn’t working that day and was unreachable.

In the background, a man who looked like DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke approached Covert Social Media Advisor Charlene Spencer.

“I knew I would find you here,” said Marschke.  “You’re using the waiting area as your second office.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I am but a humble constituent, who just happens to be eight hours early for her scheduled meeting with the mayor,” said Spencer.

“Do you really think I’m that foolish?” asked Marschke. “Don’t answer that.  I just need to know if your lackeys sent out fake texts to voters telling them that we were going to abolish the township?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe isn’t good enough.  I want to know why you lied.  You know we campaigned on adding services, not abolishing the township.  Can you at least come clean about your lies?”

“I neither confirmed nor denied that I lied, or that I bought the same list of registered voters that you bought.”

“I’ve only been in office a few days, and I’m already sick of your billionaire client and you.  Why does he hate townships?  Is it because we help people?”

“Yes,” replied Charline

“Yes?”

“Yes.  He hates townships because they help desperate people, and my client needs desperate people who will accept desperation wages so my client can use the savings to buy the yacht that he desperately wants.”

“I think your client desperately needs the mental health services we’re going to provide our residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff offers its condolences to Mayor Alexander-Basta
Bolingbrook resident attacked by sentient algae in a swimming pool
Aliens arrested for hoarding lumber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner to buy ‘Anti-ANTIFA’ Vehicles (Fiction)

Will the Palatine Township Highway Commissioner buy three of these M1150 vehicles? (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Jeff Drew/Released)

According to sources within Palatine Township, Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar plans on buying three M1150 Assault Breacher Vehicles to “combat ANTIFA.”

“Palatine Township Residents see reports about ANTIFA every day on Fox News,” said one of the sources.  “We’re buying these vehicles, at a discount, to reassure our voters—I mean residents—that we will not ignore their fears, no matter how unfounded they are.”

ANTIFA, which stands for anti-fascist, is a movement consisting of activists and cells who actively oppose the fascist movement.  It is not a formal organization, and there is no leadership structure.  While most members’ activities are limited to identifying fascists online, the ones confronting fascists at demonstrations get the most publicity.  According to the ADL, there has only been one murder that is possibly connected to ANTIFA.

M1150 vehicles are used by the US Military to clear landmines and improvised explosive devices. They have seen extensive use in Afghanistan.

Despite no instances of ANTIFA using roadside bombs in the United States, the sources insist the M1150 vehicles are vital to the defense of Palatine Township’s 18 miles of roads.  One of the sources, Amy, blames the Cook County Democratic Party for “endangering” Palatine Township:

“We’re under attack by Democrats!  They’re threatening to remove our candidates from office, placing signs in people’s yards, and knocking on our doors!  If we don’t stop them, they’ll raise our taxes, turn the Highway Commissioner into an appointed position, and offer assistance to residents who rent!  The Republicans have run this township for decades.  The Democrats might have imposed (Representative Sean Casten) on us, but they can’t impose their will on our township!”

Matt Flamm, the Democratic Candidate for Highway Commissioner, denied Amy’s allegations:  

“Taxes are already too high.  We’re not going to raise them.  We might even lower them if an independent audit determines we could save money by eliminating the Highway Commissioner’s office as a taxing body.  One less tax to pay!  As for that tank claim:  I don’t know if that’s true, but I promise you, as the last Palatine Township Highway Commissioner, I will not waste taxpayer funds on military equipment!”

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar

An associate of Del Mar, who asked not to be identified, denied there were any plans to buy M1150 vehicles. He said during a video call:  “While you’re making up false charges, Aaron is promising to save taxpayers’ money.  That’s what really matters.  Just watch him speak to this legitimate voter!”

In the video, Del Mar stood six feet away from a front door, talking to a resident.

“So,” said Del Mar.  “I understand that you saw my debate with that guy, and have a question.  Ask away.”

“Yeah,” replied a woman.  “I have a big question.  What the (expletive deleted) is organic brine?  It sounds like you’re buying overpriced saltwater from Whole Foods.”

Del Mar laughed, then said: “It’s brine with beet juice.  I may be a Republican, but I’m always willing to use environmental terms.”

“But calling it—”

“I understand your confusion.  Not everyone has a degree in Public and Environmental Management from Indiana University.  Plus I’m an accomplished businessman, Republican Committeeman, and athlete as well as a family man.”

“Wow!”  replied the woman.  “Being Highway Commissioner leaves you with too much free time.”

Del Mar laughed again:  “Yes, because I do my job efficiently and I have so much energy!  Look at me.  If it weren’t for the Cook County Democrats, we wouldn’t have an election because I am the most overqualified Highway Commissioner in the history of township highway commissioners.  Everyone in Palatine Township should thank God that I am in charge!”

The woman slammed the door.

“But I’ll accept your vote instead.”

Also in the Babbler:

Accept no substitute: Babbler endorses Bolingbrook United’s slate
Time for a clean slate: Babbler endorses DuPage Township Democrats
No more elected trolls: Babbler endorses D211 ACT slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.