Despite reports of zombie skunks in Bolingbrook, the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies their existence.
“There’s no such thing as zombie skunks!” said an official who wished to remain anonymous. “If zombies were real, we would have been overrun years ago. This kind of reporting only incites panic. If you see a very skinny skunk with unusually severe wounds, just run away from it and call animal control.”
Many residents disagree.
Juanita, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw a zombie skunk in her backyard: “It was really skinny, and had a blank look in its eyes. It just shuffled towards the house. I threw something at it. That should have scared it off, but it kept moving towards the house. So I pulled out my gun and shot it. I know I hit it, but it kept going. So I locked the doors, and my spouse and I debated whether we should lock ourselves in the basement, or shelter upstairs. We never reached a decision. The police arrived and the zombie skunk was gone. The officer gave me a ticket for discharging a gun inside the village. The zombie apocalypse has started, and the police are ticketing the residents! No wonder police are useless in these situations!”
Pete, who also asked that we not use his last name, also spotted a zombie skunk:
“I saw a dead skunk next to my trash bags. I felt bad at first, but as I was getting in my car, it stood up, and I saw that its eyes looked funny. Then it started walking towards me. That’s when I realized something was wrong. No ordinary Bolingbrook skunk would ignore a bag of fresh garbage. I think it wanted to eat me. Fortunately, it was slow, and I drove away.”
Pete claims he later called Mayor Roger Claar about the sighting: “Roger asked if I was supporting the First Party for Bolingbrook in the upcoming election. I said I was going to vote for Bolingbrook First because I want to elect a party that puts Bolingbrook first. He said I gave the wrong answer and hung up. I used to wonder why the governments collapsed in every zombie movie. Now I understand.”
Pete urged all Bolingbrook residents to stock up on food and ammunition. He also suggested shooting any skunk in the head, “just to be safe.”
An anonymous employee at Animal Control denied the incident happened and denied the existence of zombie skunks:
“I am aware of the zombie deer disease. It doesn’t turn deer into zombies. It just makes them waste away and eventually die. My best advice is not to eat the meat of a deer that was acting strange or looked sick before it was killed. We do have a few cases in Will County, so be careful out there.”
The employee also urged residents not to kill any skunks without a proper license from the village.
Claar could not be reached for comment, but Michael Carpanzano, a Village Trustee candidate for Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook, denied the existence of zombie skunks:
“Your stories are stupid and do nothing to help our community. You should write about how all of our candidates are the only ones canvasing neighborhoods today because we care.”
Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it in Gazanfer’s direction:
“As I was saying, I don’t see any of the other parties outside today.”
Also in the Babbler:
The Babbler remembers the victims of the Aurora shooting
Aliens deny attacking PZ Myers
Bolingbrook considers importing rock salt from Europa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.