Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.
According to the CPD, three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment. When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”. After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.
According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings. One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”
The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:
“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy. I don’t know about that. There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”
Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment. Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.
Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:
“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal. They are not kidnappers! They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes! Brexit is so confusing!”
James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:
“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva. Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan. A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube! She’s almost ready for prime time.”
Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy: “Do the hump trick.”
A small wave formed.
Another wave formed.
“Not in the mood today? No problem. Stick your neck up!”
A vaguely shaped object surfaced.
“You look like a branch of a sunken log! Stick your neck up higher!”
The object rolled underwater.
“I don’t blame you.”
Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.
“OK, Mishy! Toss me in the air!”
Wilson bobbed in the water.
“That’s better. See? This is why I have the best job in city government!”
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