I’m still editing, but I’m confident that I will be able to get The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story out by early 2022.
The Rift is coming! Early 2022.
I’ll be posting more details as I get closer to the publication date.
The November episode of the FTB’s Podish-Sortacast will discuss video games from a social justice prospective. The livestream starts November 13th at 14:00 CST.
I won’t be at this one, since I’m cramming to finish my novel, but there will be guests from the FTB Discord server. I’m sure they’ll be more interesting than hearing me go on and on about Spaceflight Simulator. (To send or not to send a crewed expedition to Jupiter…)
By Reporter X
Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.
According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.
“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”
Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County. The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.
“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen. “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it. Take only memories. Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”
Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”
Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet. Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first. If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”
Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions. Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:
“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it. It wasn’t stolen… It was just sitting on a driveway. No one was in it.”
Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:
“You guys hunt animals. I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer. Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”
A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.
In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”
“I want to hear it in your own words.”
“Sure. First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”
“Isn’t that a contradiction?”
“You’re over-thinking it. Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”
“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates? But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”
“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID. But I don’t want the slate to win. I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”
“But Roger—”
“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”
“(Name Redacted) is right. You are unethical.”
“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election. You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”
“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”
“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”
Watts then shouted: “La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good!”
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Will Rep. Sean Casten be denied another term by the Illuminati?
The New World order claimed responsibility for Illinois’ current Congressional redistricting plan that forces Democratic Representatives Sean Casten and Marie Newman into the same district.
Z1, the NWO’s newest Illinois administrator, spoke during a presentation in Lisle: “This gerrymandering plan will demolish the Illuminati’s plans to destroy the United States’ democracy. We will take out at least one Illuminati aligned Republican, and possibly take out Illuminati Congresswoman Newman with the foolishly neutral Congressman Casten at the same time! Sean chose not to take sides in the great war for the fate of human civilization. Sean, when you stand in the middle of a battlefield, both sides will shoot at you!”
Z1 then announced that former Representative Dan Lipinski will be the NWO’s candidate for the proposed Sixth Congressional District.
“Flip the Sixth back to me!” said Lipinski. “I am honored that Z1 has selected me to restore America as the country that will rule the world. I’m glad that the NWO will support my efforts to rescue my Congressional seat from that woman. The Democratic party doesn’t need so-called progressive leaders. It needs leaders who are willing to reject (Homophobic term deleted) privileges, ban Abortion, and make health care unaffordable again!”
The Illuminati and New World Order have been at war since 2016 when Illuminati forces launched a surprise attack following the election of President Donald Trump. The Illuminati seized, and continues to control, most of Earth’s UFO Bases. In Illinois, the Illuminati control Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, while the NWO hold Rochelle’s Hub 35, Peotone UFO Base, and Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine.
While most Democratic politicians align with the New World order, there are exceptions. Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger is a member of the New World Order. Newman, like The Squad, is a member of the Illuminati. Newman, however, has spoken out against the Illuminati’s efforts to spread global chaos. She shares The Squad’s desire to turn the Illuminati into a “disruptive force working for the good of all humanity.”
Casten, a former employee at Clow, has always maintained his neutrality, and has advocated for reducing the role that all secret societies have in managing Earth’s UFO Bases. Since his election in 2018, he has asked both the Illuminati and NWO to use their influence to combat global warming.
The Illuminati released a statement saying they were not worried about the NWO’s redistricting plan:
“The Illinois Democratic Party and their NWO masters are just rearranging chairs on a sinking ship. Our Republican operatives will soon control the elections in the rest of the country. Democracy will fall, and Illinois will be isolated. In four years, the leaders of Illinois will have to face reality. They can either surrender, or beg Canada to annex the Chicago area.”
Casten, Lipinski, and Newman couldn’t be reached for comment.
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens allowed to go trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Trump announces his own secret society: The Trumpinati
Mayor Lightfoot threatens to hire weredogs to replace unvaccinated cops
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
By Reporter X
Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.
“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media. “Can this year get any worse for me?”
According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger. He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base. Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace. The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger. After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:
“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community. Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity. So I gave them a choice: They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed. They choose wisely.”
After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied. “Don’t be too thankful. The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”
Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:
“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name Only). I oppose abortion. I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time. But I draw the line at insurrections! We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President. I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires. I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%. We cannot let hate divide us. Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven. I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”
Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:
“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common. We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office. If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”
“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied. “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”
When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:
“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook? Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah. And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans. And we might be killed by a meteorite. And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue. And we might also get the next COVID variant. And we—“
“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”
Also in the Babbler:
Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Due to work and some meetings about my pending novel, I will post a new Babbler article next week. Take care.
It’s almost time for Freethought Blogs’ Podish-Sortacast, Episode 2 live broadcast. It starts at 16:00 CDT today.
I won’t be on the live broadcast this time, but I did record a short video with my thoughts on climate change.
An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”
Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano. The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards. The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.
“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified. “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”
A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema. According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries. The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.
“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied. “I just want to be the center of attention. And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”
“A place in the Republican Party?”
“No, silly.” Sinema giggled. “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green. Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”
“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.
“Whatever,” Sinema replied. “You still haven’t given me anything.”
“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”
“Not anymore. I now have a new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”
“You’re mad!” said the agent. “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”
“So?” Sinema asked. “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me. They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”
According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.
“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema. “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”
“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God. I signed up to purge Democrats. Count me out of this.”
“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.
At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman. Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent. The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.
“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness. “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”
Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines.
“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.
Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:
“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away. Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me. It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona. Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller. One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt. I barely got out before they crushed my car. I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car. She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’ The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”
Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent. The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.
“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said. “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”
Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:
“Of course I’m not answering your question. You’d stop paying attention to me if I did. Don’t hang up!”
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:
“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”
Also in the Babbler:
Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Photo of an alleged anti-vaccination alien taken in Palatine.
By Reporter X
The Palatine Police Department’s Interstellar Division began a campaign to arrest and/or kill members of an alien anti-vaccine terrorist cell operating in the greater Palatine area.
Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division, spoke during an interstellar press conference. She stated:
“These aliens aren’t just asking questions. They’re spreading deadly doubts among our Republican residents. They’re not speaking propaganda in order to help Conservatives. They’re trying to frighten us into extinction with their anti-vaccination propaganda. Let’s be clear. No humans means no Republican Party and no Village of Palatine! We can’t have that.”
Officers displayed images of aliens they claim are members of the interstellar terrorist group KuKPu’K. KuKPu’K operatives travel across the galaxy spreading anti-vaccine propaganda to dissuade sentient beings from receiving vaccines. Once a civilization loses herd immunity, operatives will either release a deadly disease that has a vaccine or subvert efforts to provide vaccines to citizens against an existing pandemic.
In one of their holovids, shown at the press conference, a hooded leader insists they are doing the universe a favor:
“We are not anti-vaccine. We are the vaccine against stupidity. Any species that refuses to vaccine its offspring against deadly diseases deserves extinction. Any species that believes RNA vaccines re-write DNA should not be allowed to reproduce. Any species that believes in freedom and liberty without responsibility doesn’t deserve membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth. You’re welcome!”
Blake also showed enhanced photos of aliens organizing protests against mask mandates and spreading false propaganda about COVID-19. She then produced a doorbell camera video of an alien, disguised as a human, canvasing a subdivision in Palatine. The dialogue in the video went like this :
Alien: Good day human breeder, I mean parent.
Resident: Why shouldn’t I shoot you now?
Alien: Because I’m here to warn you about the COVID vaccine.
Resident: You don’t have to warn me. I watch Fox news. I know it rewrites your DNA, with RNA—
Alien: Not to mention that it renders its victims unable to fire their guns, and implants Critical Race Theory in your mind.
Resident: That sounds right, therefore I know it’s right. Why didn’t Fox News tell me? Oh no, they’re in on it too! I’ve got to buy another gun. You are a true patriot!
Blake concluded by reminding the media that it is a capital offense for any human to knowingly conspire with KuKPu’K:
“We will investigate anyone suspected of being in league with KuKPu’K.”
Blake then coughed in a way that sounded like she was saying “Aaron Del Mar.“
Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar, who participated in an anti-mask mandate rally in Palatine, could not be reached for comment.
A receptionist for Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz said he was attending an important meeting with the police union and could not be disturbed.
“We don’t have an interstellar division,” stated the receptionist. “I think you need a permit to waste the mayor’s time with silly questions. Let me check.”
In the background, a man said: “Let me get this straight. If we take these two shots, they will strengthen our natural immunity against COVID?”
A man who sounded like Schwantz replied, “Yes. Think of it as a pre-season training camp for team immunity. The Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears don’t go into a season without a training camp. Now some politicians want you to take four injections of artificial antibodies—”
“We’re not going to let some politician replace our God-given immunity. We’re going to take these immunity-boosting shots. You may be a politician, your honor, but you’ve earned our trust.”
“Thanks,” Schwantz replied. “If you can’t trust a Fremd graduate, who can you trust?”
Also in the Babbler:
Misogynistic Weredeer arrested for protesting International Daughters Day
Ghost pharaoh visits Bolingbrook’s village hall
DuPage Township sponsors Mercury trip for elderly aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
The League of Assertive Women and sources within Bolingbrook’s Chamber of Commerce confirmed that Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar ordered the cancelation of a convention of “Karens.”
“They demanded to speak with the manager of Bolingbrook,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her real name. “I’ll bet they’re regretting that decision now.”
“Karen” is a slang term for a white-middle-aged woman who feels entitled to unreasonable special treatment. The term includes women who demand to speak to the manager to belittle service employees, as well as white women endangering and assaulting minorities after falsely accusing their victims of committing crimes. The male version is called either “Ken” or “Kevin.”
While the theme of the League’s Bolingbrook convention was “You work for me!”, the organizers insisted they were not “Karens.”
“Don’t ever call us that!” said Carol X. Brock, president of the group. “It is sexist to deny us what we deserve and we have a right to put people in their place. I need to speak to your manager now.”
Bolingbrook’s 911 dispatchers, according to anonymous sources, received over 10,000 calls on the first day of the convention.
“There were a few real calls,” said one operator. “But most were ridiculous— Like people claiming they were suffering from CO2 poisoning after wearing a mask for a few seconds. The worst claimed that rioters were attacking a building. When she gave me the address, I explained it was just Muslims gathering at one of our mosques. She claimed that it wasn’t a mosque because she personally knew the owners and insisted they were Christians. Then she demanded to speak with my supervisor. Some days I really hate this job.”
Due to the call volume, some eyewitnesses claim Bolingbrook police chief Mike Rompa personally addressed the organizers. The same eyewitnesses say Rompa politely asked them to tell their attendee to be more responsible before calling 911.
The witnesses said the word ‘responsible’ seemed to enrage the organizers. Brock then threatened to call the state police and accused Rompa of threatening to go “Drew Peterson” on them.
“You know my body camera is on,” Rompa replied.
“You can’t record us!” Brock screamed. “I want to speak to your manager!”
Both village managers and Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arrived. Alexander-Basta promised to refund the local hotel tax if the attendees would just leave the police alone and stop calling 911.
Brock then accused Alexander-Basta, who was more than six feet away, of assaulting her.
“I see you are lying,” yelled Rompa. “The Mayor isn’t hurting you, and would never hurt you.”
“She’s hurting my feelings. That’s assault!”
“Did you mean to say that she’s ‘insulting you?’”
“What’s the difference?”
The organizers demanded to speak with Alexander-Basta’s “supervisor.” She walked away. Several minutes later, Claar arrived with Alexander-Basta and demanded to know why the organizers were interrupting his “family time.” The organizers started reciting their complaints, but Claar stopped them a few seconds later.
“Do you have any real problems?” he asked.
“All of our problems are real and now you’re one of them.”
“How dare you,” snapped Claar.
“How dare you!” protested Brock. “I want to speak to your supervisor.”
Claar turned red and yelled, “I don’t need a supervisor. I am Bolingbrook. I am as high up as you will get around here. I’ve heard enough of your complaints, and I won’t miss having you as tourists here. Now get out of my village before I deport all of you!”
“You can’t kick us out,” Brock replied, “Because we’re leaving. I wish I could give Bolingbrook zero stars.”
After the organizers stormed off, Alexander-Basta and Claar fist-bumped each other and left.
A receptionist said Alexander-Basta was busy and couldn’t comment on the story.
“So is a group of Karens called a Complaint, a Facebook Group, or a Class Action Lawsuit?” asked the receptionist.
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Very clever, Michael.”
A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied, “What are you talking about?”
“That post you wrote about panhandling. You successfully gave the impression that the state government is preventing us from dealing with panhandlers.”
“I did not,” protested Carpanzano. “I linked to an article that specifically said a Federal Court ruled Illinois’s panhandling law unconstitutional.”
“And how many people actually follow links?”
“What matters is I put the link into the article.”
“And threw in a concluding paragraph that isn’t supported by that link. Now most readers will blame the state government for aggressive panhandlers instead of a radical Supreme Court. That’s clever, Michael.”
“I will neither confirm, nor deny your opinion of my posting style.”
Also in the Babbler:
Fountaindale Library begs local writers to stop submitting post-apocalyptic ebooks
Anti-vaccination alien terrorists executed at Palatine’s UFO Base
Nobody shows up for insurrection against the Village of Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/24/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.